Battle for Hoenn

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  1. #1
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Battle for Hoenn

    This was my entry for the 12 days of Christmas thing. I'm just putting it up so whoever wants to can say what they think. I might do a couple of sequel chapters, but we'll see.

    Anyhoo, here it is:

    Alex, criminal mastermind, accompanied, as always by his Gastly, which he keeps outside of its Poké Ball, is in a bunker deep under the sea of Route 131, he is in the final stage of realising the goal that he has been working towards for the last year – the total annihilation of all of Hoenn! His weapons are in place and if all goes according to plan, the only thing in Hoenn to survive will be his bunker – no longer would it be the wart on the face of the Pokémon world that it had been for so long!
    However, as he is about to press the button which would initiate the sequence ending with the deployment of his heavy arsenal of weaponry, the sealed shut door of his bunker is blasted open by a Pokémon attack!
    “Not so fast!” cries a voice.
    Alex looks up to see Brendan, the Champion of Hoenn’s Pokémon League and son of Petalburg’s Gym Leader, Norman!
    “It’s too late!” shouts Alex in response, “You can’t stop me now!”
    Alex quickly hits the button, and a timer appears on the screen before him. Ten minutes.
    Of course, Alex didn’t count on the fact that Brendan knew that he could still stop him – by eliminating the power source for the weaponry, Alex’s prized Gastly! All Brendan needs to do to stop it is make the Pokémon faint, but it isn’t going to be easy.
    Brendan sends out his Altaria – which makes a beeline for Gastly with an Aerial Ace. Unfortunately for Brendan, Alex sends out his Gyarados, which blocks the manoeuvre with a fearsome Aqua Tail! Due to its resistance, Altaria is able to avoid taking too much damage, but is hit across the room from the sheer force of the attack.
    “Ice Beam!” commands Alex at the top of his voice, desperate to do away with this intruder before the ten minutes are over, so he can enjoy the destruction of Hoenn from the comfort of his armchair.
    Gyarados launches an Ice Beam straight at Altaria, but it manages to dodge out of the way, and the attack hits the doorframe, freezing the exit shut behind Brendan.
    “I guess there’s no going back now,” thinks Brendan, wishing he had packed at least one Pokémon with a fire attack, just in case he needed to make a quick getaway.
    Altaria flies around the room at top speed and then suddenly fires a Dragonbreath at Gyarados – who responds in kind! The two are locked in a mortal struggle, with both attacks growing gradually stronger and stronger.
    Alex whispers something to Gyarados, who proceeds to power his attack down. Brendan is at first confused, but then catches sight of the clock, which now displays just nine minutes – Alex is playing for time!
    Seeing that he is dealing with an incredibly intelligent foe, Brendan realises that he has to step his game up a notch.
    Alex has Gyarados weaken his Dragonbreath to the point that it is barely fending off that of Altaria, with the intent of powering it up only when necessary.
    Brendan waits until Gyarados’s Dragonbreath appears to be as weak as it is going to get and has Altaria take the attack! Altaria is hit back and sustains a fair amount of damage, although not nearly as much as it could have.
    “Altaria!” shouts Brendan, “Use Perish Song!”
    Alex, still bemused by Brendan ordering his Pokémon to willingly be hit by an attack which it is vulnerable to, does not react in time to have Gyarados make any attempt at avoiding Altaria’s song, but manages to retreat his Gastly back into its Poké Ball just in time to avoid also being cursed by the attack.
    As soon as Altaria finishes singing, Alex promptly releases Gastly, who grumbles resentfully at being made to go inside a Poké Ball, however brief and necessary it may be.
    As a result of the Perish Song, both Altaria and Gyarados have exactly one minute before they will both suddenly faint. Alex curses Brendan for stopping his time wasting tactics. Alex glances at the screen to his side, it’ll give an accurate measure of how long Gyarados has left. Eight minutes and thirty seconds left until Hoenn’s destruction.
    Brendan pauses thoughtfully, if he can engage the Gyarados in battle and then withdraw Altaria a second before their time is up, he can leave Alex with only one Pokémon to defend his Gastly, while still having three himself.
    “Aerial Ace!” cries Brendan, to which Altaria obediently moves down to strike Gyarados, who retaliates with an Ice Fang, as instructed by its trainer. The two are locked in a grapple, with Gyarados’ freezing fangs biting down on Altaria’s neck and Altaria’s beak pecking at Gyarados’ eyes. Eight minutes remain.
    Alex sees Brendan checking the time and figures out his plan.
    “I don’t think so,” he says and orders Gyarados to Body Slam Altaria. The huge serpent slams down on Altaria with an incredible force. Altaria is too weak from the onslaught to try and free itself and Gyarados is also too badly injured to pick itself up. The two Pokémon lie in a heap for the remaining thirty seconds, then both suddenly faint. Seven minutes, thirty seconds remaining.
    Trying the same trick as when he sent out Altaria, Brendan throws his next Pokémon’s Poké Ball down right next to Gastly.
    “Go! Aggron! Iron Tail!”
    But Alex is too fast and successfully sends out his next Pokémon to block the move – Charizard!
    Alex is not familiar with the Pokémon of Hoenn, but is fairly sure that Aggron is a pure Steel type, which gives his Charizard, as a Fire type a distinct advantage.
    “Fire Blast!” shouts Alex, knowing that this attack would be completely unavoidable due to its scale and Aggron’s speed, but also, if his calculations were correct, it would take out Aggron in a single move.
    Alex begins laughing to himself triumphantly, but when the fire clears – Aggron still stands!
    “But how?!” exclaims Alex, “He’s vulnerable to Fire type attacks!”
    “Wrong!” antagonises Brendan, “Aggron is dual type Rock, which neutralises his weakness! Aggron! Rock Slide!”
    Suddenly, Aggron summons a barrage of rocks which fall from the ceiling onto Charizard. In his bewilderment at Aggron’s survival of Charizard’s Fire Blast, Alex fails to order a counter and Charizard immediately slumps to the floor. Six minutes remaining.
    Alex smirks. He is ashamed that such a strong Pokémon of his was defeated so quickly, simply because of his own poor knowledge of Hoenn Pokémon, but he was happy too, because the loss gives him an excuse to use his strongest Pokémon…
    “Go, Gastly!” he shouts, and his faithful Gastly flies from his side into the centre of the arena.
    Although he has two Pokémon remaining and only needs to take out one more, Brendan knows that it’s still an uphill struggle. Alex’s Gastly is the strongest Pokémon he has ever heard of and it’s famous for its incredible abilities.
    “Aggron!” shouts Brendan, “Use Iron Tail!”
    Alex says nothing in response, but Gastly springs into action. It appears as if Alex is able to command his Pokémon telepathically, but it cannot be certain. Aggron swings its tail at Gastly with all the brute force it can muster, but Gastly dodges out of the way. Aggron turns around to see Gastly behind it, and discovers that it has taken the form of a female Aggron… and an attractive one at that. Aggron, who Brendan is abundantly aware is not the smartest Pokémon in his team, approaches the female Aggron with cautious optimism. Brendan shouts at him to back away and attack, but it is too enthralled. As Brendan’s Aggron reaches out his arm to touch the female Aggron, the female suddenly transforms back into Gastly and knocks Aggron back with a vicious Energy Ball! Aggron falls to the ground with a huge thud, but manages to pull itself up again – only to be hit by a Confuse Ray!
    Brendan looks to the screen displaying the timer in fear, there’s only five minutes left, that’s half of the time he started with, will it be enough to stop the incredible force of Alex’s Gastly?
    Aggron stumbles around in bewilderment as Gastly hits it with repeated Shadow Balls, which though ineffective are easy for Gastly to produce as a Ghost type itself.
    “Pull it together, Aggron!” Brendan yells in anger, “We’re never gonna win like this!”
    “You’re never gonna win at all,” says Alex, smirking at Brendan, then he looks at Gastly and nods. Gastly begins hitting Aggron with a barrage of Thunderbolts, they bring the metal beast back to its senses, but the unrelenting onslaught of attacks means that it is unable to retaliate or even attempt to move out of the way.
    “That’s done it, Gastly,” informs Alex sternly. He looks at the screen to his side and smiles to himself, four minutes left – not long now.
    Gastly finally ceases its ruthless bombardment, but Aggron is unable to move. Gastly’s attacks have not only drained the majority of its health, but have also paralysed it! Aggron and Gastly both remain motionless for a moment until Alex once again nods to Gastly, who flies at Aggron, hitting him square in the chest with an awesome Sucker Punch. This final attack sends the beast toppling to the floor. Brendan withdraws Aggron and glances back at the screen, only three minutes remaining, there’s not much time left.
    Brendan sends out his last Pokémon, Gardevoir, but is feeling pessimistic.
    “Ok, Gardevoir, we’ve got to make this quick, let’s go!” shouts Brendan, feigning enthusiasm, “Use a Psychic attack to start things off!”
    Gardevoir bursts forward, focuses for a moment and fires a Psychic attack directly at Gastly, but all that is seen is a purple explosion where the sneaky ghost used to be.
    “It did this with Aggron! Don’t let it fool you!” shouts Brendan.
    Gardevoir turns around to see a Tyranitar towering over it.
    “It’s just an illusion!” shouts Brendan, “Don’t be afraid! Use Psychic again!”
    Gardevoir trusts its trainer’s judgement and as Tyranitar’s fearsome Crunch comes crashing down it fires the strongest Psychic it can muster which causes the dark giant to flinch and destroys Gastly’s illusion, turning it back into Gastly.
    Brendan glances at the screen again, just two minutes now…
    “Gardevoir! Use Future Sight to back yourself up later!” shouts Brendan.
    Gardevoir focuses and uses Future Sight, sending an attack into the future to hit Gastly, but takes a Shadow Ball as a result. Gardevoir slumps for a moment before turning back to its trainer for further commands.
    “Teleport!” shouts Brendan, seeing Gastly prepare its next attack.
    Gastly fires a second Shadow Ball, this one hitting exactly where Gardevoir would have been. It looks around for Gardevoir, but its nowhere to be seen…
    Brendan anticipates his Pokémon’s emergence eagerly, nervously checking the clock on the screen … Just one minute remains… “Gardevoir!” shouts Brendan, “There’s no time for this! Use Psychic!”
    Suddenly, Gardevoir bursts out of the shadows and hits Gastly with a Psychic blast, which it is completely unable to avoid. Gastly instantly hits back with a Shadow Ball, knocking Gardevoir to the floor.
    The battle is lost and Gardevoir uses the last of its strength to Teleport Brendan to safety as the timer reaches zero. The explosions begin, Alex laughs triumphantly at Brendan’s pathetic attempts when suddenly – an attack comes from nowhere! Future Sight! Gastly is knocked out and the machines suddenly fail. Sealed into his bunker by the frozen door frame with no way of healing his Pokémon, Alex can do nothing but wait for the authorities to apprehend him – as Brendan left his father a note with Alex’s location before he left.
    The area where Pacifidlog City was is completely destroyed. Luckily, due to a freak tidal wave caused by Alex’s weaponry, the entirety of Pacifidlog drifted all the way to the shore of Slateport so there were no casualties and Brendan successfully saved Hoenn.

  2. #2
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    A few things,

    1) Spaces between paragraphs would be nice. I see a wall of text on my screen and I instantly don't wanna read. But I still gave yours a chance.

    2) Then I read the first paragraph and that's when I stopped reading. Seriously, this is what you wrote...
    Quote Originally Posted by Gastlys Mama View Post
    Alex, criminal mastermind, accompanied, as always by his Gastly, which he keeps outside of its Poké Ball, is in a bunker deep under the sea of Route 131, he is in the final stage of realising the goal that he has been working towards for the last year – the total annihilation of all of Hoenn! His weapons are in place and if all goes according to plan, the only thing in Hoenn to survive will be his bunker – no longer would it be the wart on the face of the Pokémon world that it had been for so long!
    If you knew how to write, you could have had something that looked like this –

    -
    Alex walked with vigor as he neared the control room of his under sea bunker. Behind him, his Gastly floated along merrily, a wicked smile etched across its black face. For years Alex had been utilizing every bit of his criminal know how while evading the ever watchful eyes of the Pokemon League. Soon it would all be over though and, if all went according to plan, Hoenn would be obliterated.
    -

    See! Now we have sentence structure! You’re not slapping the reader with too much too fast! And it’s actually well written!

    Glad I could help :D

  3. #3
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    :/ Well that was rude, Bulbs.

    I wasn't exactly sure who I was supposed to side with in this one. It starts off from Alex's point of view, but then switches to Brendan's. For short stories especially, you want to limit your point of view to one character. Also, on the one hand, I want to root for Alex, because anti-heroes are cool, but he lacks any real justification to blow stuff up. On the other hand, I want to root for Brendan, but the beginning paragraph made me think I was supposed to root for Alex.

    The ending was also rather odd. Everything got tied up too well. Sure, I realize that there are kids on this forum and we don't want to scar them by killing hundreds (I mean, I edited out Tyranitar being beheaded in my fic), but like... the ending wasn't nearly as dramatic as it could've been.

    A few general writing tips too: past tense tends to flow better, unless it's first person. Also, like Bulbs said, double space between paragraphs.
    "The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."-W. Somerset Maugham

  4. #4
    Bloody Melt
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    You know, Bulb, you could be at least a little less harsh. Heck, good writers always start off with a ton of mistakes, then slowly clawing their way up to greatness.
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

  5. #5
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Well, I suppose at least all the criticism was arguably constructive. Yeah, I had a problem with the tense. Originally I had in past tense, but the action scenes didn't sound as good so I tried to put it all in present. Then of course, the explanation scenes didn't sound as good.

    As for the nicely tied up ending, yeah, I completely agree with you. I would've much preferred to make it a fair amount longer, and made it a bit better explained. In fact, in reference to what Bulbs said, the first paragraph is poorly written because it's considerably condensed from its original size, were it took up half the word limit.

    And as for the who to root for dilemma, even as the writer I had that problem. I really wasn't sure how to end it... I didn't want Brendan to beat Alex because it just seemed a bit generic, but at the same time, Hoenn being obliterated seemed a bit overboard, so I tried to compromise =P

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    Yeah, unfortunately, compromises don't work too great, otherwise the story just seems wishy washy and mild. :/
    "The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."-W. Somerset Maugham

  7. #7
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Maybe I'll rewrite it with these comments in mind. Then again, maybe I won't, I would never have bothered writing this if it weren't for that competition. (Well, I guess that's obvious) What I mean is, it's not really got a good enough basic idea to bother with in my opinion.

    On a similar note, I'm thinking of (and planning) writing a fanfiction about the rival in RBY. Won't be a masterpiece, but it'll be something I'll enjoy and hopefully it'll go down a bit better than this. =P

  8. #8
    Rocking the Lucario Thundagere's Avatar
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    Default Re: Battle for Hoenn

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    Maybe I'll rewrite it with these comments in mind. Then again, maybe I won't, I would never have bothered writing this if it weren't for that competition. (Well, I guess that's obvious) What I mean is, it's not really got a good enough basic idea to bother with in my opinion.

    On a similar note, I'm thinking of (and planning) writing a fanfiction about the rival in RBY. Won't be a masterpiece, but it'll be something I'll enjoy and hopefully it'll go down a bit better than this. =P
    Reading this, I really see what a long way Rival's Story has come. It's really awesome.
    Won't be a masterpiece
    Of course it won't be. What on earth could make you think otherwise?
    Really, I collapsed laughing at this phrase. Won't be a masterpiece? It became one of the best works in the WW! Lol. Amazing, really.
    Last edited by Thundagere; 31st October 2010 at 04:48 PM.

    Made by Blue Dragon!

  9. #9
    #YEEZUS Ultra Pidgeot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Battle for Hoenn

    This story has two problems.

    1-Written in present tense

    2-The ending is tied up too nicely.

    Otherwise, I liked it!

  10. #10
    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default Re: Battle for Hoenn

    Quote Originally Posted by Ultra Pidgeot View Post
    This story has two problems.

    1-Written in present tense

    2-The ending is tied up too nicely.

    Otherwise, I liked it!
    He wrote this two years ago.

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