Anyway, onto to the boring, technical stuff:
Originally Posted by Gotpika
Should have a comma after "was".
The feeling of flying
, was serene, yet exciting, the fun it gave her couldn’t be duplicated.
Remove the comma after "flying", and add one after "serene".
Iris pulled from her pocket two Oran Berries. She walked over and
feed the Druddigon one while she took a bite into the other.
The first sentence should probably be reworded to "Iris pulled two Oran Berries from her pocket.", and "feed" should be "fed", and, while technically correct, "out of" would have been a smoother alternative to "into".
In training sessions, Iris’s mentor wouldn’t even have his Pokémon use half of his normal dynamism, as the younger creature would easily be overwhelmed by the much more experienced Dragon.
Add the bolded commas. They're after "sessions" and "dynamism".
Iris had watched over her egg like a mother, and the day she hatched Iris formed a connection with her.
Add a comma after "mother".
Doing many things with her: training her, bathing her, feeding her, and even sleeping next to her at night.
The comma after the first "her" should be a colon, and before "even", an "and" should be added.
The fact she had cared so much for Druddigon since then is what
lead to her even being the fine Dragon she was today.
"Lead" should be "led".
That mostly had to do with, once again, being under the watchful eyes of Mira and Ryuu, who both cared for her unconditionally.
Add a comma after "Ryuu".
Druddigon just smiled while carrying the flowers in her arms
Add a "her" before "arms".
I thought it was amazing how Ryuu was able to make you open your
hearts to him so quickly
Should be "heart" instead of "hearts", but I'm thinking that I might've misunderstood that sentence.
Druddigon didn’t know her parents, thus didn’t have any type of connection with them and couldn’t really feel any deep feelings.
Add a comma after "parents".
The death of the Dragon’s
, aforementioned, mother and father was due to the devious actions of a gang of Pokémon thieves,
Removing the bolded part would probably be better for the sentence.
Druddigon was unofficially Iris’s starter Pokémon, having no Poké Ball to show for it, but
, battling under her command loyally, more than willing to follow her orders like a true captured Pokémon would.
Move the comma from after "but" to before it.
The young girl got up off of the ground and look up at the sky
Add "of" after "off".
Both of the young souls headed toward Iris’s caretaker’s home, leaving the resting place of the deceased creatures behind, but
, still as Iris left, she couldn’t help but think back to when she had met that man.
Same as before; move the comma from after "but" to before it. Also, add a comma after "left".
“Yay, we did it!” Iris ran over and, recklessly, jumped
into her Pokémon’s stomach and hugged her tightly. Even though Druddigon had a striking appearance, she was only just a child and easily thrilled over the praise she got from her trainer.
Not "into", because that is a weird and hilarious image. XD
Put "onto" instead of "into", and a comma after "appearance".
Drayden smiled lightly as the girl walked over to congratulate her opponent, who had enjoyed the battle despite the outcome.
Add a comma after "opponent".
Thanks for refereeing the battle, mister,
Add a comma after "battle".
in a flash, her attitude seemed to to turn sour as she stared directly into his yellow eyes.
Add a comma after "flash".
“If it isn’t Drayden, I see you got our two year-old SOS!” Her comment was laced with
, unhidden, passive-aggressiveness.
Remove the comma after "with".
A golden border zigzagged unevenly around the small trinket and the inside of it was grayed with a small ruby planted nearly at the center.
I'm thinking that should be "neatly" instead of "nearly", but I'm not sure which one you meant.
Iris remained silent as she sat on the branch and avoided eye
-contact with the Spartan Mayor, not wanting him to see a moment of weakness in her.
Remove the dash between "eye" and "contact"; they don't need it.
Iris sat down Trapinch on one of the cushions as he drooled in his sleep, she walked
over into an embrace with Ryuu.
Replace "sat" with "set", and remove "over".
Well, that was it for nitpicking. I hope this review was helpful, even though I focused more on the grammar than on the story and the events. Great chapter, and wonderful foreshadowing all over it. Keep it up![/QUOTE]