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  1. #1
    Just Browsing Around Akimbo's Avatar
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    Default Behind the Silence

    The classic tale of Red the original protagonist, but this time told from the point of view of his Pikachu
    So anyways here it goes, hope you like it:

    Chapter One: The Choosing

    Ralph sat anxiously in the laboratory, his yellow fur standing on end in nervousness. Beside him his friend Serafina sat calmly watching the two boys go through their induction into the Pokémon League Challenge, her sleek grey fur glistened in the morning light like small stars were embedded in her fur.

    “Calm down Ralph,” she said smoothly, turning her large brown eyes on him, “either way one of them is going to pick you, I really don’t know why you’re so nervous.”

    “I just…” but his voice broke off into a high pitched squeak when the three humans turned to them.

    “Red why don’t you choose first?” said Oak to the shorter of the two boys who wore a red jacket and hat.

    “Oi Gramps, what about me?” asked the taller of the two boys impatiently, his long brown hair spiked up into the air like a Cyndaquil’s fire spines.

    “Wait your turn Blue,” replied Oak rolling his eyes at his grandson, “now Red go ahead and pick one.”

    “Okay umm…” the younger boy looked between Ralph and Serafina, his eyes paused on Serafina, but then at the last moment he turned to Ralph, “I choose the Pikachu.”

    “Idiot...” Ralph heard Blue say under his breath, but he didn’t care and squeaked in excitement running over to the red clad boy who he figured was the one named Red.

    Red knelt down and picked Ralph up as he reached him, bringing him to face level and ruffling up the hair on top of his head, “you’re very excitable aren’t you?”

    Ralph let out a small jolt of electricity in embarrassment causing Red’s hair to stand on end.

    “Sorry!” squeaked Ralph going into further embarrassment.

    “You okay little buddy,” laughed Red, obviously not understanding Ralph’s apology, so he just nodded to signify a yes that the human could understand.

    “Well that means I get the shiny Eevee right?” said Blue loudly, emphasising majorly on the word shiny.

    Ralph looked down to see Serafina walking calmly over to Blue her head held up high, as if she was chosen to go on an adventure every day. When she reached his feet Blue barely acknowledged her existence and then turned to Red, a small grin spreading across his face.

    “Let’s battle.”

    “Uhh okay,” mumbled Red putting Ralph on the ground at his feet.

    Ralph perched up onto his two hind legs nervously, he looked at Serafina who was already in a battle stance, her legs spread apart in preparation for an attack. Ralph turned back to look at Red, but the boy wasn’t looking at Ralph, instead his eyes were fixed on Blue, his fists clenched tight in determination.

    “Oh for Pete’s sake,” muttered Oak as he turned to Blue, “Red’s never battled before, you’re pushing this onto him.”

    “Don’t worry Gramps,” said Blue with a smile, “Red can learn through actually doing it, isn’t that your philosophy anyways.”

    “Aah, hmm, yes I guess it is,” mumbled Oak more to himself than his grandson, “well Red take this Pokedex so you can see Pikachu’s moves and I’m pretty certain you already know the rest.”

    “Oh awesome, thanks Professor,” said Red gleefully, “hmm let’s see here, well I don’t think growl’ll be of much use, so how ‘bout we go for a tail whip then?”

    Ralph looked at his trainer slightly befuddled, tail whip wasn’t going to do much, but he shrugged and turned his back to Serafina waving his tail at her along with the rest of his behind in the process. He turned back around to find Serafina looking away from him, as if disgusted by what he had just done leaving a wad of guilt stuck in his throat.

    “Alright, now quickly thundershock,” called Red.

    Ralph immediately followed his orders releasing a small jolt of electricity from his crimson cheeks at Serafina.

    “Dodge it,” cried Blue.

    But Serafina was still looking away from Ralph and only just turned around in time to get a face full of electricity that forced her to the metal floor of the lab. She burst into tears, splashing droplets of water a greater distance Ralph could’ve thought possible, the wad of guilt grew larger in Ralph’s throat as the Eevee continued to bawl her eyes out.

    “Sera are you alright?” asked Ralph as he began to run towards the pup.

    “Never been better,” she replied as she nimbly got to her feet and tackled Ralph, knocking him across the lab into one of the shelves causing books to topple down on top of him.

    Ralph peered from underneath the books as Sera began to prowl towards him ready to pounce at any moment, he tried to move underneath the books, but they were too heavy and he was stuck. He looked over at his trainer for help, but he was just left there with a gaping mouth of horror as he realised he had basically just lost, Blue the complete opposite, an enormous grin spread across his smug face as he had come to the same conclusion as Red. But Ralph wasn’t ready to give up, he looked around for some sort of way to get him out of his predicament and then he realised it was right in front of him. As Sera got ready to pounce he grabbed the heaviest book and he could find and sent a shock of electricity through it sending it flying at the Eevee. The book made contact mid-pounce instantly knocking Sera to the ground giving Ralph some time to escape his papery prison and to regain his place in the battle.

    “It seems I’m not the only one who’s fighting dirty,” smiled Sera as she got to her feet.

    “There’s a difference between what I did and what you did,” growled Ralph at the unfair accusation, “what you did was not nice.”

    “And what’s nice about battling?” giggled Sera, “the part where we beat each other up or when I pretend to cry to gain an advantage? It’s all the same as long as one of us faints at the end, and today it’s going to be you.”

    Sera leapt at Ralph with surprising speed, too quick to counter all Ralph could do was dodge, but he wasn’t fast enough. Sera hit him full force in the side of his head causing him to see Staryus as he staggered dazedly on the floor, unsure of where Sera could be he began to shoot sparks of electricity in random directions as his feet stayed planted on the floor preventing him from collapsing.

    “Just aim at the floor Pikachu,” he heard a distant voice call at him, he turned to see the vague outline of Red in what seemed to be some sort of position of determination.

    Ralph nodded weakly and began to send volts of electricity into the metal floor, feeling it pulse beneath his feet as he poured what remained of his dwindling energy into winning.

    “Get on the books, hurry!” he heard the harsh voice of Blue call out, but Ralph knew he was just a little too late as he witnessed Sera’s fur stand on end as the electricity made contact with her body.

    She stood there momentarily as she became paralysed and then crumpled to floor in a mass of slightly smouldering fur. He released his electric hold on the floor and wandered weakly over to his trainer moving like a deranged Slowpoke. He felt the firm grip of Red’s hands grabbing him around the waist as he was hoisted into the air like a small car being picked up by a crane.

    “Nice work little buddy,” smiled Red as he ruffled the small tuft of fur that stuck out on the top of Ralph’s head, “you did really well.”

    “Thanks,” squeaked Ralph weakly.

    Red just smiled and gave him a sip of some sort of purple liquid that almost instantly relieved Ralph’s pain, he even felt some of his minor wounds healing as his vision cleared up. Red sprayed the rest of the liquid on the remainder of Ralph’s minor wounds and he instantly felt better and was able to even stand properly.

    “Good stuff,” said Ralph to himself as he looked at his healing scar.

    “Now Blue I believe you owe Red his winnings,” said Oak looking down disappointedly at his grandson.

    “But Gramps, it was only a friendly battle!” whined Blue giving a sulky look to his grandfather.

    “Doesn’t matter you challenged him and he won, and you probably would’ve made him pay if he lost too.”

    Blue opened his mouth to argue further, but quickly realised he had lost and walked over to red to give him some golden coins, “here ya go.”

    “Thanks!” said Red enthusiastically.

    “You should take these as well,” Oak smiled handing Red five red and white spheres, “you’ll need them.”

    “Awesome, thank you! Come on Pikachu, let’s start our adventure!”

    Ralph shuddered in glee, he was about to finally do it, go on his very own adventure with a Pokémon trainer. With a quick look back at the lab he saw Serafina being held in Blue’s arms, still looking a bit weak, but to his surprise rather than being given an annoyed glare she smiled at him and winked happily. Ralph gave her a little wave and ran out the door to join Red.

  2. #2
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Behind the Silence

    A good start! You portrayed this from Pikachu's (or should i say Ralph's) POV very well, and it was a new one for me! I also absolutely love the name Serafina for Eevee.

    You used very good use of language i areas, such as the phrase "paper prison" which really helped in creating the scene.

    The battle between the two was good, if a little brief. A bit more could have been written about as to when Ralph used Thundershock, as to how his body felt as he charged up and released the attack, as it would give your writing a bit more depth and also flesh out the paragraphs a bit. Ralph questioning Red's choice in move when it came down to Tail Whip was good, maybe do more things along that sort of lines in the chapters where Red is still learning how to battle with his new pokémon.

    On the negative, areas of description may have been lacking slightly, particularly when it came to describing the setting of the lab. In general for the characters it was okay but more needs to be in place when introducing the setting which they are in, particularly at the start.

    Overall, a good start with plenty of promise, keep me informed as to when you update it!


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