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  1. #16
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    Aww, that was cute.

    Very cute. Although, it was a very tiny bit on the telling side of the scale instead of showing. You did both.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  2. #17
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    Nice chapter, Maylene is so cute and she's starting to grow on me. Keep it up! :)

  3. #18
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    What an amazing response!

    El_Noobio: Don't give away plot points! :O But it was obvious, considering the word "Money" and anyone who talks to all NPCs in the game (like me) should easily connect them...

    Dragonite Ernston: I'll work on it. Hopefully the next chapter will improve.

    Tsutarja: Glad to see you taking a liking to her.

    Thank you all for the comments!

  4. #19
    A man in love Pesky Bug's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    Ah, it's nice to see a Maylene fic. :) I really like her. You can count on me continuing to read. :P

    Though I kinda find it funny that you show her as more or less of a glutton, 'cause the Pokemon Specials manga says she had gone through starvation to become stronger. Or so I remember.

  5. #20
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    It's because I've never read that manga (except for Volume 1), and I'm basing my story more on the games than on the Anime/Manga. And In HGSS, she's exactly that way.

    Quote Originally Posted by Maylene
    Munch munch munch... The eatathon contest! I never dreamed of such a wonderful thing. After a strict diet of training, I can eat like a Hippowdon. The winner eats for free, too. That's just a dream come true!
    Thanks for reading and commenting!

  6. #21
    Lost Time Memory Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    I liked the first chapter, especially Maylene's "catchphrase" if you could call it tha, it was a little bit uneventful but I know it worked more as an introductory chapter.

  7. #22

    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    “You’re old enough now to know the difference between Strongest and Stronger!” He laughed. “About time to say it the correct way, eh?”
    Lowercase H.

    “I got mud on the floor,” Maylene said even though the mud was visible ever since they had entered the Gym and she was just stating the obvious. “Do you clean?”
    Show, don't tell. Instead of that, something like the following would work better:

    "I got mud on the floor," Maylene said. She glanced around, observing the large brown patches that soiled the otherwise clean floor. "Do you clean?
    But I guess that's just me nitpicking.

    “We can train on our way back!” Maylene jumped up in excitement and Riolu copied. “Come on! Let’s go! Run run run run run!”
    D'AWWW. That's just adorable.

    “We’re not training! We’re running! Are you ready?!” He shouted.
    Lowercase H.

    “I shouldn’t be this tired!” He said and stood up straight. “I am strong!”
    Lowercase H.

    “But I am Strongest!” Maylene grinned and punched Crasher Wake, and he acted as if she threw him back a few paces.
    XD YOU GO, GIRL.

    She held the door open for the pair, and picked Riolu up as if he was am infant.
    an**

    “I’ll go catch up with your father!” He said and walked away to her parents’ room,
    Lowercase H.

    “How was your training today, Maylene?” She said as she stirred something that was cooking on the oven.
    Lowercase S.

    Maylene’s mother almost burs into laughter at the last statement,
    burst**

    “I will also become an Aura Master!” She shouted and stretched her arms out, as if she was firing some sort of an aura attack.
    Lowercase S.

    “Because even when you grow up and become the Strongest, you will still be my child.”
    ;-; Awww. That's sweet.

    Anyways, nice chapter, and sorry for the late-ish review. Sickness sucks. It's a small, odd thing, but I like how you captured Maylene's cannon obsession with food. And as with before, I like her childish spirit: the fact that she has arguing parents and she doesn't let it bother her.

    Update soon!


    Thanks to ShinySandshrew of serebiiforums for the banner!

  8. #23
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default §2: Childhood Friends

    Crasher Wake left back to Pastoria the next day after spending the night telling stories of his wresting matches to Maylene. It took her some time, but she eventually fell asleep. Her mother insisted on Crasher Wake spending the night in the guest room, as it was too dark outside, which seemed absurd considering that Crasher Wake could take care of himself.

    ‘Good morning, sleepy girl.’

    ‘I dreamed that I kicked Crasher Wake all across Sinnoh,’ Maylene said while rubbing her eyes. Her mother let out a fragile giggle and shifted her attention back to making breakfast. ‘I also became very strong and made a new city called MayleneWorld. I became Gym Leader and very strong. Everyone loved me because I was strong.’

    ‘That’s sweet,’ her mother said. ‘Come here and have breakfast.’ Maylene walked up to a small chair and pulled it to the kitchen, where her mother had made something edible. She began munching away at it while her mother talked. ‘I also got a call from dad’s friend in Snowpoint, Candice is going to come to Veilstone. Isn’t that exciting? You haven’t seen her in a long time!’

    ‘Yeah!’ Maylene exclaimed. ‘But what do I do? She likes clothes and hair and makeup and looks and beauty and I don’t.’

    ‘But you’re still friends.’

    That was partially true. Maylene and Candice weren’t close friends at all; everything that happened between was awkward and their conversations were shallow. Maylene didn’t like hanging out with Candice, but she has proved to be a good battler who was always willing to learn from Maylene, as well as teach her some skills.

    ‘I guess I can go play with her,’ Maylene said as she took the last bite of what she finally recognized as a sandwich, though the ingredients were still unknown. ‘When will she be here?’

    ‘In a few hours,’ her mother answered. ‘But I don’t want you to just spend your time battling; get to know each other.’

    ‘I will, mom,’ Maylene said, got up and ran to hug her mother. ‘Thanks for the food. I will go outside now!’

    Maylene ran off before her mother could finish her generic ‘Be careful!’ sentences. She flung the door wide open and ran through the Gym. She jumped over obstacles, avoided a few kicks and punches, and got out of the Gym.

    It was as sunny as ever. Maylene looked at her hometown and couldn’t help but feel proud. The future for Sinnoh was looking bright. Many greeted her as she walked around the town. After years of walking barefoot, she learned to ignore the pain, and slowly her body became accustomed to it.

    She walked towards the meteorites that rested on the eastern side of the city. The four shiny rocks glittered under the sunlight, the gray reflecting on the small craters surrounding them, and the wind moving some of their dust around. Maylene was mesmerized by the sight, and reconsidered the differences between her and Candice; she obviously cared for beautiful things.

    ‘Maylene,’ a male voice called out to her, but the meteorites captivated her too much for her to notice it. ‘Maylene!’ He said again and she immediately recognized the voice.

    ‘Daddy!’ she jumped up and turned to see her father standing with a Poké Ball in his hand. ‘Good morning!’ She ran up to her father, and in a swift movement jumped up to kick him. Her foot connected with his chest, and the pair fell to the ground.

    ‘I just wanted to bring Riolu to you,’ he laughed. ‘You should really stop kicking me whenever you see me. I was young when I told you to start, but I’m not anymore.’

    ‘You’re still young,’ Maylene said. ‘Your hair is not white yet.’

    ‘Here’s Riolu,’ he rolled the Poké Ball over to Maylene and got up to dust himself off. ‘Have fun with Candice, and be careful.’

    ‘Sure thing daddy.’ Maylene wanted to talk more, but her father had already turned his body away from her and walked off. She sighed and looked down at the Poké Ball that was sitting in front of her.

    She grabbed it and got up, dusted herself off in the same manner as her father, and sent out her Riolu. The Pokémon formed and yawned for what seemed like aged. ‘Are you ready, Riolu?’ Maylene asked excitedly and Riolu looked at her with a confused look. ‘Candice is coming!’

    Riolu smiled and let out a cry of excitement as well. Maylene began running and he ran behind her. The pair seemed to just want to run around the city in circles, which was another form of training they would do. He feet made light sounds against the ground beneath her, her hair started flying farther behind her as she increased her speed, and a smile spread across her face as she saw Riolu beating her.

    ‘You’re getting faster!’ she shouted. ‘But I am getting faster too!’ She increased the speed in which he legs moved, and took even longer steps. She looked as if she was jumping from one point to the other. Her feet made louder sounds whenever she hit the gravel, her body started tiring, but she managed to run past Riolu.

    The Pokémon copied her actions, and slowly started catching up to her again. Maylene looked back at the Pokémon with another wide smile, unaware of the Department Store in front her. She began laughing and closed her eyes, which made Riolu’s frantic arm waving for her to look forward useless. She opened her eyes after a few seconds to see that her surroundings has changed. The horizon lost the trees and adapted walls, the ground felt softer, and a faint sound of music surrounded her. She realized that she had gone through the automatic doors, which meant that she was heading for the counter.

    But he realization came too late. Before Maylene could even think of slowing down, her legs hit a hard surface and her body flipped upside down. She could see the other end of the counter attached to the roof and everything else hanging upside down. Her back smashed against the opposite side of the counter, and she let out a scream of pain before falling to the ground.

    A few people ran up to her and gasped as they realized that she was Maylene, the Gym Leader’s daughter. Riolu ran up to her and pulled her head, which seemed odd at first, but her body slowly moved after the Riolu. Her legs fell to the ground, her body straightened, and after Riolu jumped onto the side Maylene crashed into, her body became in a sitting position.

    A few seconds later, she opened her eyes to hear gasps of relief. ‘I’m not that hurt,’ she said. ‘Just a scratch, it’ll go away.’ More gasps of relief, followed by a few people leaving the scene. ‘Sorry about that,’ she chuckled nervously. ‘Didn’t want to make problems. Riolu, let’s continue training!’

    She jumped up and over the counter. Riolu followed her through the door and back outside. ‘How long have we been running for?’ She asked, even though she knew that Riolu wasn’t able to answer. The light of the day changed since she last remembered it; she never gave attention to her surroundings while running. ‘Candice should be here soon, I think.’ Riolu nodded and the pair walked back to the Gym, where, as expected, Candice was waiting.

    She was as tall as Maylene. Candice had black hair tied into two braids the extended out, which matched her brown eyes. She wore a white shirt and a short orange skirt that was the same colour as her shoes. She had a blue sweater tied around her waist and a blue bowtie that matched her striped socks.

    Beside her was a round black Pokémon covered in a yellow and orange triangular cape. She had small blue eyes and round feet and hands. The Snorunt noticed Maylene and pulled at Candice’s socks slightly, which cause her to turn her head a little and shift her attention from Maylene’s mother to Maylene.

    ‘Maylene!’ the smile on her face broadened. ‘I just got here! How are you?’

    Maylene’s mother walked out of the scene after finishing her talk with Candice and went to watch a show about berries. Candice walked up to Maylene and shook a little, confused as to whether or not to hug her.

    ‘I’m good,’ Maylene responded. ‘How are you?’

    ‘Just feeling a little hot,’ she laughed. ‘You don’t have the snow that we have in Snowpoint.’

    ‘Yeah, we don’t,’ Maylene laughed as well. ‘What made you come here?’

    ‘I was going to Hearthome to see a Pokémon Super Contest! Why don’t you come with me?’

    ‘I’m fine with you going,’ her mother added. ‘I talked with Candice about it before you came here. You can go if you want, just be careful while on the road.’

    Candice reached out and grabbed Maylene’s hand. ‘We will have fun!’ she said and dragged Maylene behind her. ‘Let’s go, Snorunt!’

    Snorunt followed them, and Riolu was the last to leave the house. Candice let go of Maylene’s hand, and the pair began running through Veilstone, towards Hearthome. She couldn’t understand why she was going with Candice. Maylene has never been interested in these types of contests; she preferred battling. But having no friend but a foreign wrestler who is old enough to be her dad didn’t seem enough.

    Candice was always warm and friendly to Maylene, who she didn’t object to that. Even though it was awkward and weird, she still appreciated their shallow friendships, and hoped that the contest would strengthen it.

    Before realising it, she was already in Hearthome City. ‘We really ran fast,’ she said. ‘Is that even possible?’

    She turned around to see that Candice wasn’t there, but Riolu was. ‘Were we too fast for them?’ Maylene laughed. ‘Let’s go back to join them again.’ Riolu nodded and turned around, ready to run back towards wherever they left Candice and Snorunt.

    A beam of ice suddenly drew itself from the horizon and towards Maylene’s feet. A small dot began approaching them, and it was soon evident that it was Candice and Snorunt. The Pokémon skidded across the ice, with Candice right behind him. She looked as happy as Maylene was when Crasher Wake ran with her on his shoulder. Her hair blew back the way she came, and her smile was wide.

    Maylene remembered the time when she was careless for a few moments in time, and relived it. She smiled and jumped onto the ice. The force made her skid across it towards the approaching Candice. Snorunt jumped off of the trail to avoid being crushed by the two girls.

    ‘I won’t get off!’ Candice shouted. ‘You should give up!’

    ‘I never give up!’ Maylene shouted back. ‘You’re the one who should get off of the ice.’

    ‘We’ll crash into each other!’

    ‘We will!’

    Candice bent her knees a little, which seemed to increase her speed. Maylene struggled to stay on the ice, but she didn’t want to fall off and allow Candice to win this. The girls approached each other. Candice flowing elegantly across the ice, one leg in front of her and the other bent awkwardly behind her.

    ‘If you don’t get off I might knock you over!’

    The distance became shorter. Candice’s right foot was mere meters away from Maylene’s. Panic overtook the latter, and before she knew it, she was on the grass again. Candice passed her, laughing childishly as she waved for Snorunt to jump back onto the ice.

    It was at that moment that Maylene realised something; she can’t be the Strongest without learning from Candice.

    Their friendship was just starting.
    Last edited by Kyuuketsuki; 11th March 2013 at 08:27 PM.

  9. #24

    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    But he realization came too late. Before Maylene could even think of slowing down, her legs hit a hard surface and her body flipped upside down. She could see the other end of the counter attached to the roof and everything else hanging upside down. Her back smashed against the opposite side of the counter, and she let out a scream of pain before falling to the ground.

    A few people ran up to her and gasped as they realized that she was Maylene, the Gym Leader’s daughter. Riolu ran up to her and pulled her head, which seemed odd at first, but her body slowly moved after the Riolu. Her legs fell to the ground, her body straightened, and after Riolu jumped onto the side Maylene crashed into, her body became in a sitting position.
    OH GOD I FELT THAT THROUGH THE COMPUTER. ;-;

    “How long have we been running for?” She asked,
    You were doing so well! Lowercase S.

    Cute chapter. I like Candice. :3 And her Snorunt is absolutely adorable.

    Update quick.


    Thanks to ShinySandshrew of serebiiforums for the banner!

  10. #25
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    I love this chapter, it was short but I think we saw enough of Candice for this chapter. I like how different they are, thought I believe they will eventually become close friends.

    Keep it up!

  11. #26
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    Quote Originally Posted by IanDonyer View Post
    OH GOD I FELT THAT THROUGH THE COMPUTER. ;-;
    Yes! My writing is finally affecting people's physical health! Next up, Maylene is split into two!

    Quote Originally Posted by IanDonyer View Post
    You were doing so well! Lowercase S.
    I do try to not do that though, it just pops in and I forget to edit it out every once in a while. But I am making improvements at least.

    Quote Originally Posted by IanDonyer View Post
    Cute chapter. I like Candice. :3 And her Snorunt is absolutely adorable.
    Glad to see that. I imagined people might dislike the "typical girl" attitude of liking "typical girl" stuff.

    Quote Originally Posted by IanDonyer View Post
    Update quick.
    An update should be soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    I love this chapter, it was short but I think we saw enough of Candice for this chapter. I like how different they are, thought I believe they will eventually become close friends.
    If you liked this then you'll probably like the upcoming chapters, which focus more and more on Maylene making friends and learning from them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    Keep it up!
    I won't disappoint!!!

  12. #27
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default §3: Who’s That Chick?

    Maylene has been to Hearthome City before, but she had forgotten how beautiful it is. She didn’t expect it to be this entertaining for someone who is more interested in battling, but the display of beauty and coordination in the contest excited her; it showed a whole new side of Pokémon to her.

    She sat between Candice and some loud girl who booed Fantina, the Hearthome City Gym Leader, when she won with Loony the Drifblim. Candice walked out with the crowd and Maylene followed. She struggled to keep up with her, as it was very crowded, and no one seemed to notice a small girl amongst them as they bushed her around. Riolu clang on to Maylene’s right foot until they managed to get out, where Candice and Snorunt were waiting.

    ‘Did you like the contest?’ Candice started. ‘I loved it! It was so exciting. Did you see Fantina? I want to be like her one day! Strong and elegant!’

    ‘It was very good,’ Maylene said. ‘And fun. We should do this more often.’

    Suddenly, an arm wrapped itself around Maylene’s neck. It was covered with a black sleeve and a green cloak; Maylene recognized it as the loud girl’s arm.

    ‘Some contest, right?!’ she shouted. ‘Though I didn’t like that Ghost Pokémon, even if it was Fantina’s.’

    ‘Who are you?’ Maylene said as soon as she broke out of her grasp.

    ‘I’m Gardenia,’ she said. ‘And I know that you’re Maylene; I saw you at the party a few years back. Wanted to meet you ever since. Punching a large body like that; you must be rebellious.’

    Maylene had turned around and managed to attach a more accurate look to the name. Gardenia had short orange and black hair, and her clothing seemed to be a wild mixture of green, black and orange, with most of her midsection showing.

    ‘I’m Candice,’ Candice said. ‘A friend of Maylene’s. Nice to meet you.’

    ‘Where are you girls going?’ Gardenia asked. ‘If you have nothing important to do, we could have out little adventure together.’

    Maylene glanced over at Candice who seemed to have surrendered the decision away. She thought it over for a few seconds. Her mother wouldn’t want her getting into any kinds of trouble, but she trusted Maylene, and knows that she can take care of herself. Crasher Wake on the other hand, would approve in a heartbeat.

    ‘Alright,’ Maylene said. ‘What kind of adventure?’

    ‘I’ll call it ‘The Quest to Find a Cute Boy’, and I know just the one. You guys just follow me.’

    ‘Where to?’ Candice asked, but Gardenia had already run off, and Maylene followed her. She sprinted after the pair, all the while questioning why they should trust this complete stranger.

    Gardenia led them out of Hearthome City and into a cave that everyone in Sinnoh knew as Mt. Coronet. Maylene jumped over obstacles and looked as if she was a free running expert; why didn’t Crasher Wake train her here before?

    ‘Where are we going?’ Maylene shouted after the speeding Gardenia.

    ‘To Oreburgh City!’ Gardenia responded. ‘To the Gym Leader’s son!’

    The group went through an exit, and ran across a long path, then down a slope, where Oreburgh City awaited them. Gardenia seemed to know her way around, while Maylene looked around in surprise; all the buildings, roads, people, they were all different from Veilstone, Hearthome, and Pastoria City.

    ‘What do you think of this city?’ Candice asked, breaking Maylene’s trance of awe. ‘I’ve passed it before, but never visited it fully. Now, it makes me happy to know that where we live has so many different cities.’

    ‘I like it,’ Maylene responded simply. ‘It’s different.’

    The pair followed Gardenia to the Gym, where they met the famous Byron. He was a large man with scruffy purple hair and worn-out clothes. But his son, Roark, was who they came to meet. He had a different shade of his father’s hair, though it was obviously more taken care of. His eyes matched his hair, and his clothes seemed to be those of a worker. The final touch was a helmet with a flashlight.

    Gardenia seemed to know them both before hand, and it didn’t take long for Roark to leave his father’s side and follow them outside. ‘This is Roark,’ Gardenia started the typical line. ‘These are Maylene and Candice, from somewhere and somewhere.’

    ‘Nice to meet you two,’ Roark said and tipped his helmet a little bit. ‘Are you friends of Gardenia?’

    ‘You could say that,’ Maylene laughed. ‘We’re recent friends.’

    ‘Let’s train!’ Gardenia exclaimed. ‘I know you want to become a Gym Leader, Maylene; I also heard that at the party. Roark wants to become a Gym Leader as well, so do I! What about you Candice?’

    ‘I haven’t given it much thought…’ Candice said. ‘I’m not very good at battling.’

    ‘Then you’ll train with us!’ Gardenia shouted.

    One Year Later

    ‘Hello, Maylene!’ Crasher Wake kicked down Maylene’s door, much to everyone’s surprise. But Maylene didn’t care about the door; Crasher Wake was here!

    He had left for some business in Johto a few months ago, and seeing her mentor for the first time in years brought more joy to Maylene then she could have imagined.

    ‘Huge man!’ she shouted and jumped towards him to hug him. As soon as her body collided with his, they were both sent tumbling back towards the wall, which suffered an obvious dent as Crasher Wake smashed against it. ‘I missed you, stupid person!’

    ‘I leave for a few months and Gardenia affects your speech this much?’ he laughed, and Maylene followed. By now, his accent has transformed completely and became undistinguishable from Maylene’s, and his trip to Johto wasn’t long enough to change it.

    Maylene had also changed with time. She had grown a little taller, her speech began resembling Gardenia’s, who had become a close friend along with Candice and Roark, and her free spirit grew to become wilder than it was before.

    ‘What did you do in Johto?’ Maylene said. ‘Tell me all about it, person!’

    ‘The details don’t matter,’ Crasher Wake said. The pair had got off of the floor and sat of the bed. ‘I came back for a short time, I will go back to Johto in a few hours.’

    ‘You came just to visit me?’

    ‘That and something else,’ Crasher Wake said. ‘I have talked to a friend of mine. His name is Chuck, he’s a Gym Leader there and is currently training some boy named Brawly to become a Gym Leader as well. He accepted to train you.’

    ‘But I was happy training with you and my friends,’ Maylene’s tone dropped to one that resembled her former speech. ‘I didn’t even have much time to grow Strongest.’

    ‘You will meet them again,’ Crasher Wake said. ‘And you will make new friends as well. This will help you, Maylene. Your parents had already agreed on you going. Besides, I’ll be there as well.’

    Maylene lowered her head and faced the sheets of her bed. She thought it over for a few seconds. Was she really willing to abandon her friends without a goodbye? What will Candice, her most trusted friend, thin of her? What about Gardenia, the one who taught her the tough attitude she built upon? What will she do when she realises that Maylene had left? And Roark, the cute boy she had a crush on. Would she have to forget him as well?

    ‘You can always come back at anytime you want,’ Crasher Wake said. ‘It’s just a short boat trip away. So, are you coming?’

    Maylene sighed and looked up. Her eyes met Crasher Wake’s, her body filled with determination, and her hand reached for Riolu’s Poké Ball. She jumped onto the floor and ran out of the room.

    ‘I’ll race you there!’ she yelled back, even though she didn’t know which way to go. But it was a new adventure, and a new quest to make her the Strongest. Who knows, maybe this Brawly boy is cute enough to replace Roark.
    Last edited by Kyuuketsuki; 10th October 2012 at 05:39 PM.

  13. #28
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    So, Maylene goes to Johto? It's kinda strange, first we have a short appearance of Gardenia and then Roark shows up - was it necessary to have them all in this chapter?

    Also, I would have preferred if you at least described the contest battle so Maylene could realize the positive sides of contests, you said that she she preferred battling, it would have made a fine transition to this chapter when she realizes that contests are also in a way kinds of battles. We could also hear her comments on the appeal moves.

    Anyway, it was an okay chapter. I personally don't think that so many gym leaders are needed in the fic., but hey, it's your story.

    Keep it up!
    Last edited by Tsutarja; 18th February 2011 at 02:51 AM.

  14. #29
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    I wanted to use this chapter to establish Maylene's life in Sinnoh. Gardenia was not going to appear in it; she was a last minute add. And I'm not adding Gym Leaders because they're Gym Leaders, they actually play into the plot.

    And I'm not very good at describing contests, which is why I skipped it. And Lastly, Johto is where the plot actually begins. There is some action involved, it's not just a "how Maylene trained" story.

    But hopefully, you'll like the next chapters. :)

  15. #30

    Default Re: The Barefoot, Fighting Genius!

    She didn’t expect it to be this entertaining for someone who is more interested in battling,
    Nitpick time! "who is more". Is is a present-tense verb. The rest of the sentence is past tense. Replace is with was.

    “I’m Gardenia,” she said. “And I know that you’re Maylene; I saw you at the party a few years back. Wanted to meet you ever since. Punching a large body like that; you must be rebellious.”
    GARDENIAAA. I LOVE GARDENIA. :3

    He had left for some business in Johto a few months ago, and seeing her mentor for the first time in years brought more joy to Maylene then she could have imagined.
    Okay, so you contradict yourself here. I assume you meant "seeing her mentor for WHAT FELT LIKE the first time in years".

    "That and something else,” Crasher Wake said. “I have talked to a friend of mine. His name is Chuck, he’s a Gym Leader there and is currently training some boy named Brawly to become a Gym Leader as well. He accepted to train you.”
    CHUCK. Sweet!

    What will she do when she realises that Maylene had left
    Another tense error. Will is present tense. Would is what you're looking for. Same with realises: it's present tense. You're looking for realised.


    Good chapter! I hate that Gardenia's appearance was so short. :( But I'll live, I guess.

    Can't wait to see Chuck and Brawly in. So fighting leader tutoring the fighting leaders; I suppose Chuck'll be a little less chubby than in his game appearance? XD

    Update soon!


    Thanks to ShinySandshrew of serebiiforums for the banner!

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