Emerald, Ruby and Sapphire Story Chapter 1 (would love feedback and tips)

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Thread: Emerald, Ruby and Sapphire Story Chapter 1 (would love feedback and tips)

  1. #1
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    Default Emerald, Ruby and Sapphire Story Chapter 1 (would love feedback and tips)

    Chapter 1: A Journey Begins

    It’s a dark, late night and Sapphire lays in bed listening to his snoring brother Ruby and watching the Volbeat and Illumise playfully dancing in the starry horizon. His eyelids grow heavy and he is about to surrender to the slumber. All of a sudden, faintly off in the distance, Sapphire hears the sound of breaking glass. He immediately sits up, wondering if what he heard was a mind trick or reality. Just as he begins to dismiss it as a wild pokemon, he hears more glass breaking. He slowly gets up, removes the covers, and creeps to the window to take a peek. Down the street he sees a faint light coming out of one of the windows in Professor Birch’s Lab. He creeps over to Ruby’s bed and nudges him.


    “Ruby, Wake Up I think someone is trying to break into Professor Birch’s Lab” whispered Sapphire.

    “Hu.. Wh.. What?” said Ruby in a slurred, half-asleep tone.

    “Someone is trying to break into Professor Birch’s Lab, I heard glass breaking and there is a light in one of the windows, we have to do something” said Sapphire.

    “Your right,” said Ruby opening his eyes, “Let’s go.”


    The two brothers creep out of bed and out onto the dirt road. They jog over to the laboratory and when they get close,they creep over to the side of the building where they see a shattered window. Sapphire decides to lift Ruby up to the window so he can see what’s going on inside.


    “Ruby, What is going on in there? What do you see?” Sapphire asked.

    “There’s someone in a cape huddled over the Incubator for the starter pokemon” said Ruby veering his head around.

    “Well what else can you see?” Sapphire replied.


    Ruby turns around, but all of sudden his hands slip from the window sill and he falls into the lab. Sapphire tries to grab his leg but ends up going down with him. The two fall through the window slamming into a bunch of lab equipment causing the caped thief to turn around.


    “Who the hell are you two? And how did you get in in here?” said the green haired boy.

    “We are Ruby and Sapphire” said Ruby, stumbling to get up, “The real question is who are you and what are you doing?”

    “They call me Emerald, and I’m getting me a pokemon, and no amateurs are going to stop me”


    Emerald grabs a poke ball from an incubator and whips around sending out a green gecko pokemon. Emerald tells it to do a pound attack and Sapphire jumps in front of Ruby to take the attack, sending him flying into a lab table sending the remaining two poke balls flying across the room. Ruby grabs one out of mid-air and unleashes a orange bird pokemon.


    “Use…Uh…Use..peck?” says Ruby not sure what moves the pokemon has.

    The pokemon rears back and begins to run full force at the lizard. However the lizard dodges it and Emerald tells it to hit the sprinkler on the roof with its tail. The bird pokemon is pelted with water and wobbly faints to the ground. Meanwhile, Sapphire reaches out and grabs the other poke ball rolling across the floor. He lets out a blue amphibian pokemon and cuts off Emerald right in front of the exit. Emerald tells the reptile to use absorb and the amphibian immediately faints.


    “I told you!, you two bumbling idiots can’t handle Emerald, I will be the greatest trainer the world will ever seen!” shouted Emerald as he bolts out the door.

    Ruby and Sapphire grab there poke balls and rush out the door toward Oldale Town, vowing to defeat Emerald once and for all.

    To be continued…

    I would love to receive any feedback you guys have regarding the first chapter of my Emerald, Ruby, and Sapphire Adventure. I would love to get some ideas of what pokemon each character should catch first, I have ideas for what they should catch later but I would like your guys opinion about what each of them should catch first. I would also like Emerald to steal another pokemon later in the game at the Mauville Game Corner, however the don’t offer any pokemon in the videogame so I would like your ideas as to which pokemon the Game Corner should offer. Thanks for reading and please answer my questions! They will really help me advance the story!

  2. #2
    II.5 Eradia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Emerald, Ruby and Sapphire Story Chapter 1 (would love feedback and tips)

    Your main problem here, is the tense in which it's written.

    "Emerald grabs a poke ball from an incubator" would sound better as "Emerald grabbed a poke ball from an incubator".

    "says Ruby not sure what moves the pokemon has" would be "said Ruby, not sure what moves the pokemon has".

    That is my main gripe with this. It'll most likely flow better once you change that. Other than that, it's not a bad start to your story.

    And "vowing to defeat Emerald once and for all" sounds a little... final for the first chapter, no? =P

    As for your first catch query? I'd say take a look on Bulbapedia and see what Pokemon are available on the routes surrounding Oldale & Petalburg. That's probably where you will find some realistic ideas. Also take into account what Ruby, Sapphire & Emerald are like as characters. Will the Pokemon you're planning to give them match their personality? Another tip would be to not catch too many Pokemon. A small team of developed Pokemon with their own unique personalities (Ash's Charizard, May's Skitty & Dawn's Togekiss being fine examples) is much more interesting to read about than a full team of Pokemon whose only purpose is get called out for battles.

    About the Mauville game corner, a good idea would be to look up what the Celadon & Goldenrod game corners have offered in the past.

    I provided Hyperlinks for Routes 101 & 102, and also for the Celadon & Goldenrod game corners. I hope all that helps.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kayde View Post
    "OH HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BELL! IT'S SMALL AND CUTE AND HAS A FUCKING RIBBON ON IT'S FUCKING HEAD! BACK THIS PARTY VAN UP! I GOTTA CATCH THAT SHIT!!"

  3. #3
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Emerald, Ruby and Sapphire Story Chapter 1 (would love feedback and tips)

    The Writer's Block subforum is only for discussion relating to writing.

    Stories should go in the main Writer's Workshop. I have moved this thread for you, please be aware of this in the future.

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