Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

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    Default Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    so im making a fan fiction of pokemon with a slightly darker feel to it . I have riters block so here I am just typing whatever comes out of my mind any critique or questions about my story of any kind would b greatly appreciated. and 2 all u flamers out there plz i no i have bad spelling its a terrible sickness but im couping this isnt the actual story so i realy dont c the importance as long as i can get my point across
    my story is called Celadon Days and here is the main character...
    Misa Honda was born to the daycare couple in Goldenrod city. She was a very smart , kind and gentle girl who helped her parents care for the pokemon trainers left with them. It was with one of these pokemon whose trainer left with them that Misa got her first pokemon at the age of 5 it was a vulpix and she named her Amber. About a year later there was another pokemon born at the center whose trainer didn't want and it was a rilou she named Mooshi. Misa ,Mooshi, and Amber were soon inseperable they would go every where together she would even take them to school actualy chaining herself to a pole until her parents gave in. It wasn't that she was spoilt, Misa was a very hard working girl who adorded her parents , she just didn't understand why her 2 best friends couldn't get the same education she did. At school Misa had very few friends probably because they were all into battles and she didn't had never had an interest for them (although she had participated in 1or2 contests). She did have 1 human friend and her name was Whitney
    (continued in next post)
    Last edited by KAGOME05W; 29th May 2010 at 08:18 PM.

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    (forgot to add that)Mooshi after a couple months evolved in2 a Lucario from friendship.
    Whitney and Misa were great friends they would hang out after school playing with each other all the time. There was 1 thing that upset Misa that Whitney did and that was battle. Misa wasn't trainer she didn't have a licence or keep her pokemon in balls. She thought that forcing 2 living creatures 2 fight each other was discusting and imoral.
    Where she was 7 Misa got a corsola from the pond in her backyard and she named her Pearl. That same year another trainer left a skiploom at the daycare center and Misa took it and named her lilly.
    On her 10th birthday Misa recieved a fire stona as a gift from her parents and after asking Mooshi to translate for Misa Amber`s wishes Amber evolved in2 a ninetails.
    Misa began to have feelings for Whitney. and Mooshi courted Amber.
    Misa was 12 when she was taking care of an easily spooked eletabuzz with her mother when something startled the pokemon and it sent jolts of eleectricity through the air. Misa at the moment was grooming the pokemon as her mother pushed her aside and took the full force of the attack they would both survive but her mother would never walk again and Misa would always have a electrical burn across her forhead to remind her of that day.
    (continued in next post)

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    After the accident Misa was weary of pokemon of higher evolutions. She still loved the pokemon that she had but she would never evolve a pokemon again.
    Misa and Whitney went out for a while alittle after Whitney had become the Goldenrod gym leader but do to the fact that she was incouraging pokemon to fight each other and because Whitney could never commit to 1 relationship a got distracted by the female trainers in her gym it didn't last long
    At the age of 14 Misa`s intelligence got her in2 vetrenary school where she excelled thanks to her experience of already tak9ng care of many of the species they were studying. Misa had also recieved an togepi from prof Elm who was a friend of her parents she named him Olla.
    By now Mooshi and Amber were life parteners and were trying for a vulpix.
    When she turned 17 Misa graduated from vet school and as a gift for graduating she was given an Igglybuff she named Ella.
    (continued in next post)
    Last edited by KAGOME05W; 29th May 2010 at 04:04 PM. Reason: forgot 2 type

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    By now Amber was with child. Misa was so happy for Amber and Mooshi , they had for so long tried for a baby and their persistance had finaly payed off .
    They had asked Misa to be the midwife and as Amber went into labor Misa happily prepared to deliver the new arrival. Misa peeked in2 take a look at the baby but someting was wrong...
    continued in next post.
    Last edited by KAGOME05W; 29th May 2010 at 04:56 PM. Reason: lost connection

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    Later Misa would find out that it was a clot in the brain but right then it felt like she had killed her best friends baby. Mooshi craddled the limp form of a vulpix in his arms ,Amber cried out to hold her child . All was silent in the room Misa wreastled the vulpix away from Mooshi who after the help of Misa`s moms Kangaskuan relinquish it, walked over to Amber and held the panicing ninetails in an tight embrace she stopped struggling and fell asleep inMooshi arm a single tear running down her cheek. Mooshi sat there and cried.
    to be continued in next post

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    (this is where the story begives Misa is 19)
    Misa has always felt guilt about that day . That day is what she is dreaming about as she sits on the magnet train towards Saffron city. when she gets there Misa has lunch and at the train station and waits for her pokemon(who weren't allowed on the train with the human passengers without their pokeballs) to arrive in their cages. after letting them out of their cages and apoligising to them Misa takes a bus to the edge of the city and walks along route 7 to celadon. Just outside of Celadon Misa is greeted by a man his breath reaks of alcohol and his speech is slurred as he says "Our eyes have meet *hic I challenge you to a battle"
    Misa sighed"no"
    The mans jaw droped no one had ever turned him down before" b-but you have pokemon ,you HAVE to battle me" the man said taking out a pokeball.
    "no I don't, now if you'll excuse me"
    "no,no,no this is not how its suppost 2 go" the man whined stomping his feet as he brought out an angry looking rydon.
    "please Im not even a trainer im the new inturn at the pokemon center in celadon please just let me through"
    "not until you battle me now rydon use charge"
    Ryhdon is not a pokemon that is known for its intellegence so when its trainer told it to charge it charged the first thing it saw and that happened to be Misa. Misa started to run but saw that Olla her Togepi was glued to the spot in fear and so Misa ran back just i -n time to push Olla out of the way.
    Mooshi was picking flowers for Amber in a little glade nearby when he heard Misa scream . He took off in the durection of Misa's scream like a bullet. When he came into view of the scene he stop in his tracks for a fraction of a second a sped up again a blue blur to the human eye.
    He sped past the ryhdon,(returning to its trainer) who suddenly dropped to the ground unconcious, sped past the trainer who looked suddenly very sobreand nervous, he came to an abrupt halt 3 imches from where... 2b cont next post

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    face down in the dirt . The rest of Misa`s pokemon walked over to her unmoving form the babies began to cry out of fear. Mooshi held Misa tight in his arms took a deep breath and said *Amber don't let the children see this * Ambers nine tails imediatly covered the eyes of the cring babies Mooshi got up and walked slowly towards the man their eyes met but it wasn't the firery rage that he was expecting no what terrified him was that cold steely hatred. He tried to get away but Mooshi was faster and he grabbed him and pinned him down *our eyes have met you must fight me* he said angrily as there was a loud crack accompanied with a scream.
    "what the fuck man thats my arm"
    *Ill break alot more then that if that girl doesn't wake up you hear me!?!
    I know your aura I can find you at any time*
    Mooshi let the man fall to the ground took his pokegear out of his pocket and dialed the hospital.

    So thats what I got so far I also am planning to have Misa meet and fall in love with a terminaly ill cancer patient at the hospital and go out with him when she gets better but he is jelous that she can be so happy when her life sucks and so many people are mean to her it gets to the point where he begins to hate her and abuse her then I`ll bring in my favorite character George but ill get 2 her next post also the celdon nurse joy is a bitchv2 Misa bcause she hates her job and was forced in2 it. And Misa when she gets out of hospital will rent an apartment at the Celadon Mansion (4 those of u that dont no the celadon mansion is actualy low scale loging very misleading name)

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    ok here is my last post its about Misa's other(cooler) love interest her name is george. confusing right? let me explain her name is georgina but she hates that name so every one calls her george . George boxes in her spare time she has short blond her that never goes past her neck but is always messed up this is to counter Misa`s hair whhich goes down to herbut is always net and clean (except when shes in the garden ) and dark brown. Georbes eyes are purple (because in a world where blue hair is genetic that is acceptable) as apossed to Misa's light green. George has a large breast size because Misa is flat but she binds her breasts because of her occupation. When George came out of the closet her grandfather who is the head of the family disowned her. her parents were very sad about what they had to do and still accepted her but were forced to obey the grandfather. Sometimes they slip an envelop full of money under her doorstep. George wears very baggy clothing to cover the fact that shes a girl a it works it takes Misa 3 months to figure that out , she does this because she is a street performer she plays guitar ON A METAGROSS. Georhe and Misa start dating after Misa gets fed up with being abused.
    Well I'm finaly finished with my rant so questions? thoughts? just blurt out whatever you think i can take criticism

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    Grammar. Learn it. Fix it. The story is illegible.
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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    Quote Originally Posted by Master Luxray View Post
    Grammar. Learn it. Fix it. The story is illegible.
    This, plus some comments about formatting. You're posting all your text in one giant block and that is extremely unappealing to read.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    Quote Originally Posted by Master Luxray View Post
    Grammar. Learn it. Fix it. The story is illegible.
    um i dont know if you actualy read the 1st post but i did state that this wasn't the actual fan fiction im just brain storming and asking people to help not that you are much further more i did state that i realy dont care wat you think of my spelling or grammar and had asked you not to comment on it thirdly i am writing this all on my dsi so im slightly restricted from what i can do and how much i can type in one post

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    thank you for your contructive critism what about my story?
    Last edited by KAGOME05W; 29th May 2010 at 08:39 PM.

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    This "story" seems utterly clichéd and is hard and frustrating to read. It's all in one block. You need to work on spelling and grammar, among other things. Make sure to capitalize the first letter of every sentence. Also, punctuation does not require a space in front of it. Additionally, you spelled "writer's" wrong in the title.

    The plot seems bland and typical. Make sure to make your characters three dimensional. This is to say, present them with flaws and weaknesses.

    Sorry, I wish I had some sort of compliment.
    Last edited by Zephy; 29th May 2010 at 08:41 PM. Reason: Typo.

    Hi, I'd like to transform you into a yeti.
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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    Im sorry but this is hard to read. Its just in one whole block which seems rather annoying. The grammer has big problems in the fanfic.

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    Default Re: Celadon days (riters block) need opinions

    "ok here is my last post its about Misa's other(cooler) love interest her name is george. confusing right? let me explain her name is georgina but she hates that name so every one calls her george ."
    So confusing here. Misa is a girl, correct? And "George"/ Georgina is also a girl. Are you sure that you've planned this out correctly? It would be an interesting relationship to write about, but I'm not sure if you would want to write it like that.
    Besides that, this IS very hard to read, with the Grammatical mistakes and spelling errors. I am sure that your bad grammar is not a "disease" like you say in the first paragraph, and I'm sure you could improve some of it in a few minutes. I suggest writing your stories in word first and then copying and pasting them into the reply box, as it will allow you to have access to spell check and formatting. Also, I think you should be at the level where you should know proper grammar to begin with- you've already dropped the F-bomb a couple of times, so you do have some mature vocabulary (advice: don't drop curse words unless it's absolutely necessary- it reflects poorly on your writing).
    I've had some trouble reading these posts, but I think that with some thought and some work in the grammar and spelling department, you could get a story running here. I know that the previous comments have all addressed spelling and grammar, but it is a key part in writing a story- if we can't read it, we can't review it.

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