The Capture
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Thread: The Capture

  1. #1
    ~*lovelesslust*~ Demonic Aura's Avatar
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    Default The Capture

    Alright, here's the beginning of my one-shot fan fiction. I hope you like it, but if there is anything that you did not like, please tell me in a nice manner. Here goes:

    *******************


    Dawn. Not a whisper of sound could be heard anywhere. Faint light was pouring in from small cracks in the walls of the long since abandoned mansion. The place was completely deserted, except for a few insects living within the crevices of the floorboards. Within a small room on the third story of the mansion, lying perfectly still within the middle of the room, lay a girl, unconscious. Her clothes were tattered and ruined, and her face was a canvas of scars and blood. She had tried to call out for help before, when she was still conscious, but alas, no one could hear her, and she fell unconscious, the fatigue and injuries sustained to her body setting in.

    In the corner of the room, a shadow was squatted in the darkness, malicious red eyes peering at the girl. The shadow then walked over to the light, exposing the unbeknownst figure to be a male Lucario. He swiftly walked over to the girl and whispered faintly to himself, "What a pathetic girl. Falling victim to such a simplistic attack should not have made her faint." He growled at her with a sneer, then continued, "I'm tired of chasing you down...so it's the end of this little chase. But no matter. Master will be thoroughly pleased that I have obtained her at long last." He then hoisted the girl on his shoulder, and faded away within the darkness once more.

    *******************************
    It seemed that Lucario had vanished into the darkness and reappeared at a castle-like building. It was ominous and spooky, looking more like a dungeon than a castle. Like a flash, he ran inside. The castle walls were home to many majestic and beautiful paintings of kings and queens from past lives. Lucario ignored them all, for he had seen them numerous occasions, and walked cautiously up the staircase. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, trying to find his master's aura. Once he had detected it, he slithered down to the room in which he was in.

    A quick turn of the door handle and Lucario was inside. It was a bed chamber, large and roomy, with a canopy bed, much like royalty would have. Lucario asked within the darkness, "Master?" There was no response at first. Lucario wore a frustrated look on his face. All the trouble he went through to get a stupid girl, and now his master was nowhere to be seen?

    Then a low voice answered his question. "Yes, what is it, my loyal Lucario?" The figure was sitting in a chair, his back turned towards him. It was hard to see, but Lucario saw a hooded cloak placed upon him.

    "M-master! I have retrieved the girl. She put up a ridiculously easy fight, so it was simple to make her faint." Lucario responded. He tossed the girl upon the canopy bed in a careless manner, and then walked over to his master. "But I still have unfulfilled questions, Master. Who is she? Why is she so important? And why did you put me through so much time and effort to chase her down?"

    Lucario's master smiled, revealing a set of pearly white teeth. "In time, Lucario, all those questions will be answered for you. But for now, let us rest. In time, she will awaken, and she will have absolutely no choice but to join us."
    Last edited by Demonic Aura; 2nd April 2011 at 04:31 PM.
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  2. #2
    Registered User Shinx3000's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Capture

    Oooh I like this. Nicely laid out and can't wait to read more!

    Thanks Felly for banner

    ^That was close to me. Interesting

  3. #3
    Eeny Leeney Miny Mo! *Leeney*'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The Capture

    Nice beginning. I love the cliffhanger in the end

    ~Dressed for success

  4. #4
    How is forever? Zephy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Capture

    Très, très bien! I liked it quite a bit. I can imagine what's happening. Good detail near the start. One thing though...
    Quote Originally Posted by Demonic Aura View Post
    to faint her."
    That should say "make her faint". I'm a grammar nazi. :P

    Hi, I'd like to transform you into a yeti.
    Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.

  5. #5
    ~*lovelesslust*~ Demonic Aura's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Capture

    Thanks for the heads-up Zephy. Edit successful. <3
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  6. #6

    Default Re: The Capture

    You should probably space more bewteen paragraphs, just a thought

  7. #7
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Capture

    I like it! Keep it up.

    Coming Soon...

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