MATURE: A Darker Adventure Story

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  1. #1
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default A Darker Adventure Story

    Hello all! It's me again! I've decided to go back to writing. But first, I feel like I owe you all an apology. The last fic I did which I abandoned was stopped because the idea was a flunk- I basically stole it from a book I read. So dropping that, I decided to make an original story that was actually, well, original thing time ;P. No need to fear. We're gonna finish this one, kids. So once again I apologize, and be sure that while I may take a break, this fic won't get discontinued. It's an idea that I've had for a while, and one I'm comfortable with. Now enough of my balbbering, enjoy the story, and please please please leave feedback! :D



    Index:
    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3
    Chapter 4


    CHAPTER 1

    I’m gonna to start this off by saying that I’m not the best person in the world. So whatever happens to me, don’t feel bad. This was all a mistake. All my fault. I could’ve found another way, sought professional help. But I felt like I could do it. I knew I could do it. And in the end? What did it all become?

    That’s for you to find out. Right now. But I’m getting ahead of myself. You don’t even know who I am, do you? My given name is Nathaniel Parker. But I’m known as Nate. I grew up on the streets of Saffron. It was your traditional ghetto story- but with a twist. My father left the family when I was two, so I was raised by my mother. Saffron was a huge city, bustling with the highest and the lowest, all the thugs and criminals, but somehow top business executives and stuff. All because of that Silph Co. buildin’.

    If it wasn’t for that, Saffron woulda hit the shitter a long time back. It was the one thing that gave the city any money, along with the side businesses, restaurants and what not. But like I said, Saffron, as high and glorious as it was, was home to the highest criminal population in all of Kanto! And yours truly saw it all first-hand himself. I was one of them “thugs”. I got introduced to the drug trade at twelve years old. At that time, the “Parashroom” was hot shit. Basically, if I recall correctly, people smuggled in Paras and then “de-mushroomed” them. Once they had the shrooms, they would sell ‘em to the addicts on the block.

    I made good money doing that. Easy work, too, once you get the hang of it. The Parashrooms are long gone now, after some tough crackdown on the drug trade, but I still remember them and all the buzz they caused. Did ‘em myself a couple times, gave you a woozy feelin’ that felt good. But besides the drug trade, I dabbled in other things. There were street fights, as in with Pokémon, and they were amazing to watch. Real good entertainment. People sittin’ on their front steps, or gatherin’ round. Bettin’ money, snacks, blunts, you name it. Yessir, it was the life.
    The criminals loathed the rich. I guess that’s true everywhere, but it was more so in Saffron because of how close the two groups were. Rich and ghetto don’t mix well, yet that’s exactly what Saffron was. And exactly why I had to set out and do what I did. Which reminds me, I should probably get to that now. Enough about me, I’m sure you heard it before. Street kid who grew up in the ghetto, gazin’ at the rich folk with wishy eyes, who got into the gang life and became a crook.

    I was 20 years old, and it was a chilly night in November. Walking down the street ready goin’home. I see these older kids across the block. They see me, and start tailin’ me, those damn foxes. Now rule on the street was, anybody older than you was your boss, anybody younger than you was your slave. So I’m scared of these guys, or supposed to anyways. This isn’t like all those stories you hear of with a boy who defends himself with a Pokémon and all. Unless you set out to become a Trainer, most people keep the things as pets or study ‘em. Most people in the ghetto didn’t really have access to Pokémon, either. In fact, those street battles were mostly between the drug dealers, cause they were the only ones who could afford those Pokéball things. They’re like what, 200 Poké now? Back when they they first came out, they were 700 a ball. Expensive shit. I didn’t invest in ‘em, saw ‘em as a waste of money. I preferred watching the battles, anyways. But when other street kids got Pokémon, they did what they do best. Exploit them.

    Now, as they get closer, I see that they’re not wearin’ normal gangster shades. They’re in professional business looking shades. In fact, they’re dressed like businessmen, too. Pretty soon, I realize that they are businessmen. I see my house a couple blocks away, and quicken my pace. I look back and don’t see them. Scared for my life, I dart towards my house, only to run into a giant, hulking shadow. I fall flat on my ass, but stick my arms out to break my fall. Suddenly, there are two other guys next to the guy I ran into. My heart’s literally jumping out of my chest, and I start sweating like a pig. We can’t see each other cause it’s too dark, but I’m sure they can sense my fear.

    “You’re coming with us.” I hear one of ‘em say. They’re not gang kids, so the rule don’t apply to them. As a result, I retort back:

    “I’m not goin’ anywhere, fuckstick.” At that moment, I felt like I had an advantage. They made a mistake, tryin’ to give orders to a thug. I was the dominant one here. They should be scared of ME. Right?
    Wrong. I feel the cold barrel of a gun slither its way to my temple. “Mr. Parker, I’m not going to tell you one more time. You’re coming with us. It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.”

    Parker! This asswipe knew my name! But before I could react, I don’t forget the gun pointed directly to my head. So what do I do? I do the only thing I can. I get up and come with ‘em. They take me to a van, drive me to some place that I’m guessin’ is their base of operations, and take me to a room. I’m on one side of a wide sheet of glass. My arms are tied to a chair. On the other side, them, sitting on three chairs behind a table. There’s a wall behind ‘em with a clock, but it’s in those fancy Roman numerals, so I didn’t really know how to read it. The wall’s painted a tan color, and there’s words written on the wall in a painting that says “The world is a chessboard, only to be controlled. If done right, you will win.”

    On my side of the room, it’s mostly dark, so I can’t tell. Two single lamps hang from the ceiling pointing downward in my general direction, scattering their bright white light. To my left is a giant iron door. I open my eyes and look up.

    One of ‘em motioned to the other. “He’s awake, Robert.” A husky, but sturdy guy looks up from some paperwork he’s doing and locks eyes with me, before looking away, and seemin’ to study me. I make a guess that this is the guy I ran into. This whole setting meanwhile is sending chills down my spine. Feels familiar, and then I realize that I’m probably at a police station.

    “Are you cops?” I ask, my voice cracking. The men burst into laughter and I feel stupid. They’re not cops then, I think to myself. But then who are they?

    “No. Someone worse.” The man replies.

    “I don’t know who you are, but I ain’t done anything wrong. What do you guys want?”

    I hear them snicker, but the husky guy... er, Robert waved ‘em down.

    “We are a group, an organization that wants to...accomplish certain things.”

    “Like a mafia?”

    “Yes, but without the crime. Or direct crime, rather. Sometimes, you have to do bad to create good. The ends justify the means.”

    I glance over at the other two, who look back at me and nod. I look to the guy with panic in my eyes, and he laughs again.

    “Relax, Nathaniel, we’re not going to hurt you. We just... need you for an errand. After that, you’re free to go.”

    “How the fuck do you know my name?”

    The guy smiled, but it was one more of evil than happiness. “Research. We needed to know as much about you as we could. And we believe that you’re the person who can help us. But I apologize for being rude. My name is Robert. To my left Silas and to my right Charlie.”

    I studied the other two. Charlie had short, brown hair, with a decent complexion. He wore glasses, and had hazel eyes. Charlie also had a goatee, and wore a red tie with his suit. Silas on the other hand had blond hair, was cleanly shaven, and had grayish-blue eyes. He seemed shorter than the rest, and had a goldish-yellow tie with his black suit. Both looked professional and charming.

    “Do you do this with everybody you abduct?”

    The three men laughed a laugh free of humor. “Oh, we’re not like that. This is a rather extreme case, and what we need is urgent. So we had to get to you the quickest way we could.”

    “Whaddya you need me for?” I was more relaxed now. Even though I was still a bit scared about all of this, I suddenly felt a bit safer knowing that they weren’t going to kill me. Not now, anyways. In the future, maybe.

    Robert changed his tone, to one entirely businesslike, and said to me, “We need to have the eight badges of Kanto with us by the next three weeks. They are crucial to our plans. And we need you to retrieve them. We have readied you everything, a bag full of supplies, new clothes, a cellphone, and a flight ticket to Pewter City, where the first badge awaits. We are confident you can do this.”
    “What if I refuse?”

    Robert howled with laughter. I was gettin’ sick of all of this laughin’.

    “What’s so funny?” I challenged.

    “My, my Nate. Such a stupid child. Did you not think we would have already planned something in case you tried to deny? On your chest attached is a bomb. Within that bomb is a GPS tracking device. As a result, we can see where you go at all times, and if you do anything suspicious, attempt to abandon the job, or try to take the bomb off yourself...well, you’ll be ashes. While it’s small, about 4 inches wide and 4 inches tall, it can still kill you. So be careful, and do not act outside of the boundaries.”

    The other guy, Silas, moved towards the mic, and said in a voice that wasn’t as deep as Robert’s, but cooler, “We also have your other personal info. Like your address, relatives, bank account details. And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want your mother harmed, would you?”

    Anger shot up from within me. “Don’t bring her into this you twisted bastards! I’ll take the job, but don’t lay a finger on her you sick fucks!”

    Robert said calmly, “Cool down, Nate. None of this will happen, you dying or your mother dying or anything of the likes as long as you act within the boundaries, as I said before. Do what you’re supposed to. Get the badges back here safe and sound by the given time, we’ll disarm the bomb, and we’ll break all ties, never see each other again. Deal?”

    I bit my lip, unsure about what to say. But again, I had no choice. “Deal.”

    The man smiled that evil smile and said in a bonechilling tone, “Good.”

    Silas walked to the iron door, opened it and came to my side. He untied me from the chair, and took me with him. The other guy, Charlie opened the door and led me out to that van again. We drove in silence. Finally, they dropped me off near my house. Before they did, Charlie said,

    “Oh yes, I almost forgot. We were unable to get you actual Pokémon. We trust you can do that yourself though, right?”

    “Yeah, no problem.” I replied , still not believin’ everything that had happened. His voice was the most different of all, because he had a British accent.

    Robert looked at me from the rearview mirror. “Ta-ta for now Nate. Expect to hear from us soon. The sooner you’re done, the sooner we can dissolve everything between us.”

    And then, the bastards were gone. I stood alone, looking up and down my street. Well then I thought to myself Guess I got work to do.
    Last edited by Pride; 24th November 2012 at 07:47 PM.

  2. #2
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Darker Adventure Story

    Wow, this was excellent.

    I havent have time to read a whole lot of fics lately, but your title drew me in. I'm glad it did.

    I love the aura of darkness and realism you bring to the PokeVerse. The Parashroom thing is pretty clever and you really give a richer and more detailed account of the world than what we see in the canon verse. Your personable style of writing is also really enjoyable to read.

    Another thing Im a very big fan of is how you explained that not everyone can afford to own Pokemon, which is something I have been implementing in my own story. It just gives another real shot of 'realism' to the story, which I am a fan of, personally.

    I also really like how you formatted the badge quest. You gave it a cool spin by having the mysterious organization forcing Nate to participate.

    My only criticisms aren't really even criticisms because I think this story is going to be great. Like I said, I enjoy the conversational tone of your narration, but sometimes the shortening of words ("gazin'") was sort of distracting to me. But I realize that it is part of the character so I appreciate the extra detail there. It's maybe just a quirk on my part that I was distracted by it.

    Secondly, Nate is 20 or 21, right? As I was reading, I admit I picture him as more of a 16-17 year old by his description and just general tone in the text (refers to himself and peers as "boys"). It's just the first chapter though, so it's probably nothing to worry about.

    Other than those minor things, I thought this was a great start to a story I would love to follow. Can't wait to read and find out what this secret organization is up to and what they want with the badges. What Pokemon will Nate get?

    Awesome.

  3. #3
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Darker Adventure Story

    Thanks @Legacy; for your input. I definitely understand what you mean. I've toned down the ghetto talk in this chapter, and throughout the story I will try to make Nate more mature. Thanks again for reading.

    Also, with this chapter I have added a new "feature". Any section of the story set off by "_____________________" is realtime events happening currently that are told from the third person. This is to better connect you to the world. Once finished, it will be marked off by another "____________________________" and then it'll be back to Nate.

    Hope you enjoy! ^_^

    CHAPTER 2

    Anxiety plagued me for the rest of that night. I was nervous beyond your wild ass imagination. Those eight Badges in my hands? In three fuckin’ weeks! Man, growin’ up, those Badges were only things we could dream about owning. Now, I actually had to go out and get ‘em. So that night, as I lay in bed, I start thinking about strategies and how I can actually accomplish this fool’s errand.

    For all their “research” I thought to myself, they didn’t pick someone who’s actually battled with the damn Pokémon before. Look as shocked as you want, it’s true. Before that journey, I’d never handled a Pokémon before. Sure, I’d petted them, and stuff like that. But actually owned one, battled with one? Psht, hell no. Think I already said that it didn’t seem like something I’d wanna invest in.

    Fast-forward to the next morning, and I’m up and about. I need to find a Pokémon, but to do so, I realize I need Pokéballs. I get up off my bed and stretch. Like said, I’m not the richest of the rich, and my living arrangement shows that. My apartment’s about 16 feet wide and 24 feet tall. The paint peels off the walls, and there’s splinters in the wood flooring, but you make do with what you got, right? My bed occupies the room’s far corner, along with a bedside table. There’s also a shelf on the other side, with a radio and some rap albums lining the shelves. Opening the room door leads you to a small hallway, and then you can find yourself in the kitchen. A basic kitchen: microwave, stove, wooden countertops, tiled flooring, you know. Same ol’, same ol’.

    Walking out of the kitchen leads directly to the living room. This is about as large as my room. There’s a small 20-inch TV, a red carpet along the wooden floor, and a sofa. Next to the sofa is another small table, with a vase and some flowers within. Besides that, I have a bathroom and another bedroom. The other bedroom I don’t use too much. And behind the sofa, you’ll find a door that takes you out of the apartment.

    The living room and kitchen also suffer from what my bedroom and the rest of the apartment suffers from; peeling paint, wood that splinters, and general blandness. Me, and crooks alike, can only wish to have those big, jaw-dropping houses and stuff like that. The same ones that the rich have. Another reason our two groups don’t mix well. Cause they have all the things we can only have in our reverie.
    I stagger over to the kitchen and make myself a simple breakfast. I’ve already decided today’s the day I’m gonna catch myself a Pokémon. I remember those guys telling me they’ve left me supplies to get me started. I damn well didn’t see anything when I got back or get anything from them when I left. After eating, I walk out and see a bright red bag on the couch. Must’ve been put there when I was sleepin’. I open it up, and they’re right. My eyes immediately move to the Poké dollars. I can tell right from looking that it’s a good amount of money. I also see Pokéballs, Potions, a cell phone, that airplane ticket they was talkin’ about. And a medium sized yellow book, called Pokémon For Dummies. I guess they DID know after all that I don’t have experience with Pokémon. But this just doesn’t make all the more sense. I decide that I’ll find out eventually and that it’s not important now.

    I first count up the money. In total, I have 3000. About the same amount of money I made after two months of selling drugs. I can’t help but smile, and feel good about already having this much. I next check the flight ticket. It says I need to board a Kanto Airlines flight for Pewter in another three days. Gives me enough time to catch a Pokémon, “train” it a little like how I’ve heard street fighters say, and finish up any other business I have here. Finally, I counted the Pokéballs and Potions, five each, and turned on and adjusted the cell phone to my comfort.

    I got up, out on the backpack, and walked out. I held a Pokéball in my hand, and immediately once I got outside and out of the apartment building, started in search of something I could capture.
    ______________________________________________________________________________
    Silas opened the door to Robert’s office a crack and knocked. After hearing a “Come in.” from Robert, he came in and sat down in front of him. Robert was currently reading the newspaper, and there was an rather long silence between them. Finally, he put it down and asked, “What do you want, Silas?”

    Silas cleared his throat. “I just don’t think this Parker boy is the best way of getting the badges. You do know he has no Pokémon experience right? And you gave him a three week deadline. I just feel that one of the street battlers would’ve been a better target is all.”

    “The reason why I didn’t ask a street battler to do so is because they are difficult to reach. They often live in the underground, with friends who are gang members always around them. As a result, it would be difficult to catch one of them by themselves without revealing ourselves and therefore compromising the entire organization”

    “Parker knows who we are.”

    “Yes, but he doesn’t know anything about us. He doesn’t know what we’re after, what we do, and how we operate. As far as he’s concerned, we’re just a better put together street gang.”

    “We could’ve captured a street battler still.” Silas said, trying to make sure he controlled his anger. “We could’ve waited for the one moment when they come alone and strike. We wouldn’t even have to have confronted them like with Nate. We could’ve knocked them unconscious.”

    “I told you, the chance of finding them along is one in a hundred. The chance of finding them unarmed, which was the sole reason we were able to get Nate, is one in a thousand. Three men, no matter how mastered we may be with weapons and fighting skills, are no match for Pokémon of a stree battler’s caliber, which are more ferocious and deadly than average Trainer’s Pokémon.”

    Silas was about to object, but then closed his mouth when he saw Robert give him a stern look.

    “Listen Silas. I know that this may not seem like the best way for us to go. But we have no other choice. We’ve already supplied that piece of ghetto trash with supplies, given him orders, revealed who we are, our names. He knows what we look like. He has the damn bomb strapped to his chest for God’s sake. We will get what we want. You won’t need to worry.”

    “Yes sir, I understand.”

    Robert smiled, and in a calmer tone said, “I knew you would. You are one of my top executives. Now, there is a person that I need you to neutralize because they can jeopardize our entire operation. He had a run-in with one of our members a couple months back. I have news saying he is actively trying to pursue us.”

    Silas nodded, forgetting about his anger with Parker. All the members of their organization were skilled in a certain area, be it weapons, martial arts, hacking, anything that made their goals easier. He was one of the few who were masterful at assassinations. “What’s his name?”

    “Blue... Blue Oak, the document reads. The grandson of that Professor Oak fellow. You know, the famous Professor?”

    Silas nodded. “Yes, I’ve heard of him. Had to do a report about him in high school.”

    “Right. I want Blue Oak dead. By the end of the week.”

    Today’s Tuesday. Silas thought to himself. That gives me the whole week to kill him, and get out. “I’ll take the job, boss. He’ll be dead like you want.”

    Robert grinned. “Excellent.”
    ______________________________________________________________________________
    The kind of Pokémon that were common to Saffron was the usual. Ratattas that scrambled along the streets, Spearows and Pidgeys that took to the skies, Grimer that lived in dumpsters, not to mention the stray Meowths and Growlithes that Saffron was full of. I decided that I’d catch the first one I saw.

    I’d read up on the “Catching Pokémon” section of the book (Just cause I was from the streets don’t mean I didn’t go to school). Pretty easy. I never really admired these things as much as I did now. So simple to use. The way I see it, I need to throw the little things at the Pokémon, and then the Pokémon evaporates and it’s in the ball! It’s like magic or some shit! But I don’t wanna bore you with the details. I’ll move on.

    I walk down the street trying to find a Pokémon, and I eventually saunter into an alleyway between my street and another one. I figure that I may find a Ratatta there, some Spearows maybe if I’m lucky. Sure enough, I enter the alley and see a Ratatta nibbling on some trash in an alley. I decide to sneak up on it, and very carefully I approach it, but it looks up, twitches its nose and runs away.
    “Fuck.” I say to myself. This was gonna be harder than I expected. Suddenly, I hear a growl come from the alley. I jump and grab a Pokéball, ready to throw at whatever comes out. The dumpster shakes, and out slithers a glob of purple goo, with two white circles as eyes and a black, gaping mouth in the center slither out.

    I jump back and start sweating. The creature just looked at me, almost shocked at my reaction, and slithers away, not paying attention to me. I cool down and realize it’s just a Grimer. Damn things always scared the shit outta me. I do what I read about, and throw the Pokéball at it. As soon as it touches the Grimer, the little thing opens up and in goes Grimer, who’s already become a silhouette of light. Going in, I see the Pokéball shake back and forth, and to my dismay, it comes out. But this time, it’s angry, and starts coming towards me.

    The thing is slow though, and I manage to go the other way so it’s far from me again. I hurl another Pokéball, and in it goes for the second time. This time though, it stays. I suddenly felt very happy, almost on the verge of tears. For the first time, I’d actually caught a Pokémon. But I don’t forget the bomb strapped to my chest, which makes an awkward square shaped bulge from the T-Shirt I’m wearing. I pick up the Pokéball, tuck it into my bag, and head home. I have more reading to do. Now time to train the fella.

  4. #4
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Darker Adventure Story

    Another good chapter.

    In my last post, I didn't mean the ghetto talk was distracting, just the shortening and apostrophe-ing of certain words in the narration. But that's a minor issue, like I said, totally doesn't detract from the story.

    As for this latest chapter, there were very minimal grammar things (you "lie" in bed, not "lay" in this case since your story is in the present tense). But other those those, it's great. You are a great writer.

    The only other small criticism I have is the description of Nate's apartment is too long, IMO. Knowing the details and measurements of every room in his place doesn't really add to the story. But you are good at description.

    I really am excited that Oak and Blue are in this! Grimer as the starter is badass too.

    keep it up!

  5. #5
    THE CULT OF PERSONALITY System Error's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Darker Adventure Story

    Reading Nathaniel's lines in Joe Pesci's voice; finding fic that special brand of amazing as a result. Although again, despite it probably being more Ray Liotta, Pesci just makes it cooler. Also, you certainly get points for originality with a Grimer as one's first Pokemon. It's an interesting world so far to boot.

    Thread automatically updated every 30 second(s). Eagerly awaiting the moment that happens.
    Don't know what to put here.

  6. #6
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Darker Adventure Story

    Thanks again for your comments, @Legacy; and @System Error;. You guys wanna be added to the tag list? (stolen from @Gama;)

    CHAPTER 3

    So now I had a Pokémon, my very own. I stayed up all night, readin’ about the battling part of Pokémon. Like I said, I already knew a little, from watching the street battles and such, but now I was gonna be in control. So these guys have moves and stuff like that, and when you shout one, they’ll do it, and that does a certain amount of damage to the other one. Seemed simple enough.

    But the only way to see your Pokémon’s health and moves and level was to get a Pokédex, which I’d seen a bunch of kids who went out to become Trainers get. That was the disadvantage of street battles; it was basically a guess-and-hope type thing where you called out a move and hoped the Pokémon did it. But street battles were more aggressive; not only did you have tobe good with Pokémon, you had to have quick-wits. A lotta times what would happen is that the Pokémon would claw each other to exhaustion, or kick or punch or anything after their owners got tired of tellin’ ‘em to do moves they didn’t know.

    I read up all about my Pokémon, too. It evolves into this even bigger pile of purple sludge, called Muk. Grimer can also get into the smallest openings cause it ain’t got a solid form, and mostly good for attack even though it has a pretty good defense. Best part is all of that gets better when it evolves.

    I put down the book and glanced over at a clock that says “12:34”. I can feel myself wanting to sleep, but to get all eight of those damn Badges, I needa make sure I know what I’m doing. I pick up the PokéBall that has Grimer, and hold it tight in my hands. With this guy is where my future lies. Him and all the others that I get, if I get ‘em.

    Feeling kinda stiff, I decided to get up and walk around, stretch a little. Outside, it’s beautiful, you can hardly tell it’s November. The moon shines down on all of Saffron, and there stars all over the sky. I plop down on the couch and let out a huge yawn. It’s already morning, so I figure sleeping won’t do me that good when I’ll have to be up in another 5 hours anyway. My hand searches for the remote, and after finding it, I turn on the twelve o’clock news. That’s the last thing I remember. That and something about Blue Oak making a speech in Pewter City...

    ______________________________________________________________________________

    Silas sat down in the wooden chair in front of his computer table. He had been doing research on the whereabouts of Blue Oak and the perfect time to strike. It was nearly 1 AM, and he had gathered some useful info. Sitting there, browsing on his computer, he had uncovered that Blue himself was to appear in Pewter City two days from now to make a speech at the grand re-opening of the Pewter Museum of Science, which had closed years before and was now to be re-opened and continue its studies.

    Silas scoffed at the idea. It was obviously another move by the Council for one of their schemes. He just couldn’t figure out exactly what.

    He would think about that later. In the meantime, he studied Blue, the man whom he knew little of but would have to kill in little time. He was tall, with bright brown eyes and a growing beard of brown hair that covered the bottom of his face. He served as the representative of Viridian for the Kanto Council, the form of government that had been established only twenty years ago. Silas’s father had told him numerous stories of this day-for he was a boy himself when it happened.

    Angry citizens, tired of the totalitarian like Kanto government, with no concern for people or Pokémon, stormed the capital, ransacking the building and killing not only many government officials but the Chancellor himself. A more democratic solution was proposed, and thus came the Council, composed of 15 representatives- 8 from each of Kanto’s cities, and 7 for each of the Sevii Islands. But this was old news, something people had already accustomed to and didn’t think of much. For it had been like this for years, ever since the Great Revolution, as it was dubbed.

    Silas sipped coffee and continued in his reverie of all that his father had told him about those times, all that he learned in school, all that he had never experienced. He suddenly wished he didn’t do what he did now, that he became something else...anything else. History teacher, astronaut, even one of those damned politicians. But he immediately wiped this kind of thinking from his mind. He was serving a greater cause, one much more important than any of those careers, a cause that would go down in history.

    True, the Council transformed Kanto, recognizing human freedom and granting economic attainment. But it was no secret that the Council was full of corruption. Though, when you think about it Silas thought to himself, politics has always been full of corruption.

    He re-focused his attention to the task at hand. He had down a time, place, and occasion to strike. Now all that mattered was delivering the final blow. Something that Silas was very effective at doing.

    “In the short time, we’ve met,” Silas murmured to himself, “it is quite a shame that you must die.”

    ______________________________________________________________________________

    “Grimer, Sludge!” I called, as Grimer was fought a wild Ekans. Globs of purple sludge piled up from Grimer’s mouth, attacking the Ekans. I thought about catching it, but later decided against iit, deciding that Grimer should be my first priority. The Pokémon looked weak enough, and before it could move, I called out one final move.

    “Pound it!” and Grimer flew over, leaving a trail of sludge as it did so, and slugged the little thing right in the face. Ha-ha, it was a spectacle all right! I could finally see all the buzz over Pokémon, after using ‘em myself. After that, the Ekans was down, and I congratulated me and Grimer on another victory. I would pet the thing, but I don’t wanna get my hand fried and all.

    “Alright, that’s it for today.” I say. Pulling out the Pokéball, I call Grimer back. It was nearly 12:00, noon this time. I’d been trainin’ all morning. Now I decided to get me some lunch. I go over to the local fast-food place, and wait to get my order. While I’m doing that, I notice these guys, lookin’ at me with a look in their eyes, like they want trouble. I don’t want beef with anybody at this moment, I’m too busy thinkin’ about what I’m gonna do next. I get my food, and walk out, deciding that I’ll let Grimer eat and then rest a little. After that, I’m sure we can train again until dinner.

    I’m about to sit down, but one guy grabs my shirt from behind and swings me around. People swing their heads in our direction, and I can feel myself reddening up. I never did like attention.

    “Hey, we noticed you got a Pokéball there.” The guy said, eyeing the thing like it was a fucking hundred dollar bill. The other two stand there, looking at me with intimidating looks. Or their definition of them, I should say.

    “You’re not getting’ it. It’s mine.” I respond, not in the mood for this bullshit. I turn around and am about to head out, but he turns me around again, harder this time and gives me a look that says he’s gonna bring about pain. I had no reason to worry. Growin’ up on the streets helped with this kinda stuff.

    “You ain’t got a choice cocksucker. Hand it over before your ghetto ass meets the fuckin’ Lord.”

    I see people all around looking, their eyes locked on me now, to see what I’m gonna do. I see a couple leave. Must be new to Saffron. This type of thing happens all the damn time. I’m usually on the watching end though. That’s not the case this time around.

    Feeling a bit confident, I say to them, “Battle me for it, if you want it that bad. We’ll see if you fight as good as you bitch.”

    The guy laughs and grins, like I just told him a joke or some shit. “You just issued yourself a death sentence.”

    Eventually, a plump little man comes from outta the kitchen and puts his hands up, walkin’ between us.

    “Listen to me.” He says, with a think Latino accent. “I am no gonna tolerate dis kind of behavior in MY restaurant. You fuckers want to battle it out, go somewhere else.”

    Needless to say, we were ushered out, and kicked out onto the streets. We both get up and dust ourselves off, than face each other, his posse hidin’ behind his back like pussies. I pull the Pokéball from my belt, and look the other guy in the face. He does the same.

    “Grimer, get your ass out here.” I yell, throwing my Pokémon out. I watch it turn from a cloud of white into a solid, living form. Damn, no matter how many times I watch that, there is no way I will get over it.

    “Be ready to get fucked up, kid.” I hear the other guy yell. His Pokéball breaks to reveal an orange puppy looking thing. Almost makes me wanna laugh. But underestimating your opponent is the worst thing you can do when you’re fightin’ someone. So I decided to keep my mouth shut. I’ve seen the same Pokémon be used before a bunch of times by street battlers- they call it Growlithe, I think. Sometimes they win with it, sometimes they don’t.

    People crowd from outside of the restaurant, in a big line watching us. To the other side, there’s nothing, and we’ve only each other to face and fight.

    I yell out the first command, “Grimer, Sludge!”

  7. #7
    Rocking the Lucario Thundagere's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Darker Adventure Story

    I'm really enjoying this fic! I'm finding the angle to be quite refreshing, and this new "team"/street gang's goals are pretty interesting.
    At times the pacing seems a tad rushed, but that might just be me.
    Looking forward to more!

    Made by Blue Dragon!

  8. #8
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Darker Adventure Story

    Hmm, so I'll weigh in on the first chapter, that I just read.

    Things seemed a little... off in this first chapter. I think you still have about 50% of the problem that most writers have about going through things too quickly and being too explicit.

    Take this line:

    It was your traditional ghetto story - but with a twist.
    The general vibe of your story doesn't seem to be the kind of thing that breaks the fourth wall, and this came out of nowhere. Generally, "darker" stories such as yours portray themselves more seriously, and you wouldn't have such a line in the story itself, expressly telling you what the story is supposed to be like.

    They take me to a van, drive me to some place that I’m guessin’ is their base of operations, and take me to a room.
    This is one of the places where the skip seems out of place. Shouldn't you be describing the inside of the van, or perhaps what happens when they take you into the room? Is it on a high floor? Underground? Does Nathaniel struggle at all when he's taken out of the van? You seem to imply he was knocked asleep in the later part, but this is never expressed in the narrative itself.

    “We are a group, an organization that wants to...accomplish certain things.”

    “Like a mafia?”

    “Yes, but without the crime. Or direct crime, rather. Sometimes, you have to do bad to create good. The ends justify the means.”
    He seems in a rush to describe his motivation. Does he even need to tell Nathaniel anything?

    Robert changed his tone, to one entirely businesslike, and said to me, “We need to have the eight badges of Kanto with us by the next three weeks. They are crucial to our plans. And we need you to retrieve them. We have readied you everything, a bag full of supplies, new clothes, a cellphone, and a flight ticket to Pewter City, where the first badge awaits. We are confident you can do this.”
    This seems a bit forced. In order to introduce what you call a "darker" adventure, you create an organization that says, "We need you to collect the eight Gym badges like a regular Trainer, and we need it done NOW."

    “My, my Nate. Such a stupid child. Did you not think we would have already planned something in case you tried to deny? On your chest attached is a bomb. Within that bomb is a GPS tracking device. As a result, we can see where you go at all times, and if you do anything suspicious, attempt to abandon the job, or try to take the bomb off yourself...well, you’ll be ashes. While it’s small, about 4 inches wide and 4 inches tall, it can still kill you. So be careful, and do not act outside of the boundaries.”
    I take it this story is still going to follow the eight-badges formula, but under the premise that Nate has a bomb strapped to his chest and is collecting them for some secret organization. This is a rather thin setup for such an adventure, in my opinion. I took a peek at your next few chapters, and Nathaniel only shows duplicity in a very sparse, rationed portion of the narrative, almost as if he's adopting the trainer mentality himself and you were using the bomb setup simply as an excuse to get him to go on the badge-collecting adventure. There's almost no transition period, except for that small period of anxiety the previous night.

    Well then I thought to myself Guess I got work to do.
    He just kinda takes it, know what I mean? Sure, he puts up a pathetically weak fight against taking the mission, but there are no feelings of shame? For not having stood up to the businessmen? No "street cred" being lost?

    You see what I mean, though. Rather than being a genuinely "darker" story, it seems more like you're trying to make "the regular story but with more mature elements swapped in for everything". This can work, but only if everything is reworked as a whole. I just don't see that happening with this story.

    Now, there are a few lingering technical problems I'd like to address, but they're nowhere near as important as the above.

    Your use of "street slang" seems to just pepper it everywhere. In a few places it sticks out. The rest of your tone (sometimes speaking formally to the point of even omitting contractions) doesn't match up with the words you're using.

    Well then I thought to myself Guess I got work to do.
    Comma after myself, italicize the rest of the sentence. That was just bugging me a bit.

    They’re like what, 200 Poké now? Back when they they first came out, they were 700 a ball.
    Small note here, 200 pyen is about $2.50 US. Perhaps $7 is expensive because he's strapped for cash? Ehh.

    But yeah, given the stuff I said above, I'm not sure it's something you can improve with time; if the story is set up badly, it will propagate through the rest of the story like crazy, unless you can somehow pull it off that the first part wasn't serious. I mean, it's happened before, that a story that started out a bit off-kilter became much more consistent and detailed later on. But you've got to be ready to do that. Are you?
    Last edited by Zekurom; 21st November 2012 at 10:21 AM.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  9. #9
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Darker Adventure Story

    Responses:


    CHAPTER 4

    Toxic sludge poured forth from Grimer’s mouth, raining down on the Growlithe. The Pokémon winced as the wave approached it, and tried to move out of the way, but with no luck.

    The frustrated Trainer yelled out, “Ember!”, and the little thing spewed out flares heading straight for Grimer. Being too slow, it didn’t move out of the wave. I wasn’t surprised.

    “Mud shot.” I said, wanting to get this over with. Grimer scooped up the dirt before it into its mouth, and blasted it forward, but the Growlithe this time dodged, and hit with a nasty Scratch. Grimer cringed, and looked at me with eyes saying it wanted out, but it wasn’t an option. I had to win.

    “Mud shot, again. Hit the fuckin’ thing this time.” I called. Grimer once again did the same routine, and spewed out, but it hit Growlithe this time, who seemed to be badly hurt. I saw this as an opportunity.

    The audience meanwhile was in awe, their mouths hangin’ open and moving their eyes back and forth between the Pokémon. The other guy looked nervous, and finally pulled out a Pokéball to call back his Pokémon.

    “I win.” I said happily.

    I was about to call Grimer back, thankful I managed to get out. Grimer didn’t seem too hurt, and I could feel the vigor of being in a real battle flowing through me. But the other guy threw another Pokéball onto the ground, revealing a Kadabra.

    “It’s not over yet.” He smirked, looking like he had already won. “I was just switching.”

    I called out Grimer again, who seemed to shrink at the site of Kadabra. I don’t blame him, the thing looked like pretty creepy.

    “Poison Gas!” I called, hoping to get a quick defeat. This would be a tough fight, I was sure of that much, but I was sure it would be worth it. A purple haze floated over and circled Kadabra, closing in on it. Afterwards, it seemed to get paler, and started coughing. Poisoning it made it easier.

    “Psychic.” The other Trainer said, seeming unmoved by what I had done to his Pokémon. The Kadabra’s eyes started glowing a deep blue, and Grimer was suddenly high in the sky, being controlled by Kadabra. It flung him into the ground a couple times, up and down, before finally setting him down. Grimer looked weary and sort of nauseous after that, and I could tell I would have to throw in the towel soon if I didn’t do something quick. I glanced over to the group of people watching outside of the restaurant entrance, gasping at the state of Grimer, while Kadabra, although still coughing and wheezing, was still up.

    “Hyper Beam!” I cried out, knowing that this would finish the battle. I had heard this was a strong ass move, pretty much wiping out anything in its path. I shot a smirk over to the other Trainer, who started laughing. I didn’t get it, and then realized why, as Grimer was looking at me with a confused look on its face.

    “Please. Did you honestly think a Pokémon like yours would know a move like that? Pathetic.” I heard laughs from the audience, who suddenly stopped as they saw me look at them. Did I really look that menacing?

    “Kadabra, finish it, Psychic.”

    I knew one more Psychic would destroy the thing, Grimer already looking pretty frail. I pulled out my Pokéball to recall Grimer before Kadabra could attack, which got me shocked looks from the Trainer and the audience. I didn’t care. I wouldn’t lose.

    I could see the anger in the other Trainer’s face. “Hey you fucker! You can’t do that!”

    I didn’t have time to respond. His cronies were already advancing on me. I tucked the Pokéball in my belt and darted away. I looked back, and all three were on me, with the audience retreating back inside, most of them I’m sure still disappointed.

    The tricky part here was that these were guys like me, thugs who grew up on these streets. Running away was usually never a problem for me. I knew these streets like the back of my hand, every landmark, county, alleyway, hiding spot, you name it. But I’m sure wherever I went, these guys would find me. Not like that made me stop, I slipped through all the alleyways until I thought I lost them.

    By the time I was sure they were gone, it was already 3 in the afternoon. I was breathing hard, and pretty angry. I threw the Pokéball out onto the ground in anger, and unexpectedly, Grimer popped out.

    “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I yelled at it, while it merely blinked at me. “I put you up against all those wild Pokémon, and you do good no doubt. But the moment we fucking fight someone, you screw up?! You stupid piece of SHIT!”

    Grimer, seemed to sink down, sucking its eyeballs into the rest of its sludge body, so it couldn’t see me. I saw it literally shrink and sulk, but I was too angry to feel guilty.

    “Get back into the fucking ball.” I yelled, swinging the Pokéball out and watching it dissolve into those little white specks.

    I was too angry to train, and didn’t feeling like heading home just yet. I pulled out a joint, and lit it up. It was too early to head home, so I walked out into the open, and roamed the streets. I started thinking, about now, about the future. About this little bomb that pretty much ruined my whole fucking life. Why was I so cocky that night? Why did I just assume I could do it? Questions I hadn’t asked myself, suddenly flooded my head.

    This “defeat” was going to be one of many, I was sure. But I wasn’t used to losing. I didn’t understand how I could lose. I had a Pokémon, that I knew was a pretty good Pokémon, and I knew I had invested a lotta time into training. I had that book that pretty much told me everything I needed to know. What was I missing? It didn’t make sense. I was putting in everything needed.

    I exhaled, watching the smoke come out and whirl into different shapes. For a moment, I looked around, the people passing by, the shops lining the streets. It was home. It felt good. Saffron had a way of doing that to you. No matter how shitty it was, it was the only place you knew, the only place you wanted to be. The old brick buildings, cars and buildings lined with graffiti, people laughing and hanging out at the nearest restaurant or shop. Even as a kid, going out to visit other family members that didn’t live here, I always couldn’t wait to be home.

    I sighed, and let the city fill my thoughts. I wiped away the negative thoughts, even though they still hung around and the questions still frightened me. I ran a hand over the bulge on my chest, which was pretty much unidentifiable cause of all the layers I had on hidin’ it. I was in a desperate situation, but that meant I needed to take bigger steps. Those questions and thoughts always bothered me after that, but I did my best to brush them away.

    I saw the sun beginning to set, giving the sky a light orange tint. I decided to head home when the phone I was given began to ring in my pocket. I picked it up and heard a familiar British accent.

    “Hello Nate. Just calling to let you know that your flight leaves tomorrow.”

    “Flight?” I said, not having a damn clue what he was going on about.

    “To Pewter? For you battle? I trust you have a Pokémon now, am I right?”

    “Yeah, I got one.” I responded, looking down again at the metal sphere. I felt a pang of guilt as I remembered how I yelled at Grimer.

    “Perfect. Tomorrow at 3:30 PM. Saffron Airport. Got it?”

    “Yep,” I said as I exhaled smoke, “All clear.”

    “Great. Speak to you soon.”

    And with that, the Charlie guy was gone. I swung open the door to my apartment and staggered in. After a mediocre dinner, I plopped myself down on the couch and picked up the book again. I needed to become better. And faster. Pretty soon, I’d have to face a real Gym Leader. And losing would only get me killed

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