The Aura Zero

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  1. #1
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
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    Talking The Aura Zero

    Nour386 (just Nour in the story): Hello my adoring fans!
    Ash (7): but this is your first good story right?
    Nour386: so?
    Ash: how can you have fans if they haven’t read any of your good works?
    Nour386: Grrr, you’ll regret that! I don’t own Pokémon!
    Dream sequence: My dream
    There lay a young ebony haired young boy. Pretty much my age, lying down in the middle of a playground, crying. There many other children were ganging around him, punching him with their arms and kicking him with feet which were enveloped in mysterious blue orbs. The children were sniggering, nearby there was the sound of a bell; then even more children emerging from the doors that were nearby. They too started to join in the torment of the young boy. Soon it seemed that the entire school was attacking the defenceless boy. A couple of seconds later, the loud cracking of the boys bones resulted in whimpering cries for help, for someone, anyone to stop this torment. Meanwhile a group of teachers passed by ignoring the injured child, a couple of the teachers even paused to cheer the children on. Then all of a sudden the gang stopped and took a few steps away from what was left of the destroyed boy. Now that I had a better view, I could see that his arms and legs were completely annihilated, many teeth were knocked out, and his ribs looked badly damaged as well. Then out from the crowd came a purple haired boy, a cruel and heartless smirk filling his face, followed by a messy brown haired boy, who seemed to want to stop whatever the former had in mind. An argument broke out before the latter was pulled away by the crowd leaving the purple haired boy to commit whatever his sadistic mind had come up with. The pit of my stomach filled with dread as the purple haired boy stepped closer to the wounded boy. He stepped into the pool of blood as if it were plain water surrounding his victim to be. The purple hair child’s shoes made splashing sounds as he strode towards the injured child. He smirked just seconds before lifting his fist, the orb that surrounded it igniting. He made one quick movement, and it was clear that his attack was t- to... crack open the... young boys... h-h-head. As his flaming fist came within millimetres of its target...I screamed for the purple haired boy to stop this madness when.

    My POV
    “WAAH!” I gasped as I woke up with a start. I took a look around, there was no blood, no playground, and no evil sniggering mob of evil looking children. I looked at my bed side table, where I kept the pokéballs of my best friend. The first was a half white and half red ball; this contained my first Pokémon, a Turtwig. The second was entirely red bed that contained a Pokémon that was sent to me by mail, the letter something about being a mystery gift. The third was empty, for now that is. Any way I took a look at the alarm clock on my bed side table it read: 7:30 A.M. I was going to be late for the first day back to school! After rushing into my school uniform, it was a sport uniform because we have every subject every day, the uniform was a comfortable shirt that was short sleeved, the trousers were also very comfortable, they were a dark nay blue with a yellow strip on each shin that pointed inwards . I left my room and headed energetically to the kitchen, there my mum had left a note on the table that said the following: Gone to the day-care early. Your father’s in his study if you need anything before you go to school.
    “Okay then I’ll just get myself some breakfast and ask dad to drop me off on one island and…..” I thought before blacking out. The next thing I saw was my turtwig looking worriedly at me. I took a better look to see that my dad was sitting near my bed doing some paper work to pass the time. When I opened my eyes properly, turtwig looked overjoyed and began to nuzzle me lovingly. My dad looked relieved, like he just dropped a forty kilogram bag off his back, and said “it’s lucky we had that stock of rawst berries. The doctor came round a couple of hours ago and said that you only had a fever.”
    “O…okay” I said weakly “wait, a couple of hours ago? That means I’m going to be late for school!”
    “Don’t worry, don’t worry! We spoke to the principle and they said it was alright we just needed a doctor’s certificate to prove you were sick.” he said and hastily added “and before you ask, yes I did get the certificate”
    With that out of the way I tried getting up, but my father commented “The doctor said you should stay in bed for the rest of the day and eat some Rawst berries just to be safe. If you feel good tomorrow you can go to school.” This was alright I still had Turtwig with me, it wouldn’t that bad. Or would it? Probably not that bad.
    Somewhere else…..( the previous day)

    “You will listen and obey every school rule. Function like every other student, and most importantly.. You WILL not mention anything about this meeting!” rang the strict voice from behind the desk, which belonged to the deputy principle.

    “Y..Y…Yes sir” said a faint voice overcome with fear.

    “Excellent” he said in a less harsh tone. “Your uniform is outside in the box, your books will be next it and don’t forget to get your gloves that are under the box. And no you can’t wear them on the way home.” said the deputy.

    “Y..Y...yes sir!” said a voice that seemed completely made from fear. Gratefully the raven haired boy scampered out of the room, picked up what was left for him outside the spacious office. He then exited the building, and was welcomed out by a great hug/tackle by his partner, Pichu, handed the cloths and books to his brother’s charizard who placed them in a bag that was hung from its neck. He flew off in a northern direction, the boy shivered and wished he had worn more than a his summer cloths, though true it was summer but at over 10 kilometres in the air it was impossible to tell when was the last time you felt warm. His thin cloths waving wildly in the strength of the wind, his yellow T-shirt with an orange line that went over the left shoulder, and his jeans shorts that only reached bellow his knees, where really making feel like a human popsicle, even while on char izard, the Pokémon was flying so quickly that there was more wind in his face than there was heat emanating from the dragon’s body. Then a sight made the freezing young boy smile with great happiness, his home town was there below him, Pallet. His first move, after the dragon landed next to the village square, was to return the giant dragon into its pokéball which, the boy’s eldest sibling loaned him for the occasion. He then set off in easterly direction until he reached a familiar sight, his home. The large white boarded house was the home of four blood relatives, Mrs. Delia Ketchum the mother of her three children, Reggie, the eldest brother one who always watches out for everyone in the village, many villagers joke that he is going to be the next village elder because of his neutrality in everything. Next is Yellow, she is pretty much a happy girl who is always taking care of her family, though she does wish her family didn’t have such bad luck. Lastly comes the raven haired boy we’ve been following, Ash Ketchum. He is at the age of seven, a cheery and supportive child who doesn’t give up, ever, that might change though.

    The next day....

    Third person POV (I’m home sick remember?):

    There was the grand building that he exited a mere twelve hours ago, there were four towers that made the school resemble a castle, yet it seemed that these towers were there so that the inner area of the school could be seen clearly, but from the height of the towers this excuse seemed feeble. There many windows in the towers, these seemed to be for the many, many class rooms. There were giant walls that connected the four towers these had windows as well, so they must also have class rooms. The sea breeze blew the four flags that stood in front of the entrance. As the Ash walked through the entrance with his back pack on his back (obviously) he walked nervously through to the. He looked around and saw many children playing tag having races, discussing what happened to them over the holidays. In the middle of the frighteningly large playground was a map of the school, to the north west was the Kanto tower, to the north east was the Johto tower, to the south east was the hoenn tower and last but not least the Sinnoh Tower.
    After finishing reading the map Ash realised that the playground was significantly emptier, he decided to hurry before he became late so he started to run. When he reached the tower the entrance seemed very welcoming, a sign with the word Kanto written in bold capital. Ash opened the door by the gigantic round handle he then saw that in side was a spiralling stair case, leading all the way towards the top of the tower, the young boy felt miniscule and insignificant from the sheer height if the building and it seemed a lot taller from the inside. He heard the buzz of students, young and old running along heading to their designated classrooms, Ash pulled out a folded piece of paper handed to him by the deputy the previous day, Room 5, it read but before he could read it properly, the note was knocked out of his hands by a group of kids around his age running to get to class on time. He picked himself up and grabbed the remanets of his paper, it was unreadable, and in dismay Ash scrapped his memory for what the paper had read. Nothing, zilch, zero, nil, he couldn’t remember, just great, now he would get in trouble and it wasn’t even Recess, then someone walked up from behind and asked “ Are you lost?”. Looking up Ash saw a messy brown haired boy, he seemed familiar, but Ash couldn’t put his finger on it. “I said: are you lost?” this snapped Ash back to reality,

    “Y-yeah, the paper with the classroom I have to go got, kinda destroyed.” Replied Ash Rubbing the back of his head

    “Well, If you like I can help you with that” said the Boy grinning he seemed as if he was waiting for an opportunity to say that line.

    “I guess so, but how will you find out?” replied Ash with a puzzled look on his face.

    “Well, according to the chart over there” he said pointing at a chart that was posted on a nearby pillar, with one hand while the other remained in his pocket. “Rooms are based of locations in Kanto, so the first question should be, where do you live?”

    “Pallet Town” Replied a perplexed Ash

    “Hmm. According to’re in room 5. What a sec, that the same room I go to! looks like we’re in the same class.” Said Gary carefully reading the chart.

    “Wow, Thanks for that....”

    “Gary, Gary Oak” said Gary finishing Ash’s sentence for him “what’s your name?” he added

    “Ash, Ash Ketchum” replied Ash proudly.

    “Well we better get to class before we’re late!” said Gary playfully

    “Gah! Your right! Lets hurry!” and with that the two new found friends ran off to classroom 5 to which they were welcomed by a stern glare by their teacher, Ms. Luca, for being late on the first day of school. She was less agitated at them when she heard that Gary was merely trying to help a new student find their way around.
    After a long lesson about the history of the pokéball, which was only made worse to Ash as the rest of the class had done this the previous year, and had to study this again. The one thing about this study that fascinated Ash was the part that the teacher had explained as a “to be touched on later” section. In less broad terms the fact that some special pokéballs reacted to the users aura, hence forth making a thief feel pretty stupid if they were to steal it as it wouldn’t release the Pokémon.
    Soon it was recess and everyone rushed out the door to get their food out of their bags. Ash left after grabbing half a sandwich, leaving the other half in his otherwise empty lunchbox. Nobody noticed his small lunch as they were all busy catching up with friends, talking about what they did over the holidays. Some went to foreign regions, others stayed home and played with the Pokémon and family. Gary on the other hand was bragging to the mob of first, second and kindergarteners, about how his Family all accomplished great many things, such as climbing a giant mountain, discovering a new species of Pokémon, going on a camping trip and capturing almost every single Pokémon within before releasing them all again. Ash just sat down nearby listening in silence while eating his half a sandwhich. Soon Gary finished talking and Ash was barely half way through his food, Gary came over and sat next to Ash, Out of the blue Ash asked “So... uhh what Pokémon do you have? It’s gotta be very strong if it helped you out like it did in your stories”

    Gary was surprised since no one would ask him; he grinned and said “well since you asked nicely I’ll show you him in the daycare.”

    “Day care?” Asked Ash puzzled

    “yeah the daycare, the school rules say that no Pokémon are allowed out of their pokéballs or even on school grounds so no problems are caused, so everyone has to drop off their Pokémon at the day care and pick them up at the end of the day.” Explained Gary
    “uh-oh” said Ash “ I still have my Pichu in its Pokéball!”

    “let’s go drop it off before you get in trouble” offered Gary “I’ll show the way since
    your still new here”
    “Really? Thanks a lot Gary!” Said a happy Ash

    “Well let’s go!” announced Gary
    So the two friends headed to the day care which was right next to the entrance, (A/N how Ash missed that even I don’t know), but just as they were exiting the playground a yellow blur rushed past them, barely missing Gary. Ash on the other hand wasn’t so lucky, about a metre away they saw a kid rubbing the arm he landed on, and he had blond hair orange eyes and was glaring at Ash for getting in the way of his running. He got up and noticed Ash’s half eaten sandwich on the ground and his expression changed to a sympathetic one, he then helped Ash recover from the collision. After helping ash get up and pat the dust off his uniform, and said “Sorry about that, I should have looked where I was going, my names Barry, sorry about your sandwich”

    “well nice to meet you” said Gary

    “my..” began Ash

    “don’t tell me your” Barry and Gary said in unison

    “MY-“ continued Ash

    “Gonna cry?” they finished

    “ACHOO! Sandwich” finished Ash rubbing under his nose

    “Okaaay, well we better get going right Ash?” said Gary

    “where are you off to?” Asked Barry

    “Day care, Ashy here forgo to drop off his Pichu” Replied Gary

    “GAH! I knew I forgot something, Can I go with you? I have to drop off my prinplup””

    “Sure why not, and by the way, what tower are you from? I’ve never seen you around the Kanto Tower so you’re probably not from there” Said Gary

    “you’re right there, I’m from the Sinnoh Tower” he said rubbing under his nose with pride

    “uhh you guys,” interrupted Ash

    “yeah” the both said in unison

    “isn’t the bell gonna ring in ten minutes?” asked Ask

    “Gah! You’re right! Let’s run for it!” then the three friends ran off towards the Day
    care. Ash and Barry dropped off their Pokémon and Gary showed them his, a Wartortle, “My grandfather gave me him when I was three. We’ve been best friends ever since” explained Gary. “woah” came the astonished voices of his two new friends. Soon the bell rang and the three friends ran off to class, promising to meet during the lunch break, Gary and Ash running off to the Kanto tower, and Barry Running at full pelt, naturally, towards the Sinnoh tower. Gary and Ash entered the Class room and quickly sat down in their seats and got their books ready. Soon the teacher came in and said “Class we’re going to have Physical education for the rest of the day” this was replied by a puzzled look from the rest of the class. She then added “P.E.?” which was returned with a loud cheer from the class. “Everyone quiet down” she calmly said “ you are all to line up in two lines boys to the left girls to the right” Soon all of the class inside room 5 were standing impatiently outside awaiting the exciting activities the subject always promised.

    Nour386: soo what do ya think?
    Ash: it seems a bit blocky
    Nour386: shut up
    Ash: b-b-bu-but why?
    Nour386: I don’t know, it's the copy paste doesn't copy the lines made by the enter key
    Last edited by Nour386; 10th September 2011 at 12:48 AM.

  2. #2
    Yun is offline
    Hear the Roar of Thunder Yun's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Aura Zero

    Hmm, the text is a liiiiiittle blocky, but very good nonetheless ^^ Great work, keep it up! =D

  3. #3
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
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    Default Re: The Aura Zero

    Chapter 2

    Nour386: Woohoo! Chapter 2!
    Ash: * unenthusiastic* Yay!
    Nour386: awww what’s the matter?
    Ash: I have a bad felling about this chapter
    Nour386: that you should! Here we go! I don’t own Pokémon
    Ash: wait- WHAT?
    “Got you. Ya thieving piece of crap!” yelled a purpled haired boy in an obviously angry voice
    “I told you I didn’t do it!” replied the fear filled voice of Ash
    “Oh yeah? Well I have witnesses that say that they saw you do it!” he said in matter of fact voice
    “That’s only because-“Ash tried to replied but was cut short by a punch to the face
    “Be quiet! Now give it back or accept the consequences!” said the purple haired boy cracking his knuckles.

    Nour386: okay that was probably confusing, maybe I should take us back a few hours so you know what’s going on?
    Ash: OW, wait, you mean I’ll get punched again?
    Nour386: YUP! Okay Celebi! Take it away!

    “yawn, oh, hey turtwig.” I said sleepily “Don’t worry, I’m YAWN, much better.”
    Turtwig looked questionable, he had a look in his eye that said “Are sure master? Maybe one more day?”

    “Turtwig, I missed one day and if I miss another, I doubt Mrs Cario would be that happy if I skipped again.” I replied

    “turt-turtwig!” said the green turtle *Okay let’s go!*

    I quickly changed into my school uniform, I decided to where my pokébelt to hold my pokéballs. I put Turtwig’s ball in one of the rings on the belt, and I grabbed the mystery gift ball and put it in my belt as well. With these I headed to the kitchen, where per usual my mother left a note that said she was at the daycare. Gah! The Daycare I totally forgot! I was supposed to do the daily check up! I quickly gulped down a sandwich and ran out the door to the Daycare next to the house. Okay I will admit that working in the daycare is a bit tiresome, the Pokémon are nearly always complaining about someone stealing their food, which was the case when I arrived at the daycare.

    There was a huge buzz of noise coming from the Pokémon arguing. With the help of Turtwig we got everyone to quiet down, so from what I could understand, while my mum set up the food the Pokémon were ushered out, he laid out the food and let it cool. After this my mum called all the Pokémon back in only to find that most of the food was missing, and the one who footed the blame was a greedy Ghastly, but I thought otherwise. I took a look the missing food, Most of the missing food was the water type and physic, this was curious since the Ghastly in question hated the taste of these kinds of food. The Pokémon sat in anxious wait when suddenly, “GOTCHA!” I yelled pointing at the group of Starmie and Staryu sitting nearby looking tired and unable to move.

    “How are you so sure?” asked my mum looking at me “I can understand your suspicion but how can you prove it?”

    “Maybe this will help” I replied, “let’s say that most of the food wasn’t eaten out of greed, but out of the numbers!”

    “That is a good point, but how do you think the Pokémon who ate the food got in?” she inquired

    “Easy, remember how the trainers of the Starmie and Staryu said they all know Camouflage?” I asked

    “Yes, in fact they even said it took them a long time to get them all to learn it” she said starting to understand what I was seeing “but that still doesn’t mean that the Ghastly is off the hook, I mean it could have gone through the walls”

    “Of course but you said you ushered it out, I think you’d notice if it or any other Pokémon was in the room, because of that, what if the Pokémon were invisible?” I said

    “Invisible? Oh! Camouflage!” said my mum in agreement

    “Exactly!” I said “If Ghastly really did eat all that food then you would have seen it in the first place!”

    “That answers everything, sorry about blaming you Ghastly, and as for you” said my mum Directing the last comment to the starfish Pokémon “owe everyone an apology and since you ate so much I don’t expect you’ll have enough room for dinner.”

    After this affair Turtwig and I ran off to my dad’s study to ask him if I could use his Togikiss to get to school. With that I returned Turtwig to his Pokéball, I sent Togekiss out of its ball and jumped on “To one island” I told it. As a result we were flying high in the sky and Twinleaf town was nothing but a speck in the distance behind us, and the Castle like school was growing in front of us. I lied down on Togekiss’ back and looked around other student were also flying to school from Sinnoh, some on Honchkrow others on Staraptor, other students arrived at school on water type Pokémon, Empoleon, Lapras, Gyrados and the like. Soon the school was in walking distance, so I told Togekiss to land in a nearby Village. After landing gracefully I returned Togekiss to its Pokéball and headed off in the direction of the castle.

    At the castle I was welcomed by Barry running into me, “Ow” I remarked before falling to the ground with Barry on top of my with an expression of surprise on his face. After picking ourselves up and patting the dust from our uniforms he looked at me as if he was both angry and wondering who I was. “We live in the same town” I hinted

    “uhh” he said thinking

    “My parents run the daycare?” I added oping that he would remember

    “Nope I got nothing” said Barry rubbing the back of his head

    “uggh” I said as I face palmed from his stupidity “Nour! The name is Nour! How could you forget me? I almost pushed you down the stairs remember?” I said not finding his memory loss amusing

    “Oh! That was you?” he asked with questionable look on his face

    “I told you almost Paul pushed me into you for some reason to frame me” I replied

    “Paul? Oh you mean the strongest battler in the Sinnoh tower?” he said questionably

    “Well that Paul, but he isn’t the best” I said

    “If that’s true then who’s stronger?” he said irritably

    “You for a start” I said

    “W-Well” he said blushing while rubbing the back of his head

    “And for another-wait a second where’s my hat?” I said looking around

    “Hey you’re right it’s almost impossible to tell who you are without your hat” he remarked

    “Thanks I guess?” I said looking around in panic

    Barry and I set off in search of my lost hat, in case you were wondering I where my hat all the time no matter what. In many cases it’s impossible for people to recognise me without my hat, since I’m the only one who where’s the school hat. We eventually found the hat on a rock near the beach, but just as we were about to grab it the thing the wind picked up and blow it high in the sky. Barry and I sat there in silence as we helplessly watched my beloved hat fly further further away, when suddenly a charizard, by pure coincidence caught it in its hand. The giant orange dragon looked at the piece of cloth in its hand and suddenly noticed Barry and me. It immediately began to fly in our direction, I looked at the dragon It didn’t look wild, and didn’t seem to mean any harm, so why do I feel so uneasy? Probably from Barry clutching my arm uncomfortably tight.

    Soon the great dragon Landed in the ground nearby with a loud roar, which was swift followed by a boy around our age, carefully climbing off the back of the Charizard. He quickly returned the Charizard and picked up the hat from where its claw used to be its claws and handed it to us. Just as I was about to take it out of his hands Barry blurted out “Ash... I never knew you had a Charizard!” .After this statement the boy looked up to reveal look of worry on his face, it didn’t seem to fit him. His cheeks had zigzags on them he seemed, somehow afraid of the information Barry and I received

    “What’s the matter?” I asked putting my hat on my head, where it rightfully belonged

    “Please don’t tell anyone about this Chaizard” the boy named Ash pleaded looking at the dragons pokéball in his hand

    “But why?” Barry and I said in unison

    “Because this is my Brother’s Charizard, I told him I wouldn’t use him in battle, and everyone found out that Charizard is with me...” he said

    “everyone will want to battle you, meaning it won’t be able to take you home.” I finished for him

    “Not only that, but I gave Reggie my word, I don’t want him to lose his trust in me” he said

    “No worries!” Barry and I Said yet again in unison “Your secret is safe with us!”

    “Phew, you guys don’t know how much this means to me, by the way what’s your name? I know Barry because we literally bumped into each other yesterday, but what’s your name?” he asked

    “Nour” I replied

    “Hmm, Nour, Got it” Ash said “Say do either of you know when the bell ring?”

    There was a pause; we looked at each other before we said in unison “Gah! We’re gonna be late!”

    With that three of us ran off towards the Castle like school, Ash still wanted to marvel at the grand gate, but Barry and I pulled him away towards the school Daycare. The three of us dropped off our Pokémon, Barry with his Prinplup, Ash’s Pichu and Charizard, and my Turtwig and Mystery gift Pokémon. As the three of us were going to leave we run into none other than Gary Oak, “Hello Gary” said Ash who gave us a nervous glance. “Hello Ash hey can you wait up for me? I just need to drop off my Wartortle, I’ll be quick.” Promised Gary. So Ash waited for Gary at the day care door, as for Barry and me, we had to run as fast as our legs could carry us, Class room 201 was farther away from the daycare than the Kanto tower, especially since it was in one of the connecting walls, specifically the wall connecting Sinnoh to Kanto.

    Soon Barry and I were panting but could see our class in front of the classroom this meant we weren’t late. We joined the end of the line and waited for our teacher, Mrs Ship, to call us into the classroom. Even though we both made it on time that didn’t mean it would mean we wouldn’t get yelled at, not by our teacher, but by our class mate, Dawn Hikari, boy does she nag.

    “Why are you two so late? Hmm?” She asked “and you, where were you yesterday?”

    “Well what’s it to you?” I said both defensively and before Barry would accidently give
    a hint about Ash.

    “I’m Class captain! I should be allowed to know where everyone is, because if you get hurt it would be my responsibility.” She said Glowing with pride

    “Uhh you do know that you’re not responsible until class starts right?” asked Barry

    “Well, uhh bu- Fine! I wanted to know because I was worried” said Dawn broken realizing that she was found out

    “Well since you meant well..” I began before catching Barry’s eye and giving him a look that made him remember the promise “Barry and I bumped into each other on the way, then I lost my hat and we went to find it” I finished off

    “All true! I was there every step of the way!” Agreed Barry.

    “And yesterday?” She said questioningly.

    “I got a fever and passed out, I think it was from a burn, I guess that will-o-wisp was really aiming for me.” I said

    “Okay, but where’s everybody else?” asked Dawn

    “We are only a four person class you know that right? The only person missing is Lucas” I said

    “Well that was the case last year” Said a new voice causing all three of us to turn around in surprise

    “Lucas!” We all said happy to see the young prince of Sinnoh

    “How are you guys?” he asked taking off his backpack and placing it on the floor to rest his shoulders

    “Great! Though I wish all the customers would stop bringing in so many poison type Pokmon, my parents are running out of antidotes” I said shuddering at the painful memories.

    “Ouch, sounds painful” Said Lucas “How about you two?” he asked direction the question to Dawn and Barry

    “Well I went to watch my Mum compete in the Sinnoh grand Festival” Boasted Dawn

    “But, she lost on the final round” she added gloomily

    “heh, I guess that was really upsetting for her” said Lucas sympathetically

    “Don’t worry!” Said Dawn waving her hand to dismiss the subject “My mum won the Grand Festival Three times already, she said that she was only doing it for fun.”

    “Well it sounds like she enjoyed herself” Said Lucas “How about you Barry? You’ve unusually quiet”

    “Well I was only listening to what everyone had to say” said Barry Defensively “But I did get have a battle in my father’s Battle Tower , and I won” he added triumphantly

    “Well I got to visit Hoenn with both of my parents” Said Lucas in way that showed he wasn’t showing off his trip but showing that he incredibly enjoyed it

    “You must have been very happy, how was the trip?” said Dawn as she absent mindedly adjusted her hair clips.

    “It was pretty cool, I got see a lot of new Pokémon, though some seemed to appear in Sinnoh as well.” Said Lucas who also absent mindedly put his bag back on while waiting for the teacher.

    “Isn’t this lovely” Came a harsh and unwelcomed voice

    “Oh no, no no no. You’re in the Hearthrome City Classroom what are you doing here?” I said as I regrettably turned my head to see the hideously evil grin of that purple haired monster they called a Trainer, Paul Shinji.

    Nour386: Okay let’s end it here, with a cliff hanger
    Ash: Wait…. What happened to the intro?
    Nour386: All in good time, all in good time. heh heh heh
    Ash: I have a bad feeling about this

  4. #4
    Also Known As BB ^.^ British Banette's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Aura Zero

    Wow! their amazing!

  5. #5
    Charizard fur MegaCharr's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: The Aura Zero

    i just read ch. 2...and im impressed, keep it up...and see..other people like it too ^^^...keep up the good work

  6. #6
    The one and only! :3 Samwin's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Aura Zero

    very interesting so far. could u let me know when the next chapter is up please? :D
    "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."

    Arthur Conan Doyle

  7. #7
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    home is where the heart is and my heart is in both me home land and Australia. what is my home land? Lebanon you dope. couldn't you guess from the arabic name?
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    Default Re: The Aura Zero

    Nour386:Look everyone! I'm going to have put this on hold for a week exams and all
    Ash: Phew! no more pain for week
    Nour386: and to apologize I will not only break Ash's arm in the story but in real life too!
    Ash: whaaaaa-OOOOOOOOOWWWWWW
    Nour386: MEDIC!

  8. #8
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: The Aura Zero

    Okay I was able to notice a lot of quirks starting with the very first paragraph. Said paragraph was more like a blog of text than a paragraph itself I got lost a few times. Not just that but you were missing a lot of description the boy's arms and legs were annihilated doesn't count you have to describe how badly they were the blood and everything. Also if unless your character is yourself (which I don't recommend) then don't say my dream or my POV say your character's name instead of my I know you mean that it's the main character talking but when you put "my" it sounds as if you're referencing yourselves. Anyway this paragraph should've been split into various paragraphs and it needed more description.

    The second paragraph. This one has the same problems as the first, it's just as big maybe a little shorter but alas it's still the same problem. There's a phrase called "show don't tell" here you tell us that he grabbed his uniform and that it felt comfortable you have to describe it, what colors are they and what makes them so comfortable. You could've given a brief description of the room as well and his house for that matter it just seemed like everything moved too fast and once more you didn't explore on what your character felts when he fainted. You didn't give us a description of his dad either or himself for that matter.

    “O…okay,” I said weakly.Wait. A couple of hours ago? That means I’m going to be late for school!”
    “Don’t worry, don’t worry! We spoke to the principal and they said it was alright we just needed a doctor’s certificate to prove you were sick,” he said reassuringly before hastily adding. “And yes I did get the certificate.
    Well since this is something I can't put in bold then I'll just saying but three lines two different paragraphs when your character talks and when his dad talks should be split into to. Anyway in bold I marked the things that needed changing. Whenever your character is going to speak again you have to pot a period and start another sentence. You also had the wrong punctuation marks in the quotes and there were some that didn't have any you use a period when the character is doing an action that doesn't rely on speaking like said, replied, pointed out, answered or spoke for example other words like frowned, shrugged and sighed could be use if combined with other words like frowned in annoyance, shrugged with indifference or sighed in frustration.

    With that out of the way I tried getting up; only for my father to interrupt. “The doctor said that you should stay in bed for the rest of the day and eat some Rawst berries just to be safe. If you feel good tomorrow you can go to school.” This was all right. I knew that with Turtwig by my side it wouldn't be as bad. Or would it? Probably not that bad. (This sentence isn't necessary)
    In this one I fixed the first sentence which needed a semicolon and to fix the sentence about his father interrupting this way it doesn't look as sudden. In the second sentence I put that because he's repeating what the doctor said while this doesn't really apply it make its sound and look better. For the fourth sentence you had to put a period and start a new one and the fifth sentence sounds better this way than before, also like I pointed out the "Or would it?" part isn't really necessary.

    Now for the deputy part first of all I'm gonna imagine that where you're from the word principal is used as principle so I'm not gonna keep correcting that. Second no description, the closest thing to description here is the large desk. There's no description of the deputy or the boy for that matter; also I find it very hard that a principal could speak to someone like that in real life without getting parents all up on him it just seems like something that happens in a cartoon so you should probably tone it down a little.

    So in the paragraph after that you finally give us a description of appearance. However it seems like the only punctuation you're actually using is comma when you should've used some periods as well. Also the whole paragraph seems more like you're just listing the things he's doing instead of describing them and everything moves too quickly. Another problem and this is one that even I show at times is that you deviate from the description or what little description you give I mean stopping to describe Delia's three children when they haven't been introduced seems to be moving to quick you can say the names of her children but don't point out their features until they actually appear.

    Going back to the Ketchum thing...well this is touching dangerous territory and it kind of leaves things unnanswered as to what universe your fic takes in. Not just that but it seems like you just put a lot of the main characters from the anime and manga together that doesn't really help much unless you do it right trust me I know from experience.

    And then you suddenly skip to the next

    Third person POV (I’m home sick remember?):
    That's funny because judging from the last two paragraphs it seems like it was already in third. Also remove the I'm homesick remember? part it's really unnecessary.

    As the Ash walked through the entrance with his back pack on his back (obviously) he walked nervously through to the. He looked around and saw many children playing tag having races, discussing what happened to them over the holidays
    Oh boy so Ash really is a character then you better do it right. Anyway "the Ash" I'm not going to point that out I think you should be able to see the mistake on your own. Also the thing about the backpack don't break the fourth wall with a sarcastic comment yes he's carrying it in his back but you still have to point it out breaking the fourth wall to point it out like that just makes it seem annoying.

    Also description, describe the park the school the kids and how they're acting. Also describe Ash even if we know what he (probably he's seven right?) looks like you still have to describe him that's one of the milestones of writing.

    He picked himself up and grabbed the remnants
    There's the clear up. Also another block that should be split into multiple paragraphs. Especially when that kid started talking to Ash that's a new paragraph.

    And now this is turning out to look like an academy with all the characters the an academy writer myself (though my characters are OC) I can tell you that (and this is from what I know till now) I can predict what's going to happen the characters the events the plot itself now you can either play things out like the scenario that's on my head or put original touches if it's really going to be an academy set up then think about what you're going to do twice before you do it and make sure to give your characters more depth.

    Now for the class itself again moved too quickly, didn't give description about what's going on and also. Explain what Aura is, we know but there might be people that won't know so you still have to explain it at some point.

    The word Gary Stu comes to mind when Gary is "explaining" things this is to be expected from Gary but you shouldn't do what's to be expected. Also "great many things" pick one of the two not both.

    Gary gave him a look of surprised as if he was waiting for someone to ask him that.Well since you asked nicely I’ll show him to you when we're in the daycare.”
    “Day care?” Asked Ash with a puzzled look.
    Yeah the daycare. The school rules say that no Pokémon are allowed out of their pokéballs nor school grounds so no problems are caused. So everyone has to drop off their Pokémon at the day care and pick them up at the end of the day.” Explained Gary
    Uh-oh,” said Ash. “ I still have my Pichu in its Pokéball!”
    Let’s go drop it off before you get in trouble,” offered Gary. “I’ll show you the way since you're still new here.”

    Self explanatory.

    “Really? Thanks a lot Gary!” Said Ash happily
    So the two friends headed to the day care which was right next to the entrance, (A/N how Ash missed that even I don’t know),
    Description. Description. Description. Also once more don't break the fourth wall like that.

    I'm gonna kill all the birds with one stone for the next paragraph.

    Well nice to meet you” said Gary.

    My..” began Ash

    Don’t tell me your” Barry and Gary said in unison.

    “MY-“ continued Ash.

    “Gonna cry?” they finished.

    “ACHOO! Sandwich” finished Ash rubbing under his nose.

    “Okaaay, well we better get going right Ash?” said Gary (period)

    Where are you off to?” Asked Barry.

    The day care. Ashy here forgot to drop off his Pichu,” Replied Gary (period)

    “GAH! I knew I forgot something. Can I go with you? I have to drop off my prinplup”" (the second quotation at the end should be removed)
    I'm not going to say anything about the other sentences because they're not much different. Punctuation, description characterization. Everything in that paragraph seemed to be like a scrip there was nothing but simple words like said, asked, replied and stuff like that. Not just that but half the sentences are practically useless and stuff that could be done quickly rather than be dragged out.

    Also if the copy paste doesn't put the lines then do four spaces instead of two that way when you copy paste it it will be double spaced.

    All right things to work on. Description if this chapter had 20% of description then it was a miracle. You don't describe the surroundings nor do you describe your character's feelings or appearances.

    Spell check: Simple as that.

    Punctuation: Some paragraphs have the wrong punctuation others don't have punctuation at all.

    Flow: The flow of your story is interrupted a lot of times and that's not counting the times when you unnecessarily break the fourth wall.

    Characterization: Need I say more. Your characters are bland as bland can get, they have no emotion in them even if they're young they should have some emotion. They're simple and have no deepness in them or something that separates them. Not just that but Ash seemed a lot different from what you first described him to be, he didn't seem confident or anything during the latter part of the chapter.

    And that was the first chapter I'll probably read the second today or tomorrow.

    Sorry if this review sounded kind of harsh, but you have a lot of things to work on and things that had to be pointed out quickly. This will help you more than review that tell you that it's good without anything more to it. Besides I gave you a long and well thought out review usually with stories like this I either don't review at all or I give a small review of what they have to work on.

    I also think that you should work your plot out more because, I can't exactly see what the plot might be, even if it's the first chapter but still so far it only seems to be an academy setting with characters from the games, anime and manga bunched up together and that ain't good.


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