TEEN: Courier: The Package

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  1. #1
    Courier Alectric317's Avatar
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    Default Courier: The Package

    Hey guys and gals,
    I finally decided to write my fanfic after about a week of planning and brainstorming, the idea for the story came from a single thought while I was playing platinum and expanded it into the fic.

    Another reason that I decided to write this is that I was inspired by BlueNostalgia's fanfic, SKYRIDGE: Ted's Story - Liberation, click the name to go to that thread.

    As I have been quite busy I have only managed to write the prologue however I promise that the first couple of chapters will be up in the next 2-3 days. I'm gonna stop going on with myself now and just post the prologue.

    Hope that you like it and don't forget to comment and review it.

    Prologue

    BOOM. The door slammed shut, it's noise ricocheting off the walls and slowly fading as it charged down the corridor. The corridor itself was long, it stretched for as far as the eye could see. Its murky black tiles painted a picture on the floor, the stains and mud covering the floor as if it were a carpet. The wall was split in two by the wallpaper, a dark blue on the bottom and a faded white on the top. On the ceiling, tiles hung off and in some places were missing altogether. The long fluorescent lights shot a dim glow that barely pierced the darkness that consumed the corridor. Every now and then it flickered allowing the corridor the be engulfed in darkness. Boxes littered the floor and doorways, most of them ripped open and its contents excavated from inside. Some clothes were also scattered about, most of them ripped and full of holes.

    The man moved slowly down the corridor, his heart pounding rapidly as he crept closer to the door at the end of the corridor. He was quite short about 5'3'', he wore thick black boots and a pair of thick brown cargo pants. He wore a bulky green parker coat that had snow stuck the the fur of the hood and his matted hair was damp and frozen together by the sub zero temperatures both inside and outside. He had a pair of small round glasses perched on the end of his nose, the glasses looked like they could fall off at any moment, but they were anchored to his nose by some invisible force. He clasped in his gloved hands a small wooden box, its contents sliding about whenever the man staggered to the side. On the top of the box, a symbol was delicately carved into the lid, a triangle with a circle inside it, the rest was encrusted with ice and couldn't be made out.

    The man finally reached the end of the corridor after what felt like an eternity, and staggered through the double doors and the man found himself in a completely different room from the corridor he was just in. It was absolutely massive, the ceiling towered up into the sky and wires hung down like vines in a jungle. Sparks shot out from various electrical equipment and occasionally from one of the wires causing it wriggle about aslike a serpent if it were struggling to escape. Everything in the room was a shade of grey or silver, almost like it was trapped inside a monochrome. Tables covered most of the floor like a labyrinth and each table had pieces of rock and pot on them. Each table had a different label, some with the different dates, some with names of places such as small cities and settlements.

    The man began walking through the labyrinth of tables slowly dragging his feet behind him. He approached an another man sat on a wooden chair, he was asleep with his head flopped forward and his body slumped in the old, creaky chair. He bore the same attire as the man carrying the box however he was older, much older. He has snow white hair and bushy eyebrows, his face was wrinkled each one telling a separate story. The man with the box reached out his weathered, shaking hand and furiously began shaking the man sat on the chair.

    “Vincent” he rasped, “Vincent, wake up you fool.”

    Vincent began to stir, he slowly opened his sleep encrusted eyes and cautiously lifted his head to see his colleague leaning over him.

    “What?” he replied in a quiet pain filled tone, his voice was deep yet warm. “What is it, Andrews?”

    “We finally found it, I've got it right here in my hands” He proclaimed excitedly motioning towards his hands.

    Vincent's eyes shot wide open and he sprang from his chair excitedly, he then staggered to the left slightly the jump hadn't done his back any good. Excitement welled up inside him, he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

    “When?” Vincent inquired barely able to contain his excitement.

    “That doesn't matter right now, I'll tell you later. You know what we have to do now, don't you?” Andrews replied.

    Vincent sighed returning to his casual majestic self, “Yes I know, he said that he wanted it as soon as possible, meaning that we better get started right away.”

    Andrews nodded in agreement, but then a puzzled look washed over his face “How are we going to get this to castle quickly? We can't exactly just post it to him.”

    “I was thinking about that the other day and I've come up with a solution, we'll send it by courier” he said quite smugly.

    “Courier?” He replied, with same puzzled expression as before.

    “Yes, if anyone can deliver a package fast it's a courier and I have just the person in mind...” His voice trailed off, lost in his own thoughts.
    Last edited by Alectric317; 5th August 2011 at 10:21 AM.

  2. #2
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Package

    I thought it was very interesting. I really like that you give very good detail to the scene at hand, making sure the reader interprets what you trying to convey. I'm very intrigued and I will most certainly read the next chapter to see what happens.

  3. #3
    Impossible is only a word BlueNostalgia's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Package

    I'm honoured to be getting a mention, and I actually really rather enjoyed it! There were a few grammatical things here and there (nothing to bad though, like, some of the things are things that I still do by accident) and it was a little short (although to be fair, it is a prologue), but other than that it was great! Very descriptive, and you got a good atmosphere going. I'll give you a good, proper review when you get a few chapters up. :)
    "I can't see the end of the road anymore! But I suppose, that's part of the adventure..."

    - Danerius Jr, my best friend and greatest Pokemon Rival

  4. #4
    Courier Alectric317's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Package

    hey, thanks for the comments originally the first chapter took up 7 pages in word but I decide that it was too long and spilt it into 2 chapters. Here's the first one.

    PS: if there's grammatical or spelling mistakes, could you please point it out so that I can change them, thanks


    Chapter One

    The sun beat down, it rays illuminating everything that it touched. The warm radiance filling the world with energy, causing it to explode with life. It had barely risen and was still shooting up into the air like a giant firework blasting into the heavens above. As it rose, the shadows slowly withdrew from the valley like soldiers fleeing from a battle that they couldn't possibly win. The valley itself was a giant V shape completely covered with nature. The giant, ancient trees reached up into the air as if they were trying to pull down the sky. Bushes and grass, the perfect emerald colour, created a vast lush undergrowth teeming with all different kinds of life. A few patches of sunlight managed to infiltrate the ocean of leaves that cast a defensive line. Each little beam crashed onto the floor and created a pillar of light casting a glow that lit up the plants and Pokemon alike. A calm, quant river divided the valley in two, it's light blue water in perfect harmony with the field that surrounded the river banks. The river ran slowly, going at its own pace allowing the various water pokemon to just float along.

    Back in the forest, a bunch of Poochyena were running through the overgrown grass, their grey fur appearing as a flash to any other pokemon watching. They appeared to be chasing the one that was in front, and after a while when they had caught the one in front, the poochyena being chased changed as if they were playing a game of tag. This carried on for a while until suddenly, the one in front, distracted by a Kecleon that appeared from nowhere tripped and crashed into a tree. This tree was bigger than all the others, it was massive compared to the pathetic tooth picks that surrounded it. The trunk of the tree was so wide it was like a wooden brick wall with a thick layer of bark that acted like a piece of armour. The branches spread out in all different directions like a giant with a thousand arms, the leaves were the perfect shade of green ready to absorb every little bit of sunlight that they could get their greedy little hands on.

    A hissing noise echoed down from the tree, the unfortunate poochyena had just disturbed a sleeping Ariados. The angry bug pokemon quickly spun a thin, silver thread and rapidly descended from the tree to find the pokemon that had disturbed its soothing slumber. It's red body had black stripes running down it and its yellow legs stretched out ready to chase off the little pest that was invading it's territory. It landed on the forrest floor with a thud that echoed out into the undergrowth. The poochyena's heart raced as it watched this monstrous spider pokemon drop down and begin to chase it. The poochyena turned with lightning speed and began to run through the bushes desperately trying to escape the fate that awaited it if the ariados caught it. It's paws ached as it ran, the moss covered floor beneath it making it slightly easier to grip. It was being closely followed by the ariados who was getting closer with every waking moment, it knocked pokemon and plants aside as if they were nothing it's mind filled with anger. Then they reached a break in the forest and the poochyena sprang from the foliage and collided with a big grey object. The object looked man made, it probably consisted mostly of cement. It shot high into the sky hundreds of feet higher than anything else in the valley. It stretched from one side of the valley and had a road on the top of it. There were 3 arches to the bridge, one over the docile river and the other two over the respective halves of the valley. Posts were planted on the top of the bridge at regular intervals and ropes run between them like vines spread between trees. The poochyena terrified of this giant grey monster quickly picked itself up and scurried away with its tail between it legs, happy that it had escaped the ariados yet terrified of this new predator. The ariados then burst into the clearing, annoyed that it had lost its prey let out a booming hiss that sounded more like a scream.

    The noise pierced through the air and managed to reach all the way up to the top of the bridge. In the middle of the bridge, a boy began to stir and slowly as he gained his consciousness stood up and began dusting himself off. He wore a pair of dark blue jeans that were slightly too long for him as the bottoms of them were frayed and scuffed, he just about managed to keep them held up with a dark blue belt that was pulled very tight around his waist. He had a pair of green trainers that were well past their prime and coated with mud. He also wore a black leather jacket that had yellow patches on the elbows and near the pockets. On the back of the jacket there were marks where the leather had been rubbed and bashed along a variety of different surfaces.The jacket was unzipped revealing a black t-shirt that had a pokeball emblem on the front. He had long messy brown hair that was all over the place and covered his ears. The fringe came down to just about cover his eyebrows and a pair of goggles was over his hair anchored to his forehead. They had a grey strap and were the same shade of green as his trainers on the rims. He wiped the sleep from his dark green eyes, yawned and turned around and said in a rather tired voice,

    “What time is it?”

    His pokemon just looked at him and shook its head. The pokemon was big but not as big as its trainer who was about 5'10''. It was stood on two legs and was bipedal, it was stood like a human would be. It's body was covered in thick greyish fur except for what appeared to be it's hair which was red and ran almost to the ground.There were black bits in it's hair as well and on it's chest was also some black fur. It had crimson coloured claws that were covered in dirt and long pointy ears.

    “That's not very nice, is it? Now where's my bag, Zoroark?” He replied with the tiredness wearing off and sound more like normal.

    Zoroark dashed past him and a bit further up the bridge to where his bag lay on the ground. The bag was a black and had a flap on the front that was divided at an diagonal angle, one half was green the other yellow. The bag had a single strap which could be slung over the boy's shoulder. It looked like it was at bursting point as almost everything the boy needed was crammed into it. Zoroark grabbed the bag with it's claw and began slowly walking back to him. The boy was now fully awake and looked down at his watch on his left arm. The watch was digital and was set to the proper time, not a second too fast or a second too slow. It currently read 08:27. He sighed in relief,

    “We've still got a few minutes left, go over and keep lookout please. We've got to time this perfectly or it won't work.”

    He took the bag from his pokemon and it ran over to the other side of middle part of the bridge and began staring intensely at the river. He held the bag by the strap for moment, feeling the weight of it before he put it on the ground and carelessly threw the flap over revealing a shiny metal zip. He slowly and cautiously unzip it, listening to each little zip part being ferociously ripped apart by the zipper. He rummaged around in his bag until he found what he was looking for, and he triumphantly pulled it from the rest of his belongings. It was a big two litre bottle that had no label but contained a clear, colourless liquid. He wrestled with the top for a while before managing to open it and take a swig of liquid.

    “Ahhh, can't beat cream soda... best drink in the world” he exclaimed as he placed the bottle back into his bag and zipped it up.

    Fully recovered, his voice was warm and had a happy tone to it. Suddenly his watch began beeping and on cue, Zoroark ran over to him and pointed to the other end of the bridge. He dashed over, slinging his bag across him and set his attention to the river. A boat was slowly drifting along and there appeared to be people on the deck. The boat was quite large and looked very expensive, the boat was completely white except of the deck which was the usual brown colour. The boat itself has two floors and then the deck. A handrail snaked all around this deck, almost like a electric fence keeping out the outside world. The boat had just reached the bridge and began to go underneath, disappearing into the shadows underneath the bridge. The boy watched this and then ran to the other side to check whether or not it had appeared on the other side, he sighed relieved that it hadn't. He pulled a pokeball from his belt and returned his pokemon, he put the ball back on his belt and checked that his bag was secure enough. He then pulled down his goggles over his deep green eyes and slowly walked backwards, into the dead centre of the bridge. He stood there for a moment letting the wind hit him in the face, his hair wildly blowing about. Then, without warning he began sprinting towards the edge of the bridge and dived off just clearing the handrail, and began plummeting to the depths below...
    Last edited by Alectric317; 5th August 2011 at 06:42 AM.

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