Thread: EverStone

This is my first time taking a crack at it and it probably sucks. I know that it probably isn't the best that you will ever read but I want you to at least take a look at it and get a taste. Make sure to give me comments and I'm prepared for the worst. I will add more to the story if I see good reviews or if I get help after bad reviews. This may seem like your average fanfic at first but It's going to be something completely different than you guys have ever seen.


Chapter 1




. It was dark and cloudy over Veilstone city. People were walking into their homes quickly because they were sure that it was going to rain. Blake decided that he would stop quickly at the veilstone store to get some food before stopping back at his house. He was in his average twenties and has a five o' clock shadow on his face. His blonde hair shined from the light reflecting off of it. He was wearing a red tee-shirt with khaki shorts. He was wearing white shoes that had been worn in. He was slender but had a semi masculine look to him. H He walked into the store. He saw the vast amount of shelves and the stairs leading up and down floors. However he was used to this because he had lived in Veilstone City ever since he could walk. He grabbed a shopping cart and decided to do some shopping. He decided to reach for some cereal. Because he was a very tall person, reaching for high items usually was not a problem for him. After spending two hours in the store an overflowing shopping cart convinced him that it was time to check out. He walked up to the cashier and started having his items rung up. He looked outside and saw that rain was crashing down heavily. He was starting to regret going out to the store now but he couldn't do anything about it now.

. "That will be $87.50" said the cashier. Blake quickly opened his wallet and grabbed a hundred dollar bill. He then grabbed his change and started to walk to the exit. He noticed a man walk into the store who was drenched. He was wearing a suit that made him look like he was going to be in some sort of science fiction movie, and had a huge G on his shirt. "What size bowl did the barber use to cut your hair?" asked Blake in a mocking manner at the guy. The guy just shot him an angry look. While walking away he heard the guy mumble under his breath. "He may be laughing now but in a matter of days we'll see whose laughing." Blake looked back at him. He decided not to mess with him because he was in a hurry. He walked out and was instantly soaked by the rain. He was starting to regret leaving his umbrella at home.

. He could barely see his house through the thick wall of rain. He decided to hurry home to avoid getting sick. As he started to run to his house he noticed guy who looked like the man who walked into the store. He was starting to get suspicious about them. He finally made it into his house and quickly started putting groceries away. He lives in a two floor house that had faded blue paint on the outside. His living room consisted of a blue wool couch, a table that seemed to be from an oak tree, and an old television that was starting to lose its brightness. He carried his groceries into the kitchen. He was putting a box of cereal in his cabinet that was beside his fridge. His elbow bumped a jar of jelly knocking it off of his table and shattering it on the floor. The jar shattered all over the kitchen floor. He went to grab a broom from his closet when he looked out his door and saw five men walking towards Veilstone's Department Store. They all looked the same and they all looked exactly like the guy he saw in the store. "Something's not right here." he said to himself. He quickly cleaned up the mess and grabbed his raincoat. He also decided to grab his poke ball that contained a Houndour.

. He walked down the battered road towards the Department Store when he saw the men carrying something in crates from the back of the store. He decided to go investigate the scene. He walked over there and hid in a crate that had small slits between the boards so that he could see what was going on. "Our leader will finally have what he needs to make our new world." said one of the men. "To wipe away all of the impurities has always been our dream and now it's finally being full filled." replied the other man. "I always knew that joining Team Galactic was the right thing to do." "Yeah and after this we're sure to get ranked up so no more being called a grunt." Blake couldn't believe what he was hearing. What is Team Galactic? He thought. What about this new world? It did not make any sense to him. He then felt a shift of gravity and tilted towards the side of box. "Woof this is a really heavy box" said a Grunt.

. Blake had no idea what to do now. If he were to try to jump out he would probably be ambushed by these men. However if he waited he had no idea where he would end up or if he would ever be heard of again. He had to think quickly. He was in a horrible situation and had no idea how to get out of it. He then felt a sudden drop and knew that he had been put on top of something. He had it planned, he was going to jump out and give those guy's what they deserved. Just as he was about to jump out he heard a thud on top of the crate. He looked up and saw that another crate had been put on top of him. Plan A was no longer an option. It was dark and cramped in the crate. He felt as if he was in a moving vehicle but he had no idea where it was going. All he could see around him were crates and most of them were blocking out the sunlight. Before he knew it he had dosed off.

. Blake woke up the sound of a loud grinding noise. He heard footsteps around him and saw a shadowy figure in front of him. He could not quite make out who it was through the slits of the crate but they were right beside of him. He then started to see light shine in and noticed that they were picking up the crate on top of him. He was next and he had no idea what to do. He heard a crunching noise and saw a Grunt open a crate. He was too distracted to notice that someone was on the other side of his crate and was about to pick it up. "I heard this one is really heavy so I'll get it myself." said someone. Blake looked behind him quickly and noticed a shadowy figure behind the crate. He then felt as if everything under him was light as he was being carried. "This is really heavy." said the guy. "I wonder what in the world they could have gotten that could be this heavy." he said straining himself. Blake then felt a sudden drop and saw the man put his hand on both edges of the crate. Blake knew that this was going to be the end of him.

. He then heard a crunching noise as the man broke the side from the crate. He saw light start to rain in man was pulling the side down. Blake had to act now. He decided to act upon impulse and make the first move by busting out of the box and tackling the guy. He then decided it was a bad idea when he noticed that the guy was three times his size. However he knew that no matter how big you are a quick blow to the face could knock any guy out. He then quickly swung his right arm at the man's forehead. He was surprised at how quick the man was fir his size as he had grabbed his arm at the last minute. "We don't take kindly to intruder's" he said. He then hit Blake in the ribs, knocking the breath out of him instantly. Blake saw a red flash and then everything went black.

Exciting! I like the idea. That's funny how Blake went out of his way to mock the Team Galactic grunt's ridiculous hair style. (Blake is a sweet name, by the way: the cool-kid stereotype, along with "Chase.")

Some advice, though. You seem to use this sentence structure too much:

Subject | Verb | Predicate
Try to mix it up a little.

Oh, come on. You know how to write conversation. I know. Nobody likes having a million tiny paragraphs. But you need to make a new paragraph for each new speaker, or we won't be able to tell who's talking-- and then we'll have to read the paragraph over again. Don't create a speed bump!

Also, don't just tell what's happening to the Blake, tell how he feels. Otherwise...

"It's like driving by a horrible car accident-- you may feel a twinge of pity for the victims, but not enough of a twinge to pull over, defy the police officers trying to establish order, and walk up and find out everything you can about what happened. (At least not very many of us would.)."

- From Hooked by Les Edgerton
(Hooked is a great reference book that focuses on story beginnings, by the way.)

Keep it up, home-stuff.

Really good, I liked the description. Describe how they feel now. The paragraphs are a bit long and there are a couple of typos but overall très bien.

Thanks guys I'm really grateful for the positive feedback. I know I did not go much into the plot in the first chapter but I hope to reveal where the story is going by the end of the second or third chapter.

Chapter 2:

Blake started to regain his consciousness. He could barely recollect his thoughts from earlier. He looked down and saw that he was chained to an iron bed.

He tried to struggle to break out of the shackles but had no luck.

"You're not going to break free so you should probably quit struggling." said a Grunt that had massive bulky arms.

He then went on saying, "I don't know how you got in here but I know how you're leaving." He cracked his knuckles and then added "In a body bag"

Blake was really starting to regret ever getting involved in any of this. He felt a feeling of hopelessness sink down into his stomach and wallow there. He knew that there was nothing he could do to fight back.

The Grunt then swung his fist at Blake and hit him in the chest. Pain spilled into Blake as he sat there. The Grunt lifted his fist and decided to hit him in the stomach this time.

Blake felt agonizing pain and nausea from this turn of events. He was starting to feel like he knew that it was not going to end well for him. He felt helpless, like he was at the mercy of a madman.

The Grunt raised his fist again. He was about to swing his fist for the third time when he heard a door open. "Stop!" a man yelled.

The man had blue spiky hair but was similarly dressed like the Grunt. The Grunt hesitated and then lowered his fist. "I have better plans for this kid." the man said

The Grunt looked at the man curiously and then asked, "What do you want me to do?"

"Bring him with me." the man said.

"Of course master Cyrus." replied the Grunt.

*Who in the world is Cyrus?* Blake wondered to himself. He then felt his arms become loosened as well as his legs. "Make one move and you're dead!" barked the Grunt.

The Grunt grabbed Blake's arm and motioned for him to go with him. "So why are we letting him live?" asked the Grunt.

"I never said that I was going to let him live." replied Cyrus. He then went on saying, "You see as I was studying the theories of evolution to help further us towards our new world, I noticed a pattern in what triggered Pokémon to evolve. While researching into it I was able to make a device that would cause a Pokémon to evolve instantly if you blasted the Pokémon."

"What does this have to do with the kid? The Grunt interrupted.

"Well if you would let me finish, you would know." said Cyrus

He then added, "Now I have always wondered if this machine would have any affect on humans. Of course I can't just go blasting my Grunts with a laser, which would be unethical. But where then would I be able to find a test subject."

Oooh, awesome! Scary, too. At "in a body bag," I could feel the fear!
*major twinge*

Some things I saw were a few silly redundancies. Here are a few examples:

"He tried to struggle to break out of the shackles but had no luck."
I suppose you didn't mean that he failed to struggle, did you?

"Blake wondered to himself."
I suppose one can "wonder aloud," but not without it being labeled so.

"...like he was at the mercy of a madman."
"Like" he was at the mercy of a madman? I thought he was! Even if the Grunt wasn't literally mad, leaving "like" out would still be a metaphor, which is stronger than a simile.

Everyone makes redundancies, but after you really start thinking about them, it's funny how so many people make them all the time.

Keep it up! It feels intense!

Hey, nice fic! Good detail and the second chapter's paragraph structure is ALOT better! keep it up. *thumbsup*

It's good, the first chapters was a little too much with all the long paragraphs, but I liked this one

Yeah....guy's I have been very busy and such and I'm not really that far in this story so I think that I'm just going to drop it.

don't drop it, just work on it in intervals. I'm busy with other things and haven't finished my fire emblem fic yet but I will eventually. Don't drop something. I learned the hard way that if you drop a story, regardless of how far in you are, people still get disappointed in you.

Yes, don't drop it. Once you've started something, you should finish it, or else you could go through a half-completed life.

Ooh... That sounded corny.

I know that the second chapter is out and all, but I just need to point out one thing wrong about the first chapter.

Originally Posted by The King of Nidos

Chapter 1




It was dark and cloudy over Veilstone city.

Never start like that. Remember, first impressions are everything. No one's going to be interested (okay, fine, so maybe the rest of the reviewers are...) in reading it if you start with the weather. It bores readers.

I conquer. Please try to grab the readers attention better and space the paragraphs better as well.

Originally Posted by The King of Nidos

Yeah....guy's I have been very busy and such and I'm not really that far in this story so I think that I'm just going to drop it.

Yea don't drop it, the story started out great. Just update when you can.

Well, I like the dark and stormy night opening. Reminds me of what I do. I start with, "The time was..." Usually the time is 11:53 PM (cookies to whoever gets the reference).

Keep it going. Someone's going to read it. That you know.

Well....this chapter is kinda short today but I hope you guy's like it. Please give me positive feedback =D.

Chapter 3:

The Grunt guided Blake into a dark room. "Now let me introduce to you my newest weapon." said Cyrus. "I like to call it Weapon E."

"And what's the E for?" asked Blake. "Well you're about to find out" said Cyrus. He then let out a dark laugh. "Grunt! Chain him down to that chair and the charge up our newest weapon."

The Grunt did as told. He started to drag Blake to a small metal chair sitting in the middle of the room. "Ok I've let you guys have your fun and games but now I just want you to get the hell off of me!" exclaimed Blake.

He then thrust his elbow at the Grunt. "You shouldn't have done that" said the Grunt angrily. He then thrust his fist right into Blakes face causing his eye to feel like it swell up.

Blake was too thrown off by the new pain that had been added to his face to resist the Grunt. Also the Grunt was three times Blake's size so tying him down was a breeze.

The Grunt walked towards one of the wall. He then dragged out something that was under a sheet. "Let me introduce to you my baby!" he yelled as he yanked the sheet off.

"This is Weapon E, and after all of the trouble you put us through I can't wait to test it out on you." he then hit a button on the device. It started to make noises and flash. Kevin tried to break free from the chair but there was no use. He was stuck.

He then heard a humming noise come from the machine. "Ah finally it's ready." said the Grunt. Hopefully after getting fired upon by this your DNA won't be changed too much. We don't want a mutant running around here." He said in a mocking tone.

"Oh yeah well I hope you're not too much of a mutant when you're burning in..." He was interrupted by a bright flash that slammed into his chest. He then started to feel his heart race. Everything was shining to him and he felt as if he was having a seizure.

His arms started to throb. In fact his whole body was violently shaking and out of control. He then felt energy racing through his body. All he could see was a bright flashing light. His screams of agony were muffled by the loud humming noise.

A burst of energy then ejected from him and the lights started to fade. Blake slumped in his chair. "Hmmmm he seems to have not changed at all." said the Grunt. "You!" Blake shouted. He then struggled in his chair and broke the chains as if he was being tied by thin threads.

"What.....the..." Blake then leaped across the room and landed on the Grunt. He then grabbed the Grunt by the throat. "You will pay for this!" he screamed as he launched his fist onto the Grunt's face causing it to explode instantly. He then stood up and stared at his hands in disbelief.

"Wow it's like this thing has given me powers...." said Blake. He then thrust his fist into the wall causing it to collapse instantly. He then darted towards any exit he could find.