TEEN: The End of Team Rocket
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Thread: The End of Team Rocket

  1. #1
    Registered User CliveKoopa's Avatar
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    Default The End of Team Rocket

    Author's Note: With my last fic discontinued, I am going to start on a different fanfic. This is a fic I have been meaning to try for a long time and had the idea a few years ago. A lot of what I remember is forgotten because I no longer have the paperwork so I'm going to start again with fresh ideas as well some of the ideas what I already still remember.

    The End Of Team Rocket

    Chapter 1
    In the north of Verdanturf Town lived a young man who was very passionate about pokemon. This man was called Ben or to give him his full name, Ben Gallagher.
    Ben was a 25 year old working for the Pokemon Protection Squad or PPS for short. His job was to protect any pokemon from unnecessary harm whatever the circumstances may be. He was writing some notes in his diary when he got a surprise phone call on his works phone. He put down his diary and pen and picked up the phone.

    “Hello?” he called through the phone.

    “Is that Ben Gallagher of the PPS?” a female voice asked in quite a serious tone.

    “Yes. How may I help?” Ben replied.

    “I have some vital information for you. I need to see you right away,” the voice said.

    “Who is this?” Ben asked quite concerned.

    “My name is Fiona, I work for the International Liberation for Pokemon Society. I have had a tipoff from unknown sources with some important information regarding Team Rocket,” the lady replied.

    Ben had heard of that group Fiona mentioned before, he had met with certain members previously on pokemon related jobs.

    “Where are you now? Where do you want us to meet?” Ben asked.

    “Meet me outside Verdanturf Town by the west exit,” Fiona said. “This cannot wait. I am standing at the exit now.”

    “I'll be there,” Ben said and quickly hung up and left his house. He left Verdanturf Town at the location Fiona said to meet her at. He saw her standing by a tree and she walked up to him recognising him straight away even though he didn't recognise her.

    “You must be Ben, I have heard so much about you,” Fiona said. She was in her early 20s with short blueish hair. “As you may have already guessed, I am Fiona. Nice to meet you.”

    “Nice to meet you too. So what's this about Team Rocket?” Ben asked.

    “Lets walk away from here first, I'll tell you when we are a bit deeper in the woods away from everyone,” Fiona replied. They walked for about fifteen minutes until they sat down next to a lake.

    “This is a perfect spot to talk, no people around, just lots of pokemon to look at while I tell you what this is about,” Fiona said. After a brief pause, Fiona spoke.

    “Okay, so one of my spies within Viridian City's Team Rocket's headquarters has gotten back to me. What she has told me greatly disturbed and upset me. Giovanni has gotten more dangerous than we ever could imagine. He has recruited a bunch of more grunts to do his dirty work. Stealing pokemon doesn't seem to be enough now, he is sending his men to kill trainers and word has it that some pokemon have been murdered too.” Fiona said. Ben couldn't believe what he was hearing.

    “Oh my god, they have gone too far. So what do we do? How are we going to stop them?” Ben asked.

    “We need all the help we can get. I asked for your help because I know how good you are at saving pokemon. You love pokemon just as much as I do and that is the kind of people we need, people who care so much about them that they would give their lives to protect those in need,” Fiona said.

    “Indeed. Team Rocket must be destroyed as do all those other teams. But for now, we should focus on Team Rocket first,” Ben replied.

    “Right. They must not get away with this. Team Rocket will cease to exist at the end of this, mark my words,” Fiona warned.

    “I am guessing other groups are already aware also and will be making plans for this also,” Ben said.

    “Oh yeah, its not all entirely secret and some of Team Rocket's crimes have been commited in broad daylight,” Fiona replied.

    “Well we should make a move now. What is the quickest way to get to Viridian City?” Ben asked.

    “We can get a fast train there, it will get us there in a little over three hours,” Fiona replied.

    “Okay, well we should get going now then. Chances are this is going to get really dangerous. Giovanni is probably already making his next move.” Ben said as they both got back up and walked back to Verdanturf Town to make their way to the local train station.

  2. #2
    Less cute in person Beth Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: The End of Team Rocket

    I figured I should get you started on the reviews. Oh, and hey, you're a West Midlands boy too

    Technical Accuracy/Style
    Nothing to complain about as far as your accuracy is concerned. I think you sacrifice an awful lot of description. Although Ben doesn't stay in Verdanturf Town for long, your first chapter is where you try and draw your readers into the story. You can afford to linger over the setting. The office Ben works in would be a good start. You could also elaborate on the location he meets Fiona at. What time of day is it? What pokémon are active? What's the weather like etc

    Story
    The premise looks ok. There's not a lot I can pick up on here, other than that the plot does zip by very quickly. You get a kind of pencil-sketch of the story across very quickly and it does feel a bit rushed

    Characters
    The same applies here. We don't know anything about Fiona or Ben other than their names and jobs. I think that once you slow the plot down a bit and take your time you'll naturally find yourself filling in a bit more about your characters

    Final Thoughts
    Really not a bad start! Just don't be afraid to take your time with your first chapter or two
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


    Pavell's Scribbledegook Week XXXIX: A Question of Trust

  3. #3
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: The End of Team Rocket

    After reading over this, I think as an introductory chapter you set things up enough but this does have the feeling of being very rushed over and like Pavell said you sacrifice a lot of detail. I am not going to lock this yet, but I think if you intend on continuing then you should go back and touch up the first chapter; who is Ben, what does he look like, what does Fiona look like, how they do both feel about what is happening? There is a lot of background details missing and personal touches that would really make this interesting idea grow more. I will highly recommend looking at the Writer's Academy and all those lessons over in the Written Word and get some ideas on how to improve before you venture any further.

  4. #4
    Future Mrs. Ketchum SerenaKetchum's Avatar
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    Default Re: The End of Team Rocket

    I think it's a nice beginning! A lot of preparation and thought clearly went into this, so kudos! I do agree that you might want to add a bit more imagery and details to the story.

  5. #5
    Registered User CliveKoopa's Avatar
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    Default Re: The End of Team Rocket

    Thank you for the feedback guys? What kind of background info should I include, AceTrainer? What other advice do you think I could do to improve this?

  6. #6
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: The End of Team Rocket

    Quote Originally Posted by CliveKoopa View Post
    Thank you for the feedback guys? What kind of background info should I include, AceTrainer? What other advice do you think I could do to improve this?
    Well, we are essentially only given two sentences about Ben before you launch into the story. It is up to you to decide what Ben's background is, but you I think a description of what he looks like what actually be quite appropriate. I would recommend reading through some of the stories on this site and having a look at their introductory chapters; pop into the Archive, go to the Hall of Fame and scroll down and look at the banners of all the winners. Pick some of those stories to read and you will get a good idea of what you should be including in a story like this. The big thing is that you do not need to rush into your main plot, you could have saved him meeting Fiona for three chapters or something; most readers, especially ones on here, want to know about your world and your characters and your setting, they don't just want a plot that gets sped through.

  7. #7
    Registered User CliveKoopa's Avatar
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    Default Re: The End of Team Rocket

    Okay cool. Do you think I should start again or is it too late now?

  8. #8
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: The End of Team Rocket

    Yes, start again; rework the chapter, make it as long as you need it to be, do not think you need to rush the storyline along, just read some other work, get an idea and come back and rework it as best as you can.

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