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Thread: All Hail Shadow!

  1. #1
    Ambitious Creator
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    Default All Hail Shadow!

    This story has been discontinued on behalf of multiple users.

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    Please lock or delete this thread when you can.
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    Last edited by Steelrush; 4th July 2012 at 08:48 PM.

  2. #2
    Creative Co-Author AlexK2013's Avatar
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    Default Re: All Hail Shadow!

    Wow, now this is intense!
    Check out my Beyblade site: http//:beyblademania.weebly.com

  3. #3

    Default Re: All Hail Shadow!

    Hmm, not bad, but I feel it could use a little more organization. It seems like all these characters were just thrown together into an unclear setting; I think you should explain where they are (a hospital on which planet?), how each particular race/individual got there, and why they're there. Also, winds don't blow in a building, and a hospital doesn't seem to be a suitable place for a meeting of legendary Pokemon.

    Additionally, Reed seems to contradict himself a bit. He's amused at the cannibalistic Niterishôseki race, but when they are actually described, he is repulsed. Lastly, I feel that the wording for this sentence could be better: "Reed cheered, giving out his mentally-disturbed giggle once again, before noticing a glass, amber-hued coffin sitting next to him." I think that the word "insane" would get across your meaning better (if I'm understanding correctly), and you may want to revise a few other sentences, you shouldn't have to use parentheses.

    It looks pretty good, just trying to help by giving suggestions.
    Last edited by Feralize; 14th June 2012 at 05:31 PM.

  4. #4
    sink. an illegible mess.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: All Hail Shadow!

    alright, like what feralize said, the organization in this isn't done well. firstly, i want to point out, why does this take place in a hospital? what exactly is this reed fellow? is he a sonic character, a human, a pokemon, or an entirely different species? what does reed look like? you give hardly any description, and are just TELLING the story and not SHOWING. the only description you gave the reader was of the alien and a bit of the hospital, but not much else.

    and... why do dialga, palkia, and arceus pop up all of a sudden? what was their purpose there? why was barry holding the chaos emerald, and where was he taking it? also, what does reed mean after he teleports to the jungle and says he can continue what he enjoys most in life?

    and ash is dead "again"? what does that mean? why is he alive in the coffin in the first place? this comes to another question; why did barry think that reed was dead? what happened? i'd love to see you elaborate on the past a bit; maybe make a prologue explaining the past a bit further, and adding bits and pieces as you go along after the prologue. if the reader doesn't get what's going on and has too many questions relating to the story, then they will not want to read it.

    oh, and at the end, instead of dragging out a long "NOOOOO" with extra exclamation marks, it's more proper if you italicize it, keep one exclamation mark, and tone down on the caps and extra o's. the extra !'s and o's and the caps make it look a little silly.

    anyway, this does sound interesting, i just want a little more explaining and description.
    Last edited by an illegible mess.; 14th June 2012 at 05:14 PM.

  5. #5
    My life is forbidden Serenity's Avatar Administrator
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    Default Re: All Hail Shadow!

    Honestly, this didn't make any sense at all. It just felt like a bunch of random ideas thrown together. Doesn't even seem like a real fic, but rather a place to put ideas.

    Who is Reed? Why is everything he does is "heee heee heee"?
    What on earth did you mean by "I won't let them take my thingy!"? Thingy isn't even a real word though I thought it was hilarious.
    Who are these aliens? Why are they here? Who are most of these characters? You can't expect your audience to know who these characters.

    all in all, it isn't horrible, but there can be a lot of improvement. Don't give up though. Use the suggestions given to you, and I'm sure it will be a great story in no time.

  6. #6
    Unova's #1 Yancy fan Seizon Senryaku's Avatar
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    Default Re: All Hail Shadow!

    Locked on request of OP...?
    The Atlantis Codex / Champion Game

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  7. #7
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: All Hail Shadow!

    @Steelrush; If you want this thread re-opened, just send a PM to one of the Writer's Workshop mods and we'll do that for you.

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