18th February 2012, 10:39 PM #1
A story idea I've been itching to write for a while now. I've already fleshed it out in my head. If you like the story or how it's going so far, review it ^^ I would definitely love to hear your thoughts and constructive criticism. Please be as blunt as you can.
The only one who can save you is yourself.
- Prologue : "Conditions"
Last edited by Yun; 18th February 2012 at 10:48 PM.
18th February 2012, 10:47 PM #2
Prologue - Exodus
“Those are my conditions.”
Her tone was decisive; completely imperturbable, yet fierce and concluding.
The man sitting at the far end of the table stared at the woman across from him, his eyes scanning her up and down. Her straight stance in front of him, outlined in the dim lighting of the room they occupied, let him know everything he needed to on her decision.
So he pressed. “I would beg you to reconsider… this is not something conditional…”
She spoke immediately. “And I would you to reconsider. This is not something I will do,” she was almost thankful her glare couldn’t be seen through the darkness. She’d most likely be murdered on the spot… that or the man’s face would melt to the bone from its intensity.
Whichever came first, she mused.
The man’s eyes narrowed. A low clinking sound indicated his guard’s prepping of their weapons. He could hear the subtle growls from behind him, low and threatening and directed at the insolent wench in front of their master.
He smirked internally. Such loyal Pokémon they were.
The shadowy figures began to step forward, before a hand went into the air; wordlessly signaling for them to cease.
They took the order in stride, step back into place behind their master’s large chair.
The woman felt internally relieved. Fighting those guards now wouldn’t be in her best interest. Not while she had some things to do…
“So… you are unmoving in your conditions?” he asked finally. His voice resounded with the tone of genuine curiosity. Whatever annoyance in her defiance he held, he’d hidden it expertly.
Years of lying must come in handy, the woman internally seethed.
“Yes,” she replied simply. Careful to not let a hand slip to her hip by habit, she took a marginal step backward. “I am not changing my conditions… I apologize if it inconveniences you,” she continued.
The man let out a long sigh. A fake one, she concluded. Always lies with him… “Alright, Night,” the use of her codename was something she was used to. “I will honor your conditions...”
She could feel the ‘but’ coming.
“But… I will add my own, as well,” his voice came in a mysterious sense of underlying glee. “You see, I’ll impose a time limit.” Night could just feel his smirk splitting his face.
“Time limit?” she questioned. What was he going on about? “Isn’t this mission to be handled with readiness and patience?”’
The man nodded in the darkness. “Yes… yes it is.”
That was all? That was all he had to say?
“Then… why?” Night’s eyes narrowed a bit. Talking in the blackness of the room, she wasn’t able to ascertain his actual expression. From whatever hypothesis she could form, she’d imagined him with a shit-eating grin.
“The situation in the Lowerworld is getting out of hand. I simply need it done quickly, Night,” he sounded to be… beckoning to her.
Seductive. That was one way to put it. Beckoning to her, his smooth and deep voice filled with the lucid tone of a seasoned liar; calling to her very core.
It was a primal instinct to follow his command.
“I still do not fully understand.” A primal instinct.
“Simple. You are to report to your next station immediately.” Then again…
When was the last time she’d ever listened to her instinct? “I’m sorry sir… I can’t.”
The man simply raised an eyebrow. “’Can’t?’ And why is that, soldier?”
‘Soldier’. That was the new title, huh? Soldier?
“I can’t. I… have too much to complete in my current station.”
‘Soldiers’ were what they were called.
“I’m sorry to say, Night; but you have no choice in the matter,” his voice came out as smooth and calm as it had always been; though the definitive in it was completely unconcealed.
Night’s breath hitched. No choice…
The word ‘Soldier’ didn’t fit.
“You are to report to your new station immediately. Is that clear.” It wasn’t a question.
No, what they were was more akin to slaves.
There was a silence. Then she answered. “Yes sir…”
“You are dismissed,” he stated; adding a cheerful tone to his voice as he waved his hand.
The door opened behind her, Night bowing before turning to walk through the door. The trek through his expansive office was something of a daunting task, especially when under such stress as she.
Walking to the outside, the door shut quickly behind her.
… She was alone, now. Alone and due for work. Straightening her uniform, she could only shake her head at it.
A beige, sleeveless jacket made of thin leather, extending down past her waist; complete with a brown, obscured miniskirt, black short underneath, with long brown boots extending up her calves.
The uniform of a trained Sergeant Rank II of the Conciliate. Experts at battling and even more at enforcement of the law.
Revered and feared by all.
She even had the gauntlet to prove it, the piece of equipment on her shoulder glowing with two luminous lines.
She sighed. What did it even mean anymore…?
Bringing a finger back to brush her long blonde hair behind her ears, she turned to begin her trek down the Eastern Hall.
It was time to start her operation…
But first, she’d need her Pokémon back.
As she left, watchful eyes kept a focused and intense gaze upon her. “Such a jewel… a shame she’s becoming more and more dull with each passing day,” the man outwardly mused.
He needed someone trustworthy to help him… someone who wasn’t only two Haxorus. He didn’t express his disgust for his puppyish guards out loud, but most certainly did internally.
What he was looking for was help.
Now, the only problem was to find someone suitable.
20th February 2012, 06:15 PM #3
Have a Rosey Xmas
Well it looks interesting enough however the prologue was very brief so I can't say much about the plot and characters. I will say that you need to add more description into it for future chapters, mostly for their surroundings as well as the character's feelings.
20th February 2012, 08:51 PM #4
official twinkies model
quite the intriguing start here... not too sure about what's going on but i'm willing to believe it will be explained more in the next chapter.
you have a unique way of writing here and adheres to your own personal style. i like it a lot. there's a ton of good expectations out of this.
i may read more once it's posted.
"park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me."