TEEN: Darkness before Dawn (3)

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 25

Thread: Darkness before Dawn (3)

  1. #1
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Does it matter?
    Posts
    465
    Blog Entries
    4

    Default Darkness before Dawn (3)

    This a new story I've been working on for sometime. It took me sometime to get a plotline and characters worked out. Now I do plan on making a sequel depending on my status at the time and how much feedback I get. I'll cross that bridge when I get there though.

    The idea sorta hit me while playing Black Version a while ago. I'm not sure if anyone has done this yet, but I'm sure that its plot and characters will set it apart. I ask that anyone reading this to have the patience to follow this story through.

    Its been a long time since I've written again, so bear with me please. So, without further ado, I present to you... the prologue!
    ------------------------------------------
    Darkness Before Dawn

    Prologue
    Book One: Nightfall
    Chapter One: Malin
    Chapter Two: Discoveries
    Chapter Three: Not Worthy of Mercy
    -------------------------------------------

    Prologue

    “Emolga, use Electro ball!” A young boy called to his pokemon, he pointed at another pokemon at the other side of the battlefield.

    The boy was eleven and was fairly tall for his age. He was dressed casually; he wore a pair of faded blue jeans and a green shirt. His hair was jet black, and his eyes were a deep shade of blue, shining like the sea. Like the sea, the boy’s eyes were mysterious; as if they were hiding untold secrets in those ominous depths of blue. The jeans were ripped and torn at the ends and had faded grass stains all over it, at his belt hung three pokeballs. All of this was evidence of a pokemon trainer and one who had experience at that.

    At his order, the electric squirrel pokemon charged a ball of electricity and hurled it at its foe, a Scraggy. The ball of electricity collided with the Scraggy which simply fell to the ground in a heap, unable to withstand the power of the attack.

    “I believe I win,” The trainer declared, a victorious smirk on his face.

    The other trainer returned his pokemon. “That was a good battle,” He stepped forward to hand the victor his winnings. “Here, this is yours.”

    The boy counted his money quickly, a gleeful look in his eyes, “Nice doin’ business with ya!” He turned and began to walk away, his Emolga gliding alongside him.

    Route 4 in Unova turned out to be an uneventful road for him. Throughout his thirty- minute walk, all he encountered were wild pokemon. This was a problem for the trainer; he needed to battle trainers not just for the experience, but to secure himself a meal. Every trainer he met was another sucker that meant more money for him. The way things were going, it seems he would have to settle for Pokemon Center food…again. Sure, it was free, but it tasted plain horrible.

    He was contemplating his disgusting fate when an odd sound reached his ears. He turned quickly, expecting to see a pokemon. Yet all he found was an old man groaning as he tossed and turned on a bench.

    The man looked a like a dead tree. He was tall and thin, his arms and legs were gnarled beyond belief, and they looked so brittle that he feared they would break at the slightest touch. Tufts of white hair grew on his head, the wrinkles on his face made it look like he was shedding skin. He was dressed in rags that covered him like a blanket. Snoring could be heard from the man as he tried to find comfort on the bench.

    The boy noticed what vaguely resembled a hat lying beside the old man, turned upside down. It was obvious the man was homeless and poor. So taking pity on his helpless form, the boy slowly approached him and dropped some change into the hat. He dropped just enough to buy him a cheap meal.

    The boy was just about to continue his trek when a hand shot out and grabbed his right arm. He yelped in surprise and tried to pull away but failed; the hand was gripping his like a vice. He turned to stare into the eyes of the old man who was now completely awake.

    “Who are you?! What is your name?!”The man growled at the boy.

    Panic enveloped the boy; he tugged at his arm harder while speaking behind clenched teeth. “Simon! Now let me go!”

    “Hmph, Simon, why did you disturb my rest?” The man demanded.

    “I-I thought you were poor! I only wanted to give you some money.” He said quickly.

    The man paused, releasing Simon’s arm. Simon backed away from him, rubbing his arm. “You thought I was poor?” The man said thoughtfully.

    “Yes!”

    The man paused again, as if he was trying to swallow the fact. Then, without warning, he burst into laughter, rolling around on the bench and clutching his sides. His laughter was so loud; it filled the forest and caused some Pidoves to fly away in fear.

    Simon stared at the man in confusion. “What’s so funny?!” He demanded.

    Upon hearing Simon’s words the man began to calm down, though he spoke in between fits of giggles. “I’m sorry, forgive me.” He said. “It’s just that…that hat fell off while I was sleeping and you thought I was begging.”

    Simon glared at the old shriveled man; he was beginning to regret giving up his much needed money to him, “Whatever, later old man.” For the third time that day, he turned to leave, and for the second time that day, he was stopped.

    “Wait!” The man called. “I can’t let you go. You have stained my honor by giving me money like a common beggar.”

    Simon turned at him, “What?” He said in disbelief.

    “I have to pay you back. Something in exchange for the money you gave me.” The man said.

    “Uh…” Simon doubted that he had anything he wanted, and doubted that he any food on him either.

    “I see that you are perplexed.” The man said. “I do have a talent for telling stories. Let me tell you one.”

    Simon was desperate to get away from the weird old man, so he was more than happy to spend a minute listening to a stupid story and be rid of him. He slowly approached him and sat down on the bench. Taking this as a sign to begin, the man cleared his throat.

    “Let me tell you of a time before most legends came into being, a story so old that it has fallen into darkness and obscurity, forgotten by all but me. There was once a time when Pokemon and man once clashed against each other on the field of a battle. They were known as monsters at that time and were feared and hunted. Their powers mystified Man and fearing what they couldn’t understand, they hunted them down. Pokemon were hunted to near extinction until, out of nowhere, they began to organize themselves and fight back.”

    “Though Pokemon burned the human’s lands, ate their crops and killed any of their kind they would encounter, Man would not fade away. For Man’s adaptability and resourcefulness would always keep them from going extinct. Yet despite that, Man still remained unable to defeat the powerful Pokemon. The war raged for generations, and any hopes of peace were dashed. To keep the hatred of Pokemon still burning in Man’s heart, High Priests would preach to them about the ‘monsters’ and warned them from ever keeping one alive. The High Priests were spiritual leaders and were followed blindly; no one dared question their reason.”

    “Yet there was one man who overcame that war. His name was Malin, a human who fought the humans alongside the pokemon. Malin was the first ever ‘monster tamer’, the first of a long line of them. He indirectly managed to stop the war and bring a reign of peace to the land of Unova. That is my story. “

    Simon stared at the man in disinterest. This “story” sounded more like a long winded lie. With a few murmured words of thanks, he got up and left. The old man watched him go; an inhuman smile was on his face. Once Simon had left the area, he got up and surrounded himself with a veil of light.

    Once the light had faded away, his new form was revealed, a tall blue stag with big yellow horns adorning its head. A big tuft fur covered its neck and its shoulder blades seemed to elongate and become something like fins. Its eyes were calm and foreboding, like the sea before a storm. It spoke in a composed voice, like every word was purposefully chosen and weighed; one couldn’t help but be intimidated by it.

    “Foolish boy; cannot recognize history even when it stares him in the face.” He said to himself. “As usual, humans only recall what pleases them.”

    It turned to the forest. “I will find your heir, young one, the one with the power to bring peace again.” The stag galloped into the undergrowth.
    Last edited by Thabet; 26th July 2011 at 11:50 AM.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    146

    Visit Kwame120's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn

    Great! Quite interesting, delves straight into the plot and has good humour. Making me laugh is very rare. I look forward to reading the rest. Smiley face.

  3. #3
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Does it matter?
    Posts
    465
    Blog Entries
    4

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn

    Thanks, I hope to get the first chapter up soon.

  4. #4
    ^^ Safe-T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Location Location Location
    Posts
    278

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn

    I read this the moment I got home, on the phone.

    So I guess the prologue has little to do with the storyline, but I can see how the plot's going to fold.

    Just one question, what was that pokemon you described at the end?

    COMING SOON!

  5. #5
    ^^ Safe-T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Location Location Location
    Posts
    278

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn

    I read this the moment I got home, on the phone.

    So I guess the prologue has little to do with the storyline, but I can see how the plot's going to fold.

    Just one question, what was that pokemon you described at the end?

    COMING SOON!

  6. #6
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Why do you care
    Posts
    59,627
    Blog Entries
    151
    Add Flaze on Facebook
    Follow Flaze on Tumblr Visit Flaze's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn

    Seems like an interesting idea, I assume the stag at the end is oen of the Three Musketeers right?

  7. #7
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Does it matter?
    Posts
    465
    Blog Entries
    4

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn

    Correct! Cobalion to be exact. They'll be part of the story later on.
    Thanks for reading.

  8. #8
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Why do you care
    Posts
    59,627
    Blog Entries
    151
    Add Flaze on Facebook
    Follow Flaze on Tumblr Visit Flaze's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn

    I was reading the entries for them and I realized that the story was about the Three Musketeers.

  9. #9
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Does it matter?
    Posts
    465
    Blog Entries
    4

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn

    Quote Originally Posted by Sky Flame Haze View Post
    I was reading the entries for them and I realized that the story was about the Three Musketeers.
    Not exactly, the Three Musketeers will appear in the story and have a part to play in it, but the story will not revolve around them as main characters.

    Now, the story will be divided into three parts call "Books". The length of each book depends on the events that take place in it. May I present the first chapter from Book One. Its crucial that whoever reading this to refer to prologue if they get stuck, since it gives a general explanation to the setting and plot.

    -------------------------------------------------.

    Book One: Nightfall

    Chapter One: Malin

    Night was beginning to fall in the village; heavy rain pounded the houses and flooded the streets, making it difficult to walk. Everyone was in their houses, seeking refuge by a fire. It was remarkable how such houses made of wood and mud could withstand such downpour.
    The village was small; the houses were few and roughly built. The only house that was made of stone belonged to the Duke. The mansion stood at the edge of the village overlooking it all. Looking at it would give you a sense of grandeur and royalty. It defied belief that this desolate, gloomy place would later become Nimbasa City.

    In the mansion, a young twelve year old boy was running through the corridors, hurrying to reach the person who was calling to him now. At first glance, the boy seemed very frail. He was small and pale; as if every physical attribute from a regular boy had been miniaturized. All around his body, skin clung to bone; it protruded from under his skin at the shoulders, arms and legs. His long jet black hair was untidy and stuck out in odd angles all around his head. He was dressed in rags that resembled a shirt and trousers.

    The most striking feature of him was the eyes. They were an intimidating piercing blue, but when looking into them, it seemed there was something hidden in them, almost as if this small, weak boy had untold strength. Not the mundane strength to preform physical feats, but the strength of heart. Ever since his birth, people would stare into his eyes like a dream before they even uttered a word to him. This made the boy feel uncomfortable, so in an attempt to hide them, he would always look down into the ground when spoken to. As a side effect, it also gave people the impression that he was submissive, so he was always treated with the least degree of respect, if any.

    He panted as his legs struggled to get him to his destination, the boy ran through the corridors and down into the dungeons where he stopped abruptly at the kitchens.

    “You called, Sir?” He said hastily, making an effort to keep his eyes to the ground.

    The cook eyed him. He was a middle aged man in his early fifties. He was short and fat with arms that resembled meat sacks. His face was pudgy and eyes that seemed to have burrowed into his skull. He was wearing regular trousers and shirt both made of rags. The only thing that distinguished him from any other peasant was the apron. By some sort miracle, he had managed wrap it around his huge waist.

    Without warning, the cook hit the boy on the head with the ladle in his hand. There was a look of fierce satisfaction on his face as he watched the boy cringe, holding his head in pain. “What have I told you about answering quickly, Malin?”

    The boy named Malin flinched. “Sorry sir…”

    “Quiet! You will not utter a nary word when I address you, boy!” The cook yelled back. “Now, I want you to take this soup straight to the Duke in his room. If I find that you spilled a single drop then, so help me, I’ll tan your hide. Understood?!”

    “Yes, sir.”

    The cook ladled the soup into a large bowl and set in on a tray. With the utmost dexterity, he handed the tray to Malin. “Off with you now.”

    Tray in hand, Malin hurried off again. Within minutes, he arrived at the Duke’s room. With difficulty, Malin managed to knock the door. A muffled “come in” came in response, so he opened the door and entered the room. The room, of course, was much larger and grander than any of the other rooms in the mansion, and sitting upright in the bed was the Duke himself. He wore his red sleeping robe as he watched Malin enter the room.

    The Duke of Nimbasa had all the features of a gentleman. His blonde hair was perfectly combed to the side, his blue eyes, though not as striking as Malin’s, were intimidating. His mouth was frozen in a constant frown. He was handsome, in a stern sort of manner.

    But what the Duke lacked was the manners of a gentleman. Like his features, he was tough, stern and most of all, ruthless. He never accepted any misbehavior, and any deviation from routine or normal behavior was usually rewarded with a lashing. On more than one occasion, villagers would be caught and sent to the stockades for reasons that bordered the illogical. Unsurprisingly, the people of Nimbasa village disliked him, and made a point to avoid him at all costs. His reputation in the village was little better than your common thief.

    As always, Malin kept his eyes to the tray. “I brought the Duke his soup to cure his illness.” Malin said quickly.

    Malin only caught glimpses of the Duke throw the bed sheets and take the tray. “Yes. Well, it’s about time.” The duke said in annoyance. “I was beginning to think that you would never arrive.”

    “Forgive me, sir.” Malin said quietly.

    The Duke grunted. Malin then ceased his chance to leave, shuffling out of the room and into the corridors. He was beginning to feel hungry and so, he went to the storage room to find something to eat.

    Within a few minutes, Malin was on the floor of the storage room, tearing into a piece of bread and a small piece of cheese. He could only take that amount of food so no one would notice any missing. On more than one occasion, he had been caught stealing food, and the consequences were painful. Malin’s back still itched from the last beating he gotten for being caught in the act.

    Suddenly, a loud creaking sound echoed in the room. Malin jumped in surprise and hurried to conceal his stolen food and hide behind sack of potatoes. The sound of small footsteps resounded in the room and a voice whispered into the gloomy darkness.

    “Malin?” The voice whispered urgently. “Malin, are you there?”

    Malin let out a sigh of relief. He came out of his hiding place to lay eyes on his friend. “I’m right here, Alistair.” He said.

    The boy named Alistair frowned. He was a fourteen year old boy. He was much taller than Malin and built much sturdier. His body was muscular from the physical chores he was tasked with every day; his arms were large and strong, veins bulged every time he moved them. His face was very handsome; his long hair was brown and wavy, his eyes were the color of honey and his face lit up every time he smiled.

    “Didn’t I warn you about stealing food again?” Alistair said, putting his hands at his hips. “Didn’t you learn anything from your past experience?”

    Malin looked him straight in the eye; there was a mischievous look in them. “I learned that if I’m going to survive under the ‘care’ of the Duke, then I have to steal and not get caught while I’m at it.”

    Alistair sighed; there was simply no convincing Malin once he put his mind to it. Alistair was probably the only one in the entire village that actually understood Malin. He was also the only one to look Malin in the eye and the only one to not be hypnotized by them.

    “You should be more grateful to the Duke,” Alistair said. “Be thankful rather than stealing from him.”

    Malin dropped his gaze, his fists clenched. In truth, Malin was known as the Duke’s ‘son’. Malin was an orphan; his father had died in a battle against the Monsters and his mother gave her life to give birth to him. The village took pity at the small form of Malin at the time. So the Duke, in an attempt to mend his reputation, took him in as a son. Of course, as soon as Malin entered the Duke’s premises, he was nothing more than a servant. When he stepped out, he was known as the Duke’s son.

    “What is there to be thankful for? I’m nothing more than a servant.” Malin growled. “Nothing more.”

    Alistair gave him a pained look and ruffled Malin’s hair in a brotherly manner. “Stay here; I’ll go get some more food.” He said as he walked away. “Bread and cheese does not make for a good meal for two.”

    After a few minutes, Malin and Alistair were both sitting on the cold hard floor of the storage room, eating bread, cheese, and minced meat and drinking milk. They enjoyed their feast while they still could, because as soon as they stepped out of their sanctuary, a harsh cruel world awaited them.

    END OF CHAPTER ONE
    Last edited by Thabet; 26th July 2011 at 11:45 AM.

  10. #10
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Why do you care
    Posts
    59,627
    Blog Entries
    151
    Add Flaze on Facebook
    Follow Flaze on Tumblr Visit Flaze's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn (1)

    Malin was the name of the old man was it not? so we'll get a view at his past and what happened to him. That seems great though then I wonder how old he really is and how he could be that old.

    Your description in this chapter about the duke and how it felt to live in the mansion were really good and detailed, not just that but it answered a lot of questions that could've been kept going had you not explained that. Also I want to see more about life in the past and about the war.

  11. #11
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    146

    Visit Kwame120's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn (1)

    Hm, that's interesting. Immediately strays away from the themes of the first chapter, but does that in a brilliant way. Quite like the language used and writing skills, as well as an interesting plots that's engaging from the start. I look forward to chapter 2.

  12. #12
    ^^ Safe-T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Location Location Location
    Posts
    278

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn (1)

    Great chapter, your description was flawless and reading it was easy, I didn't feel I had to reread some parts to understand.

    Nice job on the characters too, your characterization was great, despite it being the first chapter I could easily distinguish them.

    COMING SOON!

  13. #13
    Back to KM Kantomasta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Here,now
    Posts
    2,190
    Blog Entries
    72

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn (1)

    Just read the first too chapters and I have to say I think they are great. Your description is really good and I am interested to find out what happens. Definately reading. :)
    My 3ds FC: 0018 2172 7225 Safari: Rock Feel free to add me! I can only get on wifi maybe once a week at most though!
    my stats[/SIZE]|ranger

  14. #14
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Does it matter?
    Posts
    465
    Blog Entries
    4

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn (1)

    Droppin' by to check out your comments and answer some of them. Btw, the next chapter will probably be due tomorrow or early after tomorrow (My local time).

    Quote Originally Posted by Sky Flame Haze View Post
    Malin was the name of the old man was it not? so we'll get a view at his past and what happened to him. That seems great though then I wonder how old he really is and how he could be that old.

    Your description in this chapter about the duke and how it felt to live in the mansion were really good and detailed, not just that but it answered a lot of questions that could've been kept going had you not explained that. Also I want to see more about life in the past and about the war.
    -Well, not really. Malin was mentioned in the old man's story. The old man was actually Cobalion in disguise who was searching for "The one to bring peace again." Aka, Hilbert/Hilda. But thats beside the point. Since the prologue doesn't have anything to do with the main story plot-wise. You'll see what I mean later on in the story. :)
    -Thank you. There's alot of things to explain and its easy to forget something. If I forget to explain a detail or something than that could lead to plot-holes, something I don't want (Duh). The next chapter will address those exact points, too.

    Quote Originally Posted by kwame120 View Post
    Hm, that's interesting. Immediately strays away from the themes of the first chapter, but does that in a brilliant way. Quite like the language used and writing skills, as well as an interesting plots that's engaging from the start. I look forward to chapter 2.
    Thanks! I hope you continue to read my work.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rem View Post
    Great chapter, your description was flawless and reading it was easy, I didn't feel I had to reread some parts to understand.

    Nice job on the characters too, your characterization was great, despite it being the first chapter I could easily distinguish them.
    Thanks, Rem. Description was a little hard to nail, so its nice to know that I've done well with it.

    Quote Originally Posted by KantoMasta View Post
    Just read the first too chapters and I have to say I think they are great. Your description is really good and I am interested to find out what happens. Definately reading. :)
    Thanks for reading!

  15. #15
    Registered User Heartz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    99

    Default Re: Darkness before Dawn (1)

    Great writing. You definetly have a skill with it. Descriptions, dialogue and characters all flow and weave together perfectly. Can't wait to read the rest! Keep up the great work!

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •