TEEN: The Blaze of Her

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Thread: The Blaze of Her

  1. #1
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    Default The Blaze of Her

    Hey, after my writing disaster with "Darkness, At Last!", I thought long and hard about my next story. This time, I'm not just jumping in without a plan. This one, I won't give a summary for. However, I will tell you this: DON'T PANIC. Also, MY SIG HAS NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THIS STORY.
    After each segment, feel free to comment. Just nothing too bad.

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    Default Re: The Blaze of Her

    Death. That was what most people called her. She was well known as a sadist, and for rarely saying much of anything that wasn't morbid. She was the one kind of person you'd usually avoid, day and night. From the day she turned six, she always carried with her a blood-stained knife...

    -September 11, 2001-

    It was Death's sixth birthday. She sat down in the first grade seat she always sat in, carrying with her the gloomy aura that made everyone around her miserable or scared.

    "H-happy B-birthday, D-Death..." stammered Death's first and best friend Juliet. Juliet held out a black package with a red skull crudely drawn on it. Death slowly turned to Juliet, and glared at her. She then turned away, noticing the package get gently placed on her desk. Mr. Maya came in, and with completely irrelevant gesticulations, announced the day's activity: simply drawing a picture. He wanted the class to work hard on it, and use their best ideas and skills to complete it. Mr. Maya's extremely happy side had influenced the students, all except Death. As a result, most of the students handed in poorly drawn pictures of flowers, rabbits, and the sun wearing sunglasses. Death handed in a picture that would astonish even the greatest of artists. Not just for the content, but also for the artistic ability that was portrayed in the drawing, which was of a girl that had been turned into what seemed like a zombie, or possibly a cannibal.

    "M-Maria..." Mr. Maya stuttered with a worried expression, as soon as he took a good look at the picture. Maria. That was a name Death highly despised. To her, Maria was a name filled with happiness. That may have been why Mr. Maya had chosen that name to call her in the first place. Maria was not her name, nor was Death. But Mr. Maya hated to call her Death, so he gave her the name Maria. No one but Death and her parents knew what her real name was, but even her parents called her Death. It was what seemed right and logical. Plus, she wouldn't answer to anything other than Death. Mr. Maya gave up on calling Death to him, and waited for the rest of the class to finish. During that time, Death peeked into the black box on her desk laid by Juliet, and was immediately disgusted. Inside was a golden heart shaped pendant with the words "We'll be friends forever, right?" inscribed on it. Death closed the box immediately, and stuffed it in her backpack.

    The school day eventually ended, but as Death walked home, a man sporting a Guyfox Mask noticed the money she had carried with her, and attempted to mug her. Reacting swifter than the man had ever seen, Death grabbed the knife by the blade, swiped it from the man, and stabbed him five times in the chest. She placed the knife in her pocket, and walked away, leaving the man to die.
    Last edited by User_Name; 24th April 2012 at 11:40 PM.

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    Default Re: The Blaze of Her

    It's interesting...

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    Default Re: The Blaze of Her

    hm. i'm guessing this is an original fiction story, but i can't be so sure. i think your writing is very well done, but you lack description of the character's themselves. i have no idea what death, or her friend, or her teacher looks like, and neither do i know what the classroom looks like.

    also, your first chapter is basically a block of text with a lack of proper paragraphing. after someone says a line of dialogue, or if there's a change in topic, then you create a new paragraph. and also, double-space it.

    now with death herself... stabbing a full-grown adult mugger with a knife when she's five years old and basically in kindergarten is a bit mary-sueish. you portray it like she had no trouble with it at all and she's some kind of assassin. it's VERY unrealistic.

    the chapter's short so i can't say much about where the plot is going, so i'll have to wait on that.

    i'll keep reading.

    edit;; starlight, what is grammar. get your head right. /correcting my post.

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    Default Re: The Blaze of Her

    And Mary Sue is...
    ALSO!
    Descriptions of the characters:

    -Death: Pale skin. Black, shoulder-length hair with red streaks; blue eyes, but with red color contacts. Tends to wear black a lot. The only time she doesn't wear black is during the time she is sixteen. NO HINTS, you'll have to wait. The blood-stained knife, of course. She carries that in every public area. Also in her year sixteen, a literally dark aura surrounds her, and she grows long fangs, which soon disappear. In adulthood, she has a ponytail, no color contacts, and pink hair for the majority of the time.

    -Juliet: She does not appear as often as you might imagine, however... brown, hip-length hair that is in a ponytail. green eyes, and tends to wear green quite a bit, as she will be revealed to be... you'll find out. Not much else to say.

    -Mr. Maya does not matter much in the plotline of the story as he only appears in the first two days that the story has to offer. Has quite an unusual hairstyle: a rainbow colored Mr. T style mohawk with an unflattering bald spot. Everything he wears is pink. He has brown eyes.
    Last edited by User_Name; 24th April 2012 at 11:49 PM.

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    Default Re: The Blaze of Her

    a mary-sue is a character who basically has no flaws and is unrealistic. death just annihilated a full grown man without help and she's in kindergarten. it's unrealistic; no person can relate to her in that way.

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    Default Re: The Blaze of Her

    Well, @Lady Lucifer; I gave descriptions, and double spaced it, but I'll keep the story the same. Also, Death is a 6 year old sadist. Doesn't that imply that she isn't normal?

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    Default Re: The Blaze of Her

    Woah, Sorry. I haven't been working much on this have I...? Anyway...

    -September 12, 2001-

    Death went to school as normal, of course, with her new knife. Automatically, Mr. Maya appeared, though his expression was grave. He explained the events of the day before, what had happened to the World Trade Center. The thought of this event happening was the perfect birthday present for Death. Death could just imagine the destruction that was brought upon the city, and she loved it. The chill down her spine yearned to hear more tales of suffering.

    "Pretty sad, huh?" Death was awakened from her trance of delight by Juliet's sad tone. "I mean, just think. So many people lost their lives because of those horrible people."

    "I wish I was there to see it all with my own eyes." Death couldn't stop grinning as she said it. "This whole idea of all this doom, It makes me want to see some of it as they suffer." Juliet gasped, tears welling up in her eyes.

    "D-Death, lots of p-people d-died that f-fateful day... Can't you show a little respect for them?" Death turned to Juliet the first time that day.

    "All my life, I wanted to see people suffer. Or at least know that they're suffering. And now it's happened! For the first time in a while, I'm happy. And the fact that you're sad makes it all the better." Juliet planted her face in her sleeve and started to cry. Their assignment that day was to send letters to the many people, mourning the loss of many others. Death decided not to do anything. The day ended, and Death went to bed, hoping that one day, she would see someone, anyone, suffer right in front of her in a bloody mess.

    That day would eventually come, but not for quite a while...

    -September 1, 2011-


    Death was 15 years old, about to be 16. She sat in first period, a period no one payed any attention to, besides the eccentric Vanessa Johnson. Juliet passed a paper to Death, whom was bored out of her mind. You're about to turn sixteen; what do you have to say for yourself? said the note. Death scribbled, All I have to say is that I wish I had seen a shed of blood sometime in my life. She then passed it to Juliet who passed it back with the words, This is why it hasn't happened to you yet. You're too creepy and... emo! You need to stop with the morbid bloody stuff and be a normal person. Only then will it happen. Death passed it back. What are you talking about? Are you saying that someone will only die in a pool of blood if I don't want it to happen? Juliet threw the note to Death. NO WAY! You've never had a crush, and no one has ever fallen in love with you! You need to become a normal girl, with a normal life, and a normal boyfriend. At this, Death crumpled up the note and threw it away.

    Later that day, Juliet came up to Death. "Look, it's true. You really need a cru-" Death grabbed Juliet by the collar.

    "I'm not one to love. I would rather see myself dying by the hands of the government than seek out love, GOT IT?" Death pushed Juliet away into the empty alley. This is why our defense isn't strong enough. Too many people that don't want to kill, she thought to herself.

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