29th January 2012, 11:08 PM #1
Everyone Is A Killer (One Shot)
Welcome to my fanfic. This is the first one I have posted here, so I hope you enjoy! Also please review and comment because I would like some feed back feedback please!
Max looked out the window in his bedroom. The light from the moon filled his room, it was rare to see the moon this bright. He reached to his bedside table and grabbed a strange looking small doll his father gave him for his birthday last month. Ever since he had got it he could not stop thinking about it. It was a small pale man with no cloths and covered in odd black letters across his chest and a large red on of a triangle with a small dot in the center of it. The man's face had a blank look on it that seemed to tell that he had seen something shocking. He put it in his arms and fell asleep with it.
The next morning everyone one in the house woke up but Max. His mother made some food for May who was staying there for the summer.
"Im going to go out today to see your father at the gym so you are here all alone for today. Remember to make sure you and Max do your jobs around the house and don't get into trouble while im gone, ok?",said May's mother who was very late into her pregnancy.
May nodded since her mouth was now full of waffles and butter.
After a few hours of watching TV May desided to check on Max since he never had sleep in this long. She went into his room. The lights where off and it seemed that everything was cold and lifeless in his room. She went to Max's bed and started to shake Max. Max turned over and May was shocked at what she saw. His face looked extremely pale like he had lost all his blood. He opened his eyes which looked glassy and just as colorless as his face.
"Max, are you sick or something?", said May.
Max did not respond.
"Wake up, if your sick your going to have to get up so I can get you some pills!".
She then started to rapidly shake Max and then he finaly got up. May led Max to the living room to let him watch TV while she got some pills for him from the bathroom. Max got off the large brown chair and went to the kitchen to get something. He then went back into his chair and put the long object down his large nightime shirt so May would not see it. May then returned and had some blue pills and a bottle of vile tasting flu and cold medicine. May bent down on her knees and put the pills into her hand.
"Now take these, they will help you."
Max's voice was deep and sounded like a demon from hell. May jumped back and fell on the ground in shock after Max spoke. Max got off the chair and pulled out a large cooking knife from his shirt and pointed the silver tip of the blade at May's face.
"No, I SHALL HELP YOU!".
Max stabbed the May in the chest and the knife went though her lung. She made odd wezzing noises and started to throw up blood. The cut started to bleed, quickly staining a large area of her shirt.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!",screamed May.
Max did not answer. He then stepped onto May and punched her in the face with a unnatural amount of power for a kid his age. He broke May's noise and she screamed in pain!
"Oh...god..why..are..you.....doing...this!", she said weakly.
"I HAVE HEARD ENOUGHT OF YOUR SHIT YOU FUCKING CUNT!", said Max.
He then punched her in the mouth. Max heard a loud crunch and saw that May was screaming and bleed from the mouth with little bits of broken teeth coming out too. Max then stabbed the knife into May's chest and slowly cut open a large hole in it. May looked in horror at the large fleshy hole that was spurting out blood. Max went back into the kitchen and got out a large plastic jug of yellow liquid, lemon juice. He then poured the liquid into the hole in May's gut and she get out gargling noises from her mouth as she chocked on blood and the broken teeth cut the inside of her mouth. The cut started to throb as the lemon juice went deeper in.
Then Max put the knife into May's mouth and gave looked at her with the smile of pure evil on his face. He started to cut open her mouth from ear to ear, slowly and painfuly. May thrash about as Max did this but he held her head still with his free hand. May mouth opened showing all of her mouth and the blood inside drain out threw her expanded mouth. Max then got out a small silver spoon that he had been keeping in his shirt pocket. He then opened May's eye lids with his fingers and and shoved the spoon below her eye. May tried to thrash about but did not have the power to since she had lost alot of blood. Max used the spoon like a lever and slowly popped out her eye. Her eye hanged from her socked by some blood cover muscles so Max cut though it with a knife as May let out more wezzing and gargling noises.
Max then forced the eye into May's mouth and forced her to chew it with his hands using her broken teeth. Max then went to the kitchen and went into the toolbox and came back with a power drill. He laughed madly at May as she slowly rolled around in the pool of blood on the floor. He then pinned her head to the floor and stabbed the powerdrill into her eye socket and turned it one. It shreded the inside of her eye socket and he pushed it deeper in. It soon started to drill her skull and then it went though and Max shoved the last bit of it in and started to drill into her brain. Max took out the drill and May layed lifeless on the floor.
*8 Hours later*
"Prof.Oak, most see him as a kind old man helping kids become trainer! But a shocking discovery was found on his computer today that could change everything! More about this breaking news story at 10!".
The door opened and Max turned off the T.V. The blood had dried on May's corpse.
"Hello! Im home!", said Max's mother.
Max said nothing and his mother went into the living room.
"OH MY GOD!!!!" was the only thing she could say before she fainted at the sight of May's dead body.
She woke up screaming and crying a hour later. She looked at her self and saw a massive bloody hole in her gut and Max holding what looked like a large doll covered in blood and clear liquid.
"Your grave shall now not only have one body, but two!", said Max looked at his mother who was to scared to say anything as she saw Max holding her unborn child. His blank lifeless eyes seemed to cause her more pain just looking at them.
Max put the child on the floor and then stabbed the knife into him and cut through his weak skin and bones. Soon the child was cut into two peices, one with the arms and head and the other with the lower body and legs. Max started to eat the fleash of one of the arms and then set it down. He cut off a large chunck of fleash from the child's leg and then held down onto his mother's head with with old arm and forced the fleash into her mouth. She tried to spit it out but Max forced her mouth shut until she had to chew and swallow it. I took her a long time to eat it as she cried in tears and looked at May's blood soaked body trying not to look into Max's now demon like face. His face had good worse with time now some of his skin was peeling off and his teeth where now yellow and his gums a dark brown color. His skin was still extremely pale and lifeless.
Max then put the rest of the unborn child back into the hole in his mom's womb. He then got a needle and string and start to stich up her womb as she cried in pain still unable to speak nothing outside of mindless muttering. Soon her womb was stiched up and covered with dried up blood. Max then got out some rope and tied her hand and legs up. and dragged her outside. He then letgo of her as she was laying on the cold grass and he came back with a large red gas can. He poured gas all over her body and then lit a match and threw it onto her. He body was covered in flames quickly as she rolled around on the grass in pain letting out screams that seemed to have come from hell its self. Max laughed at his burning mother as he called her a fucking slut and a no good cunt!
Soon her body stopped moving and the flames consumed it. Max went back into the house and cut off bits of May's body and cooked them in a pot and ate them before falling to sleep clutching the doll his dad gave him tighly.
"You are my life, you are my mind, you are my soul!", he said to the doll looking at it.
"I am nothing with out you, you are everything with me!".
He put the doll into his closet and fell asleep.
*11 A.M, the next morning*
Max's dad was coming back home today since he closed the gym during the last week of summer to spend time with his family. He came home and walked into the house, it was quite. He went to the living room ands saw the body of May. He screamed and called 911 on his cell phone. The poilce came over shortly but when they got there they found Max eating his dad's dead body in the living room. He had cut open his dad's neck and smashed his face with a hammer. They cops quickly got a hold of Max and arrested him.
"I did nothing! I dont know what happened!", said Max who now after spending seven hours of being questoned and not saying anyhting before. He looked normal now and had no memory of what he did. He ended up getting the death penilty for his crimes.
They cleaned up the bodies in the house and seven months later where able to sell it to a family that came from Kanto. One night the body who now had Max's room looked in the closet and found the doll.
30th January 2012, 12:48 AM #2
Re: Everyone Is A Killer (One Shot)
I was going to point out the grammar mistakes, but after reading the whole thing, it's the last thing you should be worrying about.
First of all, I don't see why this had to be a Pokemon Fan-fic. Someone who has no idea what Pokemon is could have read this the same way I read this. The only other difference is that the person who's familiar with Pokemon would know what the characters look like. Other than that, you could have just made this an original fic. It's lazy to make it a fan-fic for the sake of having characters that already have an established description.
Second, just blood and gore doesn't make a good story. I found the large paragraphs of the horrid murders were unnecessary since the characters would probably have died way before any of those happened. For example, when May had her lungs stabbed, I'm pretty sure that would have stopped her from breathing, let alone screaming. She definitely should have stopped making noises after she was punched on her mouth. Anyways, the murders were way overkill. It doesn't really help the bland plot.
About the plot, it was really cliche. I even saw the ending coming. Also, it doesn't make much sense. There's no real explanation of what the doll was or what it did to Max. (Also, what kind of father gives his son a creepy doll for his birthday? What did he think when he gave it to him? "Oh, here you go Max. I'm sure your tea parties will be a blast with this doll that's not suspicious at all.") It was just a cliche plot device to carry the story into the murders which were supposed to be the climax. The climax wasn't really that climatic since it was just as an overkill as the first murder.
So in summary, don't make it a Pokemon fic if it has nothing to do with Pokemon. By the way, there wasn't even a single Pokemon in this story. Have some more interesting thing than bloody kills. It's really not that interesting if there's no point behind it. Finally, have an explanation for your plot. Otherwise, it's just a brutal massacre that makes no sense.