TEEN: Brotherhood

Page 1 of 5 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 64
Like Tree4Likes

Thread: Brotherhood

  1. #1
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    London
    Posts
    4,152
    Blog Entries
    68

    Default Brotherhood


    [Credit for amazing banner goes to Red!]



    Hi all.

    You may remember that after I came back from my LOA over November and December that I said I wasn't going to write any fanfiction until I was finished with all my essays and exams. Well, guess what? I'm finished with all my essays and exams. I give you fanfiction. Let me know what you think!

    EDIT: Chapter summaries for those who can't quite remember what's happened, but can't be bothered to read over the whole thing can be found here: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f512/brotherhood-chapter-summaries-138971/

    Contents




    Chapter 1 - Face-off


    A young man, about seventeen years old, with bright red hair shaved into a Mohican, wearing a white vest and blue jeans, sat down on a sofa in a dark, dank room, and switched on the television set opposite him. The noise and light from the television set immediately brought the small room to life. The teenager grumbled to himself under his breath as he watched what was on the screen.

    ‘We’re here today to watch the long awaited battle between Will Wynne and Ecruteak City’s Gym Leader, Morty. The battle is due to commence any minute now.’

    ‘You can really hear the excitement in the crowd, Bill. They’ve been waiting a long time for Will Wynne to come to Ecruteak.’

    ‘That they have, John. If he can win here, this will be Will’s fifth Badge. Will Wynne fan sites are reporting that if he’s victorious today, he plans to head to Violet City and challenge Falkner.’

    ‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Bill, he’s got to win here first! Do we have any idea of what Pokémon he’s planning to use?’

    ‘All we know officially is that he’s planning to use just three Pokémon, but there’s been no statement of what they are.’

    ‘I don’t know about you, Bill, but I’d put my money on that trio being his famous Nidorino, Golduck, and Heracross.’

    ‘I’d be with you on that one, John. I’ll die a happy man if I live to see the day that a trainer manages to become the Champion of the Indigo Plateau using just three Pokémon, and I think that day might be soon.’

    ‘One step at a time, Bill, he’s only got four Badges!’

    ‘I’m gonna put it out there, John. I think Will Wynne’s got what it takes to bring the Indigo Championship back to Johto!’

    ‘It’s funny you should mention that, Bill. A surprisingly little known fact is that Johto’s last Champion, Terrence Starr, is actually Will’s uncle!’

    ‘Wow! There’s really some talent in that family! I wonder if we’ll see a similar show from the younger Wynne brothers in the near future?’

    ‘We can only hope, Bill.’

    ‘Oh! The trainers have both entered the arena! It looks like the battle’s about to start! Make sure you don’t take your eyes off the screen for even a second, folks.’

    Will walked up the staircase out of his dressing room, which led to the main arena of Ecruteak Gym. He was no longer entertained by the little unique flavours that each Gym gave its main arena, but did wonder for a few seconds how the technical team at Ecruteak had managed to get theirs to float, seemingly unsupported. It was a regulation size slab of concrete with eerie candles lining the sides of the arena, floating above a shadowy pit through which the staircases to the changing rooms stretched. As Will arrived on the arena, and took his place in the challenger’s stand, a large cheer erupted in the room. He looked around. It was the biggest crowd he had ever battled in front of. In fact, the number of people who came to watch his battles seemed to at least triple in size with every additional Badge he won. He recalled that when he won his first Badge, back home in Goldenrod, there had been precisely twelve spectators. Today, there were closer to twelve hundred. He scanned the room for his family, but there were too many people present for him to pick them out. He looked across the arena to the Leader that he was challenging today, Morty.

    Morty had a similar physique to Will’s own: he was slim and slightly taller than average, but in place of Will’s short, black hair he had a mop of blonde hair contained by a purple sweatband. The two battlers gave each other a nod of recognition, and both of their hands went to their first Poké Ball. The referee, who was standing on the side of the arena, raised his microphone to his mouth.

    ‘Leader ready?’

    Morty gave a sharp nod.

    ‘Challenger ready?’

    Will nodded too.

    ‘Gym challenge, commence!’

    Both trainers hurled their Poké Ball into the middle of the arena with all their might. Morty’s Poké Ball exploded to reveal a Misdreavus, while Will’s released a Heracross. The crowd’s excitement audibly increased.

    ‘In the air, Misdreavus!’ shouted Morty.

    ‘Go with it!’ ordered Will in response.

    Misdreavus floated quickly into the air, and Heracross opened its wings and flew up after it. Before they even stopped moving, the next orders were yelled.

    ‘Knock that bug out of the sky with a Shadow Ball barrage!’

    ‘Heracross! Hurricane manoeuvre!’

    In the crowd, Frankie Wynne, Will’s twelve year old brother, turned in confusion to Max Wynne, his fourteen year old brother.

    ‘Max, what’s a hurricane manoeuvre? I’ve never heard of that move.’

    ‘Oh, jeez! Have you never seen Will battle before or are you just stupid?’

    ‘Max, be nice to your brother,’ snapped their mother, who was sitting on the other side of Frankie.

    ‘Will runs drills with his Pokémon, and then gives out his orders cryptically so he doesn’t give away his tactics to his opponent,’ explained Max, ignoring his mother completely.

    Frankie did not respond, but nodded slowly with his eyes glued to the battle field in front of them.

    Morty’s Misdreavus began firing an enormous number of Shadow Balls at Heracross, but none of them hit. Heracross started flying around Misdreavus in a circle, constantly picking up speed, as well weaving up and down, making it impossible for the Ghost Pokémon to land an attack. Although to the average spectator, it may have appeared that he had the upper hand, Will was all too aware that the current situation was a deadlock. Misdreavus wasn’t going to hit Heracross any time soon, but there was no way Heracross could get close enough to land an attack either. Looking across the arena at Morty, Will could tell that the Gym Leader had also worked this out. The trainers stared each other in the eyes for a few seconds, each silently demanding that the other gave in first. They both knew that neither Pokémon could keep this up for much longer. Eventually, Morty conceded.

    ‘Get in closer to it, Misdreavus. Close the gap.’

    On Morty’s orders, Misdreavus began floating towards Heracross as it circled, significantly reducing the distance between the two.

    ‘Hit with a Shadow Claw when it gets close, Heracross,’ retorted Will.

    There were howls of excitement from the crowd. The battle was beginning to look more and more dangerous. It was obvious that one of the Pokémon was going to get hit soon, and whichever one it was would then find it difficult to defend itself against further attacks. Heracross’ left claw lit up with a spectral glow as it prepared its attack, and began swinging wildly in the hope of hitting Misdreavus. At the same time, Shadow Ball attacks whizzed past it, barely missing its wings, legs, and horn. The two trainers stared at each other ferociously, both of them all too aware of how volatile the situation was. Suddenly, the entire stadium erupted in screams and applause. Will and Morty quickly looked up to see what had happened. Misdreavus was tumbling in the air after having been hit by Heracross’ Shadow Claw. Will noticed Morty curse.

    ‘Oh! What a hit!’

    ‘Well, you can’t expect any less from the inestimable Will Wynne, Bill!’

    ‘His Heracross has gained the upper hand. There’s only one way this face-off is gonna go now! Morty’s Misdreavus is going down!’

    The red haired teenager, watching on television, furiously threw the remote control on the floor, causing it to smash into several pieces.

    ‘Watching Champ’s battles always makes you so angry. Maybe you shouldn’t watch them?’ came a voice from behind him.

    ‘Don’t call him that.’

    ‘But-’

    ‘I’ll watch whatever I god damned wanna watch. Now shut up or get the fuck outta here.’

    Although Will was delighted by the support the crowd and commentators were giving him, he knew that they were jumping to conclusions. Heracross hadn’t beaten Misdreavus yet. The Ghost Pokémon was still launching a constant stream of Shadow Balls, but, unable to aim competently because of the damage taken from Heracross’ Shadow Claw, it was now launching them in random directions. In some ways, this was more dangerous.

    ‘Get in close, and hit again! As fast as possible, Heracross!’

    ‘Contingency plan A, Misdreavus.’

    Will was puzzled for a second, but then realised what Morty was planning seconds too late. He opened his mouth to call off Heracross’ attack, but just as he did, the Bug Pokémon tore into Misdreavus’ semi-corporeal side with its glowing claw. The crowd cheered wildly as Misdreavus plummeted to the floor of the arena. The cheering stopped abruptly as Heracross did exactly the same.

    The red haired teenager let out a burst of laughter, knowing exactly what happened. He was beginning to wish he had gone to see the match live after all.

    ‘Woah! What just happened, Bill?’

    ‘I don’t know, John, I just don’t know. Will’s Heracross hit Morty’s Misdreavus with a Shadow Claw, knocked it out, and then for some reason fainted.’

    ‘Did it run out of energy? Flying that fast for that long must put a strain on a Pokémon.’

    ‘That could– Hang on, I’m getting something in from our Technical Expert. Apparently what we just saw was a Destiny Bond. If a Pokémon uses that move right before it’s knocked out, then it can bring its opponent with it!’

    ‘Wow, that’s sneaky!’

    ‘More interesting is that Misdreavus can only learn Destiny Bond through breeding. That means that the father of Morty’s Misdreavus has to have been one of a limited number of species including the Gengar line!’

    ‘Well, then it looks like Morty might be battling with a family team. Maybe we’re about to see Daddy come out and avenge his daughter?’

    ‘Maybe so, John, maybe so.’

    Will pulled his next Poké Ball from his belt, and threw it out into the arena as Morty did the same. Will’s Golduck emerged from its Poké Ball to find itself standing opposite a Haunter.

    ‘Shield Drill, Golduck!’ commanded Will.

    ‘Shadow Ball, Haunter,’ responded Morty.

    Golduck generated a small, green shield on each of its hands, and, as Haunter’s Shadow Ball approached, used one of them to deflect it off into a random direction. The excitement from the crowd spiked as the Shadow Ball flew up, and exploded against the ceiling above one of the stalls.

    ‘So that’s your game,’ said Morty, ‘Well, that’s not a problem. Haunter, disappear.’

    As commanded, Haunter slowly faded until it was completely invisible. Will smirked. He had seen this technique before, and he knew exactly what was coming.

    ‘Golduck, full circle block,’ he commanded.

    As he predicted, when Golduck span on the spot, with both of its shielded hands outstretched, one of them hit Haunter, who suddenly reappeared and tumbled across the arena. Once again, the crowd erupted in excitement.

    ‘John, it looks like Will has gotten the upper hand again.’

    ‘You’re right there, Bill. Morty’s Destiny Bond trick may have been clever, but this battle is going exactly the way Will wants it to right now.’

    ‘Haunter! Disappearing double attack!’

    ‘Golduck! Spinning block again! This time hit it with a Psychic when it reappears!’

    Again, Golduck span on the spot with its shielded hands extended, and, again, as it did so, it managed to block an attack. Immediately, Golduck launched a Psychic at its assailant. However, to both Will and Golduck’s surprise, the assailant was not Morty’s Haunter, but a disembodied purple hand. Less than a second later, Golduck was hit by a full body attack from behind, knocking it to the ground. Haunter floated above it, laughing triumphantly for a second, before disappearing once more.

    ‘Oh no!’ exclaimed Frankie Wynne, ‘Is Will gonna lose?’

    ‘Don’t be stupid,’ answered Max Wynne, ‘He’ll turn it around. He always does. Sometimes I think he just does things like this to maintain the suspense.’

    There was a buzz of excitement in the crowd. Few of the people present had ever seen such an intense battle, including Will’s previous Gym challenges. The trainers were not only incredibly talented, but also evenly matched.

    ‘Golduck, be ready for multiple attacks this time! Don’t launch an offensive, just keep defending!’

    For a third time, Golduck began spinning on the spot, with its shielded hands blocking the possibility of any attack. As last time, a purple hand suddenly flew off, deflected. Golduck continued to spin, and the same happened again. Will smiled. So Morty’s plan was just to go from using one hand as a decoy to using both – it wasn’t particularly inspired.

    ‘Keep spinning, Golduck,’ ordered Will calmly, confident that Haunter would soon barge Golduck with its body.

    Golduck continued to spin, but, to Will’s surprise, was then knocked to the floor. Haunter had indeed barged Golduck with its body, but had attacked from above, where there was an opening in Golduck’s defense.

    ‘Psychic!’ cried Will desperately, knowing there wasn’t much more that Golduck could do at this point.

    Golduck, still on the floor, turned to face Haunter, and used all its concentration to send a psychic assault flying in its direction. Unfortunately, Haunter flew back from the Water Pokémon, and successfully avoided the attack. Golduck struggled to stand, but was hit by a barrage of Shadow Balls, preventing it from doing so, and eventually knocking it out.

    The red haired teen bellowed with laughter, watching the television set in front him with glee.

    ‘Looks like things aren’t going well for Won’t Wynne! He’s down to his last Pokémon!’

    ‘Ha, “Won’t Wynne”,’ came the voice from behind him, ‘That’s a good one.’

    ‘Shut up, Chubby,’ snapped the red haired teen.

    Will grabbed his last Poké Ball from his belt. It had never been this close before. If he was finding it this difficult to get his fifth Badge, how could he expect to follow in his uncle’s footsteps, and become the next Champion? He had come here prematurely. He made a mental note to do a lot more training before challenging Falkner.

    ‘Wow. Can you believe it, John? Will Wynne down to his last Pokémon while Morty still has two practically at full health!’

    ‘That’s right, Bill, but let’s not forget that Will’s last Pokémon is his Nidorino – his strongest one of all!’

    ‘Of course, but we all know Morty’s Gengar is no pushover. This isn’t gonna be easy for Will.’

    As Will’s Nidorino emerged from its Poké Ball, the crowd went wild. It was a fan favourite, there was no denying that, but that didn’t mean it was capable of beating both of Morty’s two remaining Pokémon by itself.

    ‘Haunter, another disappearing attack!’

    ‘Nidorino, Accuracy Drill Two!’

    As Haunter disappeared again, Nidorino began charging around the arena extremely quickly, building up speed. It ran in circles with no clear aim except to be constantly running. After a few seconds of this, it began periodically raising its right claw, which shone with a spectral glow, as Heracross’ had earlier, and slashing the air beside it. This continued for some time, without Haunter reappearing.

    Will once again stared across the arena at Morty. Although it escaped the audience around them, they both understood the significance of what was happening. While Nidorino was aimlessly running and hitting, its movements were so unpredictable that Haunter could not aim at it. Additionally, Nidorino’s seemingly random use of Shadow Claw, and the fact that Nidorino was moving much faster than Haunter meant that there was a very real chance that Haunter could be hit by the attack at any moment. As Haunter had sustained a small amount of damage from Golduck’s earlier deflections, and Shadow Claw was particularly effective against it, there was a very real chance that being hit even once could knock it out, or at the very least give Nidorino the opportunity to easily finish it off. However, unfortunately for Will, Nidorino did not get a lucky hit on Morty’s Haunter, and, unable to maintain sustained extreme physical exertion for an infinite amount of time, soon began slowing down. Not thirty seconds after its initial drop in speed, Nidorino was collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily, and trying to recover some energy.

    Whispers of anticipation began building up throughout the crowd. It looked as if the battle was irrevocably in Morty’s favour – even if Nidorino managed to get lucky against Haunter, there was no way it would be able to keep up the momentum for a second victory. What happened next though, was a major shock to all, particularly Haunter. There was a sudden flash of light from Nidorino, and Haunter, now visible, flew backwards from its body, tumbling across the arena. Nidorino immediately leapt after it, and began slashing at it mercilessly, both of its claws now lit up with the familiar spectral glow of a Shadow Claw. The crowd went wild, though practically none of them understood what had happened.

    ‘Bill! Just when you think he’s out, he brings it back! What just happened?’

    ‘I don’t know, John, but I can tell you one thing – that Haunter is out of the battle!’

    ‘Nothing from the Technical Expert yet?’

    ‘Not yet, he’s still trying to figure it... Oh! We’ve got something! Apparently this is similar to a move that Will used against Chuck! Nidorino was actually just feigning exhaustion in an attempt to make the opponent touch it! Against Chuck, Will had had Nidorino exude a particularly venomous poison from its spines to poison Chuck’s Poliwrath, but here Nidorino has apparently readied a supercharged electric attack. Presumably it put so much energy into the attack that it didn’t actually have the strength to fire it, meaning it needed to trick Haunter into touching it at the perfect moment!’

    ‘So the running around was all an act?’

    ‘Well, maybe, maybe not. I’m sure Will would have been delighted if Nidorino had gotten lucky and hit Haunter with a Shadow Claw, but it appears that that wasn’t the main intention of the move.’

    ‘Fascinating, Bill, just fascinating. I feel like I’m watching history in the making.’

    Will stared intently as Morty drew his final Poké Ball from his belt. Anyone who knew the first thing about the Gym Leaders of Johto knew that that Ball contained a Gengar, Morty’s signature Pokémon. Gengar erupted from its Poké Ball to rapturous applause. For a second, Will tried to work out whether the applause had been louder for Nidorino or not, but quickly returned his focus to the battle. He knew exactly what to do. He had studied video tapes of battles against Morty’s Gengar religiously, and had been able to devise an excellent strategy for defeating it. Of course, it was completely theoretical, so there was plenty of room for failure.

    ‘Nidorino, you know what to do!’

    ‘Gengar, vanish.’

    Nidorino began tunnelling into the ground, as Gengar faded into invisibility.

    ‘Hiding?’ asked Morty, surprised, ‘Gengar, blow that rat out of its hole. Your strongest Shadow Ball from high above. Don’t let it go until it’s fully charged or Nidorino emerges.’

    Gengar faded back into view, floating high above the arena. It raised its arms above its head, and slowly began creating a dark ball of energy. The ball slowly became bigger and bigger, shaking as if it could explode at any moment. The tension in the arena was incredible. The entire audience waited with bated breath to see what would happen next. As Gengar continued to charge its attack, Morty eyed the hole that Nidorino had disappeared into suspiciously. He knew there was more to it than merely hiding, but he couldn’t figure out what. He suspected Nidorino would emerge from the hole just as the attack was launched, dodge the attack, and attempt to hit Gengar while its guard was down. That was why he had had Gengar attack from so high – as well as Gengar being too high for Nidorino too easily hit it with an attack, gravity meant that the Shadow Ball would move so fast that it would be extremely difficult to dodge from out of such a small hole.

    ‘Nidorino’s not gonna be able to survive that Shadow Ball, Max,’ said Frankie Wynne, ‘I’m scared.’

    ‘Oh shut up, stop being such an idiot. It’s not gonna hit him. Will has a plan... He always has a plan.’

    ‘Max!’ snapped their mother, not taking her eyes off the match.

    Meanwhile, the red haired teen was becoming extremely agitated.

    ‘Come on, Morty, if you’re that fucking stupid, why are you a Gym Leader? Come on, this is transparent!’

    ‘You’ve seen Morty’s Gengar in action before. After it’s charged its attack to full power, ain’t nothing gonna come out of it conscious.’

    ‘Are you really that fucking stupid too, Chubby? God damn it, I don’t know why I keep you around at all.’

    It was almost a full minute that Gengar charged its Shadow Ball for. Sweat dripped freely down both Will and Morty’s foreheads. Both of them knew that what happened now would decide the match, and they were both uncomfortably aware that their plans were far from infallible. Finally, the moment came when Gengar could pass no further energy into its Shadow Ball without risking being unable to fire it, and knocking itself out. It flung the enormous attack down the tunnel that Nidorino had dug at full force. The excited screams from the audience made it difficult to pay attention to the battle. To Morty’s surprise, Nidorino did not emerge as the attack reached the ground, and the Shadow Ball actually successfully went all the way into the hole. Silence fell in the arena. Every man, woman, and child stared intently at the hole, trying to figure out what was happening. After about a second, the enormous Shadow Ball came flying back out of the hole, moving at such a speed that it was impossible for Gengar to dodge it. The Ghost Pokémon was immediately knocked out. The referee tried to announce Will’s victory, but went completely unheard over the incredible noise that the crowd made, even with his microphone. Seconds later, Nidorino burst out of the same hole, surrounded by what looked like broken glass, glittering gloriously in the arena’s lights.

    ‘Woah! What the hell just happened, Bill?’

    ‘I- I can’t believe what I just saw. Nidorino somehow fired the attack back at Gengar! Oh, hang on, I’ve got the Technical Expert. He thinks Nidorino used some sort of Ice technique to create a defensive, reflective layer above its hiding place in the hole. That would have caused the attack to be fired back, and accounts for the small diamonds that surrounded Nidorino as it finally emerged. It also explains why the Shadow Ball was moving so quickly when it came back out – rather than simply blocking the attack and firing it back, which would have slowed it down, the ice caused the attack to slip and spin, speeding it up even more.’

    ‘Wow, Bill, that’s really something. What a match!’

    ‘That’s right, and, don’t forget, you saw it here first, folks. That was Will Wynne’s fifth Gym victory, and his next step towards bringing the Championship back to Johto.’

    ‘Don’t go anywhere, because in just five minutes, Rod Cotton has got an exclusive interview with the man himself. That’s certainly not-’

    The red haired teen stood up, and put his foot through the television set.

    ‘It’s about time that cock sucker got what’s coming to him.’
    Last edited by Gama; 6th November 2012 at 01:20 PM.

  2. #2
    Me am stalking bug Instrutilus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,072
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Nice, interesting looking story. I see Will has a bit of an ego, evident when he briefly tries to figure who the applause was louder for :L And I wonder who the red haired kid is...

    Ah well, interesting opening I look forward for the rest. Now, back to Pokémon Academy.

  3. #3
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    3,346
    Blog Entries
    564

    Follow Tsutarja on Tumblr

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Story wise, this chapter was vague, but you're likely to expand on that in future chapters.

    But man, oh man, was this a dynamic and well thought out battle. I fully enjoyed every second of it and I could completely imagine what was going on on the field during the gym battle. I loved it, I loved your descriptions, the way Will gave out commands to his Pokémon - every little bit regarding this battle, I was just stunned. Needless to say, this battle was spectacular.

    Great battle!

  4. #4
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Central
    Posts
    2,674

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    This is absolutely terrible!! And you call yourself a writer!

    You know I'm kidding, Gama ;P. Fantastic. It was written really well, flowing in a way that made it easy and fun to read. The battle was awesome too. I thought for a second Morty was gonna win, but seems I was wrong. Great man! Can't wait to read more.

    By the way, what's a manoeuvre? I think you're saying "maneuver" right? That's the American spelling, so I think you're using the UK spelling. Just wanted to ask to be clear.
    Last edited by Pride; 31st May 2012 at 05:10 AM.

  5. #5
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Pacific Northwest
    Posts
    977
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Will Wynne? Will Wynne? Come on Gama, I thought you were better than that!

    But in all seriousness, this was pretty cool. The over-excitement of the announcers and the agitation of the red-haired kid were both quite hilarious, as was the dialogue between Will's brothers. The battle was certainly unique, which is something rare. I can see that you're trying to inject more of a professional sports atmosphere into Pokemon battling, and you're pulling it off quite well. I look forward to more of your work.

    Unpredictable - Fan Fic
    * * * * *
    Find me on Soundcloud

  6. #6
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    3,394
    Blog Entries
    65

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Great battle! Like everyone has said, a very intriguing start!

  7. #7
    Master Nerd ninjanerd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Here
    Posts
    15

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this battle based off of the Red/Blue intro video? Nidorino v.s. Gengar?

    Anyways, good as always, gama. The description of the battle was captivating, and I was pulled in right away. Can't wait to see more!
    Follow a former Rocket Executive as she searches for Giovanni! Wait, a male Gardevoir? This and more on my fanfic:
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/where-world-giovanni-pg-15-a-124521/

  8. #8
    The small giant Flaze's Avatar Moderator
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Why do you care
    Posts
    59,601
    Blog Entries
    151
    Add Flaze on Facebook
    Follow Flaze on Tumblr Visit Flaze's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    So another fic coming from the great Gastly's Mama, what to say, what to say.

    While the chapter was good, great even, I feel like this was only on the technical point. Now, we both know that battling isn't exactly your strong point, your more of a story and plot developtment kind of guy so I felt that making the whole of chatper 1 a battle was kind of, rushed.

    When you kept switching to show us what Will's siblings were doing or what the red haired boy was doing it was all in one sudden stroke, no scene break or something to tell us that you'll be switching. Also I felt like the battle was kind of quick, a round usually went by in less than a paragraph, now I don't mind that but it felt more like you were listing events rather than describing them; though we all have that problem sometimes so I don't blame you for it.

    Other than that, because it was a battle chapter, we didn't get a lot of insight regarding Will's character so far he seems like any normal experienced trainer so I'd have to wait till the next chapter to judge.

    I like what you did with the fights though, making it more of a sports match rather than just an unseen battle that no one would hear about.

    I get that you're just getting back on the saddle, but I feel like this chapter lacked compared to your usual master pieces.

  9. #9
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    London
    Posts
    4,152
    Blog Entries
    68

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Quote Originally Posted by Instrutilus View Post
    I see Will has a bit of an ego, evident when he briefly tries to figure who the applause was louder for
    Yeah, I'm glad that came across, but being everyone in Johto's favourite trainer, who can really blame him? Still, you're right, that is an important part of his character.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    Story wise, this chapter was vague, but you're likely to expand on that in future chapters.

    But man, oh man, was this a dynamic and well thought out battle. I fully enjoyed every second of it and I could completely imagine what was going on on the field during the gym battle. I loved it, I loved your descriptions, the way Will gave out commands to his Pokémon - every little bit regarding this battle, I was just stunned. Needless to say, this battle was spectacular.

    Great battle!
    Yeah, the plot will get going in the next chapter. The aim of this chapter was more to introduce the major characters and set the scene and atmosphere, as well as kicking the fic off with a bit of excitement. I suppose it was more of a prologue than a real chapter. At any rate, I'm glad you enjoyed the battle!

    Quote Originally Posted by Red View Post
    You know I'm kidding, Gama ;P. Fantastic. It was written really well, flowing in a way that made it easy and fun to read. The battle was awesome too. I thought for a second Morty was gonna win, but seems I was wrong. Great man! Can't wait to read more.

    By the way, what's a manoeuvre? I think you're saying "maneuver" right? That's the American spelling, so I think you're using the UK spelling. Just wanted to ask to be clear.
    Glad you enjoyed, Red. And, yes, "manoeuvre" is the British spelling. I didn't even know there was an Americanisation of that word. Interesting, though, thanks for informing me.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Will Wynne? Will Wynne? Come on Gama, I thought you were better than that!

    But in all seriousness, this was pretty cool. The over-excitement of the announcers and the agitation of the red-haired kid were both quite hilarious, as was the dialogue between Will's brothers. The battle was certainly unique, which is something rare. I can see that you're trying to inject more of a professional sports atmosphere into Pokemon battling, and you're pulling it off quite well. I look forward to more of your work.
    Hahaha, the names I use have become increasingly more obvious. I've developed a bit of a liking for having names that are a bit too large for life, and having the other characters in the story notice this. (Ref: the red haired teen referring to him as "Won't Wynne")

    I'm glad you enjoyed the perspectives of the various spectators too, you're the first person to make a specific comment on them. I wanted to show that it was a match with a real audience, and a battle that lots of different people were experiencing in different ways. Perhaps that was what part of made it unique as you say? Of course, in terms of injecting a professional sporting atmosphere into Pokemon, I have to thank the king of doing exactly that, @Legacy; for influencing and inspiring me.

    Quote Originally Posted by ninjanerd View Post
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this battle based off of the Red/Blue intro video? Nidorino v.s. Gengar?

    Anyways, good as always, gama. The description of the battle was captivating, and I was pulled in right away. Can't wait to see more!
    Funny you should mention that. When I was deciding which Pokemon Will would use and what Gym Leader he would face, Nidorino and Morty were high up on the respective lists. When I realised that meant I could make it like the RB intro video, I knew it was meant to be, so yes, in a way it was!

    Quote Originally Posted by Stellar Haze View Post
    While the chapter was good, great even, I feel like this was only on the technical point. Now, we both know that battling isn't exactly your strong point, your more of a story and plot developtment kind of guy so I felt that making the whole of chatper 1 a battle was kind of, rushed.
    I've broken up your reply because it's quite large and says a lot of things.

    Honestly, I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything, but I never realised battling was a particular weakness of mine. Thanks for drawing my attention to that concern, I'll work on improving my battles. If you have any more specific advice on how I could improve them, I'd really appreciate it.

    When you kept switching to show us what Will's siblings were doing or what the red haired boy was doing it was all in one sudden stroke, no scene break or something to tell us that you'll be switching.
    This was a conscious decision, actually. I felt like scene breaks or something to indicate switches would have broken up the action too much. I wanted it to be clear that everything was happening at once, and that it was happening quickly. I felt like adding in scene breaks would have removed the spectators from the action they were spectating, which was exactly the opposite of the effect that I was going for. I also don't believe in spoon feeding the reader. As such, I've never been a fan of scene breaks that indicate that the scene has changed through means other than words. I don't think they're ever necessary. (Some people do use them to great effect, I just don't personally like them.) I tried to make sure each scene switch was clear enough that scene breaks weren't necessary, but do you feel some were a little unclear? If so, could you specify which so I can try and improve please? Thanks.


    Also I felt like the battle was kind of quick, a round usually went by in less than a paragraph, now I don't mind that but it felt more like you were listing events rather than describing them
    I'll try to be more descriptive in the future. Thanks for the advice.

    Other than that, because it was a battle chapter, we didn't get a lot of insight regarding Will's character so far he seems like any normal experienced trainer so I'd have to wait till the next chapter to judge.

    Yep. As I said earlier in this post (which obviously you couldn't have read before giving your reply) the idea was more to open the fic with a bang and introduce all of the major characters in a fairly basic way. There'll be more characterisation and plot development in later chapters.


    I like what you did with the fights though, making it more of a sports match rather than just an unseen battle that no one would hear about.

    I get that you're just getting back on the saddle, but I feel like this chapter lacked compared to your usual master pieces.
    Well, I'm glad you liked that at least. I'll do my best to improve my future chapters, and hopefully you'll like them better. Thanks for the in-depth review and advice, it's been very helpful.
    Last edited by Gama; 2nd June 2012 at 10:54 AM.

  10. #10
    The small giant Flaze's Avatar Moderator
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Why do you care
    Posts
    59,601
    Blog Entries
    151
    Add Flaze on Facebook
    Follow Flaze on Tumblr Visit Flaze's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Well for battles, I guess the advise would be to treat it as if it was indeed as part of the story. When an important moment in the story happens you have to make it flow calmly and so that people will be able to get themselves into the moment. The same goes with battles, they have to be descriptive yet flow calmly and without a hitc, whether they're quick or slow doesn't matter as long as you deliver the action as if it was as important as the rest of the story.

    I understand your opinion on scene breaks, and arguebly you wouldn't have had any need for them in this chapter as you usually switched for only one paragraph. However, you have to keep in mind that there will be one or two people that could get confused; though you have used scene breaks in your previouis stories already.

    I'm sorry if my review sounded mean though, I didn't mean to say I didn't like it.

  11. #11
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    London
    Posts
    4,152
    Blog Entries
    68

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Quote Originally Posted by Stellar Haze View Post
    Well for battles, I guess the advise would be to treat it as if it was indeed as part of the story. When an important moment in the story happens you have to make it flow calmly and so that people will be able to get themselves into the moment. The same goes with battles, they have to be descriptive yet flow calmly and without a hitc, whether they're quick or slow doesn't matter as long as you deliver the action as if it was as important as the rest of the story.

    I understand your opinion on scene breaks, and arguebly you wouldn't have had any need for them in this chapter as you usually switched for only one paragraph. However, you have to keep in mind that there will be one or two people that could get confused; though you have used scene breaks in your previouis stories already.

    I'm sorry if my review sounded mean though, I didn't mean to say I didn't like it.
    Thanks for your advice, but on battles I think I just have a difference of opinion (and I think it comes down to nothing more than that - I don't think either of us are "right" or "wrong"). I prefer to write battles that aren't calm, as I prefer to have an overt sense of tension and excitement, rather than calmness. I understand that perhaps calmness allows for a more thorough description, but I think what it loses is the idea of everything moving quickly and a bit of dynamism. As I said though, I think that's just a stylistic difference.

    I don't recall having used scene breaks in previous stories, but if I have that may be a sign of me having matured as a writer. I think scene breaks are only necessary if you can't make the fact that the scene has changed with your writing. I also think if it's only one or two people who might be confused then the problem is with readers who don't pay enough attention. My intention is never to create an easy read, but to create the best read possible, and I try to reward readers who concentrate and pay attention to detail with a more enjoyable story, with important fine details.

    And don't worry, I didn't think your review was mean. In fact, I found it helpful. Obviously it is nice to be praised, but ultimately criticism is more helpful as it shows you the areas you need to improve, or, at the very least, areas that you should look into changing. Thanks very much.

  12. #12
    Secret Sword of Justice Kelleo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    2,998
    Add Kelleo on Facebook
    Visit Kelleo's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Here's my review for you, Gastly's Mama, as promised in the Review Exchange. :3

    I think this was pretty well-written! You've got a lot of potential and I actually am looking forward to more of this story. And I agree that Will seems to have a bit of an ego. I really wonder how that will go down.

    I only have a little bit of critique to give you since others seem to have already pointed out other things. I won't repeat what they've already covered.

    You describe things fairly well, but I think you can do that a bit better. For example, what do Misdreavus and the other Pokemon look like? What does a Psychic attack or Shadow Ball look like? Obviously, I know this stuff, but other readers might not. You don't have to give too many details, as that's actually a bad thing (cluttering a story with huge paragraphs that only describe what characters and things look like is just as bad as not describing them at all), but it wouldn't hurt to give us a general idea. Some things might be harder to describe than others, though. I can certainly understand if you find it hard to explain what Psychic looks like, for example. I'd have trouble with that myself.

    But taking on challenges improves your skills! That's why I encourage writers to do so.

    Other than this, I've really got no real critique. You are very good with grammar and spelling, and I saw no typos. Keep up the good work! :)

    Also, funny that you all brought up the spelling of "maneuver." I actually didn't know that Brits spelled it differently!

  13. #13
    Unova's #1 Yancy fan Seizon Senryaku's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Summoner's Rift
    Posts
    697
    Blog Entries
    16
    Follow Seizon Senryaku On Twitter

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Okay, I like this well enough so far. We haven't seen much more than a battle, but that's fair enough; it's a good way to start a fic. While I do like the inclusion of the commentators to make it more like a sports event (and oh yes, I love the concept of a Technical Expert) I can't help but feel that they might have been a little better served in the background. You state that you want your battles to remain tense and active, but taking three-paragraph breaks to discuss what's just happened - even if helpful to the reader - suspends that tension and action to a point where it's a bit jarring when the battle comes back in again. It's sort of as if the Trainers are just standing around on the field, waiting for the commentators to finish their chat. I know this is difficult to portray in writing, but there's a fine balance between too much discussion of the techniques and too little, and you're falling just to one side of it here. Speaking of how useful the commentary is, I found it a little redundant in places. While it was good to know how he managed to reflect the Shadow Ball at the end (because the Pokemon was underground the whole time, naturally) I found it a little bit unnecessary in the earlier segments. The same thing with the in-narration explanations, really. A little common sense and application to battling told me most of what I needed to know, such as when Nidorino was dashing around the stage at speed, trying to hit Haunter on the off-chance.

    Incidentally, that passage felt a little bit stilted. Let me just grab a quote.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gama
    As Haunter disappeared again, Nidorino began charging around the arena extremely quickly, building up speed. It ran in circles with no clear aim except to be constantly running. After a few seconds of this, it began periodically raising its right claw, which shone with a spectral glow, as Heracross’ had earlier, and slashing the air beside it. This continued for some time, without Haunter reappearing.
    The syntax of the second sentence is slightly dodgy, and I feel it could be reworded somewhat to avoid the slight redundancy that is currently implied. The problem here, though, is the third sentence (in bold). It just . . . threw me out of the story completely, to be honest. I think two factors contribute to this. Firstly, I'm picturing Nidorino continuing to run on its remaining three legs while attacking, which seems kind of unlikely, to be fair. The bigger problem, however, is how the sentence is phrased. It just seems like an overly . . . clinical description of something that's meant to be a tight, fast, dangerous battle. The word 'periodically' in particular contributes to this impression, as it implies methodical regularity and repetition, making me think of scientific experiments or medical procedures. I just think that part of the battle could have been taken from a slightly different angle and made far more successful. Other parts of the battle elicited similar reactions from me, but to a lesser degree. I read this a few hours ago in the car, and this is the passage that still sticks in my mind while writing this review.

    On the whole, though, a solid first chapter. I'm intrigued by the red-haired, foul-mouthed dude with the Mohican (took me a while to remember that's what I'm used to calling a Mohawk) and what his link to Will Wynne (oh dear Arceus, the name) might be, not to mention the unseen 'Chubby'. I can only assume he's somewhat rotund. I like the inferences you've made regarding turning the Indigo League into something of an inter-regional rivalry, considering it's the only League shared by two. Kind of reminds me of the State of Origin. Which, by the way, would make an awesome fanfic in and of itself. Can we say 'Gym Leader Battle Royale'? Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. I'll be keeping an eye on this, because I keep missing all your other stuff.

    On an unrelated note, hell yeah for Commonwealth spelling, biatches. Excuse my while I manouevre my ship into this harbour - I think there's some mould growing below-decks.
    The Atlantis Codex / Champion Game

    'A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.' - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
    'Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more; men were deceivers ever.' - William Shakespeare
    'Beauty is everywhere a welcome guest.' - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
    'When one life meets another life, something will be born.' - Un(k)own

  14. #14
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    London
    Posts
    4,152
    Blog Entries
    68

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Quote Originally Posted by Kelleo View Post
    You describe things fairly well, but I think you can do that a bit better. For example, what do Misdreavus and the other Pokemon look like? What does a Psychic attack or Shadow Ball look like? Obviously, I know this stuff, but other readers might not. You don't have to give too many details, as that's actually a bad thing (cluttering a story with huge paragraphs that only describe what characters and things look like is just as bad as not describing them at all), but it wouldn't hurt to give us a general idea. Some things might be harder to describe than others, though. I can certainly understand if you find it hard to explain what Psychic looks like, for example. I'd have trouble with that myself.

    But taking on challenges improves your skills! That's why I encourage writers to do so.

    Yes. I often forget to describe what Pokemon look like, as I assume readers would know, but you're right, I should pay more attention to doing that. Describing attacks too... I didn't really think of that, but you're right, that's very important, particularly as what an attack looks like differs between different media. Thanks for the advice, that's very helpful.



    Quote Originally Posted by Misheard Whisper View Post
    Okay, I like this well enough so far. We haven't seen much more than a battle, but that's fair enough; it's a good way to start a fic. While I do like the inclusion of the commentators to make it more like a sports event (and oh yes, I love the concept of a Technical Expert) I can't help but feel that they might have been a little better served in the background. You state that you want your battles to remain tense and active, but taking three-paragraph breaks to discuss what's just happened - even if helpful to the reader - suspends that tension and action to a point where it's a bit jarring when the battle comes back in again. It's sort of as if the Trainers are just standing around on the field, waiting for the commentators to finish their chat. I know this is difficult to portray in writing, but there's a fine balance between too much discussion of the techniques and too little, and you're falling just to one side of it here. Speaking of how useful the commentary is, I found it a little redundant in places. While it was good to know how he managed to reflect the Shadow Ball at the end (because the Pokemon was underground the whole time, naturally) I found it a little bit unnecessary in the earlier segments. The same thing with the in-narration explanations, really. A little common sense and application to battling told me most of what I needed to know, such as when Nidorino was dashing around the stage at speed, trying to hit Haunter on the off-chance.

    Incidentally, that passage felt a little bit stilted. Let me just grab a quote.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gama
    As Haunter disappeared again, Nidorino began charging around the arena extremely quickly, building up speed. It ran in circles with no clear aim except to be constantly running. After a few seconds of this, it began periodically raising its right claw, which shone with a spectral glow, as Heracross’ had earlier, and slashing the air beside it. This continued for some time, without Haunter reappearing.
    The syntax of the second sentence is slightly dodgy, and I feel it could be reworded somewhat to avoid the slight redundancy that is currently implied. The problem here, though, is the third sentence (in bold). It just . . . threw me out of the story completely, to be honest. I think two factors contribute to this. Firstly, I'm picturing Nidorino continuing to run on its remaining three legs while attacking, which seems kind of unlikely, to be fair. The bigger problem, however, is how the sentence is phrased. It just seems like an overly . . . clinical description of something that's meant to be a tight, fast, dangerous battle. The word 'periodically' in particular contributes to this impression, as it implies methodical regularity and repetition, making me think of scientific experiments or medical procedures. I just think that part of the battle could have been taken from a slightly different angle and made far more successful. Other parts of the battle elicited similar reactions from me, but to a lesser degree. I read this a few hours ago in the car, and this is the passage that still sticks in my mind while writing this review.

    On the whole, though, a solid first chapter. I'm intrigued by the red-haired, foul-mouthed dude with the Mohican (took me a while to remember that's what I'm used to calling a Mohawk) and what his link to Will Wynne (oh dear Arceus, the name) might be, not to mention the unseen 'Chubby'. I can only assume he's somewhat rotund. I like the inferences you've made regarding turning the Indigo League into something of an inter-regional rivalry, considering it's the only League shared by two. Kind of reminds me of the State of Origin. Which, by the way, would make an awesome fanfic in and of itself. Can we say 'Gym Leader Battle Royale'? Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. I'll be keeping an eye on this, because I keep missing all your other stuff.

    On an unrelated note, hell yeah for Commonwealth spelling, biatches. Excuse my while I manouevre my ship into this harbour - I think there's some mould growing below-decks.
    Glad you enjoyed and thanks for reading. I see what you mean about the commentators etc. distracting from the battle a bit too much, and I think you've even made me understand Flaze's comments a bit better too. I guess at times the explanations ventured a bit too much into the "tell" side of things, rather than the "show" side, which, as we know, is a big no-no. Thanks for the advice on that front. Later chapters won't be in this style, but that is something that I'll keep in mind for future battles, as (going over my past stuff in my head) I think I do have a bit of a habit of over-explaining the sometimes complicated (but sometimes not) things that happen in my battles.

  15. #15
    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    1,712
    Blog Entries
    99

    Default Re: Brotherhood

    Good to see you back in action, Gammy. The set-up here is very interesting, and it's actually quite refreshing not to have to go through all the beginning stuff.

Page 1 of 5 123 ... LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •