Ash's Greatest Journey

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  1. #1
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    Default Ash's Greatest Journey

    Hi, it's me. this is my first thread. Blazevoir, I want you to read this. I promise, in this story, NO BANANA JOKES!

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    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    So where's the first episode of said story?
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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    Chapter One



    "You'll never stop us now!", yelled Jessie."We have the world's greatest treasure! Behold, the Action Replay!" Brock gasped. Dawn yelled, "Oh,no!" But Ash yelled, "You're not gonna get away with this! Pikachu, use Iron Tail but channel a Thunderbolt through your tail when it hits!" "Piplup, do the same thing with Peck and BubbleBeam!" "Croagunk, do it with Poison Jab and Sludge Bomb!"
    The Action Replay exploded, but due to the sheer force of the explosion all of them went blasting off, but in opposite directions. Our heroes landed in a strange place with only trees. "What is this place?", asked Ash. "I-I think I've heard of this place before," stammered Dawn. "We're in the M-m-mystery Zone!"

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    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    First of all, it's way too short. As a general rule of thumb, it should be at least 1-2 pages on MS Word.

    Second of all, where's the description? You know that we probably know what Ash and co. and the Pokemon look like, but suppose someone unfamiliar with Pokemon read this--how would you describe them to this hypothetical non-Pokemon fan?

    Third of all, what is an AR doing in the story when ARs (to my knowledge) do not exist in the Pokeworld? How did it get there, how did Team Rocket find it, what does it look like, what does the Mystery Zone look like, what can it do in the wrong hands? Do Ash and co. have to save the world (again)?

    In short, this has a long ways to go before it can be called a story.
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

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    The Woman of Your Dreams ArceusAngel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    Quote Originally Posted by weavile461 View Post
    Chapter One



    "You'll never stop us now!", yelled Jessie."We have the world's greatest treasure! Behold, the Action Replay!" Brock gasped. Dawn yelled, "Oh,no!" But Ash yelled, "You're not gonna get away with this! Pikachu, use Iron Tail but channel a Thunderbolt through your tail when it hits!" "Piplup, do the same thing with Peck and BubbleBeam!" "Croagunk, do it with Poison Jab and Sludge Bomb!"
    The Action Replay exploded, but due to the sheer force of the explosion all of them went blasting off, but in opposite directions. Our heroes landed in a strange place with only trees. "What is this place?", asked Ash. "I-I think I've heard of this place before," stammered Dawn. "We're in the M-m-mystery Zone!"
    Should be longer! :) I love the title though, I saw it and right away wanted to read...just write more, ya know?

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    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    Quote Originally Posted by LightningTopaz View Post
    First of all, it's way too short. As a general rule of thumb, it should be at least 1-2 pages on MS Word.

    That's not true, by the way. Fics of this length are fine if they're functional in that length.

    But this isn't. We're thrown willy-nilly into a scenario that COULD work if given some story to it, but that's all missing. There's no formatting--multiple people speak in the same paragraph and we're not told who's talking even though it's the first part, or who all is even there (do we just ASSUME that Brock is there because there's a Croagunk? It could be Looker for all we know, or someone brand new).

    And not to mention that the first post in the thread was basically "I'm going to post a fic in this thread". Yeah, no. Post the fic in the first post of the thread.

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    Default Chapter 2

    Chapter 2



    "The Mystery Zone!", Ash exclaimed. "What's that?!" "It's a place that exists outside the world. It can only be accessed with an Action Replay. Once you go too far, you can't go back. If you go even further, you get to a place where time is frozen, even for you," explained Dawn.
    "Wait, what's that?" cried Ash. "It looks like a-a-a-a gym! I'm goin' in!"
    "Ash, don't!", screamed Dawn.
    "This is a really bad idea!", added Brock.
    But it was too late. Ash had gone in.

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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    Brock gasped before he commanded Croagunk. Quit being so critical!

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    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    How in the heck is that a chapter? It could easily be part of the previous or next part.

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    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    Should I lock this?
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  11. #11
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ash's Greatest Journey

    Hmm. We'll discuss it. Message me.

    As for you, Weavile, convince us to leave it open. Show us that you can take advice.

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