Also, since MODOK and Dan's themes are already used in the OST, I'm changing my theme to Waluigi Pinball.
Also, since MODOK and Dan's themes are already used in the OST, I'm changing my theme to Waluigi Pinball.
I have no idea. So...
You wanted me to rate your fic, so here I am, rating it. This is only for the first three chapters, so far. It might get better as I move along.
This was done reasonably well. It's not like you're just cramming everything in. It does move forward, at least, albeit a little aimlessly.
It seems like the initial premise is that they're going on a date, but it didn't really seem to go anywhere just yet.
I know that these characters are based on real people, but I don't understand those people exceptionally well, so forgive me if I think the characters seem a little unbelievable.
They're mostly alright, though. I don't know any of the memes around here, so I'm reading this like an outsider. That's why I know that there are memes, but I know nothing about them, leaving me utterly confused.
Grammar, style, and flow: 4/10
You did break the fourth wall, but not in a way that didn't also break the suspension of disbelief. It was too direct.
Also, some events are happening a little too suddenly.
Overall rating: 48/100
The sheer fact that you used so many Bulbagarden memes has me thinking that the quality of the fic got lodged in the drain. Didn't go entirely down, but kinda sorta.
It's okay to have a few of them, but once you start trying to include them on purpose, instead of waiting for the perfect place to place one in, they start seeming forced and artificial.
Maybe it's just the entire concept is borked when I look at it. This "low" rating is definitely not entirely your fault. There are too many opportunities for misunderstanding.
Last edited by Zekurom; 27th October 2010 at 10:58 PM.
The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.
Chapter Eight: The Treachery of Max King
"Y-you?!" Serebii exclaimed. Jabber and I glanced at each other, and we both instantly understood: none of use had any clue what the hell was going on here.
"Yes, there's no longer any reason to hide it any longer," said what's-his-face - Max. "I'm the one who set you up, manipulated the town officials, and waited ever so long, so that this day would come. The day where I would lead my glorious army to victory, and begin an empire spreading from Bulbagarden to encompass the entire world! Gahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! And what's more, you can't stop me."
"But why me?" Serebii asked. "And why go through all this trouble to take over?"
"I ran the plan through my head hundreds of times," said Max. "In the end, I decided that getting you banned was the only way I could travel around the country amassing an army, alongside the person who would hate Archaic the most for putting him in that position - you. His best friend. You were the one who would feel most betrayed, the most outraged at Archaic's decision. I couldn't have asked for a better fall guy."
"Oh, God," said Archaic, his eyes growing as big as plates. "I was wrong. I was so, so wrong."
"Yes," Max agreed, "but I couldn't have done it without you."
"You... you set me up!" Serebii growled. "Soldiers! Kill him!"
The soldiers did nothing.
"Did you not hear me?" Serebii roared. "Kill him!"
"You don't control them," Max bragged. "You never have. The soldiers, the generals... all the time, they were loyal to me."
Serebii pulled out four more Poke Balls and tossed them. A Gliscor, Electvire, Lucario, and Daikenki joind the Honchkrow and Charizard. "I could shoot you," he said, "but I think I'd rather give you a fate worse than death."
"And what would that be?" Max laughed.
"The fast track to a life sentence," said Serebii. He glanced at Archaic. "Are you with me, old friend?" he asked.
"What?" said Archaic, surprised. "But... I put you in this situation. You have every right to hate me. Why ask for my help?"
"It... it wasn't your fault," said Serebii. "In your position, I would have done the same. And Max was wrong. As much as I want to, I just can't bring myself to hate you. Not like you very much, yes. Harbor resentment for what you did, absolutely. But you were a brother, Archaic. My family when I had none. And after all this time, for some reason, I dread that ever changing. So, I ask again. Are. You. With. Me."
Archaic's face broke into a grin. "Absolutely," he said, and grabbed four Poke Balls of his own. He threw them, revealing a Venasaur, Enbuoh, Kingler, and Pinsir.
"How very scary," Max joked, and threw his own Poke Balls, releasing a Muk, Raichu, Yanakkie, Kuitaran, Tsunbear, Waruvial, and Abagoura. "A Pokemon battle, then? How very nostalgic," he said. "Shall we begin?"
"After we make sure you don't try anything underhanded," said Serebii. "Pokemon, attack the soldiers!" Serebii's Pokemon fanned out and attacked the mooks with frightening ferocity. They were all taken out in short measure.
"This is gonna be awesome," Kitty whispered. "The mayor and some other dude taking down the bad guy!"
Serebii and Archaic's Pokemon charged Max and his.
Alison was the first to speak after Max's Pokemon beat Serebii and Archaic with ease.
"I... I can't believe it," she said. "They lost. The town... the town is doomed."
Max laughed wickedly. "So much for the power of friendship, eh?" he said. "You're beaten, and the town is mine."
Serebii pulled out a gun. I saw Tyler wince out of the corner of my eye.
"Not yet," Serebii said. "I still have this."
Max laughed again. "Yanakkie, use Vine Whip to relieve him of his weapon," he ordered. The monkeyish-looking Pokemon extended a vine from its wrist that wrapped around Serebii's gun, pulled it out of his hand, and tossed it, sending it to the floor with a clatter.
"We've gotta stop him," said Dan, standing up.
"What the hell are you doing?" Alison hissed. "Get back down!"
"Sometimes, Ali," said Dan, "the only thing you can do that makes any sense at all is save the frickin' town. GERONIMO!"
And then he jumped down to the battlefield, releasing Bidoof as he did so.
Tyler grinned. "I'll say this about Dan," he said. "When he's right, he's right. C'mon, Smugleaf." And he jumped down too.
"Let's do this," said Aaron, letting out his Houndoom, Espeon, Absol, Zuruggu, and Komotana. He joined Tyler and Dan.
Kitty was next, releasing her Persian, Glameow, Delcatty, and Lepardas.
After Kitty was Alison, who let out her Ninetales, Teddiursa, Umbreon, and Porygon.
I was the last. I sighed and sent out my Pokemon: Tara the Torterra, Swampy the Swampert, Stark the Staraptor, Abby the Absol, Phonicks the Tropius, Paco the Hihidaruma, and Marty the Shimama. Leaping over the railing, we joined our friends.
"More challengers?" said Max. "Interesting. Just children, too. Shame to have to kill such young ones. You could have achieved so much in my new world."
"Get out of here, kids," Archaic ordered. But Dan shook his head.
"No can do, Mr. Mayor," he said. "We gotta try to stop this dude before he turns Bulbagarden into basically the worst place on the entire planet."
Max laughed. "I would very much like to see you try."
"See away then," Aaron said, and our Pokemon attacked.
That line would have been significantly more badass had we actually beaten Max. But we didn't. As a matter of fact, he curbstomped us. It looked like we were all dead meat.
Then Uncle Saturn blew the door up.
He strode in, flanked by his Pokemon, plus a Sazandora. He nodded to the nine Pokemon and they swarmed Max's creatures, easily taking them down.
"How did you... what did you..." Max stammered. "Who are you?"
"Don't you remember me?" asked Saturn. "I might have known you were involved in this, Max King. You always were a little slimeball."
Max's eyes narrowed. "Now I remember you," he snarled. "Long time, no see, Saturn Yoshi. You were in the graduating class two years ahead of me. You kept me from getting a job at the zoo."
"The experiments you were proposing were inhumane and immoral," said Saturn. "All I did was let the zoo know that."
"And now you've got me helpless," said Max. "What are you going to do with me?"
"This," said Saturn. "Koffey, if you would?"
"Koffing," said Koffman, Saturn's Koffing. It floated to Max and exhaled a cloud of noxious gasses. I couldn't see Max's face, but I'm sure his eyes were rolling into his head a he collapsed, unconscious.
"And that, it seems," said Saturn, "is that."
"The city is forever in your debt, Dr. Yoshi," said Archaic.
"Oh, it shouldn't be; I was just passing through," said Saturn. "I received a call from this one's mother," he said, glancing at me, "telling me that he and his friends were at Smogon University, with instructions to collect them." he poked Max with his foot. "Beating up this ass was just a happy coincidence."
"Nevertheless, we are grateful for your efforts in stopping the invasion," said Archaic, shaking Saturn's hand. He turned to Serebii. "Joe," he said, "while I am sorry for what you have been through the past 16 years, you have still committed crimes tonight. I can drop charges for the invasion, but you have no justification for shooting one of my Admins. You will serve two months' prison time for that."
Serebii nodded. "I can accept this."
"Now," said Saturn, "I'd better get you kids home. It's way past your bedtime. Oh, and Jabber," he added. "The Sazandora's yours. You'll need to trade in a Pokemon to have it with you, though, so send your exchange to me when you've decided what it is."
"For me?! Really?!" I exclaimed.
"For you," Saturn confirmed, "really. What are you going to call her?"
I looked at the Sazandora. It nuzzled me on the cheek. "Hydra," I said. "I'll call her Hydra."
Best. Homecoming. Ever.
Next Time: Things get back to normal! But what's this? Ken's having trouble asking out Maya for real! Can Jabber and friends play matchmaker successfully, or just make things worse? See what happens in Chapter Nine: "Make Me A Match!"
Until Next Time, See Ya!
You'll get a proper battle very soon, I promise.
So fast, so fast...!
Heel Face Turn: too fast.
Archaic and Serebii losing: too fast.
Jabber and pals losing: too fast.
The Cavalry: too fast.
Max losing: too fast.
...lastly, Dan might be reckless and an idiot hero generally, but hey, he gets the badass badge for this chapter. And Serebii gets the large ham one, 'cause of that "Are. You. With. Me" bit (bold and italics would have been awesome and appropriate)
Pacing is always hard. I spent months writing Son of Earth and I looked back and saw Dante had been on his journey a grand total of three days.
For this sort of thing though, I'm willing to excuse it. Things always happen fast on forums.