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  1. #1
    darĸneѕѕ prevaιlѕ.
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    Default Everday[Pokemon]

    Hello, here is my first attempt at Pokemon Fanfic writing. All Criticism is welcomed.
    ----------------------
    Ch.1
    "Are you sure its hatching, Laya?" Tamaska asked, watching the cracking egg worriedly.
    "Of course it is is." Laya answered, watching the yellow nose pop out of the egg.
    "Cyn!" A small voice came from the small Cyndaquill, now out of the egg. The parents both gasped as they watched the newborn crawl towards them. Laya pcked the Cyndaquill up and said
    "Its a boy! What should we name him?" She asked, looking over at Tamaska.
    The Typhlosion thought for a moment, and said "Rebel?" Laya nodded and smiled.
    "Thats a great name." She said. cradling the newborn. **Soon, Rebel fell asleep, and Tamaska went of to hunt.
    "Theres got to be more out here then just a Dunsprace..." He said, sniffing the air. Suddenly, a Tyranitar stomped towards him. Tamaska looked up at the beast, eyes narrowed.
    "What are you doing on my territory?" Tyranitar asked, staring down at him angrily.
    "Your territory? This is mine!" Tamaska barked.
    "Oh Really? How about we fight for it then?" Tyranitar challenged.
    "Fine with me." Tamaska said. The two circled, then Tamaska jumped him. Tyranitar dodged, then grabbed him. He held a claw to Tamaksa's throat. Tamaska snarled and used Eruption. Tyranitar laughed and pressed the claw closer.
    "Give in?" He asked. "Never!" Tamaska barked. "Fine." Tyranitar said, then slit his throat and dropped him.
    Tamaska choked a little, then passed. "Stupid rodent." Tyranitar laughed, walking away. *

    "I hope Tamaska is ok..." Laya thought worriedly. Later, the scent of Typhlosion blood drifted into the den.
    "Tamaska!!" She barked, standing and dash out of the den. Rebel was fast asleep, still in the den. Laya arrived at the scene, and fell to her knees.
    "N-no..." She whimpered, tears streaming down her face. She then stood, enraged. She sniffed the air, and caught scent of Tyranitar.
    "I'm going to find you and kill you!!!" She howled, dashing towards the scource of the scent. Tyranitar barely heard the howl and snorted.
    "Bring it." In a few moments, Laya was near him, charging Double Kick. Tyranitar turned around, and his eyes widened. "What the-" She kicked him in the face, then the Chest. He stumbled backwards and on to his back. Tyranitar roared and fired Hyper Beam at her as he stood, impaling her on a thick branch.
    She whimpered and coughed, then used Extrasensory to choke him. Tyranitar held his throat, slowly suffocating. He fell to his knees, and passed out.
    She kept suffocating him, until he finally died. She sighed in relief, and half smiled.
    "G-good l-luck, Reb-bel..." She whispered, before finnaly releasing her grip on life.
    An Umbreon and an Espeon were walking, and smelled blood.
    "Rin, do you smell that...?" The Umbreon asked.
    She nodded. "Twist, it's Typhlosion blood...." Rin said sadly.
    "Let's go." Twist said, dashing and Rin following.
    They found Tamaska's body. "Hes dead." Rin said.
    "Tamaska..." Twist growled. "Who could have done this?" He said, walking foreword.
    Soon, they were upon Tyranitar and Layas' bodies. Rin shook her head. "They had a baby, didn't they?" She asked.
    "Yep. We should go check." Rebel was still asleep, dreaming of playing with other Pokemon.
    The Eeveelution Duo arrived at the den and gasped.
    "They did." Twist said. "We have to take care of him." Rin said, picking Rebel up by the scruff.

  2. #2
    sink. an illegible mess.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Everday[Pokemon]

    alright here's a full blown out review. :U

    "Are you sure its hatching, Laya?" Tamaska asked, watching the cracking egg worriedly.
    "Of course it is is." Laya answered, watching the yellow nose pop out of the egg.
    you say "watching" in both of these sentences. instead of using the same word, use something different like "seeing", "viewing", etc. use a thesaurus for help if you need any.

    "Cyn!" A small voice came from the small Cyndaquill, now out of the egg. The parents both gasped as they watched the newborn crawl towards them. Laya pcked the Cyndaquill up and said
    "Its a boy! What should we name him?" She asked, looking over at Tamaska.
    there's a bit of grammar confusion here. you make a new paragraph after laya said, when you should have made a new paragraph after the sentence "the parents both gasped as they watched the newborn crawl towards them". also, you left out an i in picked.

    "Thats a great name." She said. cradling the newborn. **Soon, Rebel fell asleep, and Tamaska went of to hunt.
    i don't know if the asterisks were a typo or not, but don't add that. also, make a new paragraph after "she said, cradling the newborn". and, why did rebel suddenly fall asleep? how much time had passed since the cyndaquil hatched? is it night or day? where are they, specifically? where's laya?

    "Theres got to be more out here then just a Dunsprace..." He said, sniffing the air. Suddenly, a Tyranitar stomped towards him. Tamaska looked up at the beast, eyes narrowed.
    "What are you doing on my territory?" Tyranitar asked, staring down at him angrily.
    i don't know about you, but if i were that typhlosion, i'd at first be startled, and i'd be more than just staring at him angrily. i'd be growling and trying to look bigger as if to scare him off. and again, where is she hunting, and where did the tyranitar jump out from? also what does the tyranitar look like? imagine if someone decided to read your story and didn't know what kind of pokemon tyranitar was. describe it; is it bigger than the typhlosion or smaller/it's size? what is it's color? what features does it possess?

    "Fine with me." Tamaska said. The two circled, then Tamaska jumped him. Tyranitar dodged, then grabbed him. He held a claw to Tamaksa's throat. Tamaska snarled and used Eruption. Tyranitar laughed and pressed the claw closer.
    not to be rude, but this has very, very bad description. explain a little more about what's going on. describe the moves the tyranitar and typhlosion use. what do the moves look like and how bad do they damage the tyranitar/typhlosion? did the eruption hurt the tyranitar? he had to have had at least some damage dealt by the move.

    "Give in?" He asked. "Never!" Tamaska barked. "Fine." Tyranitar said, then slit his throat and dropped him.
    Tamaska choked a little, then passed. "Stupid rodent." Tyranitar laughed, walking away. *
    this is very blunt and to the point. you're missing new paragraphs when needed, and there's no description. did the typhlosion struggle before tyranitar slit his throat? was there any blood drawn? where did the tyranitar walk off to?

    "I hope Tamaska is ok..." Laya thought worriedly. Later, the scent of Typhlosion blood drifted into the den.
    where is laya right now? how much time had passed since the death of tamaska and when he went off to hunt? was tamaska close by and that's how laya was able to scent the blood, or does she have a very keen sense of smell?

    "Tamaska!!" She barked, standing and dash out of the den. Rebel was fast asleep, still in the den. Laya arrived at the scene, and fell to her knees.
    how does she know it's tamaska? does he have a certain scent to him? most animals know the smell of their mates and friends, so you should explain that more if it applies to the pokemon as well. also, dash should have an "ed" at the end. again, where did she run off to and where was tamaska?

    "N-no..." She whimpered, tears streaming down her face. She then stood, enraged. She sniffed the air, and caught scent of Tyranitar.
    there should be an a in front of tyranitar as it is specific. also, explain more about how laya felt about her mate's passing. did she have a feeling of helplessness, or revenge for her fallen love? did she think about her child and how it would grow up without a father?

    "I'm going to find you and kill you!!!" She howled, dashing towards the scource of the scent. Tyranitar barely heard the howl and snorted.
    "Bring it." In a few moments, Laya was near him, charging Double Kick. Tyranitar turned around, and his eyes widened. "What the-" She kicked him in the face, then the Chest.
    the sentence structure is a little confusing in this. i think you may need some help on when and when not to make new paragraphs. also, the transition to the tyranitar's thoughts is rather sudden, and explain more about laya's vengeance for tamaska. what is she running through? a forest? jungle? desert? mountain area? plain? explain the scene a little bit more and describe it. and chest doesn't need to be capitalized.

    "G-good l-luck, Reb-bel..." She whispered, before finnaly releasing her grip on life.
    did laya have any last thoughts, besides about rebel, before she died?

    An Umbreon and an Espeon were walking, and smelled blood.
    where are they walking, and how close are they to the murder scene?

    She nodded. "Twist, it's Typhlosion blood...." Rin said sadly.
    "Let's go." Twist said, dashing and Rin following.
    why should they care about the death of another pokemon? in the wild, most animals aren't compassionate about the death of another species. it may mean food to them, or nothing altogether. do they have a special bond with typhlosions?

    "Tamaska..." Twist growled. "Who could have done this?" He said, walking foreword.
    Soon, they were upon Tyranitar and Layas' bodies. Rin shook her head. "They had a baby, didn't they?" She asked.
    so, they do know the typhlosions? where from? are they old friends of his? what was their first reaction seeing them both dead? how did they know they had a baby?

    "Yep. We should go check." Rebel was still asleep, dreaming of playing with other Pokemon.
    there should be a new paragraph after the quotes. also, did the umbreon and espeon know at first where the den was? did they have to search for it?

    The Eeveelution Duo arrived at the den and gasped.
    "They did." Twist said. "We have to take care of him." Rin said, picking Rebel up by the scruff.
    do they discuss the fact that they have to take care of rebel? will they hold a burial for the parents? what were they thinking when they saw rebel?

    one of the huge things you have to fix here is double spacing your paragraphs. don't leave them like what you have now, as it's hard to read and can annoy some people.

    overall, the plot seems interesting, albeit, maybe a little cliched. still, if you add more description on the scenes and explain more, it will be rather enjoyable. i will review upcoming chapters if you like.

  3. #3
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: Everday[Pokemon]

    The points Lady Lucifer stated were right. You need to work on how you explain things. Suspense is indeed a valuable part of a story, but sometimes it can be annoying for the reader to figure everything out.

    Another thing I want to point out is that the length of the chapter is very short. You should keep in mind of this and try to make a longer chapter.

    Anyway, it seems good so far, but you have stuff to work on. Expecting to see more.

  4. #4
    Rawr! I iz da Kwaken! Polkadot Jolteon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Everday[Pokemon]

    You do need to work on your description a bit more, but overall for a first effort, not bad. The story's got potential.

  5. #5
    Registered User beastmode953's Avatar
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    Default Re: Everday[Pokemon]

    Everyone jas coveted everything else but I like your plot. Wonder how rebel would grow up to be being raised by another species. It gives me a jungle book feel lol. Like they said.before there's potential.

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