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  1. #1

    Default Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale
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    Table of Contents
    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2

    Synopsis
    Last edited by aliveatnight; 19th August 2014 at 07:26 PM.

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  2. #2

    Default Re: Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    Chapter 1


    Serina woke up one sunny morning. She slowly stood up and got out of bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She trudged into the sole bathroom that she shares with her mom and dad and began to brush her teeth. She eyed herself in the mirror, thinking I’d look so awesome as a trainer! I just know I would. Her bright red hair was tinged with black, her dark eyes piercing and strong. Sighing, she left the bathroom. “There’s no point in thinking about being a trainer...mom and dad won’t let me anyways.”

    “Good morning dear!” Her mother greeted her as she came downstairs.
    “Hi mom.” Her dad looked up from reading the paper he held in his hands.
    “Serina, do you know what today is?” As she started shaking her head no, she remembered.
    “It’s the day that the new trainers all start their journey! I’ve gotta go see them off!” Serina exclaimed as she bolted towards the front door.

    She flew from the house, not even noticing the beautiful day outside. Her home in Littleroot was almost always quant, except for the day that the trainers were sent off with their new Pokemon. There was already a crowd of people circling at the exit of the town. I’ve gotta hurry or I’m gonna be late! She pushed herself as fast as she could go, and finally made it to the crowd. Just in time. The three young trainers were all selecting their Pokemon, and she watched a young girl release her new Torchic and give it a big hug. Serina felt a stab of jealousy go through her. She was supposed to make this journey 6 years ago, just like both her parents had done. But instead, she was banned from traveling with Pokemon because they were too dangerous to be around. She felt tears prick at her eyes as she watched the trainers all turn and wave goodbye at the excited crowd.

    “HOUNDOUR!” A sudden cry interrupted the happy ceremony. The trainers eyes all widened, and they looked terrified out of their minds. A howl echoed through the air, and everyone began to back away. “Go fight that thing kids!” The crowd was yelling.
    “Go Torchic!” The girl cried. Serina watched, wondering how she was going to manage her first battle. “Use Scratch Torchic!” The Torchic charged towards the small figure in the distance, and suddenly Serina realized what it was. “Wait!” She screamed out. “It’s hurt, don’t attack it!” It was too late though, the Torchic’s claws slammed straight into the limping Pokemon. Serina pushed through the crowd, and ran down the pathway towards the now unconscious Houndour.
    “Leave that mutt alone kid!”
    “That thing is gross. What is it?”
    “That thing could destroy us all...”

    Serina ignored what the crowd was saying. She knelt down and stroked Houndour’s side, marveling at how his coarse, short fur was so soft at the same time. Scooping up the Houndour, she held it and faced the crowd. “This Pokemon is a Houndour, and he is not something to be feared! He is an innocent Pokemon, who has suffered from something already. I’m going to take care of him, and you will leave him alone!”

    With those words hanging in the air, Serina walked back to her home, her head held high. This could open up so many doors to being a trainer! But first, I've gotta get you all fixed up, she thought. For the first time in many years, she felt a faint glimmer of hope for what could come.
    Last edited by aliveatnight; 14th August 2014 at 10:18 PM.

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  3. #3
    Registered User Beth Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    I don't much like seeing new stories without any comments, so here we are! Ok. First thought is probably the most important here - slow it down. You tear through to the end of this chapter at one hell of a pace. Take the time to set up who Serina is before you send her off on her journey. Why do her parents think that pokémon training is too dangerous? Is there a reason Serina wants to train so badly?

    There's also the question of why the crowd react that way to a Houndour. I suppose it could be a misunderstood species, but surely wandering pokémon aren't so rare that people would be so scared of one injured Houndour?

    Your technical accuracy is good and the prose flows well, so don't think I'm being completely negative here ;) The bones of a journey fic are built on the protagonist, and without a strong protagonist from the get-go, you're going to run into trouble. Believe me, I know
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


    My new blog, Pavell's Scribbledegook (Week III)

  4. #4
    Into Darkness Peering Rediamond's Avatar
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    Default Re: Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    And here come the Hoenn fics.

    In all seriousness, welcome to the forums. I would have reviewed this earlier but personal life has been pretty overwhelming in the last few days. I mostly want to second Beth Pavell's comments. Journey stories are long and long stories require some sort of core to keep them together. Occasionally a writer can do this on plot alone, but in the world of journey fics that takes some serious ingenuity and skill. As such, it's easiest to hold the story together with a well-developed and interesting protagonist. So literally all I know about your protagonist so far is that she's older, has oddly colored (if not completely implausible) hair, and has restrictive parents. Oh, and she also wants to travel and is nice to a Houndour so she can. The problem is this brings almost nothing new to the table. If you want to get readers and keep them hooked, you generally need something to distinguish your protagonist from the average, which is why slower starts help. They let you make your protagonist likeable or at least interesting before you start throwing things into the plot proper, where characterization becomes somewhat harder.

    This is not to say that the story is altogether bad, though. There isn't anything in it that really brings it down, merely things you could add that would make it better. That's a good position to be in as a writer of a serially updated story. And Hoenn is (currently) still a rather hipster region in fan fiction. Possibly the most hipster right now on this forum in particular. Houndour is also a rather strange starter mon as well as one that shouldn't be too hard to write given all the information on dogs in captivity in the real world. I think the concept has promise. Just remember to take time to build your character and world in such a way that makes readers want to keep seeing how you develop the story in the future.



    Vaira: The Legacy of Cyrus
    A formerly grown up teenager, an extraterrestrial obsessed with human culture, and the hero of another realm are called upon to save a world that hates them. Coming Fall 2014.

  5. #5

    Default Re: Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    Chapter 2


    Serina opened the front door of her house and ran in. Both her parents had already left for work, so she was safe from them for now. She ran up the stairs into her bedroom and set the Houndour on her bed. His eyes were closed and his body still, but his little chest was still rhythmically moving up and down. She stood nervously by the side of her bed, staring at the unconscious Pokemon. “What do I do?” She whispered.

    She stood there lost in though, until a faint growl snapped her back into reality. “Ahh!” She screamed, falling backwards onto the floor. The Houndour had woken up and was standing on the bed, glaring at Serina. He threw his head up and let out an ear splitting howl, making Serina flinch. He jumped off the bed and went over to her, his pace slow and cautious. He’s still limping, Serina noticed. She forced herself to stay still while he sniffed her. She watched as his body slowly began to loosen up, his face starting to relax.
    “See, you can trust me.” She whispered to him.
    “Houndour!” He jumped back, staring intently at her.
    “Shh, it’s ok buddy. I’m here to help you, not hurt you.”
    He stuck his nose out and nudged her hand, and then gently licked it. Serina giggled and picked him up.

    She crept back out of her house, looking around to make sure that no one saw her leaving. She took off towards the edge of town, heading to Route 101. Once she was out of sight of Littleroot, she stopped and plopped down onto the grass. Houndour looked at her questioningly.
    “I don’t ever run this much. I’m exhausted.” She panted in response. Houndour nodded and laid down in the grass next to her, and used her lap as a head rest.
    “You’re not a bad Pokemon, are you? I wonder why everyone reacted so badly. Maybe we can ask them about it when we get you all fixed up!” Serina let out a sigh. “But you aren’t mine, for all I know your trainer is looking for you.” Tears began to well up in her eyes by that thought, and she quickly shook it away. “There’s no time to think about such things. Right now, we have a job to do, and that needs to come first.”

    They safely made their way through Route 101 and entered into Oldale Town right as the sun was starting to set. It was a small and quaint town, much like Littleroot was. Serina saw the Poke Center in the distance, and quickly made her way to it.
    “Hello?” She called as she walked in the cold building. The building was empty, and she felt a wave of sadness go through her. As she turned around to head towards the exit, something grabbed her arm and yanked her into another room.
    “Be careful with that Houndour!” A stern voice said.
    “Nurse Joy! You scared me.” Serina panted, my heart racing. “He stumbled on up to Littleroot injured. Can you help him?”
    “Of course I can!” Her voice took on that cheery sound that Nurse Joy’s usually have. “I’ll take him back here, and then I need to speak with you.”
    Serina nodded as Nurse Joy whisked the Houndour away.
    Last edited by aliveatnight; 20th August 2014 at 01:11 PM.

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  6. #6
    Into Darkness Peering Rediamond's Avatar
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    Default Re: Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    One grammar complaint to start the review: Quant -> Quaint. I'm tired, but that was the only thing I caught in a midnight reading.

    Also, breaking away dialogue paragraphs with two spaces so that there is a blank space between them is common practice on fan fiction forums. Usually this is done by hitting enter twice in microsoft word or whatever word processor you happen to be using. If you want to break between scenes, establish some running thing like a triple space of a double space then an arc break, such as ---FY--- or something in the center. Or you could not have one at all and just transition. Internal dialogue in third person is also conventionally presented in italics in the Pokemon fan fiction community.

    Onto stylistic concrit stuff. It's not horribly unusual to be in Viridian in chapter two in a reasonably fast Kanto fic, so getting to Odale almost immediately and skipping the first route isn't terrible. What makes this fast is how little time was spent to describe things. Nearly every sentence in this chapter was action, thought or dialogue. It's okay to take a moment and review what the character is thinking. What they look like. How the Houdour looks. What has to be done to treat it. Is there blood? How do we know the Pokemon is in pain? What, exactly, is the main character thinking beyond sadness they will eventually have to return the Pokemon? Does it create a mess to care for it? What does the Odale Center look like? You can take a sentence or two to answer these questions. It won't slow things down terribly, but it will give readers more time to process what is going on and create a more unique and intriguing world and story.

    And if Joy tries to kill the Houdour you have captured my attention, fulfilled my expectations, and plummeted this straight into dark fic territory.



    Vaira: The Legacy of Cyrus
    A formerly grown up teenager, an extraterrestrial obsessed with human culture, and the hero of another realm are called upon to save a world that hates them. Coming Fall 2014.

  7. #7

    Default Re: Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    Quote Originally Posted by Rediamond View Post
    One grammar complaint to start the review: Quant -> Quaint. I'm tired, but that was the only thing I caught in a midnight reading.

    Also, breaking away dialogue paragraphs with two spaces so that there is a blank space between them is common practice on fan fiction forums. Usually this is done by hitting enter twice in microsoft word or whatever word processor you happen to be using. If you want to break between scenes, establish some running thing like a triple space of a double space then an arc break, such as ---FY--- or something in the center. Or you could not have one at all and just transition. Internal dialogue in third person is also conventionally presented in italics in the Pokemon fan fiction community.

    Onto stylistic concrit stuff. It's not horribly unusual to be in Viridian in chapter two in a reasonably fast Kanto fic, so getting to Odale almost immediately and skipping the first route isn't terrible. What makes this fast is how little time was spent to describe things. Nearly every sentence in this chapter was action, thought or dialogue. It's okay to take a moment and review what the character is thinking. What they look like. How the Houdour looks. What has to be done to treat it. Is there blood? How do we know the Pokemon is in pain? What, exactly, is the main character thinking beyond sadness they will eventually have to return the Pokemon? Does it create a mess to care for it? What does the Odale Center look like? You can take a sentence or two to answer these questions. It won't slow things down terribly, but it will give readers more time to process what is going on and create a more unique and intriguing world and story.

    And if Joy tries to kill the Houdour you have captured my attention, fulfilled my expectations, and plummeted this straight into dark fic territory.
    Thanks for pointing that out! I didn't realize that I misspelled it.
    I'll definitely see what I can do to fix that problem. Thank you so much for the advice!

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  8. #8
    Registered User Beth Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    I'm sticking with this, because I think it has potential. There's still a way go, though. Another really quick chapter - now there's nothing wrong with snappy chapters, especially in serial fiction where readers generally don't want to concentrate for as long as they might reading a novel. However, I'll echo Rediamond here, in that it's at the expense of worldbuilding.

    You see, everyone's conception of the same region is a little different, and what needs to come across - particularly early on - is how you imagine Hoenn. Let me put it this way. Why did you choose to write in Hoenn? I'm guessing it's because you love the region ... so show it! Tell us how you imagine Hoenn, seen through Serina's eyes! Have fun with it, paint that picture of a thousand words (Figuratively speaking. One thousand words of nothing but description is far to far in the other direction xD ).

    Description need not be a chore to get out of the way in order to tell the reader what's happening during the scene. With a bit of cunning it can be made to do double duty. That scene of walking through Route 101 (Nice use of distance by the way. A pet peeve of mine in pokémon fanfic is all the towns and cities placed an afternoon's walk apart), for example. Describing a little bit of the route could tip the reader off as to whether it really is as dangerous as Serina's parents claim. Switching to Serina's thoughts midway through the description of the walk tell us how she's feeling, what she's thinking etc etc

    Incidentally, you might want to check out the Writer's Academy - there's twenty articles in total and you may well find some of them useful
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


    My new blog, Pavell's Scribbledegook (Week III)

  9. #9

    Default Re: Forever Young - A Hoenn Tale

    Quote Originally Posted by Beth Pavell View Post
    I'm sticking with this, because I think it has potential. There's still a way go, though. Another really quick chapter - now there's nothing wrong with snappy chapters, especially in serial fiction where readers generally don't want to concentrate for as long as they might reading a novel. However, I'll echo Rediamond here, in that it's at the expense of worldbuilding.

    You see, everyone's conception of the same region is a little different, and what needs to come across - particularly early on - is how you imagine Hoenn. Let me put it this way. Why did you choose to write in Hoenn? I'm guessing it's because you love the region ... so show it! Tell us how you imagine Hoenn, seen through Serina's eyes! Have fun with it, paint that picture of a thousand words (Figuratively speaking. One thousand words of nothing but description is far to far in the other direction xD ).

    Description need not be a chore to get out of the way in order to tell the reader what's happening during the scene. With a bit of cunning it can be made to do double duty. That scene of walking through Route 101 (Nice use of distance by the way. A pet peeve of mine in pokémon fanfic is all the towns and cities placed an afternoon's walk apart), for example. Describing a little bit of the route could tip the reader off as to whether it really is as dangerous as Serina's parents claim. Switching to Serina's thoughts midway through the description of the walk tell us how she's feeling, what she's thinking etc etc

    Incidentally, you might want to check out the Writer's Academy - there's twenty articles in total and you may well find some of them useful
    Thank you! I always write novels, so it's tricky finding the balance in this type of story. I think I'm beginning to understand though. Also, thanks for that link! I'm gonna go check that out. Now I've just got to stick with this until I get it all figured out!
    Thank you for your help!

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