The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)
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Thread: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

  1. #1

    Default The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    Note, this is in first person of the main character.

    The Butterfree Effect

    I woke up under a tree in Saffron city. I felt slightly dizzy as I got up. Deciding I would go for a walk, I pulled out a few coloured balls. They grew slightly larger as I tossed them up into the air, revealing a Raticate, charizard, nidoking, pidgeot, and starly. The coloured balls came back to my hand and I put them back into my pocket. The pokemon seemed to be in a good mood. I let them go to their own buisiness.

    Walking around, I noticed the psychic gym. I walked inside to see Sabrina readying for her challenges. "You here to give me a fight?" She asked. "Nah, just passing by." I replied.

    Then, a person wearing a Black shirt, and black jeans, and a hood over his head, leaving an ominous shade on his face walked in. "I would like to challenge the gym leader here." He said. I walked up into the stands as to not get in their way. I waited for them to start their battle.

    ==

    The chapters might take a while to post up. This is my first take at a fanfic. Please tell me if anything is wrong.

  2. #2
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    Too short, like less than a page short, also I don't think it'll be that hard to post chapters that short

  3. #3
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    As a general rule of thumb, try to make your chapters at least 1-2 pages long. Second of all, what does your main character look like? What do the Pokemon look like? What does Saffron City look like? Details like this make the story come alive.
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

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  4. #4
    Bloody Melt
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    To put what Herr Topaz said above in one sentence...assume the reader knows nothing about Pokémon, and you have to describe it to them. Yeah, I know it's hard to assume that on a Pokémon forum but...
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

  5. #5
    How is forever? Zephy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    I can't really get an idea of it because it's so short.

    Hi, I'd like to transform you into a yeti.
    Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.

  6. #6
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    Would it be okay if I locked this?
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

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    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    I don't think you have to lock this one, there's a lot of short fan fics that have not being lock

  8. #8
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    I'll leave it open to give the author a chance to revise
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  9. #9

    Red face Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    Okay... Sorry about that. This'll be much longer.

    ==

    Sitting in the stands, the battle had not begun. I felt the hardwood beneath me. Feeling my hair was messed up, I pulled out a small mirror from my large black pocket in my hoodie. My hair was sticking up, short and messy. I didn't have a comb, so I ignored it.
    I also noticed my tattered up jeans and my dirty shoes. I need to stop sleeping under trees. I thought.

    I looked up at the people who were about to begin the fight, bringing out a few coloured balls. They grew bigger, and they tossed them into the air, making a large flash of light.

    When it cleared, there was a about human sized duck-like figure. It had blue skin and looked as if it was concentrated hard on something. It had a beak and hole in it for a nose.
    Staring at it was a floating purple figure. It had floating hand-like things in front of it that were not connected to it. They had a faint red glow to them. It let out a ghostly sound and gave a large smile. It had large eyes in the shape of a half circle. The duck-like thing let out a small grunt, going into a fighting position, ready to fight.

    Looking at this, I was suddenly attracted to watching the battle. The challenger did not seem to notice me. The fight started.

    "Golduck, water gun above the haunter!" The challenger yelled. A long stream of water was sent above the haunter, not coming down. The haunter didn't notice and launched a psybeam straight at the Golduck. The golduck jumped straight out of the way easily, focusing on the water above the haunters head.

    Slightly confused, Sabrina comanded her haunter to use psychic. When the haunter did this, the golduck ignored it, barely taking any damage. It started looking at the ground instead of the water. Suddenly, the water slammed into the Haunter and landed on the ground, making the Haunter take quite a bit of damage. The water went up and down repeatedly, causing much damage to the haunter.

    I stared in amazment at what was happening. The person pulled down his hood and looked over at me. He seemed young, but I was creeped out about him. Looking closer, I noticed that he didn't have pupils in his eyes.

    The haunter finally fell over, fainted. Sabrina, hesitantly, pulled out the ball that released the haunter and pushed the button on it, returning the haunter. She then put it away. She seemed a bit more confident as she pulled out her next pokeball. There was a flash and there was a knocked out golduck and a yellow human-like figure with three red S's on its chest. It had a darker yellow above the S's. "That's Alakazam for ya!" Sabrina yelled. The challenger stared at her with his blank face.

    The challenger smiled, pulling another pokeball out. There was a flash of light, revealing a white human-like being. It had purple in it's lower tors,going around it's legs and into a white tail. It had what looked like stubs on it's head- as if it were Frankenstein- yet these were white also. It shot a menacing look at Sabrina. There was a flash, and the Alakazam was knocked out. "That's Mewtwo for ya!" He said, starting to laugh.

    I stared, not knowing what to do next.

    ==

    I hope that was better. I will have a new chapter up soon.
    Also, thank you for not locking it!

  10. #10
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    Yes! Yes! This is much better than before! I'm interested in why the challenger has Mewtwo--if this is a plot point for the story, that's fine, but be very careful when dealing with Legendaries
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

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  11. #11

    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    I got bored so I'll do some more.

    ==

    Mewtwo crossly looked at it's surroundings, ready to attack. I stared at it. Who is that guy!? I thought. As if he knew what I was saying, he turned to me. "I'm you." The Mewtwo looked at Sabrina, and a bright purple beam went to her. She went flying into the air.

    "If you are me, I can very well tell you to put her down!" I yelled, standing up and getting angry. The mewtwo shook it's head slowly. Suddenly, I felt like my mind had been pierced. dodge what he throws at you and he wont exist. It was the mewtwo.

    Sabrina was flung around, and a badge fell out of her pocket. The person who was supposively "Me" caught it. He pulled something out of his pocket. "Oh, you should take this before I make my leave..." the person said. He threw it at me. I dodged it, and it came back and hit me in the back.

    I felt as if I was just thrown off a plane. My ears were buzzing and the gym was gone. I was falling through nothing, or something. And great, not even with any pokemon.

    I started feeling as if I was being crushed. I was feeling as if I was about to die when I stopped.

    I was on solid ground. I felt different, but I couldn't figure out how. I looked up to see flashing lights everywhere. There was a sign that said ...don Department store and a clicking of coins could be heard from a casino across the street. There was yelling and policemen everywhere.

    "Where have I seen this all before..." I asked myself. I was about to waslk around some when I saw the full of that sign. Celadon department store. Aww great, I ended up in Celadon... I sat down, thinking of what my only memory of this place was.

    "Dad, there's no pokemon at the game corner!" A small me said. "Son, you can buy them with tokens." My slightly drunken father replied. "They are tortured and captured without wanting to be!" I replied, almost in tears. "Son, it doesn't matter if they are or not. A pokemon is a pokemon!" He was yelling.

    I sighed. I heard yelling that was oddly familiar. My nose suddenly started bleeding. I covered it. "What the fuck!?" I whispered to myself. The yelling grew louder. "A pokemon is a pokemon!" The yelling said.

    I heard this and ran off. Aww, crap some more. Without a pokemon AND back in time!

    ==

    It's starting to get better...

  12. #12

    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    you need to describer how you man feels you know all you said when you went back in time was "oh crap" and then you used stronger language for a simlpe nose bleed you should have reversed those so tyou said fuck when you were time traveled not when you got a nose bleed you understand.


  13. #13

    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    No before post comments! :)

    ==

    I was hiding behind a tree not too far away from the house. I heard the sound of a door slamming. My nose started bleeding more. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a napkin and stuffed it in my nose.

    The door slamming was unmistakeably mine. A person came walking straight past me. He seemed oddly familiar. My nose was bleeding alot, and the tissue fell out. The person looked around, still not noticing me, and continued on, still not looking very happy.

    I thought, I'm pretty sure that was me. I believe I'm in the past for sure now. I looked away from my tree, pulling another napkin out and stuffing it in my nose. I saw a pokemon center, the department store, the game corner, and my house.

    Well, I really have no need for the game corner or my house, but I could use the pokemon center... I thought. Hoping I wouldn't make any encounters with people I knew, I dashed for the pokemon center. I didn't see anyone on the way, but when I opened the door into the pokemon center, I saw my dad. I quickly went behind the staircase.

    Well, so far, I went to the gym and saw a mewtwo, learned that the owner of the mewtwo was supposively me, went back in time, almost ran into my past self, and saw my dad in a pokemon center. This is a rather eventful day... I thought. I didn't know what to do now that I was trapped behind a staircase. I heard the door to the pokemon center open and close. Looking around the corner, I saw that my dad had left.

    I walked up to the nurse Joy and asked for a bandage. "Hold on for a second..." She replied, reaching under the counter. She pulled out some bandages. "Here you are, sir." She said, handing them to me. I put them around my nose after taking out the napkin. "That's a wierd thing you're doing there..." The nurse said. "My nose wont stop bleeding and I need a better cover for it than a napkin..." I said, finally getting the bandage on completely.

    I put up my hood before walking outside. Noticing Saffron and it's Silph building in the distance, I wondered what was over at it. I started feeling dizzy. Must be from the nosebleed... I thought. I went and sat down at a tree, going over the things that had happened again. I sighed, reaching in my pockets.

    I felt something metal in my pocket, though. I pulled it out to see the thing that "I" had thrown at myself. It was round, had a touch screen in the middle, and no buttons. It had a white border surrounding the screen and was blue the rest of the way around.

    I poked the screen, wondering what would happen. It listed days of the year since I was born, Starting on January 14, 1998. At the top of the screen, it read Joe's Journal.

    ==

    I'm sorry if these chapters are somewhat short. I have to go to bed now...

  14. #14
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    Quote Originally Posted by Black Mage View Post
    I'm sorry if these chapters are somewhat short. I have to go to bed now...
    So um...not quite sure what that means. Why not just write the rest later?


    Either way, despite what was said earlier, there's not any minimum word requirement. Just effort really.

  15. #15
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Butterfree effect (PG but rating may change at certain points)

    If I came across as harsh, I'm sorry.
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

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