Alix's Johto Adventures
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  1. #1

    Default Alix's Johto Adventures

    This is my fanfic. It is about my Pokémon character Alix going through Johto, with a lot of strange but cool things happening. I have rated it PG for mild language and references to mild violence.

    Chapter 1:

    On October 16, 2004, Alix wakes up feeling great. The previous day, he had celebrated his 10th birthday, which meant that he could now become a Pokémon trainer! He had always loved Pokémon ever since he heard about them, and now he could be the proud owner of a lot of them! As soon as he woke up, he got dressed right away, had breakfast, said bye to his mom, and ran out the door right to Prof. Elm’s lab. He had also been really good friends with Prof. Elm since they met when Alix was only 4, so Elm was very happy to see Alix. The night before, Alix was having trouble deciding who to choose as his starter, but after some tough deciding, he decided to choose Cyndaquil as his starter, deeming it the coolest and best starter, after calculating the strengths and weaknesses of all 3 starters. When Elm welcomed Alix to his lab, Alix quickly chose Cyndaquil. Elm and Alix had a long chat, with Elm’s part of it mainly being explaining to Alix how to take care of his new Cyndaquil. As Alix was about to walk out the door of Elm’s lab, Elm got an e-mail from his good friend Mr. Pokémon. Mr. Pokémon said that he had discovered something remarkable. Therefore, Elm asked Alix to go to Mr. Pokémon’s house on Route 30. Alix gladly accepted the favour, and headed to Route 29.

    On Route 29, Alix trains up his Cyndaquil to level 10, when it learns Ember. As he’s heading to Cherrygrove City, a mysterious kid with red hair runs by him, and the kid is carrying a Poké Ball. As the kid runs by Alix, Alix asks the kid if he’s a trainer. The kid then turns around and makes an angry face at Alix.

    The two stare at each for a half minute, then the kid says “Totodile, come out!” Alix responds by telling Cyndaquil to battle. Cyndaquil uses SmokeScreen on Totodile, creating some smoke that makes it so Totodile can’t see anything around it. While Totodile is surrounded by the smoke, Cyndaquil uses a powerful Tackle attack, knocking Totodile into the very middle of Cherrygrove City, fainting it.

    Silver then re-calls Totodile, looks at its Poké Ball, says “Useless Pokémon,” and walks away.

    Alix then thinks in his mind, “That kid is heartless,” but then, he promises himself that he won’t think much of it after that.

    Once Alix gets to Cherrygrove City, his first stop is the Pokémon Center. After that, he goes to the Poké Mart to buy some Potions. After that, he’s all ready for Route 30, so he heads upwards. While on Route 30, he sees a Wurmple.

    He calls it “a cute little thing,” and to respond, the Wurmple starts to move all over Alix’s body. The Wurmple then asks if it can join Alix’s team, but Alix does not currently have any Poké Balls, and the Poké Marts are currently out of stock.

    So, Alix says “no,” but promises to come back for it when he gets some Poké Balls. The Wurmple then crawls back into its tree. Alix continues to head up to Mr. Pokémon’s house. However, as Alix is getting very close, a girl with blue hair and about his age comes up to him. She asks Alix if he battled a trainer with red hair, to which Alix responds “yes.”

    The girl then introduces herself as Kris, Prof. Elm’s granddaughter. She tells Alix that the trainer he battled stole his Totodile from Prof. Elm’s lab, to which Alix responds by saying “He’s a thief? Then, he’s a really bad person in my opinion.”

    Kris agrees with Alix’s opinion completely. She then tells Alix about how she wants to go on a journey, but that she can’t because she needs to help out her grandpa’s research. After this, the two agree to be friends, and Kris runs back to Prof. Elm’s lab to report about the red-haired trainer as Alix goes into Mr. Pokémon’s house.

    When Alix goes into the house, he sees Prof. Oak and Mr. Pokémon being held hostage by the red-haired trainer he met earlier. They are being forced to lay on the floor and put both of their hands on their heads. Silver is pointing his pointer finger at them, and uses his Totodile to hold them hostage, by threatening to have it bite them if they do not follow his orders. Alix then tells the trainer “Let them go!”

    The trainer responds by saying “Or what?”

    Alix then replies “If you do not let them go, I shall defeat your Totodile again! By the way, I know you stole that Totodile from Prof. Elm’s lab!”

    The trainer then replies “So what if I stole it? It’s weak anyway.”

    Alix replies by saying “I may have defeated it when you sent it out to battle my Cyndaquil, but that’s not because it’s weak. You’re heartless to consider your own Pokémon to be weak. No Pokémon deserves to be deemed weak.”

    Silver then says “Whatever. Since my Totodile is weak at battling, I won’t ever bother battling you again. I’ll just let these guys go right now. But that does not mean you won. I just won’t bother losing again.”

    The trainer then leaves the house. After he leaves, Prof. Oak and Mr. Pokémon introduce themselves, and Alix introduces himself to them. He tells Mr. Pokémon that Prof. Elm sent him to learn about his discovery. Mr. Pokémon then says that the discovery was a Pokémon egg, something that had never been seen before. He asks Alix to take it back to Prof. Elm, which Alix gladly agrees to do.

    Alix heads out of Mr. Pokémon’s house. He goes all the way back to Prof. Elm’s lab in New Bark Town. When he gets into Elm’s lab, he shows Elm the egg, and Elm is astonished. He says that he will keep the egg so he can observe it and learn more about it. Just then, Prof. Oak comes into Elm’s lab, and he tells Elm about how Alix saved him and Mr. Pokémon from a red-haired kid who had a Totodile.

    Elm then says “A red-haired kid with a Totodile? He stole that Totodile from here!”

    Alix then says “I battled that kid when I was on Route 29. I swear that kid is heartless. He called that Totodile ‘useless’ and ‘weak’ just because my Cyndaquil beat it in one hit.”

    Oak then says “I’m glad you care about his treatment of that Totodile. No Pokémon deserves to be called ‘weak,’ let alone ‘useless’. You have a lot of heart.” He then takes a red object out of his lab coat pocket. He puts it in Alix’s hand and says “This is a Pokédex. It allows you to look up the data of any Pokémon you’ve seen. If you’re going to be catching Pokémon, you’ll need it for finding out important info.”

    After that, Elm turns to Alix and gives him an object that looks like a watch and a phone built into one object. “This is the PokéGear,” Elm says. “It’s a watch, a map, and a cell phone in one! It’s very nifty!”

    Alix then says “Thanks, you two!”

    Oak and Elm both say “You’re welcome” at the same time as each other.

    Alix then heads out of the lab after putting his PokéGear on his left arm and his Pokédex on his belt. His journey had now officially begun!


    So yeah, that’s the first chapter. I think I did really well. Feel free to post your comments and compliments! Chapter 2 will be coming soon!
    Last edited by Zero Degrees; 28th November 2008 at 08:06 PM. Reason: Some paragraph fixes.
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  2. #2
    Bloody Melt
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    First of all, start a new paragraph with a new speaker. Second, let's look at the first two sentences:

    On October 16, 2004, Alix woke up feeling great. The previous day, he celebrated his 10th birthday, which meant he could now become a Pokémon trainer!
    Well, first sentence is fine in structure. However, on the second sentence there is a tense problem. It's supposed to be "He had celebrated his 10th birthday, which meant that he could now become a Pokémon trainer!" You should not apply simple past tense, but past perfect tense. Also, "meant" is usually followed by "that". ;)

    I'll fill in more later. Right now, it's kinda late so I can't think straight.
    Last edited by White Len; 28th November 2008 at 07:49 AM. Reason: Adding review.
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    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    And honestly this reads like a recap more than anything else. Put us in the moment!

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Optimatum View Post
    First of all, start a new paragraph with a new speaker.
    If I did that, there may be too many paragraphs that would be too short.
    Quote Originally Posted by Optimatum View Post
    Well, first sentence is fine in structure. However, on the second sentence there is a tense problem. It's supposed to be "He had celebrated his 10th birthday, which meant that he could now become a Pokémon trainer!" You should not apply simple past tense, but past perfect tense. Also, "meant" is usually followed by "that". ;)
    Okay, I'll change that.
    Quote Originally Posted by Blackjack Palazzo View Post
    And honestly this reads like a recap more than anything else. Put us in the moment!
    But, my 10th birthday in real life was on October 15, 2004. Trainers need to wait until they turn 10 to become a trainer, right? I want my character in this fanfic to be almost indentical to me in real life, including my date of birth.

    Anyway, I've continued with the fanfic.

    Chapter 2:

    As soon as Alix headed onto Route 29, he was encountered by Kris again. Kris told Alix that she got permission from her grandpa to go on a Pokémon journey, but only because Prof. Elm needed to know some info about certain places in Johto. The two had a long chat, and afterwards, they both headed to Cherrygrove City together. When they got into Cherrygrove City, they noticed a Pokémon running rapidly from Route 30 down to Cherrygrove City. When it was in the middle of Cherrygrove City, it jumped and used Flamethrower. It then jumped into its own Flamethrower and quickly disappeared into the sky.

    Alix deemed the Pokémon ‘really cool.’

    Afterwards, Alix and Kris went into the Poké Mart to buy 5 Poké Balls. Immediately after that, Alix and Kris head up to Route 30, where Alix finds the Wurmple he met earlier. The Wurmple is glad to see Alix. Alix then takes out a Poké Ball and has the Wurmple go in it. Since the Wurmple went into it with no trouble, the Ball does not need to shake.

    When Alix and Kris go to the upper part of Route 30, they see two mysterious men in black clothes. The men both have an ‘R’ on their shirts.

    Alix says to Kris “These guys look like bad guys.”

    Kris replies “Yeah. They really do.”

    Just then, Kris’s cell phone on her PokéGear starts ringing. It turns out to be Prof. Elm, who needs Kris to come back to his lab so he can tell her something important. Kris says bye to Alix for the time being and starts running over to Elm’s lab.

    After Kris is gone, Alix yells at one of the mysterious guys “Who are you people?”

    The guy responds by saying “We’re Team Rocket. We are an evil team and we use Pokémon to sell for money so we can be filthy stinkin’ rich.”

    Alix is aghast. “That’s totally not right! Pokémon are not supposed to be used to make money! You’re supposed to catch a lot of them so you can make good friends with them and become a better trainer! You guys are horrible!” His voice is impassioned, stronger than he thought himself capable of when faced with such a person.

    “Oh yeah? How about we have a battle?” the Team Rocket Grunt spits.

    Alix reaches for his first Poké Ball. “Okay!”

    The Team Rocket Grunt thrusts out an arm, wiggling his fingers in a textbook 'c'mere' gesture. “Alright! Bring it on, punk!”

    The battle starts with Alix sending out his Wurmple. The Team Rocket Grunt sends out an Ekans. Alix has Wurmple used String Shot. Ekans is unable to move while wrapped up in the silk. To show what he thinks about this, the Team Rocket Grunt says “How friggin’ dare you! You’ll pay now!”

    Alix then has Wurmple use Tackle, which knocks Ekans right into a tree, fainting it.

    Afterwards, the Rocket Grunt calls his Ekans back and tells one of the other Grunts to battle Alix. The Grunt sends out a Rattata, while Alix leaves Wurmple in battle.

    Wurmple uses String Shot again. Then, Alix tells Wurmple to use a special attack that involves pulling the Rattata towards Wurmple and then having Wurmple use Bug Bite. Wurmple does that, and Bug Bite drains Rattata of all its energy, fainting it.

    The Grunt re-calls his Rattata and says “I don’t believe it! Beaten by a damn Wurmple? You’ve gotta be kidding!”

    The other Grunt then says “C’mon, let’s get outta here!”

    Alix says to Wurmple “You did great!”

    Wurmple then starts to spit silk all over itself, and in a quarter of a minute, Wurmple is now a Silcoon, meaning it has now learned Harden.

    Alix then says to Silcoon “Awesome! You evolved!”

    And that’s it for chapter 2. Chapter 3 is coming soon!
    Last edited by Zero Degrees; 29th November 2008 at 02:49 PM. Reason: New words.
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  5. #5
    Bloody Melt
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baby G View Post
    If I did that, there may be too many paragraphs that would be too short.
    Exactly. Have you tried reading a wall that has text, though neat and in straight lines, covering it? It confuses people. I don't care about the length of the paragraph unless it's FRICKIN 5 MILES LONG. So, yeah. Take my advice and start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. It's good grammar too.
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  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Optimatum View Post
    Exactly. Have you tried reading a wall that has text, though neat and in straight lines, covering it? It confuses people. I don't care about the length of the paragraph unless it's FRICKIN 5 MILES LONG. So, yeah. Take my advice and start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. It's good grammar too.
    But in school, I've always been told that a paragraph should have at least 4 sentences in it. If I started each new paragraph with a new speaker, most of the paragraphs would only be 2 or 3 sentences long.
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  7. #7
    Bloody Melt
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    I wish Blackjack were here so she could explain it to ya. But this is the standard among most authors I know. The remaining write children's books (Really).

    As for what your teachers said, I guess it's probably due to them wanting you to add description. While cutting the paragraphs into several smaller ones seems odd to you, it also gives you more space for describing how the words were being said. For example,

    "You get out of my way," the bully said to Garrison. Garrison obeyed. But the bully still shoved him aside anyway. Garrison turned around and saw another bully.

    Compared to:

    "You get out of ma way," the bully grunted. Taken aback by his bulky appearances, Garrison immediately obeyed. However, the bully still thought that he was in the way, and thus shoved the poor, frail boy aside. Garrison sighed in relief when the bully was finally out of sight...only to turn around and see another bully.

    But I should just quote you and rephrase it.

    After Kris is gone, Alix yells at one of the mysterious guys “Who are you people?” The guy responds by saying “We’re Team Rocket. We are an evil team and we use Pokémon to sell for money so we can be filthy stinkin’ rich.” Alix responds “That’s totally not right! Pokémon are not supposed to be used to make money! You’re supposed to catch a lot of them so you can make good friends with them and become a better trainer! You guys are horrible!” The Team Rocket Grunt says “Oh yeah? How about we have a battle?” Alix says “Okay!” The Team Rocket Grunt responds “All right! Bring it on, punk!”
    As compared to:

    After Kris is gone, Alix yells at one of the mysterious guys “Who are you people?”

    “We’re Team Rocket," one guy responds. "We are an evil team and we use Pokémon to sell for money so we can be filthy stinkin’ rich.”

    “That’s totally not right! Pokémon are not supposed to be used to make money! You’re supposed to catch a lot of them so you can make good friends with them and become a better trainer! You guys are horrible!” Alix shouted.

    “Oh yeah? How about we have a battle?” the Grunt says.

    “Okay!” Alix says.

    “All right! Bring it on, punk!" the Team Rocket Grunts says
    *pauses in silence*

    After sorting it out, I've noticed a mistake common in many new authors: vocabulary. Using "responds" and "says" all the time doesn't help. Take a dictionary or vocabulary book or, even better, get a thesaurus. I think you'll be able to find better words to use in there (just look up "say" and check the list of words. Use a dictionary to find the meaning of each word and see if its purpose fits).
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    Religion is a club Every Breaking Wave's Avatar Retired Staff
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    Yeah, Blackjack's the expert when it comes to writing. But to put it simply, everytime a new character speaks it necessitates a new paragraph. It's the rules of grammar, and you'll see it in any published story.

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    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baby G View Post
    But in school, I've always been told that a paragraph should have at least 4 sentences in it. If I started each new paragraph with a new speaker, most of the paragraphs would only be 2 or 3 sentences long.
    That's honestly no problem at all. It leads to ease of reading. Look at novels or other published works. Paragraphs can consist of single *words*, to say nothing of single sentences.

    Think about how thoughts go. Thoughts may not be lengthy, and your paragraphs want to reflect that.

    But no matter what, you want to start a new paragraph for each switch in dialogue.


    (and Matkin, I'm hardly an expert...my spelling sucks eggs, for instance)

  10. #10

  11. #11

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    All right, I've fixed the paragraph stuff, and I'm starting chapter 3 now. I'll post it when it's finished.
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  12. #12
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    That's certainly easier on the eyes, but it still reads like a summary in a lot of parts. And the "x then replied" stuff is a bit wearing.

  13. #13
    Bloody Melt
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackjack Palazzo View Post
    And the "x then replied" stuff is a bit wearing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Some freaky idiot View Post
    GET. A. THESAURUS
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  14. #14

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    Optimatum: Okay, I get it already!
    Quote Originally Posted by Blackjack Palazzo View Post
    That's certainly easier on the eyes, but it still reads like a summary in a lot of parts. And the "x then replied" stuff is a bit wearing.
    Well, I couldn't think of any other words for it.
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    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Here, let me provide some examples.

    Alix responds “That’s totally not right! Pokémon are not supposed to be used to make money! You’re supposed to catch a lot of them so you can make good friends with them and become a better trainer! You guys are horrible!”

    The Team Rocket Grunt says “Oh yeah? How about we have a battle?”

    Alix says “Okay!”

    The Team Rocket Grunt responds “All right! Bring it on, punk!”

    That's yours. How about punching it up a bit like this?

    Alix is aghast. “That’s totally not right! Pokémon are not supposed to be used to make money! You’re supposed to catch a lot of them so you can make good friends with them and become a better trainer! You guys are horrible!” His voice is impassioned, stronger than he thought himself capable of when faced with such a person.

    “Oh yeah? How about we have a battle?” the Team Rocket Grunt spat.

    Alix reaches for his first pokéball. “Okay!”

    The Team Rocket Grunt thrusts out an arm, wiggling his fingers in a textbook 'c'mere' gesture. “All right! Bring it on, punk!”

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