TEEN: Forever at a standstill (Ferriswheel T-M)

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Thread: Forever at a standstill (Ferriswheel T-M)

  1. #1
    Face it, I'm cute Midnightmoon602's Avatar
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    Default Forever at a standstill (Ferriswheel T-M)

    Pairing:Touko/HildaxN FerrisWheelshipping
    Genre: Tragedy
    Rating: T to M
    Summary:She continues to sit on the edge of that castle, watching and waiting for her King to come back to her, wanting to come join him. A wish that might never be fulfilled

    Forever at a Standstill


    He was the King. Wanting to set all pokemon free.

    And I was just a little girl new to the pokemon world. Wanting to catch as many pokemon I could.

    And yet we shared something similar.

    We loved each other.

    At first I thought he was crazy, wanting to set all pokemon free. Trainers and pokemon grow onto each other like paper and glue, once the bond is made there is nearly nothing that can break that bond. We met so many times along my journey. He kept on saying that pokemon will be happy when they are free and liberated. But what about us trainers? The world we live revolves around the bond and connection of pokemon and humans. You can't change things like that overnight!

    I told him exactly that many times but he wouldn't listen. He would speak like he was reading a poem or a riddle. Leaving me in confusion of what the moral of the story would be. And not like other people who don't tell the answer at the end, he would tell me the answer. He told me many along my journey but the answer remained the same. Even the words he spoke to me were different and had no relation to each other, the answer did.

    He was different to the seven sages. Men who were by his side who I rarely saw. They had the same agreement to him. Believing the myth that the world would be better if pokemon were set free. But I refused that belief. That's why when I saw them again I had no doubt to chase after them and to take they mental plan out of action.

    I first met him in Accumula town. A town not far away from my own hometown. After a long irritating speech he came out of the crowd, adding his opinion to the whole speech, making it more persuading than the last and making the crowd gossip in confusion. At first I looked at my starter pokemon and held my hands tightly around it and place it near my chest. I looked up at that crazy man and he looked at me. When I gazed into his eyes I felt like I saw a soft fragile child who only wanted to protect pokemon from rough pokemon trainers who treated their pokemon with no care at all. He asked the simple grunts to move out of his way and walked up to me. The crowd continued to gossip among Cheren and me. He whispered to me that he wanted a simple battle with me and I agreed. The battle didn't even last long than five minutes but his intention to free all pokemon was long from ending.

    Before he left he told me his name.

    His name was N.

    I didn't get to see him after that. Not until I reached Nacrene City and I soon saw your innocent face once more. He looked at me so calmly and to gently that I wanted to go and talk to him, speak to him and ask why was he doing such a foolish act. But my motive was interrupted when he asked another battle from me and once more I won easily. But he didn't look disappointed but rather happy that he lost. He returned all his pokemon and looked at me and faintly smiled at me. Muttering that he was happy to see my pokemon were alright. But he still didn't want to change that fact he wanted to grant liberation to all pokemon.

    Months had flied by and I heard no news from you. Not even from your group, Team Plasma. I felt like maybe you changed your mind that you didn't want to continue setting all pokemon away from their trainers. Maybe you realised from our battle that pokemon and better off with their trainer because they felt safe with them and also they trusted their trainers. But I wasn't completely happy.

    As I travelled through forest and towns I realised that you had already affected me. You were already in my mind. every time I would enter into a new route or forest I would imagine you holding your hand out to me at the end of a road. And I would smile and run to you and stretch my arm out to you but as our fingertips were about to touch you fade into thin air and I was left all alone once more. We had only met twice and yet you had already got under my skin. But no where near my heart.

    When I saw you again in Nimbasa city I felt so relived that you were alright, that nothing bad had happened to you. But you looked at me like you had never met me or know me to add to that fact. You didn't speak but instead asked for another battle. The same thing happened when we met again in Chargestone cave. You finally broke your silence when you told me your past to me. I didn't know why but I was so glad that you did. Then you began to walk away from me and I reached out my hand to you, hoping that you would notice me. But you continued to walk away from me even though you didn't want to. I watched you walk away from me and soon I knew.

    That I had fallen for you.

    And that had became my new reason and motivation to chase after you. To make sure that the only person to stop you was me so you wouldn't get hurt when your plans would come to a halt.

    But I couldn't find you. I looked everywhere as I continued to journey. I even asked Bianca and Cheren if they heard anything form Team Plasma. Pretending that my interest was in that group but really it was you. I wanted to know where you were, I wanted to find you, I wanted to know what is happening to you. If your alright or if everything is alright.

    Months few like flying type pokemon and my heart began to fall into slumber when I would think of your name. I wasn't eager to find you anymore as I had given up ever finding you again. My goal of becoming champion of the Unova region blinded me again. I was back into that state of a little foolish girl who wanted to catch as many pokemon as I could and become the strongest pokemon trainer the world have even known.

    Then I saw you again.

    My heart ran wild and my mind lost all of its control. I didn't care anymore. My foolish goal melted away from me and you came back into my mind and heart. I needed you, I didn't care if I never became a pokemon champion. With you I felt like I was already a winner and my prize was you by my side. There was nothing else I wanted more.

    He was all alone in his castle. I looked around and heard him speak that Team Plasma was gone and he was the only one left in his castle. He spoke that everything he had worked for was gone and he was waiting for my arrival.

    But how did he know? We haven't seen each other since the Chargestone cave.

    N, he was such a strange man and that was what I loved about him mostly. That he could always be so mysterious and so charming at the same time.

    He reached out his hand to me and spoke with such a soft tone of voice, it was a simple request of asking to walk with him, to the wall at the very end. I didn't bother to ask and grabbed his hand and we both walked to the wall. The wall was already broken and was a huge hole right in the middle. The scene it showed was a clear blue sky. In front was one of the dragons he has told me that he would use to liberate all pokemon.

    He held both my hands and raised them and kissed them gently with his soft lips. He closed his eyes and opened them half way. He knelt down on one knee and looked up at me. I looked into his eyes and saw how naïve he was in fulfilling his dream. He knew that but he kept on chasing it, like I was chasing him. He stood up and moved his face closer to mine and our lips became closer to each other as each second flew by. I could feel his heart beat faster and faster just like mine. I wanted to speak to say that he meant the whole world to me but my lips froze and my heart stopped.

    My whole world broke like glass. The sound of broken glass echoed in my ears and my eyes gave my the vision of tiny fragments of glass breaking into tiny unseen particles.

    The words that stopped my reason to live was one simple horrible word.

    Farewell.


    And before I could respond he had already left.

    The tears that run down my face became the pain you left me with. The depressed muttering of my prayers became my company. I looked up at the empty gap that became my life as I wait for you to return. I will continue to sit at the edge of this castle waiting for your return.

    And I became the princess to your empty castle, the princess stuck in a tall castle and the only way she could be saved was her prince to save her and catch her in his arms. I have become the little naive princess looking out into my life in hoping one day you will come back from me. To take me to your new world. Where we could live happily ever after.

    I will let my heart die out before I leave this castle and only you, N can wake me up from my eternal slumber. I felt my hands who continued to pray lose their grip as my sight joined them. My world once filled with colour de-saturated itself to black and white. Everything around me felt wrong and disturbing the only object I could seen perfectly was you. I wrapped my arms around my cold shivering body before my sight gave up the battle to ever seeing my life once more. My ears went high pitch before they dropped into silence.

    I felt my whole world crash onto me as my body crashed down onto the ground. More piles of guilt and regret collided into me and each pile was already to late. I felt my hands drop down and something wet yet dry covered my fingertips. I didn't have to see what it was since my mind had already pictured the scene. The smell of rotten blood had covered my hands and my whole body as I felt myself become a empty shell. Soon my reactions and my trail of thought began to fade into existence.

    And this soft fragile princess was trapped in her own little world. A place she once loved and treasured. Her hope of seeing the light of day had diminished but her dreams of her King carrying in her arms still stayed alive within her. Her lips barely moved before her heart skipped its last pulse before the princess fell into forever slumber.

    "I love you."

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  2. #2
    User #50,000 Mr Metagross's Avatar
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    Default Re: Forever at a standstill (Ferriswheel T-M)

    I have no idea what the standards for shipping are so I don't know if this classes as "good", but it's quite good considering a writer's perspective. Just make sure that ALL NAMES have caps at the beginning. Pokémon should have a caps start, Seven Sages should have a caps start. You switched between calling N as a third person and calling him as a second person too often, by which I mean this:

    I didn't get to see him after that. Not until I reached Nacrene City and I soon saw your innocent face once more. He looked at me so calmly and to gently that I wanted to go and talk to him, speak to him and ask why was he doing such a foolish act.
    Unless you are ACTUALLY referring to the reader, you did switched between "you" and "him". It's pretty weird, and I don't understand that. You also need to use semi colons, and not connect sentences through full stops:

    You were already in my mind. every time I would enter into a new route or forest I would imagine you holding your hand out to me at the end of a road. And I would smile and run to you and stretch my arm out to you but as our fingertips were about to touch you fade into thin air and I was left all alone once more.
    I bolded the "And" because either it should be removed or you should put a semi colon before it. Semi colons are very useful; I use them them all the time...see? There were lots of other incidents where that happened, but they should stand out fairly obviously.

    This is a one-shot, isn't it? Make sure you call it a one-shot in the title.

    You did a pretty good summary of the encounters with N throughout BW, with the level of description getting higher and higher as it went on, which sort of say how significant the gradual change is.

    Towards the end, I felt a little awkward, which is bound to happen in any good "romantic" scene. It was pretty dark, what with N leaving and Hilda dying of grief, or suicide (I don't remember that happening in the games...). The description was fine, nothing wrong with it, and I liked how you deliberately made it sound like a fairytale, or a metaphor for a fairytale:

    And I became the princess to your empty castle, the princess stuck in a tall castle and the only way she could be saved was her prince to save her and catch her in his arms. I have become the little naive princess looking out into my life in hoping one day you will come back from me. To take me to your new world. Where we could live happily ever after.
    There were other metaphors which I liked, such as this:

    My whole world broke like glass. The sound of broken glass echoed in my ears and my eyes gave my the vision of tiny fragments of glass breaking into tiny unseen particles.
    Well, it was a simile at first.

    Farewell.
    This needs quotation marks.

    Overall, pretty good. Just check up on the spelling and punctuation, then it would be much better.
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  3. #3
    Face it, I'm cute Midnightmoon602's Avatar
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    Default Re: Forever at a standstill (Ferriswheel T-M)

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Metagross View Post
    I have no idea what the standards for shipping are so I don't know if this classes as "good", but it's quite good considering a writer's perspective. Just make sure that ALL NAMES have caps at the beginning. Pokémon should have a caps start, Seven Sages should have a caps start. You switched between calling N as a third person and calling him as a second person too often, by which I mean this:



    Unless you are ACTUALLY referring to the reader, you did switched between "you" and "him". It's pretty weird, and I don't understand that. You also need to use semi colons, and not connect sentences through full stops:



    I bolded the "And" because either it should be removed or you should put a semi colon before it. Semi colons are very useful; I use them them all the time...see? There were lots of other incidents where that happened, but they should stand out fairly obviously.

    This is a one-shot, isn't it? Make sure you call it a one-shot in the title.

    You did a pretty good summary of the encounters with N throughout BW, with the level of description getting higher and higher as it went on, which sort of say how significant the gradual change is.

    Towards the end, I felt a little awkward, which is bound to happen in any good "romantic" scene. It was pretty dark, what with N leaving and Hilda dying of grief, or suicide (I don't remember that happening in the games...). The description was fine, nothing wrong with it, and I liked how you deliberately made it sound like a fairytale, or a metaphor for a fairytale:



    There were other metaphors which I liked, such as this:



    Well, it was a simile at first.



    This needs quotation marks.

    Overall, pretty good. Just check up on the spelling and punctuation, then it would be much better.
    Thankyou for that review. its been a while since i recived a review likes yours. i miss these types of reviews.

    Semi columns. i know what they are its ust i don't when to use them or how. could you tell me how to use them properly, if you dont mind.

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