Yeah! Ok um...this is my first fanfic so please crtique and offer any advice for me please! I need to no if I put to much detail or not enough detail. Same for the dialogue! Also, pleez let me know If I made any grammar errors!
I want to hear opinions about my first chapter, like it being too short or too long and if it was engaging or not!
OOoops! I talk too much, sorry bout' that, I juz wanna be a good writer and be worthy of being called an author!
THX LUV YA!!
Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze....
Saleeki glared at her partner besides her with annoyance, “No, we’re not lost!” she retorted irately as she shifted her obsidian eyes back to the crinkled map clutched in her flipper, “I have a map, Lulai, so I know where we are.”
“Okay, then where are we?” Lulai asked as she kicked a pebble carelessly into the never-ending darkness waiting for them up ahead, “Just because you have a map doesn’t mean you know where we are.”
“Of course I know where we are!” she snapped as she used the Luminous Orb, held in her other flipper, to elucidate the map, “See? We’re on the sixth floor of Crystine Cavern, and we have at least 12 more floors to go! See, I can read a freakin’ map, who says Piplups can’t read?”
“You did. So we have 12 more floors?” Lulai sighed as she glanced anxiously at their scarlet treasure bag slung over her shoulders, “Well, we’d better hurry up cuz we’re running low on provisions here.”
Still proud that she proved to her partner that Piplups could read, Saleeki ignored Lulai and walked confidently on ahead while raising the Luminous Orb up high to eat away the unwelcoming darkness. Rolling her eyes, Lulai followed her arrogant friend deeper into the cave, and was glad the tunnel they ambled through was fresh and wide; not scorching and small.
From top to bottom, the cave was caked with thick, soft dirt in which some berries, orbs, and other small treasures could be seen jutting halfway out of the ground; tempting traveling treasure hunters to take them. Cold water that slithered down the stalagmites dangling from the humid ceiling would fall to the ground, and then from there the liquid would be absorbed by the soil and form muck; in which many pokemon have gotten stuck in. A gentle, pale-yellow radiance emitted by the Luminous Orb was the only source of light, and the illuminated stalagmites and stalactites resembled fangs and made it look as if a giant mouth was about to engulf Saleeki.
“Are we close to the stairs?” Lulai asked, breaking the tense silence.
“What’s the matter, scared?” she replied mockingly without glancing back at her partner, “If only you were a Piplup, then you’d be brave like me.”
Stifling a laugh, Lulai retorted, “You’re just saying that because you don’t know where the stairs are!”
Pretending to not hear the remark, Saleeki continued to saunter deeper into the darkness of the tunnel. Lulai shook her head with disapproval at her partner’s behavior, but she followed anyways despite the fact that they were definitely lost.
Suddenly, a bone chilling breeze tickled the right side of her body, and she thought she heard a squishy sound like someone stepping in the mud.
That doesn’t make sense, how could a breeze come through the tunnel wall? Lulai pondered nervously and stopped walking to listen. What was that noise is something following us?
She turned her head to her right and was lucky she did, for her snout would have been ripped of by the barbed icicle spear that had zipped by her face with deadly accuracy but managed to give a small cut to her left cheek. Lulai yelped and quickly clutched her cheek as pain shot through her head. She didn’t know what surprised her more; the fact that her tiny injury caused her great pain, or the Delibird that had leaped out from behind a stalactite screeching with fury.
“Damn!” Lulai yelped as she dodged another ice spear.
Leaping onto a spear buried deep into the soil, the Delibird hissed threateningly, “DEEEEEEELLLLLIIIIIIIIIII!” it screamed as it chucked another spear, “LEAVE THIS PLACE! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO BE HERE!”
Narrowly escaping the icicle, Lulai glared at the raging pokemon, “Who the hell needs to be worthy of anything to walk through this stupid tunnel?!” she challenged as she positioned herself into a defensive pose, “You can’t make me leave!”
Cackling maliciously, the ice bird hopped off the icicle and stalked slowly towards her, “Fool, I’ll chop you to pieces and leave you to rot as a warning to all travelers who dare to defy me!” it whispered murderously.
“SHUT UP AND DIE!”
Shrieking like mad, the Delibird made another spear and, wielding it like a sword, charged at Lulai with surprising speed, but she was ready for this. Swiftly sliding out of her opponent’s path, there was a loud crack followed by a squeal as Lulai’s Force Palm smashed into Delibird’s cheek, and the bird slammed onto the ground along with her sword cursing.
“Looks like we’re even,” she sneered as she wiped some blood off her left cheek, “Hurts, doesn’t it?
Her reply was an unexpected chuckle, “Hahaha, looks like you’re partner ditched you!” snickered the Delibird as it swabbed some blood off its own cheek aswell, “There goes your only source of light.”
To her dismay, the ice bird was right, and Lulai watched as Saleeki and her Luminous Orb disappeared into the shadows. Angry and slightly petrified, Lulai found herself in complete darkness with a crazy, killer pokemon, so she dug her hand into the treasure bag in a desperate search for some item to help her.
I’ve fought off pokemon before on other explorations, she mused as she felt around the inside of the bag, but this one is different….and stronger!
“What’s wrong, afraid of the dark, are we?”
The mocking hiss came from somewhere in the gloom, and Lulai then felt the same icy breeze from before on her back. Instinctively throwing herself on the dirt floor, Lulai dodged a swift slash attack from the Delibird’s ice sword that was meant to decapitate her, and she rolled out of the path of another slash attack. Cursing irately, the ice bird continued slashing at Lulai, but she managed to dodge them all because she was able to feel the cold breeze Delibird emitted every time it attacked.
“Good reflexes,” the Delibird scoffed from somewhere in the sea of ink-black darkness, “But, you can’t keep trusting on them forever. One false move and you’re dead, hahahahahee!”
Lulai knew this was true, but then something clicked in her head that made her want to slap herself.
Am I really that stupid? I’m an emanation pokemon, she thought angrily as she tried to feel for the pokemon’s icy presence for its next attack, I can see anyone’s aura!
Lulai crouched down and pressed a black paw into the moist earth, and her big, black lobes extended straight out from her head as if some invisible force was pulling them. Delibird watch as Lulai closed her eyes and was confused and slightly disturbed as a thin, azure glow coated her body. Not wanting to show fear, the pokemon hacked the darkness with its ice sword in an attempt to scare Lulai.
“None of your petty tricks can save you!” taunted the Delibird as it slowly advanced towards Lulai, “You’re trying to feel for my footsteps? Very clever, but you can’t sense aerial attacks!”
Raising the ice weapon, Delibird was trying to align the sword’s point with Lulai’s head when she decided to attack, and she struck at such blinding speed that the only way you’d miss it is if you blinked; and Delibird did. The next thing it knew, Delibird was lying on its back, and it had a massive, head-throbbing headache. Feeling something warm on its head, the ice bird hesitantly lifted up a wing to touch, and the Delibird winced as it realized it was blood.
“How did….what did you….” moaned the dizzy pokemon as it struggled to get up.
“I can sense your aura,” Lulai replied without opening her eyes, “So I was able to “see” where you were and used an Extreme Speed and Force Palm combo. I’m surprised you got up after that attack.”
Shifting with its wing through its bag-like tail feathers, the Delibird sneered at her, “Hehehehe, speaking of surprises!” it cackled madly as it pulled out a present, “I brought a gift for you!”
Only able to see the auras of living things, Lulai saw Delibird make a throwing motion, but she couldn’t see what or where it had thrown the item. There was a loud explosion as the present was pelted right into her stomach, and she cursed with pain as the force of the impact sent her flying into a stalactite where she fell stunned. The explosion caused part of the tunnel wall to crumble into a huge pile of debris, and the loud noise echoed throughout the cave aswell as a malevolent guffaw.
“Hahahaha, now for another gift,” Delibird crowed as it snatched another present, “for me!”
But Lulai couldn’t hear anything the ice pokemon said, for the explosion deafened and stunned her at the moment. The Delibird ignored her as it chucked the present at itself, and instead of exploding, the gift opened to reveal a blinding, white beam that encased the Delibird. Golbat and Zubat shrieked with annoyance as the glare lit up the entire tunnel, and they flew deeper into the tunnel to seek the safety and comfort of darkness. One Zubat was too terrified to move, and it watched as white beams began to shoot out from Delibird’s body. It was then when Lulai regained control of herself, but she was then hypnotized by the beautiful radiance before her as it began to heal Delibird.
Suddenly, the glow disappeared, and once again Lulai couldn’t see as the tunnel turned pitch-black again. Closing her eyes, she began to search for Delibird’s aura, but she couldn’t find it anywhere as if the darkness swallowed the pokemon up.
“What’s wrong,” hissed a voice from above her, “Couldn’t find me?”
Lifting her head towards the voice, Lulai located the Delibird whose position looked as if its hooked claws were each grab a stalagmite, and she began to form a small, light blue sphere between her paws. She was about to blast the Delibird and end the battle, but Lulai quickly realized that the power of her Aura Sphere would cause the stalagmites and probably the entire roof to collapse and kill her, too.
Cursing silently, she stopped her attack and decided to let the Delibird attack first so she could counter it, but the ice bird had other plans in mind.
“Hahaha, you’re smart to stop that attack,” Delibird commended as it spread its scarlet wings, “Now it’s time for my ultimate attack!”
Before she could think of a smart retort, the same chilly breeze tickled Lulai’s dusty fur, but this time the zephyr came from all angles. The breeze began to turn into an ice-cold gust that nearly knocked Lulai off her feet, and the wind began to scream in her ears as it turned into a storm.
Unable to pinpoint the Delibird’s aura because of the thickness of the storm, she opened her eyes and was surprised that she could see and what she saw. A huge snowstorm emitting a cobalt blaze swirled around her at break-neck speed, and Lulai could feel the bone-chilling wind sting her eyes and made her small cut feel like an inferno eating away through the flesh in her left cheek.
Dropping down on all fours, she clutched the icy ground as hard as she closed her eyes, and the pokemon cursed loudly as the blizzard trapped her in a cold, swirling vortex. It felt as if an invisible force was pulling Lulai upwards, taking the oxygen out of her shivering body and tear at her muscles that she strained to hold her ground. She yelled to stop but the wind was louder. It screamed in her ears and nicked her fur with tiny icicles and chunks of snow, and Lulai felt cold, frozen water form under her eyes as the tears of pain she bled froze.
“STOOOP, STOOOP I GET IT!” she wailed desperately, “I’M NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO BE IN THIS TUNNEL!”
Above all the earsplitting noise came a screech, “Hahahaha, you’re TOO LATE, TOOOO LAAAATE!” the deranged Delibird squalled as it continued to rotate its wings to control the snowstorm, “You were a FOOL to defy me, a FOOL! Now you’ll DIE from the wrath of my ultimate attack-BLIZZARD!”
Petrified and humiliated, Lulai refused to go down without a fight. She managed to stand up, and with her eyes still shut, she began to form a small blue sphere. It grew and grew until it was twice the size of her head. Holding the orb in her hands, Lulai called out a challenge into the blinding storm.
“This is your ULTIMATE ATTACK?” she shouted defiantly, “This is NOTHING!
Lulai anxiously waited for a reply; ears erect as she listened for Delibird.
“NOTHING, NOTHING, you must be BLUFFING?!
Pinpointing the source of the sound, she didn’t hesitate as she released her own ultimate attack- Aura Sphere. It blasted upwards like a blue cannonball, tearing through the blizzard and smashing into the ceiling.
“NOOOO, you can’t learn that move yet!” Delibird shrieked as the roof gave way, “FOOL, you’ll end up killing yourself, too!”
Lulai knew that, and she also knew that Delibird would die with her. She showed no fear as the stalagmites whizzed down with a loud wwweeeezzzk! and crashing into the icy ground around her. Delibird shrieked as it fell along with the two stalagmites it had used for support, and Lulai heard a sickening crack that made her wince.
The stalagmite had probably snapped its spine, she gruesomely thought as more stalagmites and debris fell around her.
The blizzard died down until it was a chilly breeze, but the roof continued to cave in like a mini landslide. Chunks of mud and rock came crashing down, and dust flew and swirled everywhere; blinding and choking Lulai. It was like a sandstorm, and she began to wonder if the blizzard was an easier way to die.
Her entire body screamed at her to run, but she couldn’t. Ice encased Lulai’s feet like glass slippers, or more like a deathtrap, and all her escape routes were sealed by the falling wreckage. She wondered if Saleeki had actually ditched her, but she quickly shook the dark thought away.
“Sure she was a jerk sometimes, but we’ve been best friends since we hatched!” Lulai muttered while she shielded her face from the dust, “But, I’m positive she could’ve heard us fight…Did she really ditch me?!”
Her ears twitched as they detected a crumbling noise above her, and Lulai glanced up to see that the roof above her was about to give in, too. Knowing this would be the end, she desperately searched her treasure bag for a particular item.
“Come on, come on, I know you’re in here!” Lulai whispered nervously as a piece of the roof landed right at her frozen feet, “Where is it?!”
The Zubat that had been too scared to move from the bright glow emanated by Delibird earlier watched helplessly as the Riolu pulled something out from her bag. But at that same moment, the roof gave way and stomped on her like a giant brown foot.
After a few seconds, the avalanche stopped, and the dust began to settle. The floor was covered with ice, stalagmites, and roof fragments; covering any signs of life.
Assuming that they were dead, the purple bat sliced through the darkness with ease; leaving behind an intense battle scene to warn other travelers of the dangers of traveling through Crystine Cavern.