Diamond's Turn (Fanfiction)

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  1. #1
    Ohmygod They Killed Kenny Cartmanland's Avatar
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    Default Diamond's Turn (Fanfiction)

    Chapter One

    The day was July 2nd 2010. A day to go down in history.
    Diamond walked into a large arena and as he walked, the crowd let out thunderous applause. Diamond turned to face the champion Cynthia herself.

    "This will be a one on one battle!" The referee called. "When your Pokemon is knocked out, your opponet is the victor. May the best trainer win!"

    Cynthia tossed a pokeball into the air and her legendary Garchomp came out. Every trainer in Sinnoh feared Cynthia's Garchomp. They would always come so close to beating her and then she'd completely blow them away with her Garchomp. Garchomp was definitely a trainer's nightmare.

    But Diamond was not afraid as he stared down the Garchomp. He had come so far to reach Cynthia and he was not going to redo everything. Diamond confidently smirked and sent out a Blastoise.

    "Blastoise use Ice Beam!" As his Blastoise let out a powerful trail of ice from his mouth, Diamond watched as Garchomp raised her arms to defend herself. But her efforts were futile and within seconds, Garchomp was just a big block of ice.

    "We have a new Sinnoh League Champion, ladies and gentlemen! Our new champion is Diamond from Twinleaf Town!"

    The crowd cheered and applauded Diamond's victory.


    "Yeah, and then I'd ask Platinum on a date and she'd completely swoon over me." Diamond muttered in his sleep, drooling on his pillow.

    Diamond's alarm clock abruptly went off. Diamond quickly got out of bed and rushed to put a pair of clothes on. Diamond quickly went through his drawers and found an old shirt with a gumdrop stuck on it. Diamond quickly tore off the gumdrop and pulled the shirt over his head. He quickly found a pair of jeans that he had outgrown and struggled to put them on.

    As Diamond struggled with his jeans, his mother walked by and said "Diamond, you're going to be late! Just put on another pair!"

    "I can't!" Diamond whined. "I need to get my pokemon!"

    Diamond rushed outside but as he did, his pants kept slipping. Grasping tightly onto his pants, he went over to Platinum's house.

    "What am I gonna say? 'Hi Platinum'? 'Platinum, how are you today?' Oh I don't know." Diamond blushed.

    At that moment, Diamond became distracted with his thoughts of Platinum and let go of his pants. Platinum opened the door and his pants completely dropped.

    "Platinum!" Diamond exclaimed. But then he quickly followed her gaze. "Um, I can explain..."
    I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant, it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.

    -Pokemon: The First Movie

  2. #2
    Le Choléra Jabberwocky's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Diamond's Turn (Fanfiction)

    I don't think you need to label the story fanfiction, as this is the fanfiction section


    As for the story itself: it's really too short. An opening chapter needs to be of moderate length if you want your readers to get a feel for your characters and the setting.

    That's not to say the story isn't intriguing; indeed, I will be keeping an eye on this story. Your grammar and spelling are good, which is a plus. Just make your chapters a bit longer in the future is the only real advice i have for you.

  3. #3
    Ohmygod They Killed Kenny Cartmanland's Avatar
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    Default Re: Diamond's Turn (Fanfiction)

    Chapter Two

    Platinum had been fast asleep when her mother woke her up, so she could receive her first pokemon from Professor Rowan. As Platinum finishing tying her scarf around her neck, she heard talking coming from outside of her house. Platinum had opened the door to find her annoying neighbour, Diamond, talking to himself. And to Platinum's horror, Diamond's pants dropped.

    "DIAMOND!" Platinum shrieked. "What did I tell you about hanging outside my house!?"

    "Sorry!" Diamond apologized frantically and quickly ran back to his house, grasping tightly at his pants.

    Ten Minutes Later...

    Diamond had finally changed into a pair of pants that fit him. Diamond made his way over to Sandgem Town.

    Meanwhile...

    Professor Rowan paced around his lab, glancing at his three starter pokemon that were to be given out later on. Piplup, the Water Penguin, Turtwig the Grass Turtle and Chimchar the Fire Chimp.

    Rowan's Lab Assitant was carrying a capsule that contained an Armor Fossil, that he planned to examine later on. Unforunately, the lab assistant tripped and the capsule broke. Chimchar, the mischevious of the three starters, escaped from the lab.

    Meanwhile...
    Diamond had finally reached Twinleaf Town. "Diamond from Twinleaf Town has taken his first step to becoming world champion." Diamond muttered to himself.

    Suddenly, a Bidoof jumped at Diamond.

    "WHOA!" Diamond exclaimed. "Oh..its just a stupid Bidoof." Diamond bent down to stroke the Bidoof and the Bidoof tackled Diamond in the stomach.

    "OW!" Diamond grasped at his stomach. The Bidoof was positioning himself to attack him again. "Don't!" Diamond pleaded.

    From behind, the Bidoof was struck by an Ember attack.

    "What was that?" Diamond asked. A Chimchar stepped forward and showed itself to Diamond.
    I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant, it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.

    -Pokemon: The First Movie

  4. #4
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Diamond's Turn (Fanfiction)

    The story in itself is good, but your chapters need to be a longer, as for the grammar it's descent. Also when you're writing a fic and you're going to jump time don't put meanwhile or ten minutes later alone, instead of putting them in their own paragraph put them with the paragraph that comes next. Also you need more description of the surroundings and the characters you didn't even described Diamond or Platinum, even if the reader already knows how they look like it's good to describe it anyways.

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