MATURE: The Brightest Darkness

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Thread: The Brightest Darkness

  1. #1
    The Lumen Sage Eternal Shadows's Avatar
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    Default The Brightest Darkness

    Prologue

    Drip



    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    Droplets of red liquid dropped onto the hard wood floor. The blood seemed to disappear into the crimson sea known as the floor.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    A young girl opened the hard oak doors.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    She walked towards the mahogany king bed as if she was in a trance, the coldness being ignored by her bare foot. The red drapes were slashed to pieces, as if someone had thrown a storm of Aegislash at it.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    Under the dark red covers, there was two figures. One, who was sleeping peacefully on the right side, seemed to be breathing peacefully. They seemed unaware of the mess around them.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    The other, dead to the world, perhaps literally, was not breathing.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    The girl walked towards the left side.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    The dripping was coming from her. The one who wasn't breathing. Her soft, sable skin covered by her cinnamon coloured hair. It was like the young girl was looking in a mirror, if she aged 20 or so years.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    She looked so peaceful. So serene. Until you looked down. Her left wrist, which was surrounded by a beautiful, golden ring, was at an odd angle. It was over hanging over the side of the bed...

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    The red blood was dripping from there, like water dripping from a leaky pipe. The young girl looked up again.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    Through strands of hair, a flaw on her neck was visible.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    Not a flaw. Not a birthmark.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    Unlike the dripping liquid, blood was gushing out of the cut like a waterfall.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    The girl was confused. What had happened to Mommy?

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    She walked around the bed, over to the other figure. A man, around the same age as the woman.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    "Daddy?" She softly said, shaking the man.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    The man stirred, his green eyes opening slowly, meeting the girls', whose eyes were nearly a complete copy of his own.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    "Huh? What is it, darling?" He groggily asked. Obviously, he was annoyed at being awoken, but she was just a little girl, after all.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    "Mommy looks funny." She replied.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    "Okay. I'll check on her." He smiled. His wife probably just put on make up, and forgot to take it off before resting. He nudged her, yet she didn't awake.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    "Hellen?"

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    "Hellen!?"

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    No reply.

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    "Hellen!"

    Drip. Drip. Drip.

    On that day, even ten years later, Alicia Gray could swear she heard a million Murkrow cry.

    Alicia Gray, the strange girl, who was peppy one moment, angry the next.

    Alicia Gray, the girl whose only Pokémon, throughout roughly ten years of trainer school, was a Misdreavus.

    Alicia Gray, the girl who wields the Mega Bracelet, a one of a kind item, once soaked into her mother's blood.

    Alicia Gray, the girl with a Gengarite as her only Mega Stone. Yet no member of the Gengar line in sight.

    Alicia Gray, the only graduate of Trainer School, to not make a big deal out of the Mega Evolutions they could now access.

    Alicia Gray, the girl who lives in a small region, often nicknamed 'Mini Kalos' because all of the Pokémon native to it are in the Kalos Dex... Or in one of them.

    Alicia Gray, the girl who found her mother dead the night after her first day of School.

    Alicia Gray, the hero of our story.
    ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________


    Hi guys! I hope you enjoyed the story!

    Be honest. It's pretty terrible. I hope I can make it good. Definetley hoping I don't make Alicia too much of a Mary-Sue.

    For those Psychos who somehow liked this, I can't gaurentee when the next chappie will be up. My laptop is broken, and its either my dad's laptop or my mum's iPad I use to write, and Dad's an offshore worker, I can only go on the iPad when my mum is out, because I am a ninja not allowed on it. Something about being a Klutz?

  2. #2
    Popping Corn Teapot Salty's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Brightest Darkness

    I like it, no obviouse flaws, although there isnt much to critisise as of now, I cant wait to read more!

  3. #3
    .______. Elysia's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Brightest Darkness

    Interesting start--opening with a murder certainly catches the attention, and while not much happened aside from the murder, you set the scene quite well.

    However, I though that the repetition (mostly "drip. drip. drip." and "Alicia Gray, the...") got a bit distracting after the first three or four times. I ended up skipping the drip/drip/drip bits after the first line because I could physically see that every other line said drip/drip/drip, and while I understand that you're trying to convey dripping blood or whatever, it got really cumbersome really fast. Like. You used the word drip seventy-seven times in the first chapter. That's over 10% of your words.

    Also, dead bodies don't bleed.

    If you're going to go drip/drip/drip for repetition's sake, I'd suggest doing it a little less frequently--perhaps once every five or six paragraphs, rather than every other one. I promise, we won't forget about the drip/drip/dripping between mentions, and it's a little less awkward than having to repeat it every other line. xD

    As for the rest, time will tell. There's no need to shoot yourself down in the author's note, though: let your abilities speak for themselves, rather than telling us that you suck. ^^

    Anyhow, good job, and good luck.

  4. #4
    The Lumen Sage Eternal Shadows's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Brightest Darkness

    Quote Originally Posted by Teapot Salty View Post
    I like it, no obviouse flaws, although there isnt much to critisise as of now, I cant wait to read more!
    Haha, thank you! Will try to update faster!

    Quote Originally Posted by Elysia View Post
    Interesting start--opening with a murder certainly catches the attention, and while not much happened aside from the murder, you set the scene quite well.

    However, I though that the repetition (mostly "drip. drip. drip." and "Alicia Gray, the...") got a bit distracting after the first three or four times. I ended up skipping the drip/drip/drip bits after the first line because I could physically see that every other line said drip/drip/drip, and while I understand that you're trying to convey dripping blood or whatever, it got really cumbersome really fast. Like. You used the word drip seventy-seven times in the first chapter. That's over 10% of your words.

    Also, dead bodies don't bleed.

    If you're going to go drip/drip/drip for repetition's sake, I'd suggest doing it a little less frequently--perhaps once every five or six paragraphs, rather than every other one. I promise, we won't forget about the drip/drip/dripping between mentions, and it's a little less awkward than having to repeat it every other line. xD

    As for the rest, time will tell. There's no need to shoot yourself down in the author's note, though: let your abilities speak for themselves, rather than telling us that you suck. ^^

    Anyhow, good job, and good luck.
    Thank you as well!!!

    I was trying to make the Drip-Drip-Drip to be ominous, but if it was more annoying, I understand. But it will be the only time a repetitive line such as this will appear.

    And about the Alicia Gray repetitiveness, I guess I just got lazy XD

    Do they not? Darn misleading media >.<

    Haha, sorry, I'm bad for shooting my writing skills down. I just have bad experiences with getting my hopes up, so I hope if I put them low, good things will happen.

    Again, thank you for your comments. They will be taken deeply, hopefully to improve the story's future.

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