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  1. #31
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life: Broken Wings [Chapter III]

    Quote Originally Posted by Jinoga View Post
    Interesting indeed. Instead of journeying to become "the best" he wants to travel to accomplish something before he died. I like that. The plot so far has yet to fully unfold, but I can guess what might be happening, though I'll be keeping my speculation to myself for now.
    Though that's not all there is to it.

    Gabriel may seem to have received development in these first chapters, but true development has yet to happen. Let me give you a hint; Gabriel thinks he's come to terms with the fact he's going to die. But did he really accept that? And yes, I'd say whatever you have in your mind about the plot right now is probably correct, more or less, that is.

    Next chapter will be COMPLETELY plot-centric. So yeah, I'd say look forward to that! ^^

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    Default Re: Essence of Life: Broken Wings [Chapter III]

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    Though that's not all there is to it.

    Gabriel may seem to have received development in these first chapters, but true development has yet to happen. Let me give you a hint; Gabriel thinks he's come to terms with the fact he's going to die. But did he really accept that? And yes, I'd say whatever you have in your mind about the plot right now is probably correct, more or less, that is.

    Next chapter will be COMPLETELY plot-centric. So yeah, I'd say look forward to that! ^^
    I can't wait! ^^

    COMING SOON!

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    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life: Broken Wings [Chapter III]

    Eh, I'm doing this post just to let you guys know something.

    I have the next chapter ready and while I know where I'm intending to head with the plot, I'm not sure you guys will like the taken direction since I feel it's not too original in my opinion. Incidentally, I'm not too content with the next chapter so I'm thinking about the ways of improving my plot without switching out the core elements of the story. In case I fail to do so, I will post the chapter I had originally planned to post and hope you guys will like it.

    I hope you guys bear with me while I try to figure something out.

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    Default Re: Essence of Life: Broken Wings [Chapter III]

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    Eh, I'm doing this post just to let you guys know something.

    I have the next chapter ready and while I know where I'm intending to head with the plot, I'm not sure you guys will like the taken direction since I feel it's not too original in my opinion. Incidentally, I'm not too content with the next chapter so I'm thinking about the ways of improving my plot without switching out the core elements of the story. In case I fail to do so, I will post the chapter I had originally planned to post and hope you guys will like it.

    I hope you guys bear with me while I try to figure something out.
    Don't worry about it. ;)

    COMING SOON!

  5. #35
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life: Broken Wings [Chapter III]

    Caught up to the story!

    Everything seems to be going great so far. I especially like how well you portray your characters when the story is in Gabriel's perspective. The third person narrative might help, but even without it, any reader would probably get the correct feel of a character, through Gabriel's eyes or not.

    You have just the right amount of mystery for this story without having it overwhelm it, and I look forward to see that unfold. I do get the feeling that is more of a character-centric story so far, but from your comments, there seems to be some plot coming on that will bring together all the characters' story lines, and again, I look forward to that.

    Good job, and keep it up!

  6. #36
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life: Broken Wings [Chapter III]

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuujux View Post
    Caught up to the story!

    Everything seems to be going great so far. I especially like how well you portray your characters when the story is in Gabriel's perspective. The third person narrative might help, but even without it, any reader would probably get the correct feel of a character, through Gabriel's eyes or not.

    You have just the right amount of mystery for this story without having it overwhelm it, and I look forward to see that unfold. I do get the feeling that is more of a character-centric story so far, but from your comments, there seems to be some plot coming on that will bring together all the characters' story lines, and again, I look forward to that.

    Good job, and keep it up!
    Thank you for reading and commenting! I'm glad you like it. :)

    Alright guys, I have made my decision.

    I know where I'm heading with the plot and I know what the next chapter will look like, in fact, it's already in the progress of being written. It will be titled "Miscreation" and it will definitely serve its role as a chapter which will expand the boundaries of the plot I've shown to you up to this point.

  7. #37
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life: Broken Wings [Chapter III]

    Double post, but I guess for a good cause. :p

    Author's Note:
    It's finally ready, I truly hope you guys will like this!

    @Jinoga ; @Cosmos ; @Aura Origin [If anyone wishes to be tagged/untagged, let me know!]


    Chapter IV: Miscreation


    ¤


    Once upon a time there were The Originals.
    Ancestors of the forsaken evolution, cursed beings of the lonely planet.
    Indeed, they were something else.
    Their life would shape the world, it would defy the destiny itself.
    It would define destiny.


    ¤




    The world was always about monsters.

    The lonely, somewhat selfless existence of the being referred to as August was disgusted by it - he always had been. Of course it had always been about the mysterious, apparently unique creatures of which one itself was speculated to have created the universe.

    A God of monsters.

    Nonsense; he would often shiver on his own strange, sometimes almost terrifying thoughts which never seemed to blossom into something prettier, something more beautiful. A monster could have never been a deity; August would often make himself believe his own made up words. They were nothing but what he called them nowadays; monsters. The infinite changes the world was going through forced him to reconsider his thoughts however. Maybe they were more than that, the very concept of their existence - even before times they got along with humans - shaped the planet, it shaped the world leading it towards the slowly corrupting future known as today.

    He was slowly crumbling, his frail body now shutting down.

    But he had found his purpose in the world, a purpose which would refine the world from the impurity he detested. It was always in a human interest to progress, to imagine and create new stuff, to push the boundaries towards the new world.

    A free world.

    And even though August would soon no longer find the peace on this planet, he found the fact that his blood would keep on living comforting. Humans would finally be free from "terror" of the monsters.

    Even if it meant for the former to become a monster itself, a sacrifice had to be made.

    ¤



    Riley Alstrom hated control.

    And once his father made the decision of that the strange boy called Gabriel taking over the role of his guide through the disgusting, maze of the forest named Viridian – he was anything but happy. Many hours had passed since that decision was made but being the passionate boy he was, Riley still couldn’t stand the decision going as far to stay late up at night rebelling against his own mind and wish for sleeping. He couldn't allow a snobby teenager of his own age to make fun of him for being less knowledgeable than him. And he knew Gabriel would use that opportunity, he knew that smartass would try something funny.

    “Oh God,” he exhaled, brutally hitting the soft surface of his bed.

    Riley remained still for a moment taking the time to clear his mind. He calmly stood up, in his similar yet somewhat different clothes from the same day, proceeding to walk across the room. It was a fairly sized room in his opinion, he had seen bigger ones, though he personally preferred smaller rooms as they felt more personal to him, more private in a way. His current room was anything but subtle, something he disliked as the flashiness really wasn't his style. The bright colors and the hideous furniture hurt his eyes though Riley had to accept it, it was all for his sake after all.

    Riley closed the drawer sighing annoyingly; he always had hard time finding his stuff in greater spaces. He proceeded towards opening the bottom drawer; success. He spotted the miniature item - a light blue capsule with the pills within being easily perceptible from the outside.

    He spontaneously placed the amber colored pill in his mouth feeling it disintegrate in a reddish liquid flowing through his mouth.

    As if a whole new personality took over him, he could almost instantly feel the muscles of his body slowly relax. His mind was entirely at peace. Despite still minding the whole situation, he was anger-free and without stress. The tired teenage boy could feel the drowsiness slowly sneak into his mind in a shape of countless, perplexed shadows. His room gradually darkened as the number of shadows multiplied eventually transforming the entire place in a void-like space. The shadows enveloped him and the last thing he could see in front of his eyes, before falling across the wide bed of his, was the shape of a boy much like him; a shape of a twin dispersing across the room.

    Along with the second Riley diminishing, he finally closed his eyes.

    He was at peace.

    ¤



    She was on the loose.

    Upon the moment of explosion, she felt a surge of adrenaline flow through her body. She was invincible, she felt like a beast on her path to ruining, destroying, exterminating anything and anyone. Despite being drenched in blood she didn't feel bad, the blood wasn't hers. The feeling of freedom was powerful and although she paid a high cost, the one of her own sanity, she would finally go back to who she was. D

    Marissa, the girl of long dark brown hair, past her shoulders, suddenly stopped on her track.

    She burst out in tears feeling a rush of complex fusion emotions overwhelm her in a moment of confusion.

    "It isn't fair," she barely let the world leave her mouth. "Mom ... Dad," her remembrance of their faces had faded in the last few years, it was hurtful and yet she couldn't understand why it had to be her. Of all people, why was she the one stripped of her innocence and childhood? Why had the mean people done this to her?

    "But now I'm free," Marissa mumbled standing up on her scratched feet again. Wiping the remaining tears of her face, she found herself admiring her own courage, her strength which surpassed each and every feeling of pain she endured through the whole ordeal. At the end of the day, it wasn't the end of the world, not yet anyway. She was finally going to return home, back to her loving parents.

    "AAAAH!" Inhaling deeply she suddenly screamed in all her power, screaming out all the emotions that made her weak; her pain, her sadness, her suffer. All the emotions that made her a weak human, she had to get rid of them.

    It didn't matter anyway; she had stopped feeling like a true human long time ago.



    ¤

    POV Change - Gabriel


    "Dad?"

    He looked at me with his kind, child-like eyes. It was already midnight and although my journey was awaiting me tomorrow, I could never fall asleep without both him and Mom reading a story to me. He was dressed casually as always, he sat himself next to my bed. I looked at him excitedly as if he hadn't read a bedtime story to me in years.

    "Aren't you a little too old for bedtime stories?" He asked in a caring tone.

    I shook my head in denial. He chuckled prompting me to smile as he grabbed the book from the top of the shelf next to my bed. The title said,"A Hero of Unova". "Mom already read that one to me, take another one," he sighed switching out the books.

    "Maybe I'm too old for bedtime stories too," we both chuckled.

    "The Forgotten Angel", the title said. I couldn't remember that book.

    My father began reading, slowly, in a way only he could read it. It was a soothing story although with time I slowly forgot what it was actually about. Then I realized, dream must have been pulling me in.



    -


    "Gabriel!"

    A loud echo penetrated through my ears, I found myself awakened by the horrible noise. Mom, Dad and Damian were all together in my room for a strange reason. "Gabriel!" She seemed to cry although their faces weren't turned towards me.

    "What's wrong?" I rushed out of the bed only to witness a horrifying sight. I threw up at the spot upon witnessing the sight of a teenage boy, his body was covered in blood with a kitchen knife impaling through his throat. A body of a pale boy, the boy of black hair and green eyes.

    The body of Gabriel Sullivan.

    "Why did he do this?" Mom cried loudly, Damian was crying on my dead, bloody chest.

    All of the sudden, the scenery stopped - everything around me stopped. My father, the only person who didn't seem to cry over the dead body turned in my direction. He slowly turned his head towards me with a serious look on his face.

    "This is all your fault."


    ¤
    POV Change - 3rd Per.



    It was after midnight when he received the news, his butler woke up him in not much great of a mood which only got worsened upon learning of the catastrophic event that took place on the mountains around Pewter. Not even sleep pills worked on him on that night as he felt as if the entire world had suddenly turned against it.

    Truth to be told, it was a minor inconvenience. But it could have become something much, much bigger.

    The final Original was gone.


    ¤
    To Be Continued
    Last edited by Tsutarja; 24th May 2012 at 12:28 PM.

  8. #38
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Miscreation [Chapter IV]

    Ok then... Well let's see, um I must say I didn't really enjoy this chapter like the others, and I'll tell you why in hopes that you will see past this.

    First off is the fact that there were many technical errors here and there (grammer, punctuation)
    And second was the number of times you changed POVs, it was kind of confusing and ruined the whole feel.

    I advise you to get a beta reader and to limit the POV change to at most each chapter.

    COMING SOON!

  9. #39
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Miscreation [Chapter IV]

    Quote Originally Posted by Aura Origin View Post
    First off is the fact that there were many technical errors here and there (grammer, punctuation)
    And second was the number of times you changed POVs, it was kind of confusing and ruined the whole feel.
    Eh, I see. Sorry about that. :/

    Quote Originally Posted by Aura Origin View Post
    I advise you to get a beta reader and to limit the POV change to at most each chapter.
    Will do, though it's kinda hard finding a beta here.

    I'm sorry you didn't like the chapter, I'll do my best next time.

  10. #40
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Miscreation [Chapter IV]

    i just read the rest of the chapters and i must say you have some fantastic imagery.

    but the chapters are a little complicated to understand. i feel like it's inception and i can't look away because then i won't understand the rest :U i think that's just kind of your style and how it's supposed to be. either that or i'm just really fucked in the head and that's how i see things xD.

    the last chapter you posted was... really difficult to figure out. i don't quite get the thing with gabriel and seeing his own dead body and his dad being all creepy. i'm guessing it was some sort of nightmare, but it's weird and surprising. at least there was gore.

    heh, when i read the part about riley taking those pills i was literally like "... l.s.d...?" at the end of the paragraph xD.

    anyway, good work. i'll continue to read more as it comes :3.

  11. #41
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Miscreation [Chapter IV]

    Quote Originally Posted by sA†An View Post
    the last chapter you posted was... really difficult to figure out. i don't quite get the thing with gabriel and seeing his own dead body and his dad being all creepy. i'm guessing it was some sort of nightmare, but it's weird and surprising. at least there was gore.
    It was actually a dream. I guess I should have put italics. :/

    Quote Originally Posted by sA†An View Post
    heh, when i read the part about riley taking those pills i was literally like "... l.s.d...?" at the end of the paragraph xD.
    Haha, not LSD but I can see why you might think that. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by sA†An View Post
    anyway, good work. i'll continue to read more as it comes :3.
    Thank you, I'm glad someone else is reading this too.

  12. #42
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Miscreation [Chapter IV]

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    I'm sorry you didn't like the chapter, I'll do my best next time.
    You don't have to apologize, you don't even have to listen to my advise, as long as you improve.

    It's like @Jinoga 's signature: "Criticism only becomes constructive when its taken into account."

    And btw I'm OK with being your beta reader. So... PM me or something.

    COMING SOON!

  13. #43
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Miscreation [Chapter IV]

    Not much to say about this chapter really. I felt that it was a bit too short compared to the other chapters, but that's about it. There hasn't been any significant changes, which makes me think this chapter is mostly foreshadowing.

  14. #44
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Miscreation [Chapter IV]

    All right, first and foremost. I need you to relax a little. Take a step back and breath a little (metaphorically, of course). Think about the story, what you want to do with it and what you want to accomplish with it. Set your ideas straight. I dunno, I just feel like you're so caught up with RL and the expectations with your story that you're getting confused a little.

    So relax. Read our responses, take them into notice and continue working and keeping them in mind. Do not attempt to shift the story's flow, pacing or anything simply to appease the audience. You're the boss, you call the shots, and we simply read and comment.

    I'm sorry if I'm coming of as patronizing, but I just want to make sure that you don't fall into mistake.

    Now I agree with what the others said. Your POV changes were too many, the story is kinda getting vague and it was a short chapter. You need to maintain suspense but not at the cost of plot pacing or flow, keep that in mind. POV changes in particular should be kept at 2-3 at the most. Keep that in mind. Also, these POV changes need to have more content to make them significant. When you shift POV it has to be for a specific reason.

    Just keep on writing at your own pace and don't worry. :)

  15. #45
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essence of Life - Miscreation [Chapter IV]

    Quote Originally Posted by Jinoga View Post
    All right, first and foremost. I need you to relax a little. Take a step back and breath a little (metaphorically, of course). Think about the story, what you want to do with it and what you want to accomplish with it. Set your ideas straight. I dunno, I just feel like you're so caught up with RL and the expectations with your story that you're getting confused a little.

    So relax. Read our responses, take them into notice and continue working and keeping them in mind. Do not attempt to shift the story's flow, pacing or anything simply to appease the audience. You're the boss, you call the shots, and we simply read and comment.

    I'm sorry if I'm coming of as patronizing, but I just want to make sure that you don't fall into mistake.

    Now I agree with what the others said. Your POV changes were too many, the story is kinda getting vague and it was a short chapter. You to maintain suspense but not at the cost of plot pacing, keep that in mind. POV changes in particular should kept at 2-3 at the most. Keep that in mind. Also, these POV changes need to have more content to make them significant. When you shift POV it has to be for a specific reason.

    Just keep on writing at your own pace and don't worry. :)
    Thank you for your well elaborated advice and criticism.

    Ugh, I can't help but to feel that I've ruined everything by this chapter but I guess not every chapter can be good. Alright, so the number of POV changes needs to stay at minimum and if I do use them, something significant should happen? I think I get it now. I wasn't aware this chapter was so short though, I promise that the next chapter will be much longer.

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