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  1. #1
    aka the fireflies guy Vanillish Twilight's Avatar
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    Default CS Adventures

    Author's note: I finally found the courage to post something. Uh, this was actually supposed to be a one-shot kind of thing but apparently my brain had other ideas and it is now mentally writing chapter 2 (but you'd probably wait a while for it) Feedback is greatly appreciated. Like how is my writing style? What do you think about the characters? Are there any grammar or spelling mistakes? What do you feel that I could improve on?

    Anyways, this is technically my first fanfic and I hope it doesn't bore you to death, at the very least.



    Chapter 1- Castelia Sewers


    Castelia Sewers has quite a reputation, not only does it reek like well, a sewer, but it is infamous for housing a rather large rattata and zubat population; the few trainers who dare explore its depths have to bring a whole backpack full of max repels.

    “Ugh...stupid zubat,” Callie muttered as she swatted it away before spraying it full in the face with a repel. She tried hard to avoid the puddles on the floor as she walked but her efforts were in vain, soon even her socks were soaked with sewer water. After about an hour's worth of walking, she reached the stairs.

    “Whose bright idea was it to put Castelia Park all the way out here, anyway?” she said as she climbed the steps. It was a breath of fresh air, literally, as a gust of wind ruffled her short brown hair. The sunlight was almost blinding compared to the darkness of the sewers. No grime, no sewer pipes, no sewer water; it was a huge relief. Castelia Park was a square of grass, slightly larger than the average pokémon center, bordered with flowering shrubs and inhabited by other vegetation and various species of pokémon. Callie spent the next couple of hours walking around, the tall grass scratching her ankles.

    *sigh* It's another eevee hunter, isn't it? No one ever comes for us, do they?

    After a moment's silence of watching the human walk around a pine tree, Rattata spoke again.

    Zubat?

    Yes?

    Why don't people like us? Why do they always spray us with those things? What did we ever do to them?

    I don't know, Rattata, I don't know... Humans are cruel beings.

    Do you think, perhaps, we should come out of the bushes and-

    NO!


    Rattata flinched, then after getting the courage to speak again, said I'm sorry...it was just an idea...

    I'm sorry I seemed a bit harsh, Rattata, it's just that you said it yourself; people don't like us. It's best to remain hidden in the shadows of the trees where we would not be an annoyance to anyone.

    I thought perhaps this human was different from the others...

    What makes you think so? No, there's nothing special about this one, just another eevee hunter like you said. Anyway, would you please fetch the berries? We could eat while enjoying the show
    , Zubat said while gesturing to the spot where the human was still fruitlessly walking around in circles. Rattata was about to protest that Zubat didn't even have eyes to watch anything but decided against it.

    “I give up!” Callie said, throwing up her arms in defeat. She was covered in grass, clearly exhausted and so drenched in sweat, her t-shirt stuck to her back. She unslung her backpack and unzipped the front pocket. Her casteliacone had melted, this day just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?

    Oh dear, the human looks so sad...

    Rattata, have you forgotten the mistreatment our kind has experienced at the hands of the humans? Do not waste your sympathy.


    Eevee hunting was really stressing but after resting a while beneath a pine tree, Callie felt better. She got up. “I should probably just leave now...but surely one last try couldn't hurt?” she thought to herself. Picking a patch of grass at random, she walked into it. Nothing happened. Disappointed, she walked back dejectedly towards the stairs and disappeared down the steps into Castelia Sewers.

    I'm glad she didn't find anything. I've heard stories, Rattata. Stories about our kind getting kidnapped, dragged away from their homes, then used as “HM slaves” for the benefit of the humans. They are never loved, humans only see them as tools to do dirty work.

    Zubat, what's an "HM"?

    I do not know exactly but the word “slaves” is in it too so it's definitely not a good thing. I would not like our brethren to suffer such an unjust fate.


    The next morning, she returned.

    Ugh, I thought the human gave up already.

    She must really like eevee-

    Or perhaps self-torture
    muttered Zubat

    -if she's willing to go through that again, Rattata continued.

    Everyday, the human returned, and everyday the results were the same: she left disappointed, sweaty and without an eevee.

    With each failed attempt, this human becomes more and more amusing.

    It doesn't feel right, though...

    What doesn't feel right?

    Laughing at someone else's failures, human or not, failures are not something we should laugh about.

    You've gone soft, Rattata, haven't you? You have, perhaps, grown fond of the human?

    No, no, of course not!

    You're lying!

    Well, maybe a bit-

    Ok, that's the last straw. I'm done with you, I'm leaving.

    Wait, Zubat, don't go! Let me explain first!


    It's too late, Rattata. Zubat said, his voice shaking with rage. How could Ratatta, his best friend, side with a human? The wind generated by his abrupt departure knocked Rattata back against a tree.


    ```````````


    Zubat regretted flying away from Rattata, but he was so mad at the time he couldn't think straight. He was not paying attention to where he was going, bumped into a pine tree and was knocked unconcious.

    The next thing he knew, he woke up with a headache. He was only vaguely aware of his surroundings. It was quite cold but he was pretty sure it wasn't winter yet. He could hear unfamiliar sounds around him, the beeping of machines? A strange ca-ching sound? Conversations? He sent out ultrasonic waves, desperate to know; where the heck was he? (Plus, why did his wings feel weird?) When the sounds bounced back, he could not believe his ears. He was enclosed in a place with walls and a roof. There were also several strange shapes he could not identify, although he had a nagging suspicion that they were furniture, but he refused to believe it... How was it possible? How could he have ended up in a human dwelling?

    Callie saw the zubat began to stir.

    “How are you feeling?”

    Realizing that he was indeed kidnapped by a human, Zubat attempted to flap his wings but found that he could not lift them at all, they seemed to be encased in something.

    “It's ok, just rest, you'll feel better soon.”

    He wanted to protest, to fly away and return to the sewers, to go back to Rattata, but he was too exhausted to do anything and eventually, he drifted off to sleep.

    Callie felt slightly guilty like somehow the whole thing was her fault...plus the fact that she was unkind towards zubats in general. But whether or not it was her fault wouldn't change the fact that she's responsible for this zubat; well, until its wings heal, at the very least. She thanked the nurse for all her help, (especially since putting casts on wings is extremely difficult) then stood up. She walked past the pokémart clerks who were putting money in the register, and out the airconditioned pokémon center.

    As she strolled through Castelia's streets, she wondered what could be a good nickname for a bat pokémon. Callie suddenly stopped as a thought struck her.

    "Welcome to the team, Ender," she whispered to the zubat sleeping in her arms.

    ---------------------------------


    EDIT: I wasn't sure whether I should make a new post or not so I'm just gonna edit this. It might take weeks for me to finish writing chapter 2 but I will post it, I did not abandon this fic.
    Last edited by Vanillish Twilight; 26th March 2013 at 12:03 AM.

  2. #2
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: CS Adventures

    To start with, welcome to the Workshop, and congratulations on writing your first Fanfiction!

    And a pretty good start, nevertheless. I can't really comment much on the plot, but it seems that this will follow either Callie or Ender; I don't doubt that Rattata will join them eventually, but I have a feeling the story won't be focused on him as much as the other characters.

    Golbat evolves to Crobat through friendship, and the fact that Ender is very mistrusting and prejudiced against humans could create an interesting dynamic between him and Callie. Maybe Rattata, being so accepting and sympathetic towards humans, will be an integral part of changing Ender's notion. In addition, two of Eevee's evolutions require friendship, and again, wonderful potential for the characters; that is, of course, assuming Callie is after an Eevee, which I am skeptical about. It's obvious Callie isn't the ideal "Love all Pokémon" type of trainer, but as we saw with Ender, she is willing to help Pokémon selflessly when the need arises.

    Aside from that, I don't have much to say, since it is only the first chapter, and quite a short one at that. Regarding the technical stuff, the name of a Pokémon in plural isn't changed, so "Zubats" should be just "Zubat". You also neglected to capitalise some names, but that can be your personal choice.

    What I found ridiculous though was how quickly Ender fainted. Apparently, he's quite fast, as he managed to send a gust of wind towards Rattata when he flew away, but no matter how fast he was going, it's humourous to think that hitting a tree knocked him to the ground, caused him to faint, and broke his wings.

    Anyway, good start. Keep it up!

  3. #3
    aka the fireflies guy Vanillish Twilight's Avatar
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    Default Re: CS Adventures

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuuketsuki View Post
    To start with, welcome to the Workshop, and congratulations on writing your first Fanfiction!

    And a pretty good start, nevertheless. I can't really comment much on the plot, but it seems that this will follow either Callie or Ender; I don't doubt that Rattata will join them eventually, but I have a feeling the story won't be focused on him as much as the other characters.

    Golbat evolves to Crobat through friendship, and the fact that Ender is very mistrusting and prejudiced against humans could create an interesting dynamic between him and Callie. Maybe Rattata, being so accepting and sympathetic towards humans, will be an integral part of changing Ender's notion. In addition, two of Eevee's evolutions require friendship, and again, wonderful potential for the characters; that is, of course, assuming Callie is after an Eevee, which I am skeptical about. It's obvious Callie isn't the ideal "Love all Pokémon" type of trainer, but as we saw with Ender, she is willing to help Pokémon selflessly when the need arises.

    Aside from that, I don't have much to say, since it is only the first chapter, and quite a short one at that. Regarding the technical stuff, the name of a Pokémon in plural isn't changed, so "Zubats" should be just "Zubat". You also neglected to capitalise some names, but that can be your personal choice.

    What I found ridiculous though was how quickly Ender fainted. Apparently, he's quite fast, as he managed to send a gust of wind towards Rattata when he flew away, but no matter how fast he was going, it's humourous to think that hitting a tree knocked him to the ground, caused him to faint, and broke his wings.

    Anyway, good start. Keep it up!
    Oh wow, thanks. I thought for sure I did something wrong. I neglected to capitalize zubat and rattata in some parts so you could tell between the times I was referring to the species in general or the specific rattata and zubat in the story.

    P.S. funfact: I named him Ender after the main character from Ender's Game by Scott Orson Card, it's a good book

  4. #4
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: CS Adventures

    Quote Originally Posted by PikaTuesday View Post
    I neglected to capitalize zubat and rattata in some parts so you could tell between the times I was referring to the species in general or the specific rattata and zubat in the story.
    I noticed that; it's how I came to the conclusion that it was a personal choice rather than a typo.

  5. #5
    Returns Xita's Avatar
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    Default Re: CS Adventures

    For some reason it took me halfway through the chapter to realize CS meant "Castelia Sewers." I thought it was talking about Callie, haha.

    Anyway, interesting first chapter. I'll get the grammar/punctuation out of the way first:

    Castelia Sewers has quite a reputation, not only does it reek like well, a sewer, but it is infamous for housing a rather large rattata and zubat population; the few trainers who dare explore its depths have to bring a whole backpack full of max repels.
    Mmmm, this whole sentence sounds a little awkward. I suggest maybe putting a period right at the end of "reptutation," and continuing the sentence from there? And "like" needs a comma I think.

    Callie felt slightly guilty like somehow the whole thing was her fault...plus the fact that she was unkind towards zubats in general
    I think "Callie felt slightly guilty" took care of her...well, feeling guilty. The bolded felt a little unnecessary to state.

    Or perhaps self-torture,muttered Zubat.
    -Punctuation~

    Okay taking the Grammar Nazi hat off.

    Storyline/Characters: This just the start, so obviously not much to say here. What was eye-catching was that things were told from the perspectives some of the most annoying Pokemon in the series, Zubat and Rattata. But even so, I sympathized (and felt really bad about the eevee thing because I did that exact same thing in White 2 >.<) with their issues, so good job on that. Particularly Zubat, who seemed like the "old, wise" character of the story, I really like him. I'm interested to see where Callie's journeys with Zubat (and Rattata?) will take them.

    If there's anything else I can suggest, maybe reference the characters before they speak? Maybe "From above, a wild Rattatta was observing Callie's endeavours. *and then Rattata speaks*" I dunno, I just felt like the switch to a new speaker was a bit jarring. Obviously, you do not have to do anything I'm saying. These are merely suggestions.

    Also, I appreciated your details of the areas around the characters. I didn't feel like there was too much or too little in there.

    All in all, though, good start. I believe the hardest part of writing a story is to start it, so you've already passed that step!

  6. #6
    aka the fireflies guy Vanillish Twilight's Avatar
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    Default Re: CS Adventures

    Quote Originally Posted by Xita View Post
    Storyline/Characters: This just the start, so obviously not much to say here. What was eye-catching was that things were told from the perspectives some of the most annoying Pokemon in the series, Zubat and Rattata. But even so, I sympathized (and felt really bad about the eevee thing because I did that exact same thing in White 2 >.<) with their issues, so good job on that. Particularly Zubat, who seemed like the "old, wise" character of the story, I really like him. I'm interested to see where Callie's journeys with Zubat (and Rattata?) will take them.
    I'm glad you liked the storyline (so far, at least) because I wasn't actually sure if my story was interesting enough to keep people reading, to be honest, but I wanted to do something new. lol I actually finished making a plot and chapter summary yesterday, all that's left is the actual writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xita View Post
    If there's anything else I can suggest, maybe reference the characters before they speak? Maybe "From above, a wild Rattatta was observing Callie's endeavours. *and then Rattata speaks*" I dunno, I just felt like the switch to a new speaker was a bit jarring. Obviously, you do not have to do anything I'm saying. These are merely suggestions.
    Yeah, I guess a sudden switch in speakers would be a bit jarring, as you put it. I'll keep that in mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xita View Post
    Also, I appreciated your details of the areas around the characters. I didn't feel like there was too much or too little in there.
    This is actually very reassuring. I wasn't whether I should have put more adjectives in it or not because I felt like I wasn't able to properly describe some parts, but I didn't wanna overload it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xita View Post
    Anyway, interesting first chapter. I'll get the grammar/punctuation out of the way first:

    Castelia Sewers has quite a reputation, not only does it reek like well, a sewer, but it is infamous for housing a rather large rattata and zubat population; the few trainers who dare explore its depths have to bring a whole backpack full of max repels.
    Mmmm, this whole sentence sounds a little awkward. I suggest maybe putting a period right at the end of "reptutation," and continuing the sentence from there? And "like" needs a comma I think.

    Callie felt slightly guilty like somehow the whole thing was her fault...plus the fact that she was unkind towards zubats in general
    I think "Callie felt slightly guilty" took care of her...well, feeling guilty. The bolded felt a little unnecessary to state.

    Or perhaps self-torture,muttered Zubat.
    -Punctuation~

    Okay taking the Grammar Nazi hat off.
    Thanks for the grammar tips, by the way, I'll keep them in mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xita View Post
    For some reason it took me halfway through the chapter to realize CS meant "Castelia Sewers." I thought it was talking about Callie, haha.
    Oh yeah and CS could have multiple meanings.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xita View Post
    All in all, though, good start. I believe the hardest part of writing a story is to start it, so you've already passed that step!
    Thanks ^_^

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