Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

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    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Yeah! Ok um...this is my first fanfic so please crtique and offer any advice for me please! I need to no if I put to much detail or not enough detail. Same for the dialogue! Also, pleez let me know If I made any grammar errors!
    I want to hear opinions about my first chapter, like it being too short or too long and if it was engaging or not!
    OOoops! I talk too much, sorry bout' that, I juz wanna be a good writer and be worthy of being called an author!
    THX LUV YA!!

    Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze....
    “We’re lost.”

    Saleeki glared at her partner besides her with annoyance, “No, we’re not lost!” she retorted irately as she shifted her obsidian eyes back to the crinkled map clutched in her flipper, “I have a map, Lulai, so I know where we are.”

    “Okay, then where are we?” Lulai asked as she kicked a pebble carelessly into the never-ending darkness waiting for them up ahead, “Just because you have a map doesn’t mean you know where we are.”

    “Of course I know where we are!” she snapped as she used the Luminous Orb, held in her other flipper, to elucidate the map, “See? We’re on the sixth floor of Crystine Cavern, and we have at least 12 more floors to go! See, I can read a freakin’ map, who says Piplups can’t read?”

    “You did. So we have 12 more floors?” Lulai sighed as she glanced anxiously at their scarlet treasure bag slung over her shoulders, “Well, we’d better hurry up cuz we’re running low on provisions here.”

    Still proud that she proved to her partner that Piplups could read, Saleeki ignored Lulai and walked confidently on ahead while raising the Luminous Orb up high to eat away the unwelcoming darkness. Rolling her eyes, Lulai followed her arrogant friend deeper into the cave, and was glad the tunnel they ambled through was fresh and wide; not scorching and small.

    From top to bottom, the cave was caked with thick, soft dirt in which some berries, orbs, and other small treasures could be seen jutting halfway out of the ground; tempting traveling treasure hunters to take them. Cold water that slithered down the stalagmites dangling from the humid ceiling would fall to the ground, and then from there the liquid would be absorbed by the soil and form muck; in which many pokemon have gotten stuck in. A gentle, pale-yellow radiance emitted by the Luminous Orb was the only source of light, and the illuminated stalagmites and stalactites resembled fangs and made it look as if a giant mouth was about to engulf Saleeki.

    “Are we close to the stairs?” Lulai asked, breaking the tense silence.

    “What’s the matter, scared?” she replied mockingly without glancing back at her partner, “If only you were a Piplup, then you’d be brave like me.”

    Stifling a laugh, Lulai retorted, “You’re just saying that because you don’t know where the stairs are!”

    Pretending to not hear the remark, Saleeki continued to saunter deeper into the darkness of the tunnel. Lulai shook her head with disapproval at her partner’s behavior, but she followed anyways despite the fact that they were definitely lost.

    Suddenly, a bone chilling breeze tickled the right side of her body, and she thought she heard a squishy sound like someone stepping in the mud.

    That doesn’t make sense, how could a breeze come through the tunnel wall? Lulai pondered nervously and stopped walking to listen. What was that noise is something following us?

    She turned her head to her right and was lucky she did, for her snout would have been ripped of by the barbed icicle spear that had zipped by her face with deadly accuracy but managed to give a small cut to her left cheek. Lulai yelped and quickly clutched her cheek as pain shot through her head. She didn’t know what surprised her more; the fact that her tiny injury caused her great pain, or the Delibird that had leaped out from behind a stalactite screeching with fury.

    “Damn!” Lulai yelped as she dodged another ice spear.

    Leaping onto a spear buried deep into the soil, the Delibird hissed threateningly, “DEEEEEEELLLLLIIIIIIIIIII!” it screamed as it chucked another spear, “LEAVE THIS PLACE! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO BE HERE!”

    Narrowly escaping the icicle, Lulai glared at the raging pokemon, “Who the hell needs to be worthy of anything to walk through this stupid tunnel?!” she challenged as she positioned herself into a defensive pose, “You can’t make me leave!”

    Cackling maliciously, the ice bird hopped off the icicle and stalked slowly towards her, “Fool, I’ll chop you to pieces and leave you to rot as a warning to all travelers who dare to defy me!” it whispered murderously.

    “Oooooooo…someone’s grumpy.”

    “SHUT UP AND DIE!”

    Shrieking like mad, the Delibird made another spear and, wielding it like a sword, charged at Lulai with surprising speed, but she was ready for this. Swiftly sliding out of her opponent’s path, there was a loud crack followed by a squeal as Lulai’s Force Palm smashed into Delibird’s cheek, and the bird slammed onto the ground along with her sword cursing.

    “Looks like we’re even,” she sneered as she wiped some blood off her left cheek, “Hurts, doesn’t it?

    Her reply was an unexpected chuckle, “Hahaha, looks like you’re partner ditched you!” snickered the Delibird as it swabbed some blood off its own cheek aswell, “There goes your only source of light.”

    To her dismay, the ice bird was right, and Lulai watched as Saleeki and her Luminous Orb disappeared into the shadows. Angry and slightly petrified, Lulai found herself in complete darkness with a crazy, killer pokemon, so she dug her hand into the treasure bag in a desperate search for some item to help her.

    I’ve fought off pokemon before on other explorations, she mused as she felt around the inside of the bag, but this one is different….and stronger!

    “What’s wrong, afraid of the dark, are we?”

    The mocking hiss came from somewhere in the gloom, and Lulai then felt the same icy breeze from before on her back. Instinctively throwing herself on the dirt floor, Lulai dodged a swift slash attack from the Delibird’s ice sword that was meant to decapitate her, and she rolled out of the path of another slash attack. Cursing irately, the ice bird continued slashing at Lulai, but she managed to dodge them all because she was able to feel the cold breeze Delibird emitted every time it attacked.

    “Good reflexes,” the Delibird scoffed from somewhere in the sea of ink-black darkness, “But, you can’t keep trusting on them forever. One false move and you’re dead, hahahahahee!”

    Lulai knew this was true, but then something clicked in her head that made her want to slap herself.

    Am I really that stupid? I’m an emanation pokemon, she thought angrily as she tried to feel for the pokemon’s icy presence for its next attack, I can see anyone’s aura!

    Lulai crouched down and pressed a black paw into the moist earth, and her big, black lobes extended straight out from her head as if some invisible force was pulling them. Delibird watch as Lulai closed her eyes and was confused and slightly disturbed as a thin, azure glow coated her body. Not wanting to show fear, the pokemon hacked the darkness with its ice sword in an attempt to scare Lulai.

    “None of your petty tricks can save you!” taunted the Delibird as it slowly advanced towards Lulai, “You’re trying to feel for my footsteps? Very clever, but you can’t sense aerial attacks!”

    Raising the ice weapon, Delibird was trying to align the sword’s point with Lulai’s head when she decided to attack, and she struck at such blinding speed that the only way you’d miss it is if you blinked; and Delibird did. The next thing it knew, Delibird was lying on its back, and it had a massive, head-throbbing headache. Feeling something warm on its head, the ice bird hesitantly lifted up a wing to touch, and the Delibird winced as it realized it was blood.

    “How did….what did you….” moaned the dizzy pokemon as it struggled to get up.

    “I can sense your aura,” Lulai replied without opening her eyes, “So I was able to “see” where you were and used an Extreme Speed and Force Palm combo. I’m surprised you got up after that attack.”

    Shifting with its wing through its bag-like tail feathers, the Delibird sneered at her, “Hehehehe, speaking of surprises!” it cackled madly as it pulled out a present, “I brought a gift for you!”

    Only able to see the auras of living things, Lulai saw Delibird make a throwing motion, but she couldn’t see what or where it had thrown the item. There was a loud explosion as the present was pelted right into her stomach, and she cursed with pain as the force of the impact sent her flying into a stalactite where she fell stunned. The explosion caused part of the tunnel wall to crumble into a huge pile of debris, and the loud noise echoed throughout the cave aswell as a malevolent guffaw.

    “Hahahaha, now for another gift,” Delibird crowed as it snatched another present, “for me!”

    But Lulai couldn’t hear anything the ice pokemon said, for the explosion deafened and stunned her at the moment. The Delibird ignored her as it chucked the present at itself, and instead of exploding, the gift opened to reveal a blinding, white beam that encased the Delibird. Golbat and Zubat shrieked with annoyance as the glare lit up the entire tunnel, and they flew deeper into the tunnel to seek the safety and comfort of darkness. One Zubat was too terrified to move, and it watched as white beams began to shoot out from Delibird’s body. It was then when Lulai regained control of herself, but she was then hypnotized by the beautiful radiance before her as it began to heal Delibird.

    Suddenly, the glow disappeared, and once again Lulai couldn’t see as the tunnel turned pitch-black again. Closing her eyes, she began to search for Delibird’s aura, but she couldn’t find it anywhere as if the darkness swallowed the pokemon up.

    “What’s wrong,” hissed a voice from above her, “Couldn’t find me?”

    Lifting her head towards the voice, Lulai located the Delibird whose position looked as if its hooked claws were each grab a stalagmite, and she began to form a small, light blue sphere between her paws. She was about to blast the Delibird and end the battle, but Lulai quickly realized that the power of her Aura Sphere would cause the stalagmites and probably the entire roof to collapse and kill her, too.

    Cursing silently, she stopped her attack and decided to let the Delibird attack first so she could counter it, but the ice bird had other plans in mind.

    “Hahaha, you’re smart to stop that attack,” Delibird commended as it spread its scarlet wings, “Now it’s time for my ultimate attack!”

    Before she could think of a smart retort, the same chilly breeze tickled Lulai’s dusty fur, but this time the zephyr came from all angles. The breeze began to turn into an ice-cold gust that nearly knocked Lulai off her feet, and the wind began to scream in her ears as it turned into a storm.

    Unable to pinpoint the Delibird’s aura because of the thickness of the storm, she opened her eyes and was surprised that she could see and what she saw. A huge snowstorm emitting a cobalt blaze swirled around her at break-neck speed, and Lulai could feel the bone-chilling wind sting her eyes and made her small cut feel like an inferno eating away through the flesh in her left cheek.

    Dropping down on all fours, she clutched the icy ground as hard as she closed her eyes, and the pokemon cursed loudly as the blizzard trapped her in a cold, swirling vortex. It felt as if an invisible force was pulling Lulai upwards, taking the oxygen out of her shivering body and tear at her muscles that she strained to hold her ground. She yelled to stop but the wind was louder. It screamed in her ears and nicked her fur with tiny icicles and chunks of snow, and Lulai felt cold, frozen water form under her eyes as the tears of pain she bled froze.

    “STOOOP, STOOOP I GET IT!” she wailed desperately, “I’M NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO BE IN THIS TUNNEL!”

    Above all the earsplitting noise came a screech, “Hahahaha, you’re TOO LATE, TOOOO LAAAATE!” the deranged Delibird squalled as it continued to rotate its wings to control the snowstorm, “You were a FOOL to defy me, a FOOL! Now you’ll DIE from the wrath of my ultimate attack-BLIZZARD!”

    Petrified and humiliated, Lulai refused to go down without a fight. She managed to stand up, and with her eyes still shut, she began to form a small blue sphere. It grew and grew until it was twice the size of her head. Holding the orb in her hands, Lulai called out a challenge into the blinding storm.
    “This is your ULTIMATE ATTACK?” she shouted defiantly, “This is NOTHING!

    Lulai anxiously waited for a reply; ears erect as she listened for Delibird.

    “NOTHING, NOTHING, you must be BLUFFING?!

    Pinpointing the source of the sound, she didn’t hesitate as she released her own ultimate attack- Aura Sphere. It blasted upwards like a blue cannonball, tearing through the blizzard and smashing into the ceiling.

    “NOOOO, you can’t learn that move yet!” Delibird shrieked as the roof gave way, “FOOL, you’ll end up killing yourself, too!”

    Lulai knew that, and she also knew that Delibird would die with her. She showed no fear as the stalagmites whizzed down with a loud wwweeeezzzk! and crashing into the icy ground around her. Delibird shrieked as it fell along with the two stalagmites it had used for support, and Lulai heard a sickening crack that made her wince.

    The stalagmite had probably snapped its spine, she gruesomely thought as more stalagmites and debris fell around her.

    The blizzard died down until it was a chilly breeze, but the roof continued to cave in like a mini landslide. Chunks of mud and rock came crashing down, and dust flew and swirled everywhere; blinding and choking Lulai. It was like a sandstorm, and she began to wonder if the blizzard was an easier way to die.

    Her entire body screamed at her to run, but she couldn’t. Ice encased Lulai’s feet like glass slippers, or more like a deathtrap, and all her escape routes were sealed by the falling wreckage. She wondered if Saleeki had actually ditched her, but she quickly shook the dark thought away.

    “Sure she was a jerk sometimes, but we’ve been best friends since we hatched!” Lulai muttered while she shielded her face from the dust, “But, I’m positive she could’ve heard us fight…Did she really ditch me?!”

    Her ears twitched as they detected a crumbling noise above her, and Lulai glanced up to see that the roof above her was about to give in, too. Knowing this would be the end, she desperately searched her treasure bag for a particular item.

    “Come on, come on, I know you’re in here!” Lulai whispered nervously as a piece of the roof landed right at her frozen feet, “Where is it?!”


    The Zubat that had been too scared to move from the bright glow emanated by Delibird earlier watched helplessly as the Riolu pulled something out from her bag. But at that same moment, the roof gave way and stomped on her like a giant brown foot.

    After a few seconds, the avalanche stopped, and the dust began to settle. The floor was covered with ice, stalagmites, and roof fragments; covering any signs of life.

    Assuming that they were dead, the purple bat sliced through the darkness with ease; leaving behind an intense battle scene to warn other travelers of the dangers of traveling through Crystine Cavern.
    Last edited by BLAH BLAH BLAH; 6th April 2011 at 01:56 PM. Reason: I editted this because Glory Blaze helped me to point out some errors that needed fixing
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

  2. #2
    Outplay the Coinflip -Glory Blaze-'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Well, first you need to space out your paragraphs, but other than that, I LOVE this first chapter. Lulai isn't too defined, but you can feel the maniac vibes from Delibird and you get a sense of <insert Piplup's exotic name that I don't remember here>'s personality. The suspense is very high, I hope Lulai got that Escape Orb (or other life-saving device) in time! Also, there is no "light orb" in the PMD games, so you might want to edit that to Luminous Orb, as that is the item that fits the description here. I won't pick the nit that Riolu can't legally learn Aura Sphere unless you do the Ranger event because you probably have an explanation for that.

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    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Wow! Thx for telling me that Glory Blaze! I knew there wuz no light orb so I made it up! also, I did space out the paragraphs but when I posted them it didn't space them out! Maybe I did something wrong? I also know Riolu can't learn aura sphere but I thought it wouldn't matter...
    Anyways! I'll fix it up and see if I can do better since this is my first fanfic! THX alot Glory!
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

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    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Ch 2: More than Blood Spills….

    Saleeki was lost.

    Too proud to admit it, the penguin pokemon meandered about the tunnel with a confident swagger as she took frequent glances at her map to give Lulai the impression that she knew exactly where they were. Saleeki didn’t glance back to check on her friend, for she could hear Lulai’s light footsteps as she followed doubtfully.

    “I’m not lost!” she muttered pompously to herself, “I know exactly where I’m going; the map’s just screwed up.”

    Saleeki decided to rely on her instincts; which had sometimes proven to be successful on other explorations. Letting her rubbery flipper clutching the map dangle at her side, the Piplup let her alert eyes absorb the scenery that could only be seen by the orb’s radiance. Golden eyes met blue as an irate Crobat locked eyes with her, and Saleeki arrogantly held its gaze until it broke away and focused angrily on her orb instead.

    “What’s wrong, afraid of the light?” she taunted as lifted the Luminous Orb up higher, “Humph, sissy! If a pokemon like you is afraid of a tiny glow, then you’re obviously not very brave! You should be more like a Piplup; we’re known for our wisdom and elegance.”

    Rolling its eyes, the Crobat hissed with annoyance before shielding its face with a purple wing.

    Saleeki nodded her head conceitedly, “That’s what I thought,” she snorted, “You were wise to not talk back to me. Only fools dare to smart mouth a Piplup!”

    “Moron,” hissed the Crobat from behind its wing, “You Piplups are all the same; all blubber and no brain. Do every creature in this cave a favor and shut the hell up.”

    Taken aback by the bat pokemon’s retort, Saleeki stared daggers at the Crobat as she puffed out her slick chest.

    “How dare you insult me! Come down here and say that to my face you winged Rattata!” she spat defiantly before glancing over her shoulder, “Tell it, Lulai, tell it no one me-”

    Saleeki instantly grew silent when she realized that Lulai wasn’t there. Using the orb like a flashlight, she checked all over the place for her partner, but she was all alone.

    “Lulai!?” Saleeki called into the eerie darkness, “Lulai, where are you? Stop playing games! This isn’t funny, and I would know cause’ you have a crummy sense of humor! ”

    Silence greeted her answer; a silence that disturbed her greatly. Instinct told her that something was wrong and that she wasn’t safe here. Anxiety and fear ate away Saleeki’s confidence as she slowly retraced her steps; searching for her lost partner.

    “Lulai can’t be lost,” she mumbled as she scanned the area again, “This orb so freakin bright; she can’t miss it!”

    Trying to think of a possible solution to her partner’s strange disappearance, Saleeki was so lost in thought that she didn’t realize she walked into the barrier before it was too late. Holding in a squawk of surprise and pain, Saleeki smacked into the glass and thudded onto her cape-like back. The Luminous Orb slipped from her gel-like flipper, and it flew into the air above her. The orb lit up the entire cave roof for a few seconds, and then gravity pulled it back down to the ground besides her.

    During those few seconds in which the orb illuminated the ceiling, Saleeki saw a Mr. Mime using its physic powers to help itself float in the damp air. But she also saw what appeared to be a swirling, dark purple void beginning to form between the pokemon’s gloved-hands. Though the orb was now on the ground, the ceiling was still visible enough for Saleeki to see the Mr. Mime release its Shadow Ball with intense speed.

    Still lying on the ground, Saleeki countered the attack with a powerful Bubble Beam that ripped through the air faster than the Shadow Ball had. The collision of both attacks caused a small but powerful explosion that shattered the barrier in front of Saleeki. The Piplup reacted swiftly; snatching the Luminous Orb as she used Bubble Beam on whatever part of the barrier was still intact to blast her away from the falling glass.

    Saleeki slid across the cave floor, rolled onto her stomach, and dug her small, yellow webbed feet into the ground to push herself up. Doing it all in one swift motion, the proud Piplup couldn’t help but brag about her amazing feat.

    “Ha, you thought I would get sliced by the glass; didn’t you?” Saleeki asked arrogantly as she lifted her head importantly, “That proves you should never underestimate a Piplup! You saw how I slid across the floor all cool and stuff. You know you wished you had these mad skills!”

    “You’re a joke,” Mr. Mime replied in a monotone voice as it lowered itself onto the ground, “I can’t believe my orders involved sparing your stupid life.”

    Saleeki immediately became serious; her smug look was replaced with a suspicious one as she observed her opponent. The physic pokemon looked strong and wise, and she knew this pokemon meant business; so did Saleeki.

    “What orders and who gave them to you?” she demanded as she advanced threateningly towards Mr. Mime, “What do you want with me?”

    Mr. Mime made no attempt to step back, “That’s none of your business,” it replied with a look on its face as expressionless as its voice, “I’m giving you an option that could spare you a lot of pain. You come with me without resisting or I’ll make you come with me by force.”

    “Is that supposed to intimidate me?”

    “I guess I’ll have to make you.”

    “Oooooooo…someone thinks they’re BA.”

    “Freak.”
    This only half of chapter 2. For some reason the library's computer won't let me put in the other half but I'll keep trying! I'm posting Chp 2 bit by bit so I can see what the problem is!
    Last edited by BLAH BLAH BLAH; 8th April 2011 at 02:37 PM.
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

  5. #5
    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Just like that, the battle began.

    When it comes to battles, Saleeki always made sure she was one step ahead of her opponent. Despite being hard-headed and a bit of a clown, the Piplup would change dramatically into a whole new pokemon. Saleeki’s instincts and senses become stronger, and she fights with the wisdom and power of an experienced fighter; which she was. Automatically knowing Mr. Mime would be a tough opponent, she had to make sure she made no mistakes or flaws during this battle.
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

  6. #6
    Something for nothing Cyber Jet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Love the plot so far very well done and detailed!

    Also the characters are great too!

    Keep up the good work and I hope to read more soon!

  7. #7
    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Okay guys, this is all of Chapter 2! Enjoy!
    Ch 2: More than Blood Spills….

    Saleeki was lost.

    Too proud to admit it, the penguin pokemon meandered about the tunnel with a confident swagger as she took frequent glances at her map to give Lulai the impression that she knew exactly where they were. Saleeki didn’t glance back to check on her friend, for she could hear Lulai’s light footsteps as she followed doubtfully.

    “I’m not lost!” she muttered pompously to herself, “I know exactly where I’m going; the map’s just screwed up.”

    Saleeki decided to rely on her instincts; which had sometimes proven to be successful on other explorations. Letting her rubbery flipper clutching the map dangle at her side, the Piplup let her alert eyes absorb the scenery that could only be seen by the orb’s radiance. Golden eyes met blue as an irate Crobat locked eyes with her, and Saleeki arrogantly held its gaze until it broke away and focused angrily on her orb instead.

    “What’s wrong, afraid of the light?” she taunted as lifted the Luminous Orb up higher, “Hmph, sissy! If a pokemon like you is afraid of a tiny glow, then you’re obviously not very brave! You should be more like a Piplup; we’re known for our wisdom and elegance.”

    Rolling its eyes, the Crobat hissed with annoyance before shielding its face with a purple wing.

    Saleeki nodded her head conceitedly, “That’s what I thought,” she snorted, “You were wise to not talk back to me. Only fools dare to smart mouth a Piplup!”

    “Moron,” hissed the Crobat from behind its wing, “You Piplups are all the same; all blubber and no brain. Do every creature in this cave a favor and shut the hell up.”

    Taken aback by the bat pokemon’s retort, Saleeki stared daggers at the Crobat as she puffed out her slick chest.

    “How dare you insult me! Come down here and say that to my face you winged Rattata!” she spat defiantly before glancing over her shoulder, “Tell it, Lulai, tell it no one me-”

    Saleeki instantly grew silent when she realized that Lulai wasn’t there. Using the orb like a flashlight, she checked all over the place for her partner, but she was all alone.

    “Lulai!?” Saleeki called into the eerie darkness, “Lulai, where are you? Stop playing games! This isn’t funny, and I would know cause’ you have a crappy sense of humor! ”

    Silence greeted her answer; a silence that disturbed her greatly. Instinct told her that something was wrong and that she wasn’t safe here. Anxiety and fear ate away Saleeki’s confidence as she slowly retraced her steps; searching for her lost partner.

    “Lulai can’t be lost,” she mumbled as she scanned the area again, “This orb so freakin bright; she can’t miss it!”

    Trying to think of a possible solution to her partner’s strange disappearance, Saleeki was so lost in thought that she didn’t realize she walked into the barrier before it was too late. Holding in a squawk of surprise and pain, Saleeki smacked into the glass and thudded onto her cape-like back. The Luminous Orb slipped from her gel-like flipper, and it flew into the air above her. The orb lit up the entire cave roof for a few seconds, and then gravity pulled it back down to the ground besides her.

    During those few seconds in which the orb illuminated the ceiling, Saleeki saw a Mr. Mime using its physic powers to help itself float in the damp air. But she also saw what appeared to be a swirling, dark purple void beginning to form between the pokemon’s gloved-hands. Though the orb was now on the ground, the ceiling was still visible enough for Saleeki to see the Mr. Mime release its Shadow Ball with intense speed.

    Still lying on the ground, Saleeki countered the attack with a powerful Bubble Beam that ripped through the air faster than the Shadow Ball had. The collision of both attacks caused a small but powerful explosion that shattered the barrier in front of Saleeki. The Piplup reacted swiftly; snatching the Luminous Orb as she used Bubble Beam on whatever part of the barrier was still intact to blast her away from the falling glass.

    Saleeki slid across the cave floor, rolled onto her stomach, and dug her small, yellow webbed feet into the ground to push herself up. Doing it all in one swift motion, the proud Piplup couldn’t help but brag about her amazing feat.

    “Ha, you thought I would get sliced by the glass; didn’t you?” Saleeki asked arrogantly as she lifted her head importantly, “That proves you should never underestimate a Piplup! You saw how I slid across the floor all cool and stuff. You know you wished you had these mad skills!”

    “You’re a joke,” Mr. Mime replied in a monotone voice as it lowered itself onto the ground, “I can’t believe my orders involved sparing your dumb ass life.”

    Saleeki immediately became serious; her smug look was replaced with a suspicious one as she observed her opponent. The physic pokemon looked strong and wise, and she knew this pokemon meant business; so did Saleeki.

    “What orders and who gave them to you?” she demanded as she advanced threateningly towards Mr. Mime, “What do you want with me?”

    Mr. Mime made no attempt to step back, “That’s none of your business,” it replied with a look on its face as expressionless as its voice, “I’m giving you an option that could spare you a lot of pain. You come with me without resisting or I’ll make you come with me by force.”

    “Is that crap supposed to intimidate me?”

    “I guess I’ll have to make you.”

    “Oooooooo…someone thinks they’re BA.”

    “Queer.”

    Just like that, the battle began.

    When it came to battles, Saleeki always made sure she was one step ahead of her opponent. Despite being hard-headed and a bit of a clown, the Piplup would change dramatically into a whole new pokemon. Saleeki’s instincts and senses would become stronger, and she fights with the wisdom and power of an experienced fighter; which she was.

    Automatically knowing Mr. Mime would be a tough opponent, Saleeki knew she could make no mistakes or flaws during this battle.

    A jet of bubbles burst out of Saleeki’s beak as she decided to make the first move. Without even blinking, Mr. Mime used Physic to stop the Bubble Beam in its tracks, and it ricochet the move back to the Piplup. Thinking fast, Saleeki froze the attack with Ice Beam, and the spurt of bubbles froze into a giant icicle. So thick and strong was the icicle that it actually remained intact as it fell upon the muddy earth.

    Not wasting any second of time she had, Saleeki dropped the map and Luminous Orb, dove onto the tubular chunk of ice, and skimmed across it on her oily stomach. Her beak suddenly lit up like a white candle as she slid off the icicle towards Mr. Mime, and the pokemon retaliated with another barrier.

    But, due to the speed at which Saleeki slid across the icicle, the force increased the power of her peck attack, and Mr. Mime made no attempt to move as the Piplup’s jagged beak smashed through the barrier and drilled into its forehead. Mr. Mime’s hand was a blur as it clamped around the bill implanted in its head, and it tore the beak out without a single cry or gasp of pain and sent Saleeki flying towards a stalactite.

    With amazing reflexes, the airborne Saleeki twisted her body towards the stalactite, and she battered it with another Bubble Beam attack. The force of her hit pushed her away from the robust stalactite, but the water pressure of her attack was a lot stronger than she had expected to be.

    Everything was a blur to Saleeki as she torpedoed through the cold air like a blue cannonball, and so rapid was her speed that she couldn’t even decided what attack she should use next on Mr. Mime. There was a loud, sickening crack as Saleeki smashed into the physic pokemon headfirst, and they both flew into another barrier. This barrier was more stalwart than the one before, and both pokemon rebounded from the glass wall and fell into a pile on the ground.

    Wordlessly, Mr. Mime pushed the stunned Piplup off itself, slowly sat up, and began to wipe away all the blood and gore that had dripped down from the gash on its forehead. Knowing the injury needed immediate care, Mr. Mime closed its pokerfaced eyes and turned into a light, oily purple. It limbs and head were leisurely morphing into jagged points, and its stomach was turning into a hexagonal shape. A light shade of brown replaced the purple color, and the hexagonal shaped turned into a resplendent scarlet jewel as Mr. Mime transformed into a Staryu. Though its appearance changed, the wound remained on its top thorny limb and a rivulet of muggy blood gushed out of the injury.

    Using Recover, the Staryu’s lesion disappeared instantly; leaving behind a healthy and strong pokemon. Saleeki had just recovered from initial shock when she saw the Rapid Spin attack coming for her, and she dodged out of the way in the nick of time. Puzzled by the sudden appearance of a Staryu, Saleeki stood there as she sought for a reason why Mr. Mime disappeared. Just as she opened her beak to question the pokemon, a very vile tasting liquid seeped into her mouth, and the disgusted Piplup began to spit out blood.

    Saleeki began to shake hysterically as she wiped off what was Mr. Mime’s blood when she had used Peck on it, and tears coated her wide eyes as she began to wheeze loudly. Her one secret had been revealed; a secret not even Lulai knew despite them being best friends.

    Saleeki had a severe phobia of blood.

    “What isss thisss; sssomeone hasss a fear of blood?” hissed the Staryu impassively as it watched the panic-stricken Piplup, “It’sss no sssecret to me, my dear, for I already knew you possessed sssuch a fear. I let you attack me becaussse I knew you’d draw blood from that Peck attack.”

    Seeing the blood on the ground sent bone-chilling shiver throughout her body, and the horrible sight brought back redundant memories; murderous memories. The once big and self-righteous Saleeki was now a small and horrified pokemon as she curled up into a ball upon the ground and sobbed. Staryu made strange hissing noises, and the star pokemon suddenly melted into a purple blob; a Ditto.

    The Ditto slithered towards the petrified Piplup and morphed into a Crobat, but it didn’t attack her since there was no reason to. Wide-eyed, embarrassed, and completely puzzled, Saleeki locked eyes with the massive bat that towered over her, but to her surprise the Crobat had the same blank expression Mr. Mime and Staryu had.

    “Saleeki Carloalye was born May 2nd in Iceseel Island,” the Crobat stated, “December 14th your parents were murdered, and who would’ve guessed it would be their own eight month old baby who’d be the one to blame?”

    Saleeki’s head throbbed as she felt mixture of emotions, “H-how do y-you know all th-this?” she stammered, “It’s n-not true! I didn’t-I mean it…it w-was all an accident; I swear!”
    “Swear all you want, assassin, but it won’t make up for what you did,” Crobat countered, “What would had Lulai thought if she discovered her best friend was a murderer? Better yet, what if she realized her own death was your fault as well?”

    Saleeki abruptly jolted onto her feet as she stared wide-eyed at the deadpan Crobat, and she suddenly found her dignity again.
    “What the hell are you talking about?” she demanded angrily as she curled her flippers threateningly, “What happened to Lulai, how do you know about my life, and why are you doing this?!”
    Crobat flew a bit lower, “Well, idiot, while you carelessly battled me, you never stopped to ask if your friend was alright,” it explained, “Maybe if you had you might’ve been able to save her; though I doubt it. Good thing the barriers I made earlier were soundproof, so you couldn’t here Lulai battling Daz. And let me assure you that crazy Delibird isn’t very merciful when it comes to killing her targets.”

    Saleeki couldn’t handle all the information and she could feel a huge sob building up inside of her, No, not Lulai! She can take care of herself…unless she...no it’s not possible, and it’s not my fault!

    Tiring from waiting for the Piplup to respond, Crobat swooped down even lower until the bottom purple wings would lightly brush Saleeki’s slick head when they flapped, and the bat began to harass her again.

    “No response, huh, so that means you know its true,” it croaked quietly, “You’re the reason the ones you love are dead, so why try to continue on living when you know you can’t be trusted? Now come with me, and I’ll take you to my master who will give you a purpose. He’s been watching you for a long time now, and he knows you’re just the pokemon he needs to help fulfill his dream.”

    Saleeki was confused, “I don’t know I-I-I didn’t kill my parents! Whoever told you all about me was full of shit; they know nothing about me!” she shrieked with sudden anger, “It’s was all a mistake, a lie, I’m not guilty! Leave me alone!”

    Just like that; Saleeki snapped.

    Screeching like a deranged pokemon, she launched herself into the Crobat, and she latched onto the bat and began to stab it repeatedly. Saleeki wasn’t using any moves at all; she fought and bit and kicked and cursed. Despite all this, the Crobat remained straight-faced as Saleeki hacked away gruesomely into the bat’s bleeding chest.

    Normally, any pokemon that was in Crobat’s place would’ve been screaming and crying in pain and fury, but Crobat wasn’t normal. Originally being a Ditto, it was raised to not feel or show any pain or emotions, for its master taught it that only the weak show their true feelings. The severe damage Saleeki was inflicting on the Crobat/Ditto was nothing compared to what its master had done in order for it to be used to torture and agony. Because of this, Crobat/Ditto forgot what it was like to feel emotions and anguish, and that was why it was bound for life to remain blank; expressionless.

    “I-didn’t-do-anything-leave-me-alooooone!” roared the crazed Saleeki between pecks and thrusts.

    Crobat sighed, “I’ve had enough of your PMSing. It ends now.”

    Using its other three powerful wings, Crobat raised its right, finely honed wing and slashed Saleeki across the face. The injured Piplup squealed with alarm as she released her grip on the large bat, and she plopped to the ground onto a small puddle of blood that had gushed out of the Crobat’s opened stomach.

    “I thought Daz was crazy,” commented Crobat as it slowly began to morph, “Well…I’d better heal this nasty little cut you gave me.”

    Once again, the Ditto morphed into a Staryu, swiftly healed itself with Recover, and then became a Mr. Mime. The unconscious Saleeki was encased in a thin purple light as Mr. Mime used its physic powers to lift her into the air and inspected her victim.

    “Hmmm…its amazing how my master managed to see the true you; the dark side,” Mr. Mime mumbled quietly, “All I saw was a stupid, arrogant Piplup, but I had no idea you were capable of such violence; let alone murder. How ironic an assassin like you has a fear of blood, but I suppose there’s a first for everything.”

    Without another word, Mr. Mime carried the fainted Piplup with itself as it ambled silently into the darkness of the tunnel. At first, Mr. Mime thought it would’ve been wise to hide any evidence of Saleeki’s presences, but it shrugged the thought away. Lately, all the pokemon explorers that had entered the Crystine Cavern in search of a rare treasure had never returned, and Mr. Mime knew that Daz and itself were to blame for that.

    If they’re wise enough, then no more pokemon would dare explore this dreaded place, Mr. Mime thought as it sauntered through the obscurity.

    Hidden behind the giant ice chunk that was still intact, a small Geodude had witnessed the horrible event that had just occurred, but the only thing it did was chuckle.

    “Hehehehe…that was very interesting,” Geodude mused as he recalled Crobat revealing Saleeki’s secret, “Looks like more than blood was spilled….heeheehee...how dreadful one can live when they have such dark, horrifying secrets….”
    Last edited by BLAH BLAH BLAH; 11th April 2011 at 01:47 PM. Reason: Glory Blaze pointed out error!
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

  8. #8
    Outplay the Coinflip -Glory Blaze-'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    I like the new chapter as well, but you keep spelling Psychic "Physic", which is incorrect.

    When it comes to battles, Saleeki always made sure she was one step ahead of her opponent. Despite being hard-headed and a bit of a clown, the Piplup would change dramatically into a whole new pokemon. Saleeki’s instincts and senses become stronger, and she fights with the wisdom and power of an experienced fighter; which she was. Automatically knowing Mr. Mime would be a tough opponent, she had to make sure she made no mistakes or flaws during this battle.
    You also want to make sure you stick to past tense, as you sort of slipped into present tense here. It was really confusing. Anyway, great chapter. I think one of your strengths is charecterization, the characters are great and realistic.

  9. #9
    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Okay! I see what you mean! Yes it's confusing now that I read it! I'll edit it right away!
    THX for the comments! Chapter 3 will be up on Friday!XD
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    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Ch 3: Expect the Unaccepted

    Kayno felt like he was in paradise.

    Sprawled lazily across a massive, smooth boulder with his bone-wielding arm dangling carelessly over the side, Kayno felt blissful as the sea breeze brushed him gently like tiny paint brushes. Feathery, pearl-white clouds shielded the sun like a Swablu’s wings and cast welcoming shadows all over Buizel Bay, and the resting Cubone sighed contently as he was cooled by the cloud’s massive shade. The cold, sugar sand around him was lush and white, and the turquoise waves kissed the shore gently. Large masses of screeching Wingull dove like white bombs into the clear waters before surfacing with a thrashing, silver Remoraid clamped between their massive banded beaks that took up one-third of their feathery bodies.

    Kayno cherished the cold as much as Combee cherished succulent honey, and since this time of the day at Buizel Bay was the coldest, he always came here to relax. Unfortunately, it never snowed in the Ventora Island, and the tropical climates would reach 100 degrees during the late afternoon and 88 at night. Kayno longed for snow on the roasted island he had to lived on for two, long years.

    Kayno was still young, only two years and three months old, and as he laid there on the boulder, he swore that someday, somehow he’d touch snow. He also swore that he would find his mother alive and well, so he could prove everyone wrong.

    The Cubone was claimed an orphan; his father died from a disease only caught by dragon type pokemon, and his mother went missing during a horrible earthquake on Tanora that occurred two years ago. Kayno remembered his mother had reluctantly left him home alone as she went to do something she said was dangerous and he couldn’t come, and the baby Cubone was lucky to have survived the 8.2 earthquake that occurred a few minutes after she left. The large country split into two islands that divided and erased Tanora off the map.

    Hakora Island was the smallest island, and was home to very bad pokemon.

    No pokemon ever bothered to venture to that island; unless they were bad, too. So, the thieves, outcasts, and murderers were left alone there, but sometimes they’d raid the other islands.

    Ventora was a very large, popular island, and it was home to many famous exploration teams that had traveled half way around the world to live and retire there. They’d sometimes go to Hakora Island to capture criminals, but only the greastest of explorers dared to venture there.

    The sound of waves hissing and lapping the shore mingled in with the sound of the wind tugging the emerald palm fronds, and Kayno found himself dozing off as his breathing followed nature’s rhythm.

    “Yo, Kaykaaaay!”

    So startling was the unexpected shout that Kayno actually fell off the cool boulder, and to his advantage the silk-like sand cushioned his landing. He slowly got up on his feet, and the drowsy Cubone snorted irately as he caught sight of his alarm clock.

    “You awake, that’s good!” exclaimed a dancing Vulpix, “I thought ya was sleepin’, bro, guess I was wrong. Come on, we gotta go to Plunder Plaza ASAP!”

    Still tired, Kayno was grouchy, “Don’t shout, RZ, I’m right here,” he grumbled as he wielded his bone threateningly, “You woke me up from my nap. You’d better have a good reason why you did!”

    “So ya was sleepin’, my bad!” RZ snickered as he dodged a swing from Kayno’s bone, “Chill, Kaykay, I did wake ya up for a good reason, bro, come on, come on, we gotta go to Plunder Plaza, now!

    Without waiting for a reply, the hyper Vulpix was a red dart as he dashed across the sand towards a dirt road, and he paused halfway to glance back at Kayno. Kayno sighed hopelessly as he wondered how RZ could be nine months older than him and yet act so immature.

    “Yo, Kaykay, ya deaf or somethin’?!” RZ hollered with a hint of exasperation in his voice, “We gotta hurry before-”

    “I’m not going anywhere!” Kayno interrupted angrily as he began to climb up the boulder, “I’ve been to Plunder Plaza thousands of times, now go away!”

    “Fine then, lazy bones, I’ll go by myself,” RZ retorted smugly, “I’ll tell ya all about Team Shadowslay when I come back, see ya!”

    That caught Kayno’s attention, “What, Team Shadowslay is here?!” he gasped with disbelief, “But Old Koenak said they were banished from here years ago, that’s not possible!”

    RZ was already halfway down the dirt road with a trail of brown dust in his wake. Kayno ran after his friend waving his bone excitedly, but he couldn’t help but feel nervous about the return of the dreaded Team Shadowslay.

    ~*~

    Anger and some excitement buzzed through Plunder Plaza as the pokemon of Ventora Island all gathered into a huge mass at the large marketplace. Kayno used his bone to help push himself through the crowd, and he ignored the pain from being stepped on as larger, careless pokemon also pushed their way through. It wasn’t long before he spotted RZ’s blue-and-black dotted headband which stood out against the pale Persian he sat next to.

    “Yo, Kaykay, what took ya?” RZ greeted as Kayno sat down besides him, “I knew you’d come, bro, too bad you run so slow. At least my good pal Purly is here to keep me company, right Purly?”

    The infuriated glare she gave him showed Kayno that she was definitely not pleased with RZ’s company.

    “Good pal, good pal?” she growled threateningly, “I’ll turn you into a Murkrow food if you call me Purly one more time. It’s Purla!”

    RZ wasn’t intimidated by her, “Different name, same day,” he shrugged, “Besides, I kinda like Purly better then Purla, it makes ya sound younger in a way, ya get what I’m sayin’?”

    “Bad grammar and bad manners,” scolded Purla as she unsheathed her honed claws, “Tsk, tsk, that’s not good for one so young. Perhaps I should fix that for you.”

    The muscular Persian raised her hooked paw, and for a moment, Kayno thought she was really going to strike him. Kayno observed Purla as he tried to remember if he’d seen her around before, but all he knew was that there were only two Meowth on Ventora Island; Gigi and Fifi. They hadn’t evolved into Persian yet, so Purla’s mysterious appearance left Kayno baffled.

    RZ puffed out his cream-colored chest, “Hmph! You don’t scare me, Purly!” he growled as he sized up his large opponent, “I know ya won’t hurt me cuz that-”

    “Would be against what, the law?” Purla finished as she drew her lips into a nasty snarl, “I’ve broken the law plenty of times, dear, so hurting a baby puffball such as yourself wouldn’t be the baddest thing I’ve done!”

    For once, RZ was speechless, for there was no denying the truth in Purla’s threat. Kayno clutched his bone tightly, but he knew he didn’t stand a chance against the powerful pokemon before them. He’d never been in a battle before, but the Cubone was prepared to defend his best friend.

    Purla’s paw was still raised and poised to strike, but she remained perfectly still as if daring RZ to make a move. From the corner of his eye, Kayno noticed most of the pokemon crowded around them were watching with shocked looks on their faces, and for a moment he felt relaxed.

    They won’t let her hurt us…right? Kayno thought nervously as he tightened his grip on his weapon once more.

    Suddenly, Purla flinched and staggered sideways as if she had been slapped by an invisible force, and with her tail between her shaking legs, the terrified Persian slowly backed away from RZ and Kayno. Kayno was about to question her actions when he suddenly sensed something behind him; a disturbing presence…


    “Don’t let those kids get to you, Purla.”

    The Cubone whipped around to come face to face with an Umbreon, and Kayno couldn’t help but feel unnerved by his intense eyes. The Umbreon swerved around him and advanced towards Purla with and air of authority, and so high did he hold his thick, yellow –banded tail and neatly-wedged head that even RZ respectfully stepped out of his way.

    “The last thing we need is for you to hurt somebody,” Umbreon continued strictly as he came to a halt in front of her, “It’s bad enough we’re not wanted here, so we need to make a good impression, got it?!”

    So powerful and dominant did the Umbreon seem and sound that Kayno found himself nodding his head even though the comment was aimed towards Purla. Lowering her rigid body submissively and avoiding eye contact, Purla nodded as she flicked her thick tail anxiously.

    “Yeah, yeah, I got it.”

    “Excuse me?”

    “Yes, sir!” Purla replied more clearly but with a light quaver to her voice, “I-I’m sorry, sir, I’ll behave, sir!”

    Snorting with disapproval, Umbreon flicked his left ear, “That’s what I’d expect from you, Purla, now go wait with the others,” he ordered before turning towards RZ, “You, young one, must learn to hold your tongue around older pokemon, especially those from an Exploration Team.”

    RZ didn’t respond, he looked away and acted as if he hadn’t heard anything. The Umbreon didn’t seem to approve of this, but he let it slide as he let his severe gaze wander across the crowd. Kayno couldn’t help but admire the power that emitted from Umbreon, and he was awed by how terrified Purla was when he scolded her.

    A pokemon that small but with so much control…that’s the pokemon I’d like to be! Kayno found himself thinking as he observed the pokemon’s officious posture.

    When Umbreon’s blood-colored eyes rested on Kayno, he couldn’t help but return the stare, and he held his gaze fiercely in an attempt to prove that he too could be tough. The Cubone looked at Umbreon with such intensity that he suddenly found himself unable to tear away from the pokemon’s unsettling gaze, and it felt as if some one was holding his eyes so that he couldn’t look away.

    Suddenly, he heard a buzzing noise, and then his vision blurred. Everything turned blood-red, Kayno struggled to blink it off, but he couldn’t close or turn his eyes away. For a moment, he thought he was going blind and that he’d have to live by seeing only the redness that flooded his eyes. Panic traveled through his body faster than his heart pulsated, and Kayno’s breathing became shallow as he fought for air.

    Then, it all stopped.

    His vision returned and the buzzing noise gone, Kayno was relieved that he could see and breathe clearly again, but was confused by what had just occurred.

    “What’s wrong with you?” Umbreon demanded as he stalked towards Kayno, “You sizing me up, child?”

    Finding his confidence, Kayno raised his solid head, “No, why do you ask?” he retorted evenly.

    Instead of scolding him fiercely like Kayno had expected he would, he was surprised when he saw a flicker of amusement in Umbreon’s hooded eyes, but it quickly vanished like Kayno’s bravery. He then began circling the bemused Cubone slowly as he observed his tiny adversary with remorse, and he stopped next to Kayno’s right side; eyeing his tightly-clutched bone weapon.

    “Cute little weapon, kid. Hmm…you weren’t planning on bashing me with that, were you?” Umbreon inquired smugly with an arrogant look on his broad face, “Doesn’t matter, and with those puny muscles you couldn’t even batter an eyelash. But, if you ever find the courage to strike me-”

    Pausing suddenly, Umbreon leaned his face so close to Kayno’s that he felt like he was lost in a sea of scarlet again as the pokemon’s murderous eyes bore into his own.

    “-I’ll tear you apart.”


    Drawing away from the stupefied Cubone, Umbreon let his comment sink into Kayno before turning around to walk away, but he was surprised to see RZ was blocking his path. Kayno had to admit his friend looked intimidating, for his unusual, large size and bulky frame made his the same size as the Umbreon, but Umbreon’s long ears went past RZ’s tails; making him taller.

    “Stop pickin’ on Kaykay, bro,” RZ warned as he flexed his muscles, “Ya can’t just mess with my friend like that! If ya gotta bone to pick then pick a fight with someone your own size, bro, like me!”

    Umbreon was undaunted by his challenge, “Yeah…I gotta go meet with my team now, so I need you to move!” he ordered before deliberately adding, “Oh, by the way, bro, whenever you smart mouth to pokemon on exploration teams, they can tell the Guildmaster not to let you become an explorer because you disrespected another explorer. So….I believe you should step aside!”

    Knowing he lost the challenge, RZ reluctantly stepped aside as Umbreon walked past with his head held high, and Kayno watched as the crowd parted to let him through. Kayno wondered why the other pokemon seemed to be afraid of him, but then again he did feel the urge to honor and fear the dominant pokemon even by simply glancing at him.

    “Hmph! Yo, can you believe that guy, Kaykay?” RZ spat angrily as he stomped towards Kayno, “Who does he think he is, walkin’ round and telling pokemon what to do? He don’t scare me one bit; I’ll roast him into a kabob and feed him to the Sharpedo!”


    Kayno rolled his grey-green eyes, “Sure, whatever.”

    “Ya think what he said was true?” RZ ventured as he flattened his cropped ears, “Ya know…about telling the Guildmaster about not letting me be an explorer?”

    “Awww don’t worry, RZ,” Kayno reassured as he bonked his best friend’s head with his bone, “You worry too much, I’m sure that’s not true!”

    The unconvinced Vulpix rubbed his head tenderly, “Ouch, bro, no need to hurt,” he muttered huffily, “Yeah, I guess you right, Kaykay, I hope so, anyways.”


    “EVERYONE, EVERYONE, PLEASE, MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?!”

    The strident bark startled the crowd of pokemon as they ceased their chattering to focus on a large Mightyena standing on top a large stage where town meetings were usually held, and behind him were three more Mightyena followed by an old Gardevoir. He wore a serious scowl as well as a navy blue poncho that had a silver S embedded where the cloak covered his broad chest. Loyally and promptly standing side-by-side, the other three Mightyena’s green capes gleamed like emeralds in the afternoon sun as they lowered their tails and head submissively towards their leader.

    RZ whispered excitedly to Kayno, “Yo, look who it is, bro!” he exclaimed as he flicked his tails eagerly, “It’s Jackjaw, bro, it’s Jackjaw!”

    Kayno simply nodded; he already knew who it was. Jackjaw was the leader of Stride Pride; an exploration team made up of four Mightyena who dedicate their lives as Ventora’s one and only police unit. They usually give out rewards for any captured outlaws, but sometimes they’ll go and catch crooks themselves; making them famous and respected. They were also ogled and worshipped….by RZ.

    “Please remain silent, for Higher Radeena has an important announcement to make!” Jackjaw stated as he addressed their leader respectfully, “Please, my Higher, say what you wish.”

    Gently placing a scarred hand on the Mightyena’s bowed head, the aged Gardevoir smiled kindly at him before facing the crowd of pokemon.

    “Thank you, Jackjaw,” Higher Radeena replied blissfully before rather sadly adding, “I’m afraid you all know why I brought you here today, my children.”

    “Team Shadowslay,” RZ breathed.

    The Higher beckoned with her ashen, frail arms, “Come forth, Team Shadowslay,” she ordered in a quiet but domineering voice, “You know who you are, come up here and address yourselves. It’s been awhile since you were last allowed to live among, so please refresh our memories.”

    Murmurs of anger and apprehension rippled like waves through the sea of Ventora pokemon, and it wasn’t long before an unnaturally massive Raichu stomped onto the stage. His lengthy tail was coiled about his refined neck like a thick, brown collar, and the lighting bolt-shaped barb at the tail’s tip jutted upwards from behind Raichu’s head like a third ear.

    Brown eyes glinting in the sun, the electric pokemon eyed the crowd awkwardly, and Kayno was awed by how the intense sun rays made Raichu’s robust, auburn body look like a fierce, crimson firestorm. The Raichu cleared his throat, and he began toying nervously with the pale green earring clipped to his right ear,

    “I Tockator, I be Team Shadowslay’s Snatcher,” Raichu introduced in a voice so deep you’d think it would be a Snorlax speaking instead, “I in charge of finding items.”

    “Obviously,” RZ snorted with disgust as he placed a brown paw protectively over his blue-and- black speckled headband, “Hmph, more like stealing items.”

    Kayno prodded the Vulpix roughly with his bone, “Shush! Leave him alone!”

    Suddenly, there was a loud whistle-like sound as something yellow whizzed by across the air like a torpedo, and then a jaunty Beedrill appeared above Tockator. Her translucent wings flickering 50 times per second, she did a quick few laps around Team Stride Pride teasingly before landing gracefully next to the massive Raichu.

    “Hiya, I’m Sprite!” Beedrill announced optimistically as she pointed a noxious -looking pincher at herself, “I’m the Skyreader and Healer, so I’m, like, pretty much the team’s Navigator and nurse! Yep, that’s, like, pretty much it, pretty much!”

    “Like, oh my gosh, are you, like, sure?” mimicked Meema, a Chatot besides Kayno.

    Kayno, RZ, and the other pokemon that heard snickered at Meema’s comment, but Kayno stopped when he noticed the anger glowing in Sprite’s gel-like eyes. The Cubone blinked, and then the Beedrill seemed to magically disappear.

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzkuchik!

    Kayno blinked again, and Sprite was back to her position next to Tockator as if she’d been there the whole time. Meema then squawked with alarm as the lilac hibiscus that was placed perfectly on her musical note-shaped head suddenly fell slowly to the ground in two pieces, and the astonished pokemon exchanged implausible looks from Sprite to her shredded flower.

    RZ gasped, “Yo, bro, ya saw that?!” he exclaimed as he eyed the torn hibiscus.

    “Actually,” Kayno replied in disbelief, “I didn’t see anything.”

    “H-how did y-you…..” Meema stammered startlingly, “D-did you…?”


    Sprite toyed innocently with her jagged pinchers, “Tee hee! What’s the matter? You don’t look so, like, hot!” she giggled before pointing to a pokemon getting on the stage, “Oh, lookie who it is!”

    RZ’s pea green eyes widened as a very familiar pokemon stalked angrily towards Sprite, and Kayno watched with surprise as Purla plopped down besides the Beedrill.

    Hunched over, Purla glared at the crowd with pure hatred, “Purla. Eyeguarder; means I’m the look out, bodyguard, and usually the first to attack in a fight. That’s it.”

    “My, my, Purla,” came a scolding growl from somewhere in the front of the crowd, “How rudely you speak to them. Here, this is how it’s done.”

    A black and yellow pokemon jumped elegantly onto the stage in front of the three Shadowslay members, and Kayno recognized the dominant stance in which the pokemon stood.

    “I, Darnize, leader of Team Shadowslay, have brought my team and I hear today to deliver a very important message,” the Umbreon explained in an officious clear voice, making sure he caught the attention of every pokemon, “Due to hazardous and mystifying circumstances, Higher Gazgik of Hakora Island has decided that tomorrow he and his pokemon would retreat to Ventora Island.”

    All the pokemon were shocked with silence, and even Higher Radeena looked surprised at what she heard from the tiny yet very demanding pokemon.

    “So,” the old Higher concluded, “in other words, all the pokemon from Hakora, including thieves, murderers, and outcasts, are all coming to live here tomorrow?!”

    Darnize and his team suddenly advanced ominously towards the Gardevoir, and Team Stride Pride instantly stood in front of her protectively. But Jackjaw couldn’t help but feel unnerved by the Umbreon’s powerful gaze.

    “Relax, no need to get so tense,” Darnize chuckled darkly before turning his back on the growling Mightyena and walking away, “Besides, I’d save all that energy for tomorrow, boys, because if you won’t willingly allow us to live here-”

    Umbreon suddenly whipped around; his ruby eyes were glowing as he finished menacingly, “-then we’ll all fight you for Ventora!”

    *****
    I hope this chapter was entertaining and not too long or boring! I really enjoyed typing this chapter because it involved a lot of different characters with different personalities!
    I personally like RZ, for his cool and hyper personality reminds me of myself…. sometimes! ^^
    (But, the dark and shrewd Darnize is very powerful and dominant, and he’s inspirational to me….. and Kayno?)
    P.S. the next chapter will have a lot more action! I promise!
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

  11. #11
    User #50,000 Mr Metagross's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Right, I FINALLY got round to reading this, and even though I don't play Mystery Dungeon, this is a really good fic.

    Since I'm running low on time I have to give a pretty brief review. The characters' emotions, personalities and characteristics are expressed mainly through speech and narrative, which is great because it offers so much more space to develop their personality, like in real life. References to the characters nature should appear in their dialogue, which you did more or less perfectly.

    I love the Pokémon's speech, especially since I play the games and have no idea what Pokémon say, the only reference being the badly recorded, vague and utterly IDIOTIC cries that come up on the Pokédex. It's like these characters are real people, and especially with Pokémon that's a tough thing to do.

    I have virtually not much idea what the storyline is about since, as I said, I don't play PMD, but its clear that this a steady story and you have a good idea of where it's going.

    Overall rating:

    8.5/10.

    Really good! I'll see if I can get in a proper review when I have more time.
    Look, I make music! Yay!

  12. #12

  13. #13
    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Wow! Thx everyone! I'm going to post Chap.4 on friday and maybe..maybe chap. 5 but I don't want to rush! I hope I don't put in too much dialogue which I'm worried can be bad.
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

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    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    Oh, bye the way! Chap. 4 will actually be posted on Saturday!^^
    Last edited by BLAH BLAH BLAH; 26th April 2011 at 04:04 PM.
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

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    IMMA PIRATE CHEF, BITCH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ch One: Starts with a Chilly Breeze...

    I’m truly sorry and feel bad about the huge delay, but I had an unexpected relative from Cuba visit us, and he needed tending to! (No, he didn’t escape…on a raft!)
    Anyways, to make up for my delay, I used my DS playing time to write two chapters!^^
    I actually enjoyed writing these two chapters because it finally starts the REAL journey of my main characters!
    Wish me and Kayno luck, cuz we’ll need it!
    Ch 4: Deserting the Dead

    RZ flipped out.

    “Yo, Kaykay, did ya hear that, bro?!” RZ exclaimed as he ran around Kayno, “There’s gonna be a war, a war tomorrow! I can’t believe it, our first war, and it’s up against Higher Gazgik’s evil minions and junk and it’s gonna be so awesome! Imma flame their-”

    “Shut up!” Kayno interrupted angrily, “Listen, try to listen!”

    RZ stopped prancing, “Ok, bro, chill.”

    Jackjaw flicked his notched ear, and in an instant his squad surrounded Team Shadowslay menacingly. The outcasts took no notice of their presence and acted as if they were perfectly safe, and that infuriated the Mightyena.

    “Sooooooo, Darnize,” Jackjaw began smugly as he glowered down gallantly at the Umbreon, “What could be so scary that the pokemon of that dreadful island would want to runaway like cowards?”

    Before he could reply, Purla swiftly put herself between the teasing Mightyena and her leader. The Persian dangerously jabbed the Silver S on Jackjaw’s cloak as she replied angrily for Darnize.

    “Call us what you want, pooch!” she retorted hotly, “But we are not cowards, if anything, we are braver than you spoiled lot! We have to leave because it’s the wisest choice for us to do. Something unnatural, deadly…dangerous is going on in Hakora Island, since pokemon have been found dead or dying inside Crystal Cavern. The dwellers of that recently discovered place have reported seeing pokemon- by pokemon I mean your ‘invincible’ explorers- being attacked, killed merciless, and even eaten by deranged pokemon that have never been seen around Hakora before.”

    Disgusted gasps greeted her grisly remark, and Jackjaw opened his mouth to reply but was silenced by a flicker of Higher Radeena’s shaken hand.

    “I’m sure you bright lot have noticed that the team you previously sent with that Riolu and Piplup hasn’t returned,” Purla continued on, “Well, stop hoping and praying because they won’t be back anytime soon! Two Crystal Cavern dwellers saw one of them killed when the cave’s roof caved in, and the other one….the other one just vanished.”

    Gladly letting the horrible new sink in, Purla elegantly padded back to her position besides Sprite. The horde of shocked pokemon began to grow angry; they couldn’t believe the nasty, old Persian.

    “Liar, that’s no true!” bellowed a Sandslash, “Team Silverdew could never be defeated that easily!”

    “No such thing as invincible…” was Tockator’s only reply.

    “True,” Kayno whispered to RZ, “He’s right.”

    The Vulpix quickly looked away, “Hmph, that’s a bunch of garbage!” he snorted, “There’s a reason for everything, bro. Pokemon can’t just start gettin’ attacked for no reason, Kaykay, and I bet you it’s all en excuse to attack Ventora!”

    Kayno narrowed his crimson eyes, “What, are you sure about that, RZ?” he challenged, “It all makes sense to me, all the pokemon explorers that have been sent to explore Crystal Cavern haven’t returned!”

    “Get real, bro, Higher Gazgik has been itching to get his greedy hands on Ventora ever since it was made!” RZ insisted as he circled Kayno, “Don’t ya think it’s odd that the bad pokemon-evil for Arceus’ sake- would be scared of something just as evil? If anythin’, they’d worship it or try to join forces with it or somethin’!”

    His friend gave Kayno second thoughts, he could be right…but the look on their faces…was so honest and even they seemed disturbed.

    “Think about,” he tried, “Don’t you think that whatever scared them was really, truly wicked? I mean, come on, RZ, it’s obvious they’re terrified of something. After all, pretty much all of Hakora Island is running away, and they’re so desperate that they’re willing to fight for a place here; among nice pokemon!”

    RZ ceased circling the Cubone, and he stood stiffly in front of him. Grey-green eyes narrowed, RZ gazed at Kayno with such unexpected seriousness and even shock that made him appear older and much more mature.

    “What’s wrong with you, bro?” he growled quietly as he slowly backed away, “Ever since this whole town meeting started, you’ve been sticking up for them! I saw they way you looked at team Shadowslay, especially their leader, you adore them!”

    Without bothering to hear his reply, the angry Vulpix turned and ran away into the crowd; leaving a stunned Cubone behind. Before he could react to what had just happened, things got worse.

    “Hakora pokemon at Buizel Bay, Hakora pokemon!”

    Everyone looked up with disbelief at the squawking Swellow frantically circling in the cloudy sky. A loud, furious bark rang throughout Plunder Plaza as Jackjaw lunged unexpectedly at Darnize, but the Umbreon was too fast and the Mightyena ended up crashing into Tockator. The large Raichu didn’t even budge or flinch as Jackjaw bounced back against Tockator’s rock hard stomach and fell onto his back. Higher Radeena was instantly at his side; but not to help.

    “What’s wrong with you?!” she shouted angrily, looking rather scary for one so old and frail, “Why did you attack?!”

    Losing all respect for the Gardevoir, Jackjaw sprang onto his feet, and he drew his black lips into a nasty snarl.

    “Didn’t you here? Those damn, devil pokemon are here, on our Island, today!” Jackjaw bellowed angrily as he then faced Darnize, “You idiot, you liar, you said they’d be here tomorrow!”

    Sprite innocently chuckled as she zipped right up to the boiling Mightyena, and she fidgeted with her pinchers as she gazed jauntily at him.

    “Uh, here’s the deal, pooch, we only, like, deliver the message” she explained slowly as if speaking to a stupid person, “It’s not our fault our Higher chose to come a day earlier, and, like, we couldn’t care less actually. But hey, now you can all decide right now what to do! Accept us or fight us, your choice, hee hee!”

    Higher Radeena was on her in a flash, and the snotty Beedrill squealed as she was struck by a powerful Psybeam that shot out like a purple laser from the Higher’s pale hand. The attack was powerful and super effective, but Sprite simply shook it away like a bad thought. Darnize pretended like nothing happened, but everyone else was shocked by their gentle leader’s fierce and quick actions. They watched as the Gardevoir towered menacingly over the Umbreon, and she boldly gazed into his unruffled eyes.

    “Listen here, outcasts,” she hissed, “You think you’re all big and bad and we all soft and friendly, but I can guarantee you you’re dead wrong. We will absolutely not allow your filthy kind to live on our island! We’ll fight you right here and now and by nightfall, Ventora will still have its former leader, Higher Radeena!”

    Everyone cheered and roared defiantly as they strongly agreed with the Gardevoir’s powerful words, but the pokemon explorers were the most excited as they bellowed out their team names.

    “Team Sunblade will roast our enemies and wear their teeth like a necklace!” boasted a huge, scarlet Charizard as he blasted a very impressive Flamethrower into the sky, “Let them come, I dare them!”

    A Milotic uncoiled upwards to full height, “Hahaha, Team SeaScale will make them beg for air as we strangle them in our deadly grips!”

    “Yo, everyone!” a huge Ninetales chimed in excitedly, “Me and mah Scorchblazers will make a bonfire outta them punks! Ya’ll ready ta make some smores?!”

    Laughter greeted his comment as the crowd grew into a wild frenzy, and Kayno couldn’t help but feel scared. He was disturbed by how cheerful everyone seemed about killing; especially RZ’s dad. These weren’t the same happy pokemon he had come to know and love, and he then desperately searched the crowd for his former friend.

    Pokemon charged and screamed everyone as they prepared for battle, and Kayno yelped as a Flygon with bloodlust in his crimson eyes accidently whacked him. He went flying into a small Chansey, and he felt her catch him and hold him tightly against her thick, rich fuscha fur that cloaked her round, shaking body.

    “Kayno, sweetie, you alright?” she asked in her usual soft voice.

    “Yeah, I’m fine, Bayla.” He lied.

    “They’re here, they’re HERE!” screeched Swellow to the untamed crowd.

    Everyone instantly became quiet.

    “Hello, everyone, so glad we could make,” a raspy croak echoed throughout Plunder Plaza, “Isn’t this exciting? We’ll all live happily together, am I right, my dear Higher Radeena?”

    Kayno jumped out of Bayla’s arms and turned around, and for the first time in his life, he met Higher Gazgik; the most terrifying pokemon he’d ever seen. From its thick neck down, the colossal Feraligatr appeared normal, but its face (or whatever remained of it) was horrifying. Glossy, pink flesh coated its entire skinless head, and it’s pale, sunken eye moved rapidly from all directions as if it was out of control.

    A navy blue headband was wrapped around its single, scarred red spike jutting out from its fleshy forehead. A purple, circular cloth was patched over its eye socket as if to hide the fact that the eye was absent, but the part that really disturbed Kayno was its mouth. The upper part of its massive, stalwart jaw was all bone, no flesh, but the bottom part of the jaw was…gone. It appeared as if the Feraligatr’s tongue was ripped off along with the lower jaw, so all you see was the pokemon’s wide, saliva-bubbling throat.

    Unable to speak, it emitted a gurgling, disturbing breathing noise, “Haaaagaaaa hooooooo hiiiiihaaaa haaaahoooohaaa….”

    “Kreeeeak! Higher Gazgik claims this land his own,” translated a Murkrow perched menacingly on the Feraligatr’s shoulder, “Graaawk! You may all have the honor of spending your now meaningful lives as his slaves.”

    Kayno was shocked, “That Feraligatr, that thing is Higher Gazgik?!”

    “Yep,” Bayla replied with a quavering voice, “Listen, I need yo-”

    “Your slaves, your damn slaves?!” shrieked Higher Radeena with sudden rage, “We’ll show you what your slaves can do!”

    “Haaaaaa hoohaaa haaaa haaaaagggggara…” Gazgik breathed.

    Murkrow launched itself into the air, “Kraaaw! Our Higher says you are all fools and the penalty shall be excruciating death!” he screeched defiantly.

    Addressing her pokemon, the albino Gardevoir pointed at Gazgik, “Attack, my children, ATTAAAACK!”

    The war began.

    Chaos exploded faster than Kayno’s pounding heart as a blinding thunder attack zigzagged a few inches above his bone head and fried three Golbat. Bayla yelled for Kayno but they were being trampled and shoved aside by charging Ventora pokemon, and the baby Cubone did the only thing he could; curl up into a ball and pray he’d live.

    No

    Despite the deafening sounds of explosions, stomping, and screaming, Kayno heard the familiar, deep voice clearly in his head.

    Wimp not you, don’t wait for death. Bring it.

    I can’t, Kayno mused nervously, I-I’m too little to battle!

    No, for pokemon, size no matter but power does.

    That’s the problem; I’m not strong at all! I’ve never battled before!

    So! Great fighters begin weak. Use war to help build power! Fight, little one, it in your blood. Your parent’s blood…

    What do you know about my parents?!

    I know mad be they to see their son be coward during war. You dishonor them.

    They-I won’t- I…

    Fight, little one, to keep your blood you must shed someone’s!

    No! I’m not like that!

    It humors me how you not know; you have darkness in you, use it for your own good… Kill...KILL!

    “PAPA, HELP ME!”

    “RZ!” Kayno shrieked as he jerked back to reality. He was no longer being trampled, for he was actually all alone now. Shaking, he jumped onto his feet and staggered a bit before taking in the scene before him.

    Dead pokemon, both Hakora and Ventora, were littered all over Plunder Plaza, and their dark red blood snaked across the ground; painting the concrete. The battle was taking place along the dirt road with powerful attacks of all kinds lighting up the sky like colorful fireworks, but it was anything but beautiful to watch. Kayno watched as flying pokemon rained down on the land pokemon like little bombs, and he winced as a Crobat’s four, spread out wings decapitated four Ventora pokemon with lighting speed; the dead pokemon didn’t know what hit them.

    “PAPA, PAAAPAAA!”

    Kayno instantly knew it was RZ desperately calling for his father; the leader of team Scorchblazers. Unfortunately, Kayno saw that the Ninetales was caught tightly by the thick, blue-scaled coils of a caterwauling Gyarados, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to answer his scared son’s cries.

    Why stand like statue? No want to help friend?

    The voice startled Kayno, “Who are you, where are you?!” he shouted.

    Answer my question.

    “Kayno, Kayno, come here, quick!” hissed a terrified voice.

    He jumped around to see Bayla peeking frightfully behind a food stand, and she beckoned him over with her pink, tiny arm.

    “Hurry, I need your help!” she cried frantically, “The nursery!”

    “B-b-but, I have to help…..I need to….” Kayno’s stammering voice trailed off as he took a hesitant step towards the Chansey.

    Traitor.

    “No I’m not!” he retorted.

    Deserter, deserter of the dead!

    “I’m deserting nobody!” Kayno’s quivering voice showed how he was on the brink of crying, “It’s just…it’s just I’m too little…I-I-I-”


    My, my, my…you’re darker than I thought. So much for best friends…perhaps when ends, you can carry one of his bones instead.


    “NO!”

    Kayno sudden outburst startled Bayla; who watched with disbelief has her nursery’s only hope bulleted defiantly towards the chaos ahead.

    “KAAAAAYNOOO!” she hollered pleadingly, “Come back, KAYNO, come back!”

    ~*~

    The pressure was too much for RZ.

    He could feel his ribs beginning to cave into his airless lungs as the muscle-bound Arbok tightened her death grip with every breath he took. RZ used up to much oxygen and strength struggling and calling for his father, and he was painfully suffering the consequences for his unthinkable actions. It felt like he had a large apple clogged in his throat that grew bigger with ever breath he took, and RZ’s head felt tingly and sort of dead as the blood circulation was blocked.

    “Sssorry, dear,” Arbok hissed softly with a not-so-sorry voice, “I’d make your death end sssooner, but I have revenge to take care of,”

    No answer.

    Arbok leaned her face in closer, “Don’t play dead boy,” she scolded cheerfully, “I know when my victimsss die, I ssstill left sssome life in you,”

    No answer.

    The purple serpent leaned in even closer, “Anssswer me boy,” she ordered with a very faint hint of concern in her voice, “I wan’t your father to here you cry sssome more, essspecially sssince he can’t do anything to sssave his only ssson!”

    No answer.

    Infuriated, the Arbok tightened her grip some more as she hissed loudly and viciously and her purple lips and honed fangs leaked poison.

    “You’re asss foolisssh asss your father when he wasss your age!” she shrieked angrily, “He dared to challenge me for treassure, and I would’ve won if he hadn’t usssed a petrify orb on me! He burned my right eye off, that little assss; you’ll take hisss place in my vengeance inssstead AAAAAAARRRRK!”

    Jaws agape, she lunged for RZ’s head, and that was just what he was waiting for. Forcing some air into his crushed body, RZ unleashed a powerful blast of fire into Arbok’s mouth.

    “AAAAAAAARRRGH!” she screamed fearfully as her tongue and gums disintegrated from the boiling inferno. Hurriedly uncoiling RZ, she slithered madly away in a desperate attempt to locate water, but she barely made it five feet. The Arbok screamed once more as the flames ate away her eyes, flesh, and then brain, and still on fire, she collapsed like a deflated balloon onto the blood-soaked dirt.

    Literally unable to see what he had done, the shaking and gasping Vulpix remained curled into a tight ball on the ground. He closed his olive eyes as he let his body slowly recover from the lack of essential oxygen, and as he faded into unconsciousness, he muttered silently over and over.

    “Mazi…Mazi…Mazi…”
    SHUT UP, BITCH!

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