the final countdown of life
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Thread: the final countdown of life

  1. #1

    Default the final countdown of life

    this my first fan fic plz coment on how i do.

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    i woke up in my bed covered in a cold sweat "what was the dream i had had a few minutes ago about"i said under my breath as i went to the bathroom.i had short red hair that was in a flat top i was large and corded with muscles even in my young age i worked out everyday.i spalshed cold water on my faceand said "that dream has something to do with the strange occurences lately."i need to get some sleep i have a big day ahead of me tommorow i finnaly get to go my father to the orange islands."i groande loudly and said "man i dislike living in saffron its so boring theres barely a shop here and every body is so boring weve got the gym leader to but latley almost no one battled her any more."i went sleep that night thinking of the next day and the strnge thin gs plus the dream i had.some of the strange things were rumored to be crazy stuff like pokemon just dropping dead out of perfect health and pokemoon attacking themselves when in battler against anoth pokemon even if trhey weren't confused.the next morning i woke up to screams of terror i got out of bed instantly grabbed by clothse rapidly put them on and ran out the door.out side i could see what the problem was old ms.dere's mr.mime was face down in a pool of its own vomit and blood.loudly i asked "WHAT ON EARTH HAPPEND TO HIM?"ms.dere replied in a sad almost sobbing voice "i...i...i dont know he... was helping me plant flowers one seond the next he was...was...was like this."i flipped the body over and i instantly realized what had happenedi quickly told her what had happened"his brain looks like its been...been...been liquified and his eyes their almost fully dialted that only happens when a person dies very slowly or a persondoesn't have the nccasary boduy part to stop the pupils from dialateing and that body part happens to be the brain."


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    i realize its short but its just a test run to see how you guys/girls like it i will add more in the mean time trust me


  2. #2

    Default Re: the final countdown of life

    1.) It really doesn't halp if u spell badlyand sometimes dont putspaces and periods at the end of your sentences I woiuld say

    2.) It had a good length but you should space it out and put it in paragraphs.

    3.) To help spelling and things like that, you might want to put it in a word document and copy/paste it into this.

    4.) Once you fix these mistakes, this could be very good.

  3. #3

    Default Re: the final countdown of life

    Bwaaah! What is this? I can not read it at all! You need to start a new line whenever someone else speaks, and regular paragraphs are good too! To quote Blackjack Palazzo (I think), is there a pox on the Enter key these days? And for heavens' sake, use punctuation! Capitalise Pokemon! Periods and commas are your friends! Ack!
    [FONT=Franklin Gothic Medium][center]

  4. #4

    Default Re: the final countdown of life

    "well"i said quitely."i'll alert the the authorites that something has happened to you beloved Mr.mime"i told Mrs.dere.I walked down the road to the police station there i told them of wha happened and they said they would "take care of the body" and "thanks for your help ,son".what on earth is with these wierd happeningsI thought to myself.I went to my house and found my father already packed to go to the orange islands.He said"son why aren't you ready?".I quietly told him ofwhat had happened he sat on a chair with a sof thud."terrible,terrible,terrible"was all he could say and for a time he didnt even move.Then he suddenly jumped up and ran down the street i watched him turn but didn't follow him.I decided to wait until he was ready to talk about it some more and at that moment i realized that he cared for pokemon more than he cared for himself.Later he came home and i asked him what he had been doing he said he had cleaned Mr.mime's body and help prepared it for a burial he also payed half of the funeral costs.'Well dad it's been a long day i guess i'll wait till next time to go to orange islands"i told him just as i went to bed.little did i nor or anyone know there wasn't going to be a next time.I woke in the moring it felt like a normal day but i realized my dad was still sleeping."Hmmmm that's strange dad's usally a early bird maybe he's still recovering from yesterday"i whispered to myself.I went out to some erans and pay my respect to Mr.mime and Mrs.dere.I went to his funeral and expected to see my father but he wasn't there after words i went home and the house was dark."dad" i called softly when no reply came i said it a little louder "Dad" and still no reply i thought something was wrong so i checked the rooms in the house till i found my dad.He was still in bed and this time out of anger i yelled "DAD,DAD WAKE UP" when there was no reply i knew something was wrong i ran to the3 bed and shook him.As i did this i realized he was stiff as a board i felt his pulse there wasn't one."Oh dad icried how coud you leave me"i wept at his bed side till the morning and then i went and told the athorites i couldn't bare to see hiom taken away but i got one glimpse of his face and relized what had killed him "it was a broken heart i told the police a broken heart from all sorrow going around".I could tell because on his face was a look of deep grief so deep it hadn't left him even in death.That night i cried for a long long time and finallyi cried my self to sleep.

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    plz feel free to speak your mind as i take you opinions as guid line to some of my writing


  5. #5
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: the final countdown of life

    For one thing, it would help if you spaced the text out--a huge block of text is too hard to read.

    Secondly, a little more description would be nice--what do these characters look like? What does the setting look like? What do the Pokemon look like? Answering these questions will allow your audience to see what your imagined version of the Pokeworld looks like.
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

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