MATURE: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

  1. #1
    Registered Trainer Pokemon Trainer Calvin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Youngstown, Ohio
    Posts
    19,134
    Blog Entries
    50

    Default Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokemon. Only this story, and most of the OCs used in it.

    Prologue: Morning of the Journey

    Location: Twinleaf Town

    Time: 0700 hours

    The sun was just rising over Twinleaf Town. At this hours, two children were waking up, a boy and a girl. These two happened to be twins, Calvin and Camille O'Brien. Wait... did I say both of them were waking up? I meant Camille was waking up. She got down from the top bunk, careful not to disturb Calvin, who was still sleeping on the bottom. She went to the bathroom, washed, and got dressed. She came out wearing her long golden-brown hair in a ponytail, a long sleeved white shirt, a sleeveless black vest over it, a black skirt that reached her knees, and black leggings. A pair of black gloves with white fingers and a pair of black flats completed the look. The outfit showed off her figure, which for 10 years old, was well developed, making her the object of many boys' affections. She went to go wake Calvin.

    Calvin was an extremely deep sleeper, being able to sleep through air horns and explosions. Camille knew of one surefire way to get him up. She went downstairs to the living room. Sleeping on the couch was a Plusle and Minun. She gently picked them up, and brought them upstairs, laying them on Calvin's bed. She pinched their cheeks hard, then backed away.

    (5 seconds later...)

    Calvin was on the floor, a smoking heap. Plusle and Minun were on the bed, looking around curiously. Calvin looked up, glaring murderously at slowly pulled himself up, dusted himself off, and went to wash up. He came out with his messy golden-brown hair smooth at the top, sides, and back, but a few unruly spikes stuck out from underneath his blue and gray hat. He was wearing a gray long sleeved shirt, and a blue vest over that had 6 pockets on the outside. Blue cargo jeans, gray shoes with blue Poké Ball symbols, and a pair of blue gloves with gray trim completed the look. He looked at Camille tiredly.

    "Is that seriously the only way to wake me up?" He asked, tightening his gloves. Minun jumped on his shoulder, patting his face comfortingly.

    "The air horn didn't work, kicking you in the crotch didn't work-"

    "They're still sore, dammit." Calvin grumbled.

    "Not my fault you could sleep through Armageddon."

    "Think you can sleep through my foot kicking your ass?"

    "I'd wake up before you could even lift your foot."

    "Touche."

    "Camille 357, Calvin 350."

    "Screw you."

    "Wouldn't you like to?"

    "You offering?"

    "You'd love that, wouldn't you?" Camille whispered, kissing Calvin on the nose and waltzing downstairs, swaying her hips.

    (Wow, she's still got you whipped.) Minun said, shaking his head.

    "Shut up, who asked you?" Calvin asked grumpily.

    (3 seconds later...)

    Minun walked downstairs, leaking a few sparks. Calvin was on the ground, with sparks coming off of him.

    "Ow ow ow ow. How did I not see that coming?" Calvin groaned, getting up and walking downstairs. Camille, who was on the couch with Plusle, looked at him.

    "What happened to you?" She asked, noting his frazzled appearance.

    "He happened." Calvin said, pointing to Minun.

    (Who, me?) Minun asked, feigning innocence. Plusle high-fived him.

    "Poor you." Camille giggled.

    "Whatever." Calvin grumbled, going into the kitchen. After a few minutes, the sound of the stove turning on and a pan sizzling could be heard. Camille walked in the kitchen, and saw that Calvin was making sausage patties.

    "Smells good." Camille said, approaching.

    "Not done yet. I just put them on." Calvin said, walking over to the toaster and putting waffles in.

    "I know. It still smells good." Camille pouted.

    "Camille, that one pervert's Muk smells good to you." Calvin said, flipping the sausages.

    "I only said that so I wouldn't hurt Muk's feelings." Camille argued.

    "Then again, that's not the whole story, is it?" Calvin said, smirking.

    "Screw you."

    "Wouldn't you like to?"

    "I know you would."

    "There's not a single male in our age group that doesn't."

    "Touche."

    "Camille 357, Calvin 351." Calvin said, flipping the waffles and putting them back in. He then flipped the patties over again, and felt hot breath on his ear. "Fun fact: these sausage patties are 73% meat, and 27% fat. Said fat is currently in this skillet, and is boiling hot."

    "And..." Camille asked cutely, wrapping her arms around him.

    "If you wanna keep your flawless, gorgeous face, let go of me, sit down, and wait for your food." Calvin said, putting the patties on a ceramic plate and holding up the skillet, sloshing around the sizzling fat.

    "You're no fun." Camille pouted, walking away and sitting at the table. Plusle and Minun walked in, sitting in little high chairs exclusively for them. Calvin pulled out the waffles, and turned on an oscillating fan to cool the food down. When it was cool enough to eat comfortably, Calvin turned the fan off, and made plates. Plusle and Minun got a half a waffle and half a sausage patty apiece, cut into pieces they could eat. Camille got two patties and two waffles with butter and syrup. Calvin sat down with the same hing, and they ate breakfast quietly.
    _________________________________________________________________
    Well, that's the prologue. There will be plenty more fun like this over the rest of the story, but better. Reviews are greatly appreciated, and don't forget I take lemon requests via review or PM. I'll also take a few OCs here and there. Don't be shy about reviewing, I want everyone's opinion, positive or otherwise.
    Pearl:3996-6679-5959
    SS:4040-3317-8250
    White:2924-1613-1871
    Battle Record:23-4
    My FF.net profile~*~My new anime fic!~*~My Fanclub
    I am an official member of the Official Bulbagarden Trading Whitelist.

  2. #2
    As Dark as White can be.. Giustizia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    England
    Posts
    430

    Default Re: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    It's a good start!
    But, tell me if I getting this wrong by the way, the pair are twins yes?
    Yet they seem to almost flirt with each other. Did you intend for the pair to be portrayed like that?

  3. #3
    Me am stalking bug Instrutilus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,073
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Re: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    Make it longer, 5 pages at least. And their relationship seems...twincestious. Don't know if that's how it was meant to be portrayed, but eh. Also, 10? I doubt they'd be on their own like that, where's their parents.

    Otherwise, I look forward to this. It'll give me more insight to your characters, if or if not they're the Travelsverse ones.

  4. #4
    As Dark as White can be.. Giustizia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    England
    Posts
    430

    Default Re: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    Aha... Twincest...

    However something I do agree with is their age being slightly strange. However for all we know, their parents could just be in bed!

  5. #5

  6. #6
    Registered Trainer Pokemon Trainer Calvin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Youngstown, Ohio
    Posts
    19,134
    Blog Entries
    50

    Default Re: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    I meant for them to be 15. Next chapter is coming soon. Oh, and about the banter, for them, that's just completely normal. Is there a roblem with them being portrayed they way they currently are?
    Last edited by Pokemon Trainer Calvin; 15th May 2011 at 09:17 PM.
    Pearl:3996-6679-5959
    SS:4040-3317-8250
    White:2924-1613-1871
    Battle Record:23-4
    My FF.net profile~*~My new anime fic!~*~My Fanclub
    I am an official member of the Official Bulbagarden Trading Whitelist.

  7. #7
    Rocking the Lucario Thundagere's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,729
    Blog Entries
    17

    Default Re: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    Quote Originally Posted by Gym Leader Calvin View Post
    I meant for them to be 15. Next chapter is coming soon. Oh, and about the banter, for them, that's just completely normal. Is there a roblem with them being portrayed they way they currently are?
    I'm going to do an early review now...

    Grammar, Spelling, and Flow

    You have slight mistakes throughout the whole thing. Take a single sentence, for example:
    "What happened to you?" She asked, noting his frazzled appearance.
    Those little capitalization errors can kill it.
    Also, spelling...didn't notice anything. Flow, though, your parentheses statements (i.e., 5 seconds later) tend to get in the way a bit. They interrupt the flow. This isn't a script, it's a fanfic, I don't think those are necessary.

    Plot
    Not a big thing, nothing's actually gotten started. Keep in mind though, from the title, it sounds like a Journeyfic. Journeyfics need to be really good to be successful, they have to rise above the boring "Goes on adventure, catches Pokémon, stops evil team, etc. etc." Keep this in mind throughout your story.

    Characterization
    Ah...Twins? The banter, I could understand. But kissing? It seems just a tad...OK, a lot...too affectionate at their level. Just saying, that needs to be toned down.

    This looks like it'll go in an interesting direction, but time will tell.

    Made by Blue Dragon!

  8. #8
    Registered Trainer Pokemon Trainer Calvin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Youngstown, Ohio
    Posts
    19,134
    Blog Entries
    50

    Default Re: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    I need to say a few things. First off, the next chapter wiill be delayed for about a week due to school. Second, I see no logic in reading something and not commenting on it. If you're gonna take the time to read something, at least take the time to review.
    Pearl:3996-6679-5959
    SS:4040-3317-8250
    White:2924-1613-1871
    Battle Record:23-4
    My FF.net profile~*~My new anime fic!~*~My Fanclub
    I am an official member of the Official Bulbagarden Trading Whitelist.

  9. #9
    Outplay the Coinflip -Glory Blaze-'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Sunny Southern California
    Posts
    1,662
    Blog Entries
    4

    Default Re: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    The logic is that there are many good stroies out there that you might want to read, but far too many for it to be at all practical if you reviewed every story you read. In fact, you may not like a certain story and stop reading aster the first chapter, paragraph, or even sentence, so why review if your just gonna say, "You suck and I'm not gonna read anymore." (Obviously, most people would give advice to improve the story, but you get my point.) So most people comment only on stories that catch their interest, stories of people that they know or are friends w/, stories that they've been given via a review exchange program, or stories that are so fucking terrible that hey have to drop by and give a pity review for. Of course, other people really do try to review every story hey read (Read: Zekurom, among others), and those are fantastic people, but the reality is, most people are just too lazy.

  10. #10
    Never Alone~ <3 Elphie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Heaven <3
    Posts
    19,173
    Blog Entries
    58

    Default Re: Calvin and Camille's Sinnoh Adventure

    I like it alot, but yeah, twincest. All the more reason to add Maya. . (For those who have no idea what I'm saying, Maya is a friend of Calvin and Camille in a few RPs, and the author said he might add her.)
    I don't care about IVs or EVs, or natures or anything. I catch my Pokemon the way they are, and I love them like that.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •