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  1. #1
    Dragon Trainer Donyor's Avatar
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    Default Dagmar Manili (Ready for Grading)

    Chapter 1


    Chapter 1


    I first arrived in the region of Pryrgz in a small fishing town. The whole place smelled of fish. I really hate fish. Most of the houses were more like shacks, but everyone seemed happy. Children were playing on the streets, Glameows and Wingulls looked well fed. I suspected that the Glameows had resorted to stealing, maybe the Wingulls too. I walked quickly and kept my face down. There might be thugs around and my rich life would make me a target. After about five minutes of walking past shacks and fishermen walking towards the harbor I saw what I had come her for.
    The huge dojo was the home Irisgul Makanov, the greatest martial artist in the entire world. But he didn’t advertise himself. He could bring many tourists and students to his village, pouring money into it, if he wanted to. But maybe that was why he didn’t, it would severely change the way of life in his village. I kept my head down and was absorbed in my thoughts, maybe this is why I didn’t see the Staraptors and Starvia’s flying above me.
    Suddenly I heard some one screaming, “They’re coming, I knew Irisgul shouldn’t have challenged them!” Then the person hurtled past me, nearly colliding with me.
    I muttered under my breath, “Why are people so rude now a days?” I was soon to find out. Suddenly from the sky three Blazikens fell. The destroyed the roof of the house they landed on. The thatched roof could not stand the combined weight and speed of the three Blazikens, it collapsed the Blazikens quickly jump out of the roofless house with their powerful legs. Then about 10 Combuskens, fell also with a nod from the Blazikens they ran towards the dojo. They began low-jump kicking at the foundation. Soon the Blazikens joined them and the whole dojo collapsed. As it collapsed little balls of fire fell from the sky. When they hit the wooden dojo it started to burst into flame.
    “Irisgul!’ the cry escaped my mouth. I began running towards the dojo. I went into the window farthest from the burning areas.
    “Master Irisgul,” I called. No answer. I began frantically searching the ruined building. I began tossing beams of roofing away as I searched. I had been training for several years as a martial artist. My muscles were large, but even so, so much work in such a short time was tiring me out. I had to find Master Irisgul soon. The flames were spreading, and getting closer. I could here them crackling now. Then I saw him. Knocked out by a roof beam he was laying on the ground. Extremely close to the flames, I knew what I had to do. I held my breath and went in. After lifting the roof beam off him I began to drag him out. He was a big man, maybe about 30 years old. His build was the same as a normal martial artist, but his clothes were more like a thug’s. His clothes consisted of black loose-fitting sweats, and a black sleeveless shirt. I thought he would be in a kimono. I slowly be surely began dragging him. But the fire was faster. If I were to succeed I would need help. I dropped my hand to my belt and grabbed the classic red and white sphere. I activated it and threw it just a little to my left. After the white flash a Manchamp appeared.
    “Pick him up,” I ordered. The Manchamp didn’t even blink. He hoisted the stout man into the air and looked at me for more instructions. Why didn’t I think of this before? I thought. The fire was now uncomfortably close. Then I heard a small chirping sound. I turned and saw a small Torchic. It was dripping with something black and had a blackened vine trailing off it.
    “Oh, how little guy,” I cooed. “Are you ok? Did you get caught in this big bad fire?” I thought he was one of Irisgul’s student’s pokémon. Suddenly it spouted a giant tongue of flame at me, using the move flamethrower. Then I knew what the little fire balls falling from the sky had been, Torchics! They must have been wrapped in vines that had been soaked in oil. Then when the time came they leapt off their Starvias and lit themselves on fire. I knew what I had to do.
    “Run!” I yelled to Manchamp. Both him and me began running as fast we could. I could here more chirping sounds above the crackling of the fire. When I looked back I saw a mob of Torchic chasing us. Occasionally one would flap its wings and fly a bit, but for the most part they just ran. That was our advantage, they had numbers, but we had speed. Soon we were out of the burning ruins. As soon as the Torchics were in the open Starvias swooped down and scooped them up. I sighed in relief.
    “You can set him down now,” I told Manchamp. After he did so, I pulled out my pokéball, activated it, and threw it at him. The was a flash of white light and the small sphere bounced back to me. Now with a Manchamp inside, pokéballs were truly amazing things. Their ability to turn pokémon into energy and store them made them extremely useful. I was interested in technology, and so was lost in thought thinking about pokéballs.
    We brought me back into the world was a soft growl. It was dark now. I couldn’t see much. I must have fallen asleep. What had made the growl? I wondered. Then I saw one. It was a Poochenya. My Manchamp could crush a Poochenya. This will be an easy fight. I thought. I was wrong.
    I spotted another one, then another, and another. More kept coming, and with each one that revealed it self I got more and more afraid. In totally this pack was about 30 strong. Way to strong for my Manchamp alone, I sighed. But it was reasons like this I had more pokémon.
    “Go Medicam, Go Manchamp!” I called as encouragement as I pulled the two spheres out. Manchamp immediately launched into brick break. With four arms this was a devastating move. Medicam used low-jump kick and knocked out a Poochenya. I had trained hard and long. My pokémon could handle five, ten, or even fifteen Poochenyas, but not 30. My pokémon took the Poochenyas out in ones in twos. Put for each Poochenya they took out a new wave of attacks crashed on them. I was protecting Irisgul with my body. Despite the number against them my pokémon were doing well. There were only about 10 Poochenyas left after half-hour. But then the remaining Poochenyas let out an ear-splitting yowl. A few minutes later a distant, answering call could be heard. My pokémon stopped for a minute, to let me heal them, and then went on fighting with new vigor. But then the waves came. Hundreds of them, Poochenyas came flowing in from the surrounding area. But I hadn’t beat the elite four with luck. I grabbed a third sphere.
    “Go Lucario!” I cried. The blue pokémon stood majestically for a second, waiting for a command.
    “Mass Sphere Combo,” I ordered. It was a risky move, but we had practiced it so often. I had to work! Lucario charged up and aura sphere while the other two protected him. Then he fired it high into the air. That was the signal. All three of them leapt into the air. Medicam and Manchamp began attacking the sphere, being careful to hit it at a certain angle as not to hurt themselves. The sphere split into many smaller spheres flying in all directions. Lucario floated above the sphere, a blue aura gathered around him. It seemed to go in the form of beams to the mini-aura spheres. As the beams hit each one the aura festered a long it like tiny, blue flames. When they got to a certain size Manchamp and Medicam began attacking them again. Soon hundreds of spheres began crashing into the ranks of the Poochenyas. Within minutes none of them were left standing. It had worked!
    “Good job guys,” I congratulated my pokémon. Then I pulled out their spheres, first Manchamp’s, then Medicam’s. But before I could pull out Lucario’s I heard a soft growl, like the first one but weaker, like a hurt creature. I turned and saw that one Poochenya was standing up. It was battered and wounded but still fighting. I immediately wanted this little tough pokémon.
    “Use Hypnosis,” I ordered Lucario. Lucario’s eyes lit up in a glowing pink. The Poochenya began swaying from side to side, before it finally fell asleep. I pulled out an Ultra Ball and threw it at the sleeping Poochenya. I held my breath in apprehension. It wiggle from side-to-side once, then twice, then a third time, then it clicked and the sphere bounced back to my hand.
    “Yesssss,” I said softly. The Poochenya was mine. As I sat down next to Irisgul waiting for him to wake up I thought of my childhood. How I had reached the point where I could defeat hundreds of pokémon with only three.

    Tell me what you think of it. Second chapter coming soon!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Dagmar Manili (Ready for Grading)

    Quote Originally Posted by Donyor View Post
    Chapter 1


    Chapter 1


    I first arrived in the region of Pryrgz in a small fishing town. The whole place smelled of fish. I really hate fish. Most of the houses were more like shacks, but everyone seemed happy. Children were playing on the streets, Glameows and Wingulls looked well fed. I suspected that the Glameows had resorted to stealing, maybe the Wingulls too. I walked quickly and kept my face down. There might be thugs around and my rich life would make me a target. After about five minutes of walking past shacks and fishermen walking towards the harbor I saw what I had come her for.
    Not a bad opening but it just doesn't follow. You seem to be jumping all over the place. If you can make this follow better it will be a great opening paragraph. In the last sentence here is misspelled.
    The huge dojo was the home Irisgul Makanov, the greatest martial artist in the entire world. But he didn’t advertise himself. He could bring many tourists and students to his village, pouring money into it, if he wanted to. But maybe that was why he didn’t, it would severely change the way of life in his village. I kept my head down and was absorbed in my thoughts, maybe this is why I didn’t see the Staraptors and Starvia’s flying above me.This is a good paragraph it folws better and gives more background info.
    Suddenly I heard some one screaming, “They’re coming, I knew Irisgul shouldn’t have challenged them!” Then the person hurtled past me, nearly colliding with me.
    I muttered under my breath, “Why are people so rude now a days?” I was soon to find out. Suddenly from the sky three Blazikens fell. The destroyed the roof of the house they landed on. The thatched roof could not stand the combined weight and speed of the three Blazikens, it collapsed the Blazikens quickly jump out of the roofless house with their powerful legs. Then about 10 Combuskens, fell also with a nod from the Blazikens they ran towards the dojo. They began low-jump kicking at the foundation. Soon the Blazikens joined them and the whole dojo collapsed. As it collapsed little balls of fire fell from the sky. When they hit the wooden dojo it started to burst into flame. Again the flow seems a bit off. If you can make it flow better it will make another better paragraph.
    “Irisgul!’ the cry escaped my mouth. I began running towards the dojo. I went into the window farthest from the burning areas.
    “Master Irisgul,” I called. No answer. I began frantically searching the ruined building. I began tossing beams of roofing away as I searched. I had been training for several years as a martial artist. My muscles were large, but even so, so much work in such a short time was tiring me out. I had to find Master Irisgul soon. The flames were spreading, and getting closer. I could here them crackling now. Then I saw him. Knocked out by a roof beam he was laying on the ground. Extremely close to the flames, I knew what I had to do. I held my breath and went in. After lifting the roof beam off him I began to drag him out. He was a big man, maybe about 30 years old. His build was the same as a normal martial artist, but his clothes were more like a thug’s. His clothes consisted of black loose-fitting sweats, and a black sleeveless shirt. I thought he would be in a kimono. I slowly be surely began dragging him. But the fire was faster. If I were to succeed I would need help. I dropped my hand to my belt and grabbed the classic red and white sphere. I activated it and threw it just a little to my left. After the white flash a Manchamp appeared. This is a good one it flows fairly well. The problem I saw with this one was the Manchamp it should be Machamp.
    “Pick him up,” I ordered. The Manchamp didn’t even blink. He hoisted the stout man into the air and looked at me for more instructions. Why didn’t I think of this before? I thought. The fire was now uncomfortably close. Then I heard a small chirping sound. I turned and saw a small Torchic. It was dripping with something black and had a blackened vine trailing off it. The "Way didn't I think of this before" seems a bit out of place it just isn't clear what his is thinking about.
    “Oh, how little guy,” I cooed. “Are you ok? Did you get caught in this big bad fire?” I thought he was one of Irisgul’s student’s pokémon. Suddenly it spouted a giant tongue of flame at me, using the move flamethrower. Then I knew what the little fire balls falling from the sky had been, Torchics! They must have been wrapped in vines that had been soaked in oil. Then when the time came they leapt off their Starvias and lit themselves on fire. I knew what I had to do.This paragraph flows well so not a lot to fix here.
    “Run!” I yelled to Manchamp. Both him and me began running as fast we could. I could here more chirping sounds above the crackling of the fire. When I looked back I saw a mob of Torchic chasing us. Occasionally one would flap its wings and fly a bit, but for the most part they just ran. That was our advantage, they had numbers, but we had speed. Soon we were out of the burning ruins. As soon as the Torchics were in the open Starvias swooped down and scooped them up. I sighed in relief.This ones flows well I think a bit better flow wouldn't hurt it.
    “You can set him down now,” I told Manchamp. After he did so, I pulled out my pokéball, activated it, and threw it at him. The was a flash of white light and the small sphere bounced back to me. Now with a Manchamp inside, pokéballs were truly amazing things. Their ability to turn pokémon into energy and store them made them extremely useful. I was interested in technology, and so was lost in thought thinking about pokéballs. A good paragraph. You have many spelling a capitalization problems though.
    We brought me back into the world was a soft growl. It was dark now. I couldn’t see much. I must have fallen asleep. What had made the growl? I wondered. Then I saw one. It was a Poochenya. My Manchamp could crush a Poochenya. This will be an easy fight. I thought. I was wrong.
    I spotted another one, then another, and another. More kept coming, and with each one that revealed it self I got more and more afraid. In totally this pack was about 30 strong. Way to strong for my Manchamp alone, I sighed. But it was reasons like this I had more pokémon. Not bad. You have more spelling problems btu over all a good job.
    “Go Medicam, Go Manchamp!” I called as encouragement as I pulled the two spheres out. Manchamp immediately launched into brick break. With four arms this was a devastating move. Medicam used low-jump kick and knocked out a Poochenya. I had trained hard and long. My pokémon could handle five, ten, or even fifteen Poochenyas, but not 30. My pokémon took the Poochenyas out in ones in twos. Put for each Poochenya they took out a new wave of attacks crashed on them. I was protecting Irisgul with my body. Despite the number against them my pokémon were doing well. There were only about 10 Poochenyas left after half-hour. But then the remaining Poochenyas let out an ear-splitting yowl. A few minutes later a distant, answering call could be heard. My pokémon stopped for a minute, to let me heal them, and then went on fighting with new vigor. But then the waves came. Hundreds of them, Poochenyas came flowing in from the surrounding area. But I hadn’t beat the elite four with luck. I grabbed a third sphere. This is a good paragraph. It follows fairly well and you don't have many spelling problems.
    “Go Lucario!” I cried. The blue pokémon stood majestically for a second, waiting for a command.
    “Mass Sphere Combo,” I ordered. It was a risky move, but we had practiced it so often. I had to work! Lucario charged up and aura sphere while the other two protected him. Then he fired it high into the air. That was the signal. All three of them leapt into the air. Medicam and Manchamp began attacking the sphere, being careful to hit it at a certain angle as not to hurt themselves. The sphere split into many smaller spheres flying in all directions. Lucario floated above the sphere, a blue aura gathered around him. It seemed to go in the form of beams to the mini-aura spheres. As the beams hit each one the aura festered a long it like tiny, blue flames. When they got to a certain size Manchamp and Medicam began attacking them again. Soon hundreds of spheres began crashing into the ranks of the Poochenyas. Within minutes none of them were left standing. It had worked! Just a few spelling problems in this paragraph.
    “Good job guys,” I congratulated my pokémon. Then I pulled out their spheres, first Manchamp’s, then Medicam’s. But before I could pull out Lucario’s I heard a soft growl, like the first one but weaker, like a hurt creature. I turned and saw that one Poochenya was standing up. It was battered and wounded but still fighting. I immediately wanted this little tough pokémon.
    “Use Hypnosis,” I ordered Lucario. Lucario’s eyes lit up in a glowing pink. The Poochenya began swaying from side to side, before it finally fell asleep. I pulled out an Ultra Ball and threw it at the sleeping Poochenya. I held my breath in apprehension. It wiggle from side-to-side once, then twice, then a third time, then it clicked and the sphere bounced back to my hand. More spelling problems.
    “Yesssss,” I said softly. The Poochenya was mine. As I sat down next to Irisgul waiting for him to wake up I thought of my childhood. How I had reached the point where I could defeat hundreds of pokémon with only three.

    Tell me what you think of it. Second chapter coming soon!
    Over all it was a good Chapter. You just need to work on your flow.
    and here a a guide on spelling and capitalization I found on Bulbapedia

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  3. #3
    Dragon Trainer Donyor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dagmar Manili (Ready for Grading)

    Chapter 2

    I was born in Dewford Town. Everyone there idolized Brawly, well except for my neighbor, but he was the son of an elite four trainer, and he idolized his father. Because we were so far from Professor Birch we were given pokémon by Brawly. Everyone wanted to be like Brawly, it seemed everyone had seen or heard something that made them resolve to be a Fighting-Type trainer. I remember when it happened to me. I was walking by the Town Hall. We have no pokémart in Dewford Town so we have to buy from the merchants who come on the ships. I often had to go and buy stuff in my younger years.
    Anyway, as I was walking by I heard an old man telling a story. No one knew his name; no one knew where he slept, or where he bought food. Most of the day he sat at the town hall and told stories. He had already started several trends. Most of the time there were only little kids gathered around him, but today some older kids were also listening to his story. I was intrigued so I went over and began listening. It was an amazing story, so amazing that I stopped to listen and then wrote every word of it down.
    “Once upon a time, when the world was new,” the old man began, “it was ruled by pokémon. It was easy for them to do this because all the regions were on one continent. In fact they were all known as one region called Pokéasia. Pokéasia was divided up into 17 oblasts, or areas. A Pokémon League ruled each of these areas. Now not the normal league you are thinking of. Not one of the ones we have now, these were the original leagues. They consisted entirely of pokémon. There were five members to each league. Powerful fighting pokémon. Four were called the “Elite Four” and the fifth was called the “Champion.” Does that sound familiar? This is where the current pokémon leagues came from, though nobody remembers.
    “Now back to the main story! These Pokémon Leagues oppressed people and other pokémon. They made them work all day, producing food and luxuries, which were loaded up into ships and carried away. Of course the Pokémon Leagues and their cronies kept some of the produce too. Every day when the people and pokémon went out to work a Pokémon League’s cronies would watch them. They were called overseers, they supposedly made sure no one got “hurt” and no one was dying of hunger. But really they made sure that no one stole anything. They wished to make sure that everyone felt beaten down and weak.
    “There was only one way to get up in that world, it was to become either one of a Pokémon League or one of their cronies. To become a crony you were mean, cruel acted like you were above others. That wasn’t too hard, but the punishment of being caught being nice was harsh. And of course being a crony only meant you got less work and a few spoils. It was far more rewarding to become part of a Pokémon League. However, that was not easy. To become part of a Pokémon League you first had to defeat all the league members. Once you had done this you had to beat the member of the Elite Four that the Champion liked least. Since you had to have already beat the pokémon the Champion’s least favorite usually got kicked out of the league. The only we the Champion could get kicked out is if the rest of the league rose up against him.
    “Sorry, I keep getting distracted!” The old man looked a bit sheepish, then continued. “Finally both pokémon and humans could take no more of the Leagues. They rose up against them. There were many more oppressed pokémon than there were League members so the League members would have been beaten, but,” The old man paused for dramatic effect, “the league members sent a distress call to the head league, the League of Legends. Legendary pokémon came to the aid of the leagues and defeated the up risers. Thousands of pokémon and humans were killed. But it was the start of the world we know today. For the first time people and pokémon had worked together. After the uprising, known as the Legendary Uprising for several reasons, people and pokémon were forced to go back to being oppressed. But some didn’t give up hope that Pokéasia could be freed. Eight of these began training with pokémon in secret. These eight soon became powerful fighters, trained by fighting pokémon in the ways of martial arts. They started the Uprising of the Eight by challenging the Rock League, did I mention that each league was biased towards one type, and the pokémon that the league ruled over were either also of this type or weak to it? Never mind, any way with their type advantage and fighting type friends the Eight defeated the Rock League. They freed the rock oblast and blew courage into the hearts of the people and pokémon of the other oblasts. Uprisings started everywhere, and the Eight conquered one league after another. Finally the last league unconquered, the Flying League, sent a distress call to the League of Legends. The Legendaries came again, but this time the creatures of Pokéasia were prepared. Hundreds of Pokémon fought against the legendaries, while the Eight conquered the Flying League.
    Finally one of the legendaries, Ho-oh, stopped the fighting, ‘Halt!’ He called. ‘Bring your champions forward; they will fight us in pairs, two of them for every one of us. If they succeed we will return to our oblast, but if we succeed they will be banished and the leagues will be restored.’ After much fighting and arguing the creatures Pokéasia decided that this was fair. The Eight were brought forward, and they began fighting against the Legends. The battle was hard and long, the Legends had power but the Eight had numbers. The Eight’s power was legendary, they defeated the Legends one by one until they had to fight the Legendary Birds and their master, Ho-oh, the one who started the battle. It was a truly epic fight, with Thunder, Fire, and Ice flying everywhere. One by one the birds fell until Ho-oh was left standing with eight against him. With a mighty roar he crashed into the ground, causing a rainbow to come out of the hole. This rainbow then ran a long the oblast borders. Where the rainbow was a crack formed, and one by one the oblasts split a part slowly floating apart by the power of the legends. Some of them stayed near each other, such as Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh. Others, like Unova were completely separated. In each region pokémon of all types were found, because the uprising mixed them up. Because of the uprising people and pokémon began working together and pokémon trainers were born. The Eight set themselves as the first Gym Leaders in all the regions, for in the beginning the regions had close contact with each other. But as time went on the Eight began to die and the regions stopped communicating with each other. So Ho-oh’s dying wish was finally completed.” The old man looked very sad when he said this. “But there is still hope, one member of the Eight still lives, and is young. He caught a Jirachi and it gave him eternal youngness as a reward. But there was a consequence, he would cause great harm to his home, and he would still die. His name is Irisgul Makanov, he is said to live in one of the lost regions, known as Pryrgz.
    “And the 18 oblast, the oblast of legends remains to be discovered,” the old man ended. Then suddenly as if he had been wakened from a dream, he looked around and shooed us away, “Go, go, there will be more stories tomorrow!” he cried. It was right then that I knew I wanted to be like the Eight. I wanted to be a Fighting-type trainer. I happily trotted off to do my errand, I didn’t think of the scolding I would get at home for lazing around.
    I was seven when that happened. For three years I nourished my dream, it seemed more and more possible as time when on. In Dewford Town, because we were so far from any professors, Brawly gave us our starter pokémon. He was actually very emotional and what pokémon he gave you as a starter reflected what he thought of you.
    On my tenth birthday, right after breakfast, as soon as I had finished my chores, I ran to the gym. I rushed pass all the trainers waiting for challengers. They all knew me, and besides no one but a ten year-old would not activate the darkness that makes challengers challenged even before the get to Brawly. It seemed I could not navigate the gyms maze fast enough, when I finally got there I kneeled breathless before Brawly. He must have wished he could have laughed out loud, this passionate 10-year-old kneeling before him.
    “Are you ready to be a Pokémon Trainer?” Brawly asked, starting the traditional Dewford Town “Becoming a Trainer” ceremony.
    “Yes, master,” I answered.
    “Do you promise to always take care of pokémon? Do you promise to battle fair?” Brawly questioned.
    “I do,” I promised.
    “Then it is an honor to give you your first pokémon!” Brawly said. Then he reached down to his belt and pulled out a pokéball he threw me the pokéball. I couldn’t.
    “Dagmar Manili, let’s start our first battle!” He cried. Brawly pulled out Bronzor, it was well known that young trainers first Brawly the battle is heavily biased in their favor. That fact the Bronzor appeared made me very hopeful. After all Fighting-Type were super-effective against steel type. But I should have thought, Bronzor is also Psychic type, which is super-effective against Fighting-Type.
    But I didn’t think, I had my hopes very high when I activated the pokéball and threw it. The light flashed, I was so excited I almost couldn’t look to see what it was. But when the light was gone I was disappointed. The pokémon before was a Vulpix! Of course, I could have smacked my head. Of course, Bronzor was also weak to Fire-Types!
    The battle was easy, Bronzor didn’t use very good moves, and Vulpix actually did have some pretty good moves. But even so my spirits were very low as I left the gym. I didn’t know why Brawly had not given me a Fighting-Type pokémon. But I do now. Anyway I immediately headed for the cave to find Machop. As soon as I walked in a hiker hailed me.
    “Come on young n’ and let’s fight!” he called. Of course I had to oblige. He sent out Graveler, and I of course sent out Vulpix. Vulpix ran up to Graveler and screamed in its ear, using screech. Unfortunately Graveler’s sense of hearing is fairly bad, so it didn’t have much effect. Then Graveler threw itself into the air it came crashing to the ground and caused an earthquake, quickly knocking out the lower leveled Vulpix. I was so devastated by the fact that I would have to give all my money to this Trainer, that I didn’t notice the rock flying towards my head. I felt something smashing against my head, and then all went black…

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