From aura zero, ( Shootingshadow from fan fic.com thank you for the aura zero idea)

Results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: From aura zero, ( Shootingshadow from fan fic.com thank you for the aura zero idea)

  1. #1
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
    Posts
    546
    Blog Entries
    16

    Default From aura zero, ( Shootingshadow from fan fic.com thank you for the aura zero idea)

    Dream sequence: My dream
    There lay a young ebony haired young boy. Pretty much my age, lying down in the middle of the playground, crying. There many other children were ganging around him, kicking him, punching him,. They were all sniggering, nearby there was the sound of a bell; then even more children emerging from the doors in nearby corridors. They too started to join in the torment of the young boy. Soon it seemed that the entire school was attacking the defenceless boy. A couple of seconds later, the loud cracking of the boys bones resulted in even louder cries, for help, for someone, for anyone to stop this torment. Meanwhile some teachers passed not caring. Then all of a sudden the gang stopped and took a few steps away from what was left of the destroyed boy. Now that I had a better view, I could see that his arms and legs completely destroyed, many teeth were knocked out, and his ribs looked badly smashed as well. Then out from the crowd came a purple haired boy, a cruel and heartless smirk filling his face, followed by a mess brown haired boy, who seemed to want to stop whatever the former had in mind. An argument broke out before the latter was pulled away by the crowd leaving the purple haired boy to commit whatever his mind had come up with. The pit of my stomach fell with dread as he stepped closer to crying boy, in his pool of blood, the purple hairs shoes made a splashing sound as if stepping into an ordinary rain puddle, not blood. He smirked just seconds from lifting his fist, the orb that surrounded it was starting to flame, as he made one quick movement, it was clear that his attack was to... to...crack open the.... young boys....h..h...head, as his flaming fist came within millimetres of its target....

    tell me what you think! this is my current work in progress. first part though not first chapter.
    Last edited by Nour386; 19th July 2011 at 05:24 PM.

  2. #2
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    The United States
    Posts
    564
    Blog Entries
    25

    Default Re: An Agreement

    Well....it's certainly better then that other fic you had....and...uh...nice title.

    Do you plan out your stories? I've found that only writers who are experienced should wing it and write the story as it
    goes along.

    The capitalization was horrendous and the grammer was flawed but passable.

    Would you read the story you wrote? Would you enjoy the story you wrote? Do you think it was good?

  3. #3
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
    Posts
    546
    Blog Entries
    16

    Default Re: An Agreement

    wow and I thought i was a critic.
    and yes I would read these stories, because I write something I'M interested IN. so if you don't like it, so what? It's no the end of the world, jeez get over it and hope it gets better later and SUCK IT Up! that was a lump I needed to get rid of.

  4. #4
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    The United States
    Posts
    564
    Blog Entries
    25

    Default Re: An Agreement

    Well you can't expect to not get a review can you? At least I read it. I was asking those questions to make sure you weren't doing this for no reason.

    Don't hate on the people who read your stories. I won't be reading the next chapter.

  5. #5
    Fossil Maniac LibraSnakes13's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    24
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: An Agreement

    Wow, I think I'm going to agree with basically everything Cabaret said except the part where he wrote that the grammar was "flawed but passable."
    This grammar was not passable, it was horrendous.

    Seriously, nothing turns off a reader more than horrible grammar which this story is filled to the brim with.

    Examples:

    "lked"
    Should be "walked"

    " alright!" cried ash as he defeated trip in an epic battle that resulted in Pikachu and Trip's Serperior, Pikachu Barely won.
    This sentence just sucks as too much is crammed in here. For one thing it should be "Alright!" cried Ash as he defeated Trip..."
    And...why is Barely capitalized...?

    "so after a quick trip with Trip to the pokemon centre ( hahaha get it?) Ash and his pokemon ( not saying because of spoilers) ran off to their camp site to take wit Iris, Cilan, Brock, Misty, May, Dawn, Max Tracey."
    I guess the "correct" version of this would be: "So after a quick trip with Trip to the pokemon centre, Ash and his pokemon ran off to their camp site to talk with Iris, Cilan, Brock, Misty, May, Dawn, Max and Tracey."

    And you should always capitalize the beginning of your sentences and names!

    There were many other errors but I kind of gave up on that department.

    This story obviously lacks any kind of evidence of proof reading. Please, please do that next time.
    Anomalocaris are sexy


  6. #6
    I love you BMGf friends Milo†icgirl McQüeen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Remember Mel B from Spice Girl
    Posts
    9,224
    Blog Entries
    336

    Default Re: An Agreement

    Not sounding too rude, but how old are you? I just want to know because you have problems with basic things like full stops and capital letters.

    Maybe if your passionate about writing it, pkan it out in bullet points then make proper, read-worthy paragraphs out of it. I'm doing that with a current fic (and my first ever fic) that's in work

  7. #7
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
    Posts
    546
    Blog Entries
    16

    Default Re: An Agreement

    Quote Originally Posted by LibraSnakes13 View Post
    Wow, I think I'm going to agree with basically everything Cabaret said except the part where he wrote that the grammar was "flawed but passable."
    This grammar was not passable, it was horrendous.

    Seriously, nothing turns off a reader more than horrible grammar which this story is filled to the brim with.

    Examples:



    Should be "walked"



    This sentence just sucks as too much is crammed in here. For one thing it should be "Alright!" cried Ash as he defeated Trip..."
    And...why is Barely capitalized...?



    I guess the "correct" version of this would be: "So after a quick trip with Trip to the pokemon centre, Ash and his pokemon ran off to their camp site to talk with Iris, Cilan, Brock, Misty, May, Dawn, Max and Tracey."

    And you should always capitalize the beginning of your sentences and names!

    There were many other errors but I kind of gave up on that department.

    This story obviously lacks any kind of evidence of proof reading. Please, please do that next time.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jesus Amen Fashion View Post
    Not sounding too rude, but how old are you? I just want to know because you have problems with basic things like full stops and capital letters.

    Maybe if your passionate about writing it, pkan it out in bullet points then make proper, read-worthy paragraphs out of it. I'm doing that with a current fic (and my first ever fic) that's in work
    Quote Originally Posted by Cabaret View Post
    Well you can't expect to not get a review can you? At least I read it. I was asking those questions to make sure you weren't doing this for no reason.

    Don't hate on the people who read your stories. I won't be reading the next chapter.
    K sorry about that Cabaret
    LibraSnakes on the other hand think positive you got that? Seriously I'm 14 (not using this as an excuse) and completely suck at English. Seriously! the only time in high school I got full marks was in a holiday task that was about, finishing a story 'starter' in 1000. I only won because the 'starter' was about someone the 'starter' was trying to make out as a villain so feeling rebellious I made him a hero. that's why it was easy on e brain wave after another, this is different because there isn't some kind of 'starter' ( unless my first chapter could be called a 'starter' ) that I could rebel against. and just so you know This story will give away massive portal 2 spoilers.

  8. #8
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
    Posts
    546
    Blog Entries
    16

    Default Re: An Agreement

    Okay I'm sorry about the way I acted so i will change this story fail into my first try to my current work in progress

  9. #9
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
    Posts
    546
    Blog Entries
    16

    Default Re: From aura zero, ( Shootingshadow from fan fic.com thank you for the aura zero id

    Okay I know I shouldn't ask for reviews if don't take advice but this is my serious fanfic and i need to know how to improve

  10. #10
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Does it matter?
    Posts
    465
    Blog Entries
    4

    Default Re: From aura zero, ( Shootingshadow from fan fic.com thank you for the aura zero id

    Alright first things first.
    اسلام عليكم

    Secondly, Chillax! You don't have to get worked up whenever someone says something about your story. It's impossible to make the perfect story that everyone will like. Futhermore, not everyone who's going to review is going to put it in "Nice" terms. Sometimes, you have to be blunt and show the writer what you mean. If those reviewers hadn't put it in those words, you wouldn't have realized your mistakes, right?

    Remember, people don't read a story to make fun of it or to look cool on the internet. They read it because they want the other guy to get better and because they want others to care for their work like they care for others (Me included). Now, that's aside.

    I agree with what the others said. Of course, I read this after a great deal of editing, yet I still find errors. Now improving is the easiest part of the equation.

    First thing you gotta do is... READ. I think you probably read already but you need to read more. Forget light novels and the like, go for the real deal. The best-sellers, the critically acclaimed and classics. They're usually the best source of great writing skills and story-telling. Reading, and reading carefully, will solve 80% of the problems in your story, even more.

    Problems:
    Spelling: Easy, try using MS Word, it has a great spellcheck that can fix most typos and mistakes.
    Grammar: Again, MS Word to the rescue, it can tell you about some typos or fragments.

    Those are the biggest problems alongside sentence structure and description. Look, you have talent, you just haven't dug it up and polished it. Put your heart into and you'll get it. Good luck with this.

  11. #11
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
    Posts
    546
    Blog Entries
    16

    Default Re: From aura zero, ( Shootingshadow from fan fic.com thank you for the aura zero id

    Quote Originally Posted by Jinoga View Post
    Alright first things first.
    اسلام عليكم

    Secondly, Chillax! You don't have to get worked up whenever someone says something about your story. It's impossible to make the perfect story that everyone will like. Futhermore, not everyone who's going to review is going to put it in "Nice" terms. Sometimes, you have to be blunt and show the writer what you mean. If those reviewers hadn't put it in those words, you wouldn't have realized your mistakes, right?

    Remember, people don't read a story to make fun of it or to look cool on the internet. They read it because they want the other guy to get better and because they want others to care for their work like they care for others (Me included). Now, that's aside.

    I agree with what the others said. Of course, I read this after a great deal of editing, yet I still find errors. Now improving is the easiest part of the equation.

    First thing you gotta do is... READ. I think you probably read already but you need to read more. Forget light novels and the like, go for the real deal. The best-sellers, the critically acclaimed and classics. They're usually the best source of great writing skills and story-telling. Reading, and reading carefully, will solve 80% of the problems in your story, even more.

    Problems:
    Spelling: Easy, try using MS Word, it has a great spellcheck that can fix most typos and mistakes.
    Grammar: Again, MS Word to the rescue, it can tell you about some typos or fragments.

    Those are the biggest problems alongside sentence structure and description. Look, you have talent, you just haven't dug it up and polished it. Put your heart into and you'll get it. Good luck with this.
    in all seriousness I DO READ I read a lot I don't read light novels either.you see the books i have recently read are, tommorrow when the war began, harry potter order of phenox and am now reading a slice of murder. these may not seem like much but they are all pretty thick. how i like my books to be, for a good read and for thwaking the annoying person. and I'm putting my heart into this or else why would stutter for the head splitter? all my other fan fic where badd because I didn't put my heart in like I do for this one (thanks for support.)

  12. #12
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
    Posts
    546
    Blog Entries
    16

    Default Re: From aura zero, ( Shootingshadow from fan fic.com thank you for the aura zero id

    My POV
    “WAAH!” I gasped as I woke up with a start. I took a look around, no blood, no playground, and no evil sniggering mob of evil looking children. I looked at my bed side table, where I kept the poké balls of my best friend. The first was a half white and half red ball; this contained my first Pokémon, a Turtwig. The second was entirely red pokéball that contained a Pokémon that was sent to me by mail, the letter something about being a mystery gift. The third was empty, for now that is. Any way I took a look at the alarm clock on my bed side table it read: 7:30 A.M. I was going to be late for the first day back to school! After rushing into my school uniform, a blue shirt with a Black jacket and black pants to match, something similar to a tuxedo. I left my room and headed sleepily to the kitchen, there my mum had left a note on the fridge that said the following: Gone to the day-care early. Your father’s in his study if you need anything before you go to school.

    “okay then I’ll just get myself some breakfast and ask dad to drop me off on one island and…..” I thought before blacking out. The next thing I saw was my turtwig looking worriedly at me. I took a better look to see that my dad was sitting near my bed doing some paper work to pass the time. When I opened my eyes properly, turtwig looked overjoyed and began to nuzzle me lovingly. My dad looked relieved, like he just dropped a forty kilogram bag off his back, and said “it’s lucky we had that stock of rawst berries. The doctor came round a couple of hours ago and said that you only had a fever.”

    “O…okay” I said weakly “wait, a couple of hours ago? That means I’m going to be late for school!”

    “Don’t worry, don’t worry! We spoke to the principle and they said it was alright we just needed a doctor’s certificate to prove you were sick.” he said and hastily added “and before you ask, yes I did get the certificate”
    With that out of the way I tried getting up, but my father commented “The doctor said you should stay in bed for the rest of the day and eat some Rawst berries to make sure you stay in health. If you feel good tomorrow you can go to school.” This was alright I still had Turtwig with me, it wouldn’t that bad. Or would it? Probably not that bad.

    Somewhere else…..

    “You will listen and obey every school rule. Function like every other student, and most importantly.. You WILL not mention anything about this meeting!” rang the strict voice from behind the desk of the deputy principle.

    “Y..Y…Yes ma’am” said a faint voice overcome with fear.

    “Excellent” she said in a less harsh tone. “Your uniform is outside in the box, your books will be next it and don’t forget to get your gloves that are under the box. And no you can’t wear them on the way home.” said the deputy.

    “Y..Y...yes Ma’am!” said a voice that seemed completely made from fear. Gratefully the raven haired boy scampered out of the room, picked up what was left for him outside the spacious office. He then handed the cloths and books to char izard who placed them in a bag that was hung from its neck. He flew off in a northern direction, he shivered and wished he had worn more than a his summer cloths, though true it was summer but at over 10 kilometres in the air it was impossible to tell when was the last time you felt warm. His thin cloths waving wildly in the strength of the wind, his yellow T-shirt with two orange lines that met on the left shoulder, and his jeans shorts that only reached bellow his knees, where really making feel like a human popsicle, even while on char izard, the Pokémon was flying so quickly that there was more wind in his face than there was heat emanating from the dragon’s body. Then a sight made the freezing young boy smile with great happiness, his home town was there below him, Pallet. His first move, after the dragon landed next to the village square, was to return the giant dragon into its pokéball which, the boy’s eldest sibling loaned him for the occasion. He then set off in easterly direction until he reached a familiar sight, his home. The large white boarded house was the home of four blood relatives, Mrs. Delia Ketchum the mother of her three children, Reggie, the eldest brother one who always watches out for everyone in the village, many villagers joke that he is going to be the next village elder because of his neutrality in everything. Next is Yellow, she is pretty much a happy girl who is always taking care of her family, though she does wish her family didn’t have such bad luck. Lastly comes the raven haired boy we’ve been following, Ash Ketchum. He is at the age of five, a cheery and supportive child who doesn’t give up, that might change though.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •