Don't fall asleep...
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  1. #1

    Default Don't fall asleep...

    Chapter 1-Dreams
    Who am I?Where am I?The last thing i remember is defeating the champio-"Hello."said a strange voice."I heard you may be dropping by,i have been watching you for a very long time now...the others are waiting.""What others?"I asked,but the shadowy figure disappeared into the darkness.Lights came on.In the corner,i noticed a large group of people,most of which were asleep.I walked,tried talking but no-one responded."Whats wrong?"I asked for about the 5th time."H-H-Hy-"the woman talking fell asleep."I CONTROL YOU NOW!!!" Shouted the voice."Who was that?"I asked."Can't say."The guy replied."He is watching.""Er...ok?"I said.The voice started to speak again."Hello,I have finally found you all.Now,those of you who are awake,im sure you want out how to escape.Its easy.All you have to do is over come obstacles in each room of this building.But in every room,at least one person MUST DIE!Any questions?""Y-yes."I said."Why are these people sleeping?""Because" said the voice"I feast on their nightmares,so they shall never wake up!MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

  2. #2
    Sentinal of Anistar Ryuutakeshi's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: Don't fall asleep...

    moving to workshop

  3. #3
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Don't fall asleep...

    The stuff in this story happened a little too quickly. Also, your text is blocky.

    Consider getting a beta reader.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Don't fall asleep...

    um...the spelling was good. I agree with the above.

  5. #5
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Don't fall asleep...

    Actually, I feel sorry for giving such a callous and terse review. Let's try again.

    The first thing you'll need to fix is the spacing errors. Somehow, the program you were using to edit stripped all the spacing beside a punctuation mark. So question marks need a space after them, quotation marks too, and you need some proper paragraphs.

    Who am I?Where am I?The last thing i remember is defeating the champio-
    A little quick there, aren't you? Describe the surroundings that the champion-defeater arrived in or something, but don't have him get cut off that quickly, especially at the beginning. It feels like you're in the middle of some other scene.

    "H-H-Hy-"the woman talking fell asleep."I CONTROL YOU NOW!!!" Shouted the voice."Who was that?"I asked."Can't say."The guy replied."He is watching.""Er...ok?"I said.
    My head is spinning trying to decipher this @_@

    Too many things aren't being described. You might have a good picture of what's going on in your head given just these words, but we don't know what that is.

    You'll have to slow it down a bit, if you want it to really make sense.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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