Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

View Poll Results: What pokemon should Eevee evolve into?

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  • Vaporeon

    0 0%
  • Jolteon

    2 8.00%
  • Flareon

    1 4.00%
  • Espeon

    7 28.00%
  • Umbreon

    5 20.00%
  • Leafeon

    1 4.00%
  • Glaceon

    4 16.00%
  • Stay the same

    5 20.00%
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Thread: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

  1. #1
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    Default Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    This is based on Pokemon Mystery Dungeon. I hope you like it, because I have worked a lot on it. It is titled 'Friends Forever', but you won't know why until a couple chapters in....enjoy!

    FRIENDS FOREVER
    MYSTERY DUNGEON: TEAM EEVEE
    Prologue

    ‘Is this death? Am I really dying? But I had my life ahead of me. Oh, I’m sad now. What will I do when I’m dead? Actually, how I did I die?...’



    Eevee was going mad seven elemental crystals floated round her head; electric, water, fire, night, day, grass, and ice. She was going mad, a serious fever hiding in her head. She growled and gnawed her teeth together with madness. On the other side of the battlefield was a Darkrai and a Gallade, presumably on Eevee’s side. “Eevee! What on earth is wrong with you!?” Darkrai held on to Gallade, pulling him back.

    “Leave her, leave her. There is nothing you can do now, my friend. We will just have to wait……for the elemental war.”

    “Elemental….what does that mean, your majesty?”

    “It is where some of the strongest pokemon of the elemental types group up…….but to battle me, sadly. Fortunately, I have some strong moves to rid of them.”

    The crystals round Eevee’s head shone, leading her to say, “The time has come… to kill my masters. Begin the birth of my new masters! The leader of thunder, Jolteon! The leader of water, Vaporeon! The leader of fire, Flareon! The leader of day, Espeon! The leader of night, Umbreon! The leader of grass, Leafeon! The leader of ice, Glaceon! Help me worship, fellow eeveelutions!

    “What is happening, your majesty?” Gallade suddenly worried.

    “This is bad- if an attack this strong collided with me, the great master, in this battlefield-we will certainly die. We must leave our friend.” Darkrai ran back to the portal, the exit from the battlefield, only to notice Gallade helping Eevee. He ran back to Gallade. “What are you doing, apprentice?”

    “Eevee is my sister. I can not leave her. If she died, I would never forgive myself. I must stay here.”

    “No! Gall-”

    Suddenly, without warning, a tremendous explosion shook the ground, leaving the lifeless animals in its wake.Then there was a gigantic flash, and the whole battlefield had gone. The pokemon at the battlefield were dead.

    ‘I’m sure I did die. Odd. Where will I go next? Heaven? No, not heaven. Hmmm…..will I be a ghost? I’m gonna spook my brother Gallade….No, he’ll be a ghost to, won’t he? Crap. Heheheh. Huh? Gaaaah! I'm in water! But I can't swim! Please help me! Someone, anyone! Please! Help me!'

    'You are okay, Eevee.' A pokemon gently kissed Eevee. 'Don't be afraid. Please.'

    'What are you.....a Gardevoir? Gardevoir,I can't see! Please help me, Gardevoir!'

    'Gentle, young lady. You are drifting into a coma. After this event, your whole life will be different. You will forget everything prior to you transporting to your new world. Begin your new life......sister.'

    'Rest, holy sister.....rest.






    CHARACTER BIOS

    Okay, some characters won’t appear for a couple of chapters, but who cares.

    Eevee
    Age: 12 (31/5/97)
    Birthplace: Midnight Gardens
    Level: 5
    Moves: Tackle, Tail Whip, Fake Tears, Yawn
    Eevee was teleported to a beach, where he was picked by his new best friend, Pikachu. They start an exploration team: Team Pikavee.

    Pikachu
    Age: 12 (7/6/97)
    Birthplace: Electric Factory
    Level: 5
    Moves: Thunder Shock, Growl, Volt Tackle, DoubleSlap
    Pikachu was abandoned by his parents. He was later cared by the leader of the exploration base, who was a Lucario.

    Lucario
    Age: 27 (29/8/81)
    Birthplace: Peaceful Meadows
    Level: 54
    Moves: Aura Sphere, ?, ?, ?
    Lucario is the leader of the base. He is helped out by Chime, the deputy leader, and the base’s chef.

    Team Smog
    Weezing, Seviper and Skuntank
    Age: ?, ?, ?
    Birthplace: ?, ?, ?
    Levels: 38, 38, 54
    Moves: -----
    Not much known about these guys.

    Thank you for reading!
    Last edited by Pidgeot; 20th June 2009 at 03:41 AM.

  2. #2
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    Any story I have to highlight to read immediately gets points off in my book. What's with the dark green font?

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    It's not hard to read. Your eyes must be bad. And why do YOU always critizise me? I give up. I'm leaving BMGF.

  4. #4
    I shot a god Ryuutakeshi's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    Quote Originally Posted by Gold♪Silver View Post
    It's not hard to read. Your eyes must be bad. And why do YOU always critizise me? I give up. I'm leaving BMGF.
    NO! This started good. Forget one critic. I liked the font color.

    I voted Espeon.

    Evil Figment (7:59:44 PM): Ryuu, however shakily you started, I've got to hand it to you that you earned my respect the hard way.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    You did great, don't leave man!
    It's easy enough to read, although it may be possible that Blackjack is using an alternate skin that could ruin the contrast.
    As always... starting with the good.
    Good spelling and grammar.

    Now for what you need improvements on:
    Grammar is a jewel in the world of literature.
    You should look over your sentence structure and stuff again. Don't forget the passive sentences either.
    BOOM!
    You broke the standard here. This should be replaced with something like
    Suddenly, without warning, a tremendous explosion shook the ground, leaving the lifeless animals in its wake.
    ~Earlier, at Midnight Battlefield~
    This, too, is useless. Suggest removing that altogether, since it's easy enough when simple italics are applied.

    And if I were you, I'd provide more detail. For example,

    “Eevee is my brother. I can not leave him. If he died, I would never forgive myself. I must stay here,” Gallade said, shaking his head sadly.
    Then there's the setting: where exactly is this, and what's going on?
    It's confusing.

    Please continue, you're doing fine. Of course, there's always room for improvement.

  6. #6
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    Yea don't give up! Blackjack isn't exactly easy to get compliments from haha. I think you have a great story here.

    I agree with Ultradude as far as some suggestions, but overall just do your best!

  7. #7
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    I'm using the default skin. The background is dark blue.

    And honestly, I can't remember you from Adam so don't think this is anything personal. Geez.

  8. #8
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    Font changes are very annoying, since I'm using the Return theme, the background is black and that green is just impossible to see. Thank God for Ctrl+A...

    I'm voting for Umbreon due to bias towards my own fic. XP

    OKAY, ON TO THE REVIEW.

    ‘Is this death? Am I really dying? But I had my life ahead of me. Oh, I’m sad now. What will I do when I’m dead? Actually, how I did I die?...’
    Brilliant! (no sarcasm) You make the reader think "How did he die?" and then, all of a sudden, BAM! "How does he not know how he died?!" Absolutely perfect.

    ~Earlier, at Midnight Battlefield~
    Okay, I'll be honest. There's no reason to put this here, since you can easily use a sentence. Also, timeline tags aren't very welcome in the fanfiction industry.

    Eevee was going mad, seven elemental crystals floated round her head; electric, water, fire, night, day, grass, and ice. She was going mad, a serious fever hiding in her head. She growled and gnawed her teeth together with in madness. On the other side of the battlefield was a Darkrai and a Gallade, presumably on Eevee’s side. “Eevee! What on earth is wrong with you!?” Darkrai held on to Gallade, pulling him back.
    Wait, Darkrai...Gallade...Eevee...nah, must be coincidence.

    Anyway, I like the character choice. Eevee is a Pokémon of many evolutions, giving it a wide range of questions like "What will it evolve into?" as well as giving the author plenty of choice for the battles.

    “Leave her, leave her. There is nothing you can do now, my friend. We will just have to wait……for the elemental war.”

    “Elemental….what does that mean, your majesty?”

    “It is where some of the strongest pokemon of the elemental types group up…….but to battle me, sadly. Fortunately, I have some strong moves to rid of them.”
    Actually, there is one more "Elemental" type, but we'll ignore it for now. Also, I can't put my finger on it...but for a bad guy, Darkrai sure doesn't sound wise and strategy pursuing...

    Not to mention that Darkrai is a leader of some kind...nah, must be my imagination again. XP

    The crystals round Eevee’s head shined shone, leading her to say, “The time has come… to kill my masters. Begin the birth of my new masters! The leader of thunder, Jolteon! The leader of water, Vaporeon! The leader of fire, Flareon! The leader of day, Espeon! The leader of night, Umbreon! The leader of grass, Leafeon! The leader of ice, Glaceon! Help me worship, fellow gods!”
    SHONE. SHONE, DAMM- *SHOT*

    Also...since when was Eevee a "god"...? And if the Eeveelutions are indeed "gods"...shouldn't they be "the god of type" instead of "the leader of type"?

    “What is happening, your majesty?” Gallade suddenly worried.

    “This is bad- if an attack this strong collided with me, the great master, in this battlefield-we will certainly die. We must leave our friend.” Darkrai ran back to the portal, the exit from the battlefield, only to find notice Gallade was helping Eevee. He ran back to Gallade. “What are you doing, apprentice?”
    I don't see what battle you're talking about, but I'll let it slide. Wait, a portal in an external dimension...nah. Also, too much running back and forth.

    “Eevee is my brother. I can not leave him. If he died, I would never forgive myself. I must stay here.”

    “No! Gall-”

    BOOM! There was a gigantic flash, and the whole battlefield had gone. The pokemon at the battlefield were dead.
    Wait, what? Eevee and Gallade are...brothers? I mean, they aren't even from the same tribe egg group...never mind. I'll ignore that. XD

    Wait, didn't it say before that Eevee was a "she"...? Lack of inconsistency...

    ‘I’m sure I did die. Odd. Where will I go next? Heaven? No, not heaven. Hmmm…..will I be a ghost? I’m gonna spook my brother Gallade….No, he’ll be a ghost to, won’t he? Crap. Heheheh. Huh? Gaaaah! I'm in water! But I can't swim! Please help me! Someone, anyone! Please! Help me!'
    Wait, wait, so the mystery just disappears like that? Where's the fun in that...? D=

    'You are okay, Eevee.' A pokemon gently kissed Eevee. 'Don't be afraid. Please.'

    'Y...y...you're a Gardevoir? I can't see! Please help me, Gardevoir!'
    HOLD IT! How can s/he know that the Pokémon kissing it was a Gardevoir if s/he can't see? Contradictions...

    'Gentle, young lady. You are drifting into a coma. After this event, your whole life will be different. You will forget everything prior to you transporting to your new world. Begin your new life......sister.'
    Oh, so now she's a "sister"...great, I'm just confused now.

    Lights out.
    ...*shrug* What's that supposed to mean...?

    You don't happen to know of a fanfiction about an Umbreon and his quest, right? Because there are a heck lot of coincidences, and if these are really just coincidences, I really need to revise my plot...

    Overall, it isn't that bad, with a few minor imperfections and all, and it was enjoyable watching the Eevee get tortu- I mean get restored (yeah...). I'll give it a 7.5/10. =D
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

  9. #9
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    This was really good, I could suggest for you to improve your description a little bit an dyou grammar. Also don't leave just cause you got a little critism from Blackjack plus it wasn't even critism she was just stating an opinion on the font

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    Thank you guys for the help! And Blackjack, I'm sorry for being mean. I won't quit, and hopefully my fanfic will get better. I will fix those errors today, I promise. And those coincidences- I've never heard of that fanfic. And when you have got different skins, the font will be a bit weird. Thank you! :D

    Out for edits. Please wait to read this chapter.
    Last edited by Pidgeot; 18th June 2009 at 01:00 PM.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    Here's Chapter One: Pika...CHU!

    BadabadabadaBOOM! An eerie sound awakened in Pikachu’s ears. Pikachu immediately jumped out of his bed, dazed in dizziness. “W….what just happened? Ow, my ears really hurt!” Pikachu turned his head, noticing Loudred in the doorway. “Loudred…..what did I tell you about waking me up like that?”

    “WELL SORRY, PIKACHU! IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN, PUT SOME BATTERIES IN YOUR BLEEDIN’ ALARM CLOCK! GEEZ!” Loudred stomped off into the hallway. The whole base shaked prior to Loudred. Pikachu nearly fell back onto his bed.

    “Wow. Look’s like somebody got out the wrong side of the bed.” Pikachu snapped.

    “I CAN ONLY GET OUT ONE SIDE, IDIOT!”

    Pikachu followed Loudred through the hallway, and into the main hall. He stood up in place, along with all the pokemon. Lucario, at the front, gently coughed, and began to talk. “Finally, we are all here.” Lucario suspiciously looked Pikachu, and then Loudred. “Now, we can finally talk about a sudden incident that has risen. Over the last night, an event occurred at the nearby beach. I need a volunteer to see what has happened. Hands up, please.”

    The only pokemon to put his hand up was Bidoof. He also put his hand down, shortly afterwards. Lucario shrugged, and then Pikachu put his hand up in guilt. “Ooh, looks like we have one volunteer. If you are going through with this, then you’ll have to go to the village first to prepare for it. And now, let’s chant the assembly song:”

    ‘P- PLEASE HELP OUT ALL PEOPLE! O- OBEY THE MISSION MAKER! K- KIND CARE FOR FRIENDS! E- END YOUR MISSION AND GIVE UP? NEVER! M- MEET YOUR MISSION’S OBJECTIVE! O- OPPURTUNTIES MUST BE TAKEN! N- NEVER GIVE UP! POKEMON!’

    Pikachu went up the ladder, and finally walked out of the base. Chimecho walked over to Pikachu, and started talking to him. “Good luck with your mission, Pikachu! Here’s an Oran Berry to help with your adventure!”

    “Thanks, Chime! You’re really kind!”

    Chimeco shook Pikachu’s hand. She rung her golden bell in excitement. “Good luck! See ya!” She said, waving her tail in the air. “Tell me about what you discover!!!”

    Pikachu walked west, into the village. He stopped off at the Kecleon brothers. “Hiya, normal Kecleon! Hiya, purple Kecleon! What are you selling?”

    The normal Kecleon shrugged it’s shoulders. “Aaaw, geez. Here I go again. Oran berries, Pecha berries, Cheri berries, apples, bananas, nearly everything. Don’t think about asking my bro- he has larangitis. What can I do for ya?”

    “Hmm….I’ll have some apples, please.” Kecleon passed Pikachu the apples. “Thanks!”

    A Trophius suddenly walked through the town, and stopped off at the podium in the centre. It’s leaves swayed in the wind, simultaneously with Pikachu’s ears wagging. “Are any of you guys part of an exploration team? Well, if you are….then use the new Sitrus Berries! They have double the power of Oran berries!” Trophius pointed at a Beedrill near the bank. “Hey, you there- do you use Oran Berries to sharpen your needles?”

    Beedrill stared nervously at Trophius. “Umm…..yes.”

    Trophius threw a Sitrus berry at Beedrill. “This will double their power! Thank you everybody, for being a grrrrrr…..great audience!”

    Tropius walked back through the town, and out to the exit. Pikachu eventually followed him, but going further east to get to the beach.

    Pikachu walked through the forest first, with all the spooky Murkrows cawing at him. He shivered, and wrapped his scarf round his neck. He looked at his watch. “Humph. 6:00. It’s getting late. All these Murkrow are really giving me goosebumps….Murkrow, annoy someone your own size!” One of the Murkrow pecked Pikachu continuously on his head. “Hey, leave it!”

    He finally reached the beach, watching all the Corphish and Krabby blowing bubbles. “Wow. I’ve never realised how beautiful this beach actually is.” The wind gently swayed on his chest, his ears gently wagging from left to right. The sea was aqua blue- great contrast on Pikachu’s ruby red scarf. He walked along the sea front, gently treading in the soft sand. He layed down on the beach, his arms outstreched. “Aaaw, this is the life. Nothing is better than this.” His left arm touched something- he immediately got up, and noticed an Eevee laying on the ground. “Oh…my….god.”

  12. #12
    Being called Emo. Light Fang's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    WOW THAT IS AMAZING!!!! I can't wait to know if there is more.
    I'm so depressing it's almost funny... But I'm not fully depressing at times.

  13. #13
    Registered User woops's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    Hmm, I don't really know what to say.. I suck at reviewing. So just take my word when I say it's good.

    Also, I voted Jolteon.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    Chapter Two:
    Eevee’s Everlasting Adventure

    “Oh…my…god.” Pikachu turned Eevee’s face over, slapping her on the face to see if she was awake. He slapped her again and again, and hesitated for a couple of seconds, afraid that she might be dead. He put his face up to her chest to finally check if she was still alive. He felt a heartbeat, and gasped in amazement, falling back on the sand because she was still with her.

    Eevee’s eyes struggled to open, and she hesitated for a moment, noticing Pikachu over there. “W….where am I?” She got up, and vibrated on her legs. She shaked her head, and pointed her paw right at Pikachu. “Hi…..friend?”

    Pikachu noticed a wound on Eevee’s back, and started stroking it. “Are you okay? That wound looks pretty vicious. Actually….how did you get here?”

    “I…don’t….know.” Eevee holded her head in her paws, and shaked her head in disagreement. “Ooh…my head! It really hurts!”

    “Are you okay? If you feel bad, let me take you to the doctor’s at the base-”

    “No, I’ll be okay.” Eevee turned her head round, looking over the whole beach. She walked over to the shore, noticing the Corphish nodding at her. The wonderful wind gently blowed on her head. “Wow…I’ve never realised how beautiful the outside world could be. Actually…how did I get here in the first place? I…can’t…remember.”

    Pikachu walked up and down the beach, to check for evidence. “Hmm….there aren’t on any footsteps, except from our recent ones, of course.” He looked at the clouds in the sky, checking for any unusual ones. “Look! That one looks like a Togekiss! And that one looks like a Psyduck!”

    Eevee noticed a green bracelet laying on the sand, and picked it up, showing it to Pikachu. “Hey- do you know what this is?”

    Pikachu ran over, and took the bracelet out to Eevee’s paws. “Hey, that’s my emerald bracelet! Thanks for finding it! I originally got that over at the exploration base. I think it’s actually our temprorary team leader's, but I can’t exactly give it back to him now.”

    ~Back at the Exploration Base~

    A loud knock came at the door, and Lucario came rushing to open it. He suddenly gasped with amazement. “Lady Jynx! You came back from your holiday so quick! Are you back to take my role as leader?”

    “Of course I am, sweetie pie.” She walked over to the leader’s room, opening the door, and swiftly walked in. “Ooh, you cleaned up ma room! So great! How on earth am I gonna thank ya?”

    “No, no, there’s no need.” Lucario walked out of the room, ready to tell the whole base the great news. “Ahem. Can I get everyone’s attention, please? This base’s honourable leader, Mz Jynx, is back from her holiday (or in USA, vacation). Please welcome her back home! And now she will give a speech.”

    “Thank ya very much, Lucario. I’m deeply, deeply honoured to get my room re-decorated. Dit looks fabulous. Thanks to everyone who helped with dat.” She nodded her head. “Thank you.”

    Everyone cheered at the base leader, who helped through bad times, and through sad times.

    ~~~~~~~~~
    A Weezing and a Seviper walked through the forest arguing. All the forest pokemon ran away so that they wouldn’t be caught by the duo’s annoying argument. Seviper vicously stepped its tail in a mud pond, all the mud squirting onto his face. “Aaaw, look at what I’ve done now. You’re disssssgraceful!”

    “Humph.” Weezing faced Seviper, and he started growling. “Well, it was your fault. It’s your tail, and you were the one who stepped in it.”

    “Oh really?” Seviper faced her tail at Weezing in anger. “Well if I do that again….you get the pain. Do you undersssstand me?”

    “Yes, boss.” Weezing reluctantly said. “And how come you become the boss when Skuntank’s away. I’m stronger, bigger, and older than you. Surely I should be boss.”

    “Well if you sssshut up, maybe you will sssssomeday. I’m the most intelligent, so I should be boss. And that’s the end of dat chapter.”

    Weezing and Seviper turned round the corner, and noticed Pikachu and Eevee on the beach. “Hahaha- look at those twerps.”

    “Hey Weezing, I’ve got a plan- why don’t we get over there and rob them? I reckon it’sssssss a good idea.”

    “I don’t know- isn’t it a bit mean?”

    “Of course it’sssssss not!” Seviper whispered to Weezing, “When you’ve worked for Team Ssssssmog for ten yearsssssss, you learn that nothing’ssss mean. Hehehe- let’s rob ‘em!”
    Last edited by Pidgeot; 20th June 2009 at 12:37 PM.

  15. #15
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Friends Forever (Mystery Dungeon, Team Eevee)

    He put his face up to her chest, to finally check if she was still alive.
    This sentence has one small problem in it, the comma between chest and to shouldn't be there since technically it's part of the same topic, now if Pikachu was doing something off the previous topic it would work better.

    noticing Pikachu over there.
    Noticing Pikachu over here should be changed to over there since you're not in the same location it really doesn't work out well on the sentence.

    That wound looks pretty vicous. Actually….how did you get here
    you spelled vicous wrong, it's supposed to to have an i between the c and the o. Also after actually you don't really have to put the three dots, with just a comma it'll be enough.

    Hey, that’s my emerald bracelet! Thanks for finding it! I originally got that over at the exploration base. I think it’s actually Lucario’s, but I can’t exactly give it back to him now
    I kinda didn't like this part, it seems like Pikachu just starts talking about Pokémon Eevee doesn't even know, not just that but the fact that, but any normal person would probably ask Eevee where she found it.

    Straight away, he gasped with amazement
    The straight away part shouldn't be there, and that sentence should go together with the other one, instead of a point replace the ending of the previous sentence with a comma.

    All the forest pokemon ran away,
    forest and Pokémon should be switch, Pokémon should go first, and foret second, also he comma should be removed.

    Over all, the chapter was kinda dense, it seems kinda odd that a Jynx with a personality a leader normally doesn't have cold be in charge instead of Lucario, and the last few paragraphs with Weezing and Seviper were kinda sudden, all of a sudden the tense changed. If youre gonna switch character location use this instead *** or press enter three times to devide it.
    Last edited by Flaze; 20th June 2009 at 12:39 PM.

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