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  1. #1
    Registered User Venya's Avatar
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    Default Dragon Breeze Legend!

    So I know I'm not very good at writing but I enjoy it enough to share. >_< At least this story anyways. not often I share my stories so this is a rare thing. This is Dragon Breeze Legend! I'm not good with names I'm afraid. ^_^;

    Also I know There are many things wrong with it. But please understand I'v never taken a class or anything on editing or writing for that matter. All I know is that I put words down in a certain order and it becomes a story. So I'm sorry it really sucks.

    Also if I get even one comment then I'll put up chapter two.


    Dragon Breeze Legend Chapter 1!


    "Oh and the charizard is down!" a announcer says on the Tv. I giggle so happy to watch the battle between Charizard and Gangar. The Gangar being a higher level its hard to even touch it. "is it? it is! The Charizard is getting up!" the announcer says so happy making the game seem to so awesome.

    "come on!" I say moving my black hair out of the way of my green eyes. I watch this fight from 9pm, its almost 12 now. I'm just so excited!

    "Young lady!!" I hear yelling at my door. My mother pouting at the door. "Sol Neomi you need to go to bed! Its late." She growls. My mother, She cares for me and wants me to be up bright and early in the morning.

    "But mom! I want to watch this!"

    "Sorry honey but if you want to make the ceremony tomorrow then you need sleep. Now get ready for bed! should have been asleep hours ago." she says leaving with that. I sigh turning off the TV and smiling. The ceremony. I'm so excited really. Of course I go to bed just barely able to sleep. I manage some how.

    Dodrio sings it morning song in perfect harmony. Waking up everyone early including me. I stretch my arms out smiling so happily. its 6 now and I know the 4 hours of sleep I got is totally worth it. I get dressed in my official clothing. black shirt with a Dark red vest. A fire signature in the left of the vest bright red of course to pop out more. I get my cargo pants on and get my belt on. the belt is a little heavy but that's the point. I start to think of where the badges could go. I wonder if I should just put them on my belt... no that's to obvious. maybe inside my vest. Who knows I'll think of it later. "Honey! Come on."

    "Coming!" I giggle grabbing my bag. I've had it ready for days. Except for the food of course. I come down and see she has bags of food for me. "thanks." I giggle and put my bag down. I pack the food she got me and I'm so excited I almost squished it down. I chuckle nervously. "Thanks mom!"

    "Bye honey, I'll see you there."

    "bye!" I run out the door as fast as I can. forgetting to have breakfest. I'm just so excited! I run all the way to a large building. There are banners up and everything. People everywhere. There are no kids except for me and two others. Their is a young man with short bowl cut hair. He looks like a nerd to me but he seems like he's really knowledgeable as well. There is another girl as well with long brown hair and blue eyes. Wearing what looks very pretty and very expensive on her. "She's spoiled." Sol says under her breath. Soon people around us start to cheer. I almost jump with joy seeing a brown short haired man with a lab coat on. the man puts his hands up calming down the crowd.

    "Hello! and welcome! today is a special day for three trainers start there journey to make the name of this fine town of Dragon Breeze." Everyone cheers including the girl. the boy and me just stand there smiling. I can smell the food thats been prepared by many of these people. The man chuckles trying to calm everyone down again. "Lets get them there pokemon."

    "Yes!" I cheer as the three of us come out of the crowd. The man chuckles and nods. Us three follow him. He has us stand around a podium. There are three poke-balls.

    "Hello, I am..."

    "Professor Chase." The male trainer says. "You study pokemon and we three have passed the pokemon trainer test at school. we had the highest score."

    Professor Chase clears his throat in agitation. "Yes. well I see you have done your homework."

    "yes sir."

    "Now, I know that you three are excited but I want this to be as fair as possible. Have you guys decided on what pokemon you want?"

    "yes!" all three of us say. Professor chase chuckles and opens the top. We look at the pokeball's in awe.

    "I'm afraid the oldest goes first. So Jerry you first." its the man. How old is he? I gulp thinking He's going to take the one I want. He grabs the leaf pokemon though. I sigh as I am next. I grab the fire pokemon. I hold it close to me as the girl grabs the water pokemon. Professor Chase goes to a drawer and takes out three boxes. "Now, these are brand new. This has everything you need to get started." he says handing each of us a small box. I know what it is.

    "Can we open them?" I ask. he nods and I practically rip it open. A red dex and some small pokeballs. I smile so happily along with the other two. I get my poke-balls into my pack and notice we have one peice of candy. "whats this?" I ask about to open it.

    "A rare candy. I wouldn't open it yet. You only get one to start out with." professor says walking aorund us and to the front door. "now, go have fun with your new pokemon." we all nod and start to walk out. "And good luck!"

    "thanks professor!" I yell waving as the other just scoff at me and walk by. He chuckles and waves back. I run down with the other two and just look at my new pokeball with the fire sticker on it. I touch it still in awe over it. We come to the crowd as they split up. I notice my mother standing i the background. SHe looks sad but proud of me. I know this is hard for any parent but I'm so glad I passed. I studied for weeks for that test. I know allot of other people did too but I guess I was one of the few on top. I chuckle nervously as everyone congratulates me and shakes my hand and everything. I manage to get my pokeball into my ball pouch on my belt. I smile and try my best to get through. I run to mother as she sets down her part of the food. "Mom!" I giggle. She smiles and we hug.

    "Hey baby, what pokemon did you get?"

    "I got cyndaquil. The one I wanted." I smile.

    "That's great honey."

    "hey!" Jerry comes to me with a growling look. "come on." he shows off his poke-ball and I know what he wants. I smile getting my only pokeball with a pokemon in it. "Ladies first." he smiles. I chuckle and throw it up in the air.
    No matter what age, pokemon will be there.

  2. #2
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dragon Breeze Legend!

    So far, it seems like the typical start of a journey story, but most of them are like that. But if we get to the technicals, I suggest that you proof read the chapter; there are words missing, some capitalisation issues, and a lot of missing description. For some reason, I suspect that you went over the introduction to the story more than you did the actual story.

    But aside from that, Sol does seem like the excitable protagonist, but she is the only one who has had her character defined. We don't know the other girl's name, nor do we have any clue as to who Jerry really is. I suggest that you try to flesh these characters more.

    Finally, I think the best that you can do is read more, and concentrate on the grammar of those stories, and try to implement them into your own story. Proof reading will also help immensely.

  3. #3
    Registered User Venya's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dragon Breeze Legend!

    Well the girl is not really a character but I wanted there to be three. Jerry is more of a character then the girl. that's why, I really didn't care for her. in fact she may just be one of the few that gave up.

    Also yeah I really need to more practice or read more books then comics.




    Chapter two!


    "Cyndaquil! come on out. Meet your new trainer." the pokeball hits the ground bouncing back up. a flash of light comes out in form. A blue and cream colored pokemon comes out.

    "Quil!" it says blasting fire out its back. It looks around wondering whats going on.

    "Cyndaquil!" I cheer getting my dex out. IT looks at me and I can see the gender just as my dex turns on for the first time. it shows the pokemon in pixel form.

    "cyndaquil, male, it has a timid nature. If it is startled, the flames on its back burn more vigorously." the dex says in a computer like voice. Cyndaquil jumps up and then down again and runs toward me.

    "Cyndaquil were going to battle." I point at Jerry. He chuckles as I look back at my dex. Its showing the attacks this one knows of so far. Tackle, Leer and smokescreen. Good the smokescreen will come in handy. I chuckle as he takes out his pokemon. The pokeball doing the same thing cyndaquil seems calm. His fire is not fully flamed and he even seems to be cleaning himself. I chuckle thinking its cute. He looks at the new pokemon now out.

    A Chikorita. IT looks like its ready to battle.

    "This pokemon uses the leaf on its head to determine the temperature and humidity." the dex says out load giving a pic of the pokemon as well. I push a button and go back to my pokemon.

    "Cyndaquil get ready!" I chuckle as Jerry just smile.

    "Like I said, ladies first." he smiles. I growl not liking this already.

    "Cyndaquil use tackle!" Cyndaquils flame seems brighter for a mere moment and he starts to run head first into Chikorita. Chikorita just jumps up and on the other side of Cyndaquil as he slides to stop.

    "Try a tackle!" Jerry says trying to be calm. His own dex is out only a green color. Mine is purple. Chikorita does the same.

    "Jump Cyndaquil and use smokescreen!" I yell trying not to push buttons on my dex.He jumps and a small ball comes out of its mouth, as it lands smoke starts to go everywhere. Chokirita looks around in a panic as the smoke goes around it. I chuckle as the smoke already starts to disappear. Cyndaquil lands gracefully. "Tackle!" I yell as chikorita wonders where he is. Cyndaquil see's a glimpse of green and charges. this time getting her in one blow. Chikorita goes flying into the air and I notice a flash of red light going around the pokemon. He returned the pokemon to her ball. "What are you doing?! we just started."

    "No, we just finished. That was a good tactic but I don't want my pokemon...." We hear a loud cheer behind us. people were watching us fight. They interrupted him and some go to me while others go to him saying congrats to me and saying that I'll be the one to give them there name out there. I chuckle nervously as Jerry just stands there with a grim look. I sigh trying to see Cyndaquil. I have yet to return him. I growl as I am pushed to much.

    "Cyndaquil use smokescreen!" I said out loudly ducking down to the ground. I can hear a small pop and see that the smoke is coming. Everyone starts to cough and I crawl on the ground seeing cyndaquil a little hurt. they must have accedently kicked him. He is small. I sigh and return him. I get out of the smoke and see that the other trainers are already leaving. I sigh and go to the professor who looked very disdained at me. "Don't look at me like that I just saved my pokemon from a crowd."

    "Yeah I guess so. but you need to be more careful though."

    "I know I'm sorry. Can I get my pokemon healed though before I leave?"

    "Sure." he smiles.

    I get my pokemon healed within minutes. By now the crowd has died down and just celebrating on there own. I know mother will be fine. I take the back way just in case. I walk a few hundred feet before I already start getting lonely. But I know I'm not truly. I giggle looking at the pokeball with Cyndaquil in it. "come on out Cyndaquil." I say softly and throw the pokeball in the air. Cyndaquil comes out and the ball comes back to my hand easily. Cyndaquil shakes a little and looks around. "Hey." I say kneeling down and putting my hand out. He sniffs it gently and squeals happily. "I'm glad your okay. I didn't mean for those people to run you over like that." He lets me pet him gently on the head. He must not be scared since his flames are not out. "oh your so cute! your going to be awesome when you evolve!" I say picking him up and holding him gently. I put him down and we start to walk. He follows like a good pokemon. "Oh this is going to be awesome! I know it. Were going to meet new friends and be the strongest along the way." she says feeling like she is bragging. "Heh sorry I don't mean to go on." she says looking down. Cyndaquil seems more interested in whats around him. "Come on!" I say and start to run. He needs exercise so I figure we do it together. We need to be strong right away. We got lucky once but who knows it might not happen again.
    No matter what age, pokemon will be there.

  4. #4
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dragon Breeze Legend!

    You don't have to take time out to read a few books and learn the grammar; that would be a bit of a far demand considering this is fan work, like almost everything else that is done in the Workshop. So, I just noted all the mistakes I could spot with '( )', and their corrections in '[ ]'; I hope that helps. Repeated mistakes will only have the correction. These will be mostly aesthetic ones that I can find; just to make the story more presentable; please don't hesitate to ask if you want me to explain why I thought something was a mistake.

    Quote Originally Posted by Venya View Post
    Chapter two!


    "Cyndaquil! (come) [Come] on out. Meet your new trainer(.)[,]" the (pokeball) [Poké Ball] hits the ground[,] bouncing back up. (a) [A] flash of light comes out in form. A blue and cream colored (pokemon) Pokémon comes out.

    "Quil!" it says blasting fire out (of) its back. It looks around wondering whats going on.

    "Cyndaquil!" I cheer getting my dex out.( IT) [It] looks at me and I can see the gender just as my dex turns on for the first time.( it) [It] shows the pokemon in pixel form.

    "(cyndaquil) [Cyndaquil], male, it has a timid nature. If it is startled, the flames on its back burn more vigorously(.)[,]" the dex says in a computer like voice. Cyndaquil jumps up and then down again and runs toward me.

    "Cyndaquil (were) [was] going to battle(.)[,]" I point at Jerry. He chuckles as I look back at my dex. Its showing the attacks this one knows of so far. Tackle, Leer and smokescreen. Good the smokescreen will come in handy. I chuckle as he takes out his [Pokémon]. The [Poké Ball] doing the same thing[.] [Cyndaquil] seems calm. His fire is not fully flamed and he even seems to be cleaning himself. I chuckle thinking its cute. He looks at the new pokemon now out.

    A Chikorita. [It] looks like (its) [it's] ready to battle.

    "This pokemon uses the leaf on its head to determine the temperature and humidity[,]" the dex says out (load) [loud] giving a pic of the [Pokémon] as well. I push a button and go back to my [Pokémon].

    "Cyndaquil[,] get ready!" I chuckle as Jerry just smile.

    "Like I said, ladies first[,]" he smiles. I growl[,] not liking this already.

    "Cyndaquil[,] use tackle!" Cyndaquils flame seems brighter for a mere moment and he starts to run head first into Chikorita. Chikorita just jumps up and on the other side of Cyndaquil as he slides to stop.

    "Try a tackle!" Jerry says trying to be calm. His own dex is (out) only a green color. Mine is purple. Chikorita does the same.

    "Jump[,] Cyndaquil[,] and use smokescreen!" I yell trying not to push buttons on my dex.He jumps and a small ball comes out of its mouth, as it lands smoke starts to go everywhere. Chokirita looks around in a panic as the smoke goes around it. I chuckle as the smoke already starts to disappear. Cyndaquil lands gracefully. "Tackle!" I yell as (chikorita) [Chikorita] wonders where he is. Cyndaquil see(')s a glimpse of green and charges. (this) [This] time getting her in one blow. Chikorita goes flying into the air and I notice a flash of red light going around the [Pokémon]. He returned the [Pokémon] to her ball. "What are you doing?! we just started."

    "No, we just finished. That was a good tactic but I don't want my [Pokémon]...." We hear a loud cheer behind us. [P]eople were watching us fight. They interrupted him and some go to me while others go to him saying congrats to me and saying that I'll be the one to (give them there) [get their] name out there. I chuckle nervously as Jerry just stands there with a grim look. I sigh trying to see Cyndaquil. I have yet to return him. I growl as I am pushed (to) [too] much.

    "Cyndaquil[,] use smokescreen!" I said out loudly ducking down to the ground. I can hear a small pop and see that the smoke is coming. Everyone starts to cough and I crawl on the ground seeing [Cyndaquil] a little hurt. [T]hey must have accedently kicked him. He is small. I sigh and return him. I get out of the smoke and see that the other trainers are already leaving. I sigh and go to the professor who looked very disdained at me. "Don't look at me like that I just saved my [Pokémon] from a crowd."

    "Yeah I guess so[,] but you need to be more careful though."

    "I know I'm sorry. Can I get my [Pokémon] healed though before I leave?"

    "Sure[,]" he smiles.

    I get my pokemon healed within minutes. By now the crowd has died down and just celebrating on [their] own. I know mother will be fine. I take the back way just in case. I walk a few hundred feet before I already start getting lonely. But I know I'm not truly. I giggle looking at the [Poké Ball] with Cyndaquil in it.

    [Spacing out the description and the dialogue.]"[C]ome on out[,] Cyndaquil[,]" I say softly and throw the [Poké Ball] in the air.( )[ ]Cyndaquil comes out and the ball comes back to my hand easily. Cyndaquil shakes a little and looks around.

    "Hey[,]" I say kneeling down and putting my hand out. He sniffs it gently and squeals happily. "I'm glad (your) [you're] okay. I didn't mean for those people to run you over like that." He lets me pet him gently on the head. He must not be scared since his flames are not out. "[O]h you['re] so cute! [You're] going to be awesome when you evolve!" I say picking him up and holding him gently. I put him down and we start to walk. He follows like a good [Pokémon].

    "Oh this is going to be awesome! I know it. We[']re going to meet new friends and be the strongest along the way[,]" she says feeling like she is bragging. "Heh sorry I don't mean to go on." [S]he says looking down. Cyndaquil seems more interested in what[']s around him.

    "Come on!" I say and start to run. He needs exercise so I figure we do it together. We need to be strong right away. We got lucky once but who knows it might not happen again.
    There was a sudden change in perspective in the paragraph before the last one, and the main character is a 'she', not 'I' in that one. But anyway, again, feel free to ask me about anything that you don't understand in any correction. There are some that I left, but those are less direct than these ones, so we'll just start easy for now.

  5. #5
    Registered User Venya's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dragon Breeze Legend!

    I can't do the E thing. I don't know how. so Pokemon will have to do for now.
    No matter what age, pokemon will be there.

  6. #6
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dragon Breeze Legend!

    Quote Originally Posted by Venya View Post
    I can't do the E thing. I don't know how. so Pokemon will have to do for now.
    That's fine; it's just easier for me because I have a Mac.

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