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  1. #91
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (1) [Chapter X]

    Quote Originally Posted by Stellar Haze View Post
    I really liked this chapter, though I was in a reading mood today so you're lucky xD
    Are you saying you wouldn't have liked it otherwise? xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Stellar Haze View Post
    I'll be waiting for the second part of this two parter and see what happens at the end of it all, maybe Gabe and Marissa can finally meet xD
    Actually, it's planned to be a three-parter. Though we'll see how things go, I might even add the fourth part.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sai View Post
    Ok, I really liked this chapter overall, from the battle at the beginning to the quarrel between Gabe and Riley to the twist ending that was to say the least shocking.
    I am so happy everyone liked the twist! Everybody likes a good twist, now and then. :D

    Quote Originally Posted by Sai View Post
    I just want you to make sure you keep the consistency of these great chapters throughout, so don't slack off. ;)
    I'll do my best, thanks!

    Thank you guys for reading and commenting, it means so much to me! I'm also very glad to hear that you liked the twist, though you might find yourself surprised by another one or two plot twists in the near future. Anyway, there's one more thing I have to say.

    Upon the conclusion of 'Our Fates Entangled', a second part of the story will commence! I'm currently not set on the number of parts this story will consist off, though I'm aware of the plot points and possible new characters that have a high chance of getting introduced. I'm doing this in order to keep things fresh so you might as well consider the second part like a sort of second season.

    Thanks for all your support, I don't think I'd have made it this far without you guys!

  2. #92
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (1) [Chapter X]

    Hello! What do we have here, a MAJOR plot twist you say? Interesting...

    Probably my favorite part in the chapter was when Marissa was thinking and debating with herself over saving Gaberial and taking her Vulpix to the Pokemon Center. It gives alot of depth to the character. But the part where Samuel isn't dead is really surprising, and he's working with the bad guys. Le Gasp!

    Can't wait to see how the characters are going to deal with this...

  3. #93
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (1) [Chapter X]

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    Hello! What do we have here, a MAJOR plot twist you say? Interesting...
    Wow, everyone seem to consider this major, haha!

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    But the part where Samuel isn't dead is really surprising, and he's working with the bad guys. Le Gasp!
    Yeah, but he's obviously doing it willingly! :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    Can't wait to see how the characters are going to deal with this...
    Me neither, especially how a certain character will react.

    Thank you for reading and commenting, Thabet/Starbrow/etc. Like I said, it means a lot to me! :)

  4. #94
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Post Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    Before I post this chapter, I'd like thank all my current readers because I'm certain that I wouldn't have made it this far without your comments and support, those were the vital things that kept me writing this story. Needless to say, this is the biggest amount of chapters I have ever written as this is the longest fic I've ever had (which is a bit embarrassing) and that alone speaks for itself. So, thank you, everyone! This is all because of you!

    With no further ado, I present to you - chapter 11.
    @Sai; @Thabet; @Cosmos;

    Oh, and I apologize for the double post. ^^;



    Chapter XI - Our Fates Entangled (2)



    The human body is a truly an enigma. In fact, I have always found myself genuinely stunned by this fact, while admiring it at the same time, how a human body – under the right amount of pressure while overflowing with adrenaline, could achieve all sorts of great feats allowing it overcome even the hardest of tasks with difficulty, under sudden outburst of strength or stamina seemingly coming out of nowhere. Similarly, despite all the rush of stress and panic that was going on inside of me, I was stunned by my capabilities, especially my ability to overcome the limits I never knew I could overcome, or that I possessed. As such, making it halfway across the Viridian Forest, or at least what was left of it, in about ten minutes was no difficult task for me.

    I was in a massive state of hysteria.

    Following my mother's phone call and her fearsome words, I found myself running through the remains of the now chillingly colorless Viridian Forest like a lunatic paying no attention to the, now completely distorted, world around me.

    I never ran so badly in my entire life, but then again, I never cared so badly.

    You could say that I was scared, shocked, desperate, but surprised? No, I was everything but surprised. After my father died, my brother's career going haywire and all of it leading to my mother's despair and my eventual sickness - was there anything left? Of course, someone would have attacked my brother or killed him, it was yet another sadistic, dark and utterly twisted joke that the person who others refer to as "God" had played on us. You could say that someone up there was already beating the dead horse, because that's what my family ultimately was, something perished, something beaten up and led to the point of evanescence.

    Strangely, I thought of my mother. How was she doing?

    She couldn't have been more broken after I left, and now… he was gone too.

    I immediately stopped.

    Shedding the first tears of regret ever since I left, I felt sadness, that deep remorse for leaving a poor woman behind, regret of not being able to forgive the woman who went through shit to take care of us. I exhaled deeply, grabbing the rough surface of the charred tree.

    "Pull yourself together," I whispered to myself plucking for the pieces of its bark.

    I inhaled once more and then kept on running.

    Viridian wasn't far away now and within minutes of painful activity I knew as I was running that I had managed to reach the main street, right outside the path leading into the forest. I felt nostalgic upon looking back at the colorless remains of something that used to be so full of life, full of bright colors.

    It was yet another reminder to me that nothing stayed the same.

    Everything changes, within a second, your whole life can be twisted around - become something painful or even something joyful, as rare as it is, it can become something you never before knew as your own life. Though what saddened me the most was the fact, that while all that was good and joyful would ultimately find its end someday, everything else that was dark and corrupted would remain existing, keeping its shadowy roots of despair widespread.

    Nothing ever stays the same.


    ///



    Step by step.

    Unable to run in all my tiredness, that's how I kept moving, a step by step. One step at a time and then the other one - each one defining a single move made by me, the unique me, the essence of myself - the being that makes me who I am. Make a single wrong step and you're dead; that's how tricky life is. It was funny, because, my whole life I always made the right steps. I always obeyed and I thought living would be easier that way. And then, when I learned of my disease, I took my first step in wrong direction, by developing some sort of inner hatred towards her, by not being able to understand my mother, by not being able to forgive her.

    It didn't help.

    It seemed as if, no matter which step I made, things would always go wrong.

    I stopped, taking a long, nostalgia-driven gaze at my home. With my last remaining bits of strength, I ran towards the door rushing into the house; aroma of her cooking once again overwhelmed my senses.

    "Mom," I barely muttered under influence of conflicting emotions.

    In the company of professor Amaryllis, she suddenly forced her legs up instantly wiping her tears and fixing her same old, hazel brown hair. I didn't move and nor did she. Her leg suddenly twitched as if she was going to approach me, though she stopped at once as if something kept her from moving. She clapped her hands together not even bothering to let the waterfall of her tears cease; I realized that she was afraid of my reaction, afraid of what I'd say, of what I'd do if she even tried to approach me.

    Perhaps it was time for me to make the right step again.

    I smiled upon realization.

    Before she could realize what was happening, I found myself tightly embracing her tiny body, feeling her warmness and her subtle shivering. "I'm sorry," I whispered the words.

    Those fateful words, the ones she probably desired to hear for a while - the words of a son to his mother, a son regretting his actions, a son wishing to turn back the clock in order to erase his sins. We had both sinned, but at the very end, this wasn't a perfect family and we weren't perfect people and I was quite far from being a perfect son. But despite all that, somehow, in the epitome of all this sadness and despair, I had managed to reach forgiveness.

    She reached for my hand firmly.

    "Are you staying?"

    "Yes," I softly spoke out, "I'm staying as long as it takes."


    -


    "When did you realize he was gone?"

    My feet couldn't stand still due the impulsive anxiety running through my body, I failed to remain calm and composed - something I should have been in front of my worrywart mother but couldn't. I couldn't understand how my brother could disappear without a trace; it was a frustratingly helpless feeling. Led by that emotion, I walked through every single inch of our everlastingly unchanged living room.

    Funny, everything but our house seemed to change; our house always stayed the same.

    "Two days ago. I called him at work but his employer said he didn't show up at all. I wasn't worried at first; I thought that he maybe had a date or something. But he didn't come home, Gabriel. And then I tried calling you to see if maybe you had any idea, if maybe he went to see you but... "

    We shortly exchanged looks. Seemingly frustrated by my presence, Professor Amaryllis didn't seem overly happy what my mother had to say which led her to confronting me.

    "You know, I don't understand how you could leave your cell phone off the whole time. Do you have any idea how concerned your mother was? And don’t let me even begin about the whole Viridian forest fiasco. How could you be senseless like that? She was worried sick! You could have called, you know?"

    "Hey, do you have any idea how-"

    "No," she cut me off, "there is no excuse for that. What you did was immature and senseless!"

    I looked back at Mom; her eyes were focused at the floor.

    "I'm sorry, okay! Look, could we not argue right now? There are bigger problems!"

    "So you're saying you don't know anything about your brother at all?"

    "No," I shortly answered. "Did you call the police?"

    "Of course, we called the police," she answered annoyingly. "And when was our police of help anyway?"

    "True," I mumbled uneasily.

    "Jenna," she laid her hand on her shoulder, "I have to go now, but please call me if there are any news, okay?" She nodded at her words escorting her to the door; her cold glare was still fixated at me.

    "Senseless idiot," she added.

    "Crazy witch," I remarked while smiling innocently.

    The door shut leaving behind a fragrance of delicious berries, I smiled unconsciously. It was probably her new perfume; she always had a strange taste, that silly woman. Disregarding the abrupt thought, I walked to my mother sitting myself next to her. We both remained silent until one of us decided to speak.

    "How ... are you doing? You know. Are you doing fine?"

    She meant the cancer. I suddenly came to realization that she wasn't aware of anything; in sudden strike of guilt, I began speaking - her deep emerald green eyes were gleaming with worry.

    "Wait, so the drugs are helping you? And who is Mr. Alstrom? Did he cover our bills?"

    "Yes. Julian is Riley's father."

    "Oh, that nice young man who accompanied you?"

    "No, I accompanied him. And he isn't nice," I remarked smilingly.

    "If he isn't nice, why are you accompanying him?"

    It was a tough question alright, even tougher to answer on.

    "Gabriel," she reached for my hand, "please tell me everything. I've been doing nothing but crying and panicking for these two days and I... I need to get my mind off things. How was your journey so far?"

    Thus, I began speaking.


    *


    "Ah!"

    He yelled in discomfort upon suddenly emerging in a grassy field overflowing with colorful flowers, the grassy field of Pallet. His bandages were off and he could clearly see that he was no longer being held captive. He kept the smile for himself in the wake of irritating confusion.

    "What the hell was all that about? Was that my father? Where is he?"

    He rushed to get up; the slim man of long dark hair didn't respond to his words.

    "Why did you let me go?" Damian pursued to yell.

    "Kid, you ask too many questions. I don't need to explain myself to you. All that man needed was some motivation to get his job done. Now that he found it, there's nothing standing in our way."

    "Someone is holding my father captive! Why? You need to help me, please."

    "Now listen kid, do not mistake my actions for something else, alright? There is only one person I take orders from and it ain't the trash of a man who's keeping your father restrained."

    "Why are you doing this?"

    "Make sure to let you family know," he added before teleporting away once again.

    The field continuously cherished by people of Pallet town - it was the Pallet Flower Field - one of the few reminders that nature in their world was going to hell and they did everything in their power to keep a momentum of such a glorious existence. Damian took a long look; the gleeful beauty of this area sharply contrasted his inner turmoil. He had to get back home, his mother Jenna needed to know.

    Gabriel needed to know.


    -



    "I'm sorry to hear that. But it all sounds really exciting! Isn't that the reason you left in the first place?"

    Maybe. I had forgotten. I initially thought it was because I wanted to accomplish something. In fact, I still wanted to do that but with my lack of trainer abilities - there was no way I could ever become a trainer. Maybe it was due to my lack of will, perhaps I should have returned for Scyther, forced it to listen to me. Even after Riley caught it and gave it to me probably with good intentions, I simply released it. Was I that childish that I couldn't even admit I was wrong?

    "Maybe," I muttered feeling lightheaded.

    "Gabriel?" She said slowly.

    "Yes?"

    "I'm sorry I was selfish. I am sorry, I burned Samuel's letter - you should have gotten to read it as well. I know I'm a failure of a mother and that I don't even deserve to call myself one," tears emerged with each word she spoke out.

    "Mom, I can't even imagine everything you had to go through simply in order to keep Damien and me from starving, the pain you had to go through, the hard work you had to go through - I can't even express in words how grateful I am, to you, for being there for us. I love you, Mom."

    "Do you really mean it? Do you really forgive me?"

    "Only if you can forgive me for being ... senseless and immature, like the professor said."

    "Of course I can," she proceeded to hugging me.

    There it was again - that strange feeling of warmness emanating from her. Or was it me? The moment of serenity in the few seconds in which she hugged me seemed to last forever. But then once more, my thoughts shifted back at my brother, who was missing.

    "Where is he?" I asked not expecting an answer.


    -


    The door suddenly burst widely.

    "Damian!"

    Needless to say, both Mom and I were shocked to witness Damian emerge through that door - it was a moment of short disbelief. Mom instinctively got up from her feet running to embrace him as I stood and smiled in bewilderment. He looked perfectly fine, no signs of injuries were visible, and not a single scratch seemed to be present. His face however, despite happiness, expressed something else - it expressed shock and a state of confusion - he was fazed by something and we had yet to realize how drastic his words would turn out to be.

    "Are you okay?" I asked touching his shoulder, he shook his head approaching the sofa in silence.

    "Are you hurt? Where were you?" Mom was persistent.

    "No, I'm fine. Someone ... someone took me somewhere."

    Unwillingly?" I sharply responded with a question; he nodded.

    "But you're okay, right? They didn't do anything to you?"

    "Mom, I'm not okay ..." his tone of voice suddenly dropped; he peered his tearful eyes right at me as if readying himself to announce something shocking, something major.

    Though nothing could prepare me for what he was about to say.

    "It's Dad, he ... he's alive."


    To Be Continued



    What a cliffhanger, right? We're slowly but safely approaching the second part of this fic ... :)

  5. #95
    ^^ Safe-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    Well I thought this chapter was just great, one of the best even.

    The best part in my opinion was the beginning, you portrayed Gabe's character impeccably. And the scene with him and Jenna was heartwarming.

    Oh, and since I'm your beta-reader probably nobody other than I will be able to point out grammatical mistakes -unless I miss something- so I'll be pointing them out from now on... but in the PMs. :P

    COMING SOON!

  6. #96
    Christmas Bubble Frog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (1) [Chapter X]

    Part 1

    Sucker Punch of the century, wow. So Gabe's daddy is working with the big bad it seems. Doesn't look like anything he "wants" to do though. Marissa and Vulpix being Gabe's salvation was a nice scene as well, as it highlighted to an extent Gabe's unwilling trust in Scyther in comparison to Marissa and Vulpix's near perfect faith in each other despite only recently meeting and Vulpix being Liv's Pokemon. I really liked Marissa's concern for Vulpix, it shows she cares a lot for Vulpix is it's a very endearing and adoring scene in her character that was portrayed nicely, given she seems to be somewhat avoiding contact with many people. Riley's line to Gabe and the concern he showed was nice as well, I liked how Gabe got mad and left. I liked how you've highlighted Gabe's fear of death more by showing his fear toward Scyther and looking at "him"? "Her"? As more of a monster in a sense. Something I also suggest doing is giving genders to your Pokemon, makes you feel more connected to them as characters and related to them, it's understandable with Gabe and his Scyther to an extent as Gabe doesn't seem to want anything to do with it so I doubt he would care about the gender. But, Marissa and her Vulpix have nice harmony with each other so Marissa referring to Vulpix by its gender instead of "it" would feel so natural and show she knows it to an extent. Otherwise it was a nice chapter ^^

    Part 2

    So, Gabe left Riley and Marissa back in Viridian City? o_0 He released Scyther too, interesting. Damian was kidnapped and reveals that their father is indeed very much alive and well, but working for a very bad man. Hm...interesting, I liked the Amaryliss scene too, you really did nicely ont he interactions in particular, nice imagery and description too. You really feel Gabe's sorrow a bit, and his mom is really sweet and we finally find out her name is Jenna. I'm looking forward to what will happen next, since Gabe has no Pokemon anymore.
    Last edited by Bubble Frog; 3rd June 2012 at 12:24 AM.

  7. #97
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    This was a great chapter, alot of emotion and feelings here, which is something I particularly enjoy about this story since you do it so well. I dunno, maybe it's just because you write from Gabe POV? When you read it, you actually feel like this is actually written by the character himself, rather than a third person writer. That is a sign that you're beginning to master the first person POV. Well done.

    Just a question, to perhaps get to a reason to why Gabe's POV is so well done. Are Gabe's thoughts and emotions stemming from your own? I mean, have you ever experienced any of the emotions you depict?

  8. #98
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    Quote Originally Posted by Sai View Post
    The best part in my opinion was the beginning, you portrayed Gabe's character impeccably. And the scene with him and Jenna was heartwarming.
    Oh it was? That's a relief. You know, I was actually wondering whether I should have had Gabriel forgiving his mother on the very start or at the end of the chapter since I felt like having it done at the very beginning would seem rushed. But then I figured that it's only natural that such event would cause Gabriel to immediately rethink his decisions. It was easier this way too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sai View Post
    Oh, and since I'm your beta-read probably nobody other than I will be able to point out grammatical mistakes -unless I miss something- so I'll be pointing them out from now on... but in the PMs. :P
    Oh, you're very welcome to do that! :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Gotpika View Post
    Something I also suggest doing is giving genders to your Pokemon, makes you feel more connected to them as characters and related to them, it's understandable with Gabe and his Scyther to an extent as Gabe doesn't seem to want anything to do with it so I doubt he would care about the gender. But, Marissa and her Vulpix have nice harmony with each other so Marissa referring to Vulpix by its gender instead of "it" would feel so natural and show she knows it to an extent. Otherwise it was a nice chapter ^^
    You're probably right since Vulpix will remain an important character, or at least a Pokémon character. I'm very glad that you liked the twist as well, thank you for your compliments!

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    When you read it, you actually feel like this is actually written by the character himself, rather than a third person writer. That is a sign that you're beginning to master the first person POV. Well done.
    Thank you very much! I do my best to incorporate Gabriel's feelings, emotions and beliefs in many things he says.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    I mean, have you ever experienced any of the emotions you depict?
    That's an interesting question. Hmm, I don't know, I pretty much see Gabriel as a foil of mine. If I were a character, Gabriel would be my foil. Because, he knows he's going to die and instead of wasting his time on getting better, he decides to leave and take the best from life or at least that's what he believes. I'm not sure if I could ever do the same thing, if I could just leave - unlike him, I'd probably settle for therapies, I wouldn't have as much courage as he does.

    Gabriel was rejected by people when he moved to Viridian. Me? I never moved but the reason I wasn't quite as social was due to me isolating myself from others due to huge social anxiety. But in terms of being emotional, I believe both Gabriel and I are on the same wavelength - we're both quite emotional. Also, as well as Gabriel, I have an older brother. Though I do believe in God, unlike him, despite occasionally questioning his motives behind things - which is where Gabe's stance on God probably stem from.

  9. #99
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    Well that cliffhanger was expected since I had already figured out that it was his dad xD but overall I liked the chapter cause it finally settled the ties between Gabe and his mother. It was a good way to settle their problems, but I felt like the chapter was a little bit rushed and honestly, I expected more action xD you know since the first part left me hooked and all that.

  10. #100
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    Finally caught up! I said I'd read and review all of the fics that won awards, so I figured I'd start with this one since you read Unpredictable and I read the first version of this. I'm really tired right now so forgive me if this review is a little weird. If I had the time and energy I'd have gone chapter by chapter, but I hope an overall review is sufficient. First off, a couple things I wanted to point out:

    “This whole life is one big mess of a trouble. I’m afraid that whether we manage to stay out of problems or not is not our decision at all. That’s just how life works.”
    This was a powerful line. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but this sounds an awful lot like destiny, which Gabe is so opposed to the idea of.

    The most powerful Pokémon such as Magneton and Haunter centered their attacks at the outrageous Nidoking who didn’t seem to spare anyone.
    Magneton? Against a part ground-type? Seems a poor allocation of resources. I like that you made them second tier Pokemon, and Nidoking incredibly strong. It shows the rarity and power of fully evolved Pokemon.

    And now on to the general comments and criticisms:

    PLOT: There is a very obvious difference between the plot of this version and the first version of the fic. You have set it all up quite well, with lots of seemingly random side stories that all seem to be tying together. As has been mentioned before, I fear that Gabriel's cancer will become forgotten in lieu of the bigger story. The disease is imperative to the setup of the plot, but in the last couple chapters I feel like its been shunted aside. I understand that you can't and shouldn't bring it up every chapter, but I feel like it isn't all that important to the story anymore. What is focused on, however, I have no problems with. The plot is brilliantly crafted with lots of twists and turns that keep me reading. This is definitely not a journey fic, although that may just be bitterness that I had to compete against you in the awards xP

    CHARACTERS: Your characters are very well done. I can't say that I like them all, per se, but they are intriguing, evocative, play out their parts of the story very well. Damien seems to be much more important to the story this time around, and I like him a lot as a character. I feel like he and Gabe should act a little differently around each other given their implied animosity at the beginning of the story. Even with all the things that have happened, you'd think that their sudden friendliness would be a little more awkward and guilt ridden. That's your choice, though. Gabriel is also a good main character, if a little easily distracted and filled with angst. I like your portrayal of his thoughts and emotions, very real. I can't pass judgment on Marissa quite yet, as she has jumped around quite a bit in personality since she was introduced. As was pointed out by someone else, she seems to have changed quite suddenly since her escape. You'd think she would carry more psychological scars. Jenna is top notch. Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into her, but you do a great job portraying how much she relies on having people to love. Very powerful emotionally. I haven't forgotten that she was the closest competition to the only Workshop award I've ever gotten ;P Riley is a great character too, drawing out a different side of Gabriel (which is one of the key purposes of supporting characters in my opinion). I hope we see more of him. Also, I don't know if you were doing this on purpose, but their seems to be some implied... oddness, I guess, about him. Particularly that "hallucination." Weird stuff.

    WRITING: You're very hit and miss in this department. Here and there I'll find grammatical or punctuation errors that are quite jarring and jerk me out of my immersion in the story. Especially the quotation marks in some of the early chapters. You don't have to go fix them, but what was up with that? I'll leave all that up to your beta reader, though. Your ability to evoke emotion through environmental descriptions or mental explanations is an amazing tool that you use to perfection. I love the attention to detail in the parts that are supposed to be visually provocative, but at the same time you don't bore the reader with descriptions of things that don't matter. Dialogue-wise, I wasn't really struck by anything in particular except the bickering between Riley and Gabe, which was quite amusing. The emotional bits had decent dialogue, but it got a little formal at parts (you had the same problem with a lot of Marissa's dialogue). I make that same mistake all the time. We're nerds, it happens. If you'd like I can go back and point out exactly what I mean.

    OVERALL: This story has the ever so uncommon quality of being able to immerse the reader. Even a lot of the fics that I really enjoy lack the ability to draw my attention in and hold it for eleven chapters (and one prologue). I'm glad that it's back and I sincerely hope that you have the fortitude to carry this story through to the end (a rare feat in fanfiction).

    Unpredictable - Fan Fic
    * * * * *
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  11. #101
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    Quote Originally Posted by Stellar Haze View Post
    Well that cliffhanger was expected since I had already figured out that it was his dad xD but overall I liked the chapter cause it finally settled the ties between Gabe and his mother. It was a good way to settle their problems, but I felt like the chapter was a little bit rushed and honestly, I expected more action xD you know since the first part left me hooked and all that.
    Oh, there'll be action, possibly in the next chapter! Thank you! :)

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Finally caught up! I said I'd read and review all of the fics that won awards, so I figured I'd start with this one since you read Unpredictable and I read the first version of this. I'm really tired right now so forgive me if this review is a little weird. If I had the time and energy I'd have gone chapter by chapter, but I hope an overall review is sufficient.
    Man, I feel bad now - you shouldn't have wasted your time on this! :/ But since you're here, let me just say that I truly appreciate the fact you decided to catch up and do this review. I shall do the same for your story, I promise!

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    This was a powerful line. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but this sounds an awful lot like destiny, which Gabe is so opposed to the idea of.
    I think Gabriel is slowly beginning to grasp the concept of destiny but I think he's also just being realistic - so much happened to him so far that it's only natural to him that more trouble is waiting just around the corner.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    As has been mentioned before, I fear that Gabriel's cancer will become forgotten in lieu of the bigger story. The disease is imperative to the setup of the plot, but in the last couple chapters I feel like its been shunted aside. I understand that you can't and shouldn't bring it up every chapter, but I feel like it isn't all that important to the story anymore.
    Then you should be happy to know that the disease will indeed play an important role. The meds Gabriel is taking at the moment are helping but for how long? Is there any other aspect influencing Gabe's disease growth? The disease started off this whole thing and it may seem to be forgotten - but then suddenly, BAM! Everything will change, I promise you that!

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    This is definitely not a journey fic, although that may just be bitterness that I had to compete against you in the awards xP
    Well technically, there is journeying and there will be more traveling for sure, so yes, it's a journey fic. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    I feel like he and Gabe should act a little differently around each other given their implied animosity at the beginning of the story. Even with all the things that have happened, you'd think that their sudden friendliness would be a little more awkward and guilt ridden.
    The relationship between Gabe and Damian was never meant to be full of animosity. The only reason they had their conflict in the first place was because of the way Gabriel treated their mother and Damian couldn't understand that. They were always close but they never really expressed, well, except for the time their father died where Damian hugged Gabe in the flashback. They returned back to their normal relationship and then Gabe's disease struck and the whole Jenna issue ... though I can understand why you'd feel as if it seems forced or all of the sudden. I still have to work on my pacing/character development. :/

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    I can't pass judgment on Marissa quite yet, as she has jumped around quite a bit in personality since she was introduced. As was pointed out by someone else, she seems to have changed quite suddenly since her escape. You'd think she would carry more psychological scars.
    I thought I explained it in recent chapters, but okay. Marissa was actually debating with herself whether she'd go and help out or simply leave and try finding her parents. She was torn but Vulpix decided to help out which is why she went along, Vulpix pushed her over the edge. Similarly, the only reason Marissa entered the Pokémon Center was because of the promise she had made to herself - that she would keep Liv's Vulpix safe.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Also, I don't know if you were doing this on purpose, but their seems to be some implied... oddness, I guess, about him. Particularly that "hallucination." Weird stuff.
    Riley is odd alright, there's more to him than meets the eyes. Same goes for certain other characters, haha.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Here and there I'll find grammatical or punctuation errors that are quite jarring and jerk me out of my immersion in the story. Especially the quotation marks in some of the early chapters. You don't have to go fix them, but what was up with that?
    I honestly have no clue what was up with that. :/

    I'll fix them for sure, though, thanks for bringing my attention to it!

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    I make that same mistake all the time. We're nerds, it happens. If you'd like I can go back and point out exactly what I mean.
    *Nerd brofist!*

    I'd be really grateful if you could point some of these out. ^^

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    OVERALL: This story has the ever so uncommon quality of being able to immerse the reader. Even a lot of the fics that I really enjoy lack the ability to draw my attention in and hold it for eleven chapters (and one prologue). I'm glad that it's back and I sincerely hope that you have the fortitude to carry this story through to the end (a rare feat in fanfiction).
    I'm eternally grateful for this review as I realized how much errors my story really has. Honestly, I knew it before which is why I was so shocked by the fact I won an award. I don't think my story is that good, but I certainly appreciate the compliments as well as the critiques. That's what keeps me writing this story as well forcing me to improve on certain subjects.

    Thank you for your review. Now - onto Unpredictable! ;)

  12. #102
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    Quote war has been declared.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    Man, I feel bad now - you shouldn't have wasted your time on this! :/
    Wasted my time? Nonsense!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    Well technically, there is journeying and there will be more traveling for sure, so yes, it's a journey fic. :P
    At this point, I'm going to disagree. Although there is certainly traveling, Gabe has shown no inclination so far to collect badges, ribbons, memories, stamps, human skulls, or whatever you want, so I'm not sure this fits in to the journey genre. But what do I know? You're the author after all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    I'd be really grateful if you could point some of these out. ^^
    YOU WOULD GIVE ME MORE WORK WHEN I HAVE FIVE MORE FICS TO READ.

    I kid, I kid, here's what I was talking about. Turns out most of what I noticed was actually Liv talking, and that seems to fit her more. Told you I was tired when I read this :P Keep in mind that these are all just my opinions.

    “Are you serious? No, I can’t possibly take her with me?”
    First off, that question mark doesn't need to be there. Second, this is a little wordy. She's surprised and shocked, so sentences should be as short as possible. "Are you serious? No... I couldn't!" would feel better.

    “Mom? Dad? Brother?”
    Again, this is opinion, but I have a brother and I always call him by his name. I've never called him "brother."

    ”Guys, you have to get rid of them! Each and every single one of them! Go!”
    Each and every single one of them? Again, wordy and a little redundant. Just "Every single one of them!" or "All of them!" would feel more natural.

    "I must get to the Pokémon Center,"
    Must? No. You have to get to the Pokemon Center. Teenagers rarely say "must."

    So yeah, those were some of the bits that really stood out in your otherwise very fitting dialogue.

    Unpredictable - Fan Fic
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    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Our Fates Entangled (2) [Chapter XI]

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    At this point, I'm going to disagree. Although there is certainly traveling, Gabe has shown no inclination so far to collect badges, ribbons, memories, stamps, human skulls, or whatever you want, so I'm not sure this fits in to the journey genre. But what do I know? You're the author after all.
    Alright, I contacted one of the mods about this matter and here's what he said:

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama
    Well, no one ever said that badges/ribbons had to be collected. There's not a particularly strict definition.
    Thus, there is no strict definition of a journey fic which means that my story fits the genre as well. Not to mention that there will be gym challenges and appearances of gym leaders though they're not vital to this story.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    So yeah, those were some of the bits that really stood out in your otherwise very fitting dialogue.
    Ah, I see what you mean. Thank you very much!

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    Default Re: Essence of Life - (Chapter XI) - 2nd June

    I read this in two days.

    And I just have to say that it is amazing. :3 The plot is completely original and gripping, the characters are well-developed, it's realistic... (as much as Pokemon can be, anyway :p)

    ...And I'm not very good at reviewing at all, so I'm just going to leave it at that. ^^;

    Could I be tagged?

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    Default Re: Essence of Life - (Chapter XI) - 2nd June

    Quote Originally Posted by Flonne View Post
    ...And I'm not very good at reviewing at all, so I'm just going to leave it at that. ^^;
    You don't have to be very good at reviewing, but read this it'll help.

    COMING SOON!

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