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  1. #1
    Token Evil Teammate CypherFDP's Avatar
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    Default Ai's Adventure

    AI'S ADVENTURE




    Author's Note: ok guys this is my first fanfic so be nice!!! has OC/Satoshi pairing and Hikari/Shigeru my bff jill (eve n though she likes 2 b called sakura) proofred this and after she proofred it my englsh major oder sister red it and started screming and profred it agen so dont trol aboot spelin erors

    CHAPTER 1: YOUNG LOVE


    Ai's Mom was so abusive, moving to Masara Town. Ai's 2,084 Best Friends begged her not to leave her mansion in Hiun City, as Ai was almost universally accepted as Head Cheerleader, Valedictorian, Prom Queen, Head of The Student Council, Owner of The Best Car in School, and Captain of the Football Team, to leave would majorly upset the social order. It was unbelievable how her Mom tried to make excuses. "Your father is under investigation from the FBI, it's not safe", or, "Our assets are frozen, honey, we can't afford to live here anymore", and "You spent our entire life savings on WHAT?! HNNNNNNGGGGGG--Whatever you want honey dearest."

    While Mom was busy begging Ai to help her put down a box filled with Dad's old weights, as the Moving Goriky had left on its lunch break, Ai wandered the super boring town to find anything of interest. She bumped into an old man named Dr. Yukinari Okido, who profusely apologized and offered her every Pokemon ever in apology. "No, that's alright," Ai said, her hair glistening in the sunlight, "I already have my Pokemon. Go, Ichigo!" Ai threw her Luxury Ball, and out popped a Shiny Monozu, which looked curiously pale and underfed.

    "O-oh my! What a rare and powerful Pokemon! You must be one lucky girl, Ms..."

    "Ai. My name is Ai," Ai answeres, flipping her hair for additional effect.

    "Ai. What a beautiful name. Your eyes sparkle like the deepest seas. Your hair dances like the moon touches upon the night skies. In your face, I behold the sun's comp-"

    "Yes, yes, whatever, come on Ichigo," interuppted Ai, grabbing Ichigo by the neck and dragging him along.

    "D-d-deino... [COUGH][WHEEZE][BLOOD VOMIT]," Ichigo whimpered in reply.

    As Ai began walking home, she expected nothing would come of moving in, when she bumped into someone walking in the opposite direction.

    "Hey, watch we're you're--"

    Ai stopped. Looking at her, surprised, was the most gorgeous boy she had ever laid eyes on. His hair was a spiky brown mess, his eyes a somewhat dull brown, his getup totally pieced together from articles of clothing his mother found in the bargain bin, he was perfect.

    "O-oh, what's your name?", Ai practically moaned, drolling on his chest by accident.

    The boy didn't say anything, but looked clearly panicked, making various signs and motions with hid hands.

    "Oh, I'm so sorry! Let me introduce myself, my name is Ai, Isshu League Champion, Tamer of The Tao Trio, and Barrel Rider," Ai practically shouted directly in his face, hugging him tightly.

    The boy struggled with attempts to push her away, attempting to motion for her to let go, shoving her away, even punching her in the face, but to no avail.

    "B-but we've just met! I don't even know your name..."

    At this point, the boy was desperate to get away from her, kneeing her several times in the stomach, and attempting to choke her to death.

    "Satoshi... and you're 10? I'm 16, my name is Ai...", she whispered softly, leaning in for a passionate kiss.

    Ai had, by chance, let him go while moving in, and Red quickly rolled to the side, got up, and ran away.

    Ai sighed, watching him as he escaped, hands on her face, blushing a light pink. "Young love..."

    Quote Originally Posted by V Faction View Post
    "Harumpf! I do say, THIS counterfeit was more impressive than THAT counterfeit!"

  2. #2
    ^^ Safe-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Quote Originally Posted by CypherFDP View Post
    Author's Note: ok guys this is my first fanfic so be nice!!! has OC/Satoshi pairing and Hikari/Shigeru my bff jill (eve n though she likes 2 b called sakura) proofred this and after she proofred it my englsh major oder sister red it and started screming and profred it agen so dont trol aboot spelin erors
    Simply put... MS word, it does wonders for spelling. Even when typing here the spelling errors are underlined.

    Quote Originally Posted by CypherFDP View Post
    Hey, watch we're you're--"
    I think you meant where.

    Quote Originally Posted by CypherFDP View Post
    "Satoshi... and you're 10? I'm 16, my name is Ai...", she whispered softly, leaning in for a passionate kiss.

    Ai had, by chance, let him go while moving in, and Red quickly rolled to the side, got up, and ran away.

    Ai sighed, watching him as he escaped, hands on her face, blushing a light pink. "Young love..."
    OK if you're going to name him Satoshi, then don't refer to him later on by Red.

    And finally my real review starts.

    OK, your description is good in some parts, most notably your dialogue, but you need to add more...
    Also this is your first chapter and even though you've introduced the characters you didn't end it well, and I didn't understand what the story is about, so you should work on your story goal, unless you already have one in which case you should try to tell us more about it without revealing too much.

    I'm going to follow this to see how you improve. And if you need any help that involves writing then don't hesitate to visit 'The Writer's Block'.

    Btw I wrote this using the on-screen keyboard... lol. Sorry if I was too harsh :)

    COMING SOON!

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    Le Choléra Jabberwocky's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Cypher what the hell is this

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    Requiem Raver Drakon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Another thing is that Ai has the traits of Mary Sue. Shiny pokèmon, insane accomplishments, tragic past.

    I suggest that you make Ai less of a Mary Sue by say, giving her a normal pokèmon.

    Also, the way that Ai and Satoshi/Red interacted struck me as unrealistic.
    What are the Legendaries really like? Find out in The Life of the Legendaries

    Humans and pokémon no longer live in harmony. Hear their tales in The Poké Wars Chronicles: Tales From A World At War

    Cynthia once had it all: powerful pokémon, fame and hordes of adoring fans. But Ho-oh's campaign tears her life asunder. Now to survive this deadly new world, she must do the one thing that she never wanted: kill. Follow her trials through a world at war in Poké Wars: Downfall of a Champion

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    Le Choléra Jabberwocky's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Guys, I'm pretty sure this is a parody. Don't take it so seriously

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    ^^ Safe-T's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    A Parody? Well yeah but even in a parody characters aren't that Mary Sue-ish...
    Eh, who am I to judge.

    COMING SOON!

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    Token Evil Teammate CypherFDP's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Quote Originally Posted by Drakon View Post
    Also, the way that Ai and Satoshi/Red interacted struck me as unrealistic.

    how dare you the love between Ai and Satoshi is true and honest


    Quote Originally Posted by CypherFDP View Post
    The boy struggled with attempts to push her away, attempting to motion for her to let go, shoving her away, even punching her in the face, but to no avail.
    Quote Originally Posted by CypherFDP View Post
    At this point, the boy was desperate to get away from her, kneeing her several times in the stomach, and attempting to choke her to death.
    THIS IS HOW EVERY GIRLFRIEND I'VE EVER HAD REACTED HOW DARE YOU BLASPHEME THEIR LOVE
    Last edited by CypherFDP; 2nd July 2011 at 12:56 PM.

    Quote Originally Posted by V Faction View Post
    "Harumpf! I do say, THIS counterfeit was more impressive than THAT counterfeit!"

  8. #8
    Token Evil Teammate CypherFDP's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Author's Note: k sooooo diz claimer (lol) Ai iz an ORIGUNUL CHARERCTR DO NOT STEL an dont trol if u dont hav anythn nice 2 sa dunt sa anythung a al

    CHAPTER 2: THE RIVAL

    After Ai('s Mom) had finished unpacking, Ai gracefully danced up to her room to determine how she would stalk her beloved Satoshi-kun~ over the nest few days, when, spying out her window, she noticed some ruffian standing next to Satoshi! He was obviously bullying him, picking on her Satoshi would not stand! Ai broke the window and jumped out, performing a Fallen Angel Hurricane Thunder Drop Kick, which she had the knowledge of thanks to her Black Belt in Martial Arts.

    "So Red, you want to come over, my sister made cookies and I just got--" Blue was interrupted by Ai's foot knocking him to the ground, sending him flying 5 feet away. Red was inwardly debating which one he should be more shocked at, the attack itself, or the fact Ai was there.

    "Oh, my beloved Satoshi-kun~! He didn't hurt you did he?" hugging tightly on to Red and kissing his face multiple times, despite his voiceless protests and use of a nearby crowbar to pry her off.

    "Ow, Arceus in The Hall, what the fuck is wrong with you, lady?!"

    Ai left Red's side immediately and stormed over to Blue, the heavens themselves quivering in fear of her wrath. "Your name is Shigeru, isn't it, you filthy ruffian?"

    "No, my name's Bl--"

    "That's enough out of you, Shigeru, I hope you know that if you ev~er hurt my boyfriend again [Red was visibly quivering and tiptoeing away at this point], I'll sick my fierce Pokemon on you! Go, Ichigo!"

    "Deinoooooooo....."

    "What the fuck, that thing is clearly dying. What the Reverse World is wrong with you, you sadist?"

    Suddenly, Oak walked up.

    "There you kids are! Come to my lab, I have an important announcement to make! Oh, and... I saved something special for you, Ai," The professor added, licking his lips and rubbing his finger suggestively.

    "Great," Ai replied enthusiastically, "Let's go, Satoshi-kun~!" her arm suddenly elongating multiple feet, grabbing his head from the bushes and dragging him with her to the Lab, Oak following, removing his pants and drooling hungrily.

    Blue stared at them as they left. "This is going to suck, isn't it?"

    What no one noticed was a pair of eyes watching them from the shadows. "Oh, Ai-chan, you thought you could get away? No, you will never escape me, and my LEGENDARY POKEMON! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO~"

    "Who the fuck are you?"

    "Oh shit. Um. YOU DIDN'T SEE ME!" The pair of eyes vanished again.

    "I hate my life."

    Quote Originally Posted by V Faction View Post
    "Harumpf! I do say, THIS counterfeit was more impressive than THAT counterfeit!"

  9. #9
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Wow, I love this. xD

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    Requiem Raver Drakon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Chapter 2 is a bit short but I like how you mocked some of the conventions of poorly shipping fic (use of Japanese names when everything else uses the English names, outrageous/unrealistic behavior).

    And of course, the disclaimer at the top is icing on the parody cake.
    What are the Legendaries really like? Find out in The Life of the Legendaries

    Humans and pokémon no longer live in harmony. Hear their tales in The Poké Wars Chronicles: Tales From A World At War

    Cynthia once had it all: powerful pokémon, fame and hordes of adoring fans. But Ho-oh's campaign tears her life asunder. Now to survive this deadly new world, she must do the one thing that she never wanted: kill. Follow her trials through a world at war in Poké Wars: Downfall of a Champion

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Lol, this is actually really funny, the way you describe things, it feels like I'm watching an anime. XD

    Nice job, but to tell you the truth I felt the chapter was a bit short...

    COMING SOON!

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    Token Evil Teammate CypherFDP's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    uh datz cuz i got a RL unliek u trols gd

    Quote Originally Posted by V Faction View Post
    "Harumpf! I do say, THIS counterfeit was more impressive than THAT counterfeit!"

  13. #13
    Token Evil Teammate CypherFDP's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ai's Adventure

    Translator’s Note: lol u gaize im a translator naow!11!11!!!!1! k soooooo…. Ima translt for u baka gaijin at da endlol




    CHAPTER 3: ADVENTURE TIME

    Ai almost flew with joy to Oak’s Lab, Satoshi-kun~ her beloved wrapped within her tendril. She entered, that horrible Shigeru following behind, rubbing his forehead and muttering words that were obviously death threats against her beloved Satoshi-kun~.

    After pulling his pants back up, Oak walked in front of Ai and her beloved (oh and that mangy shigeru) with an empty tray in his hand.

    “Grandpa.”

    “Hm, yes, NotAi 2?”

    “What the fuck are you… Anyway, why do you have that tray?”

    “You see kids, I brought you here to give you a Pokemon. Except you, Ai, beloved, I wouldn’t dream of offending you so by offering lower-class filth from my collection.”

    “Mmm, yes, whatever,” Ai replied dismissively, kissing Satoshi-kun~ about 4 times per 10 seconds. {The silly keeps on squirming and opening his mouth like he’s about to scream! I must be doing it right! He’s just so kawaii~*!}, Ai thought to herself with pride.

    After twitching with rage and jealousy for a brief flash, Oak regained his composure and was about to speak again before Blue interrupted him.

    “Grandpa, that’s not what I meant, I mean the Pokeballs are missing.”

    “Hmm? Oh my, they are! Come on now kids, help me check the drawers. Ai, I think I’ll check the one behind you. Not staring. At all.”

    Ai reluctantly released her boytoy, watching longingly as he ran off and hid in a cabinet, that wretched scum Shigeru walking up to mock him, no doubt! But that baka* wouldn’t get away with it, no sir! Using her powers to imitate Pokemon, she used her Zubat-like hearing ability to listen in on tidbits of their conversation.

    “Zubatto Shinken!”

    “Listen, man, I know… But we’ve… Call the police as soon as… O.K?”
    “…” “…” “…”
    "Never find... Legendary... Ohohohoho!..."
    “Aw… Yeah… Fine shit… Send these to Elm…”

    Ai bent back up and turned around, seeing Oak casually whistling and fiddling with his phone behind his back. Ai shrugged and went back to using her Zubatto Shinken.

    “Help!... Fucking wizard!... Trapped in… Then he did… To Green, it was horri-… Someone help!...”

    Ai pinpointed that the source of the noise was coming from a violently shaking filing cabinet marked “ALEX”. Ai sighed, the last thing she needed was another boy drooling over her. Oh, couldn’t she catch a break?! But it had THE CUTEST~♥ boushi* on the top and she just HAD to have it!

    After she put on the adorable boushi*, Oak’s phone beeped and he put it away (both of them, throwing his tissues away as well, where did he get those) and he pulled Pokeballs out of his pocket.

    “Found them!”

    Everyone gathered, Red hiding behind Blue who was having an angry stare-off with Ai.

    “So, Red, you pick first.”

    “What about me, Grandpa?”

    WHAT ABOUT YOU?”, Oak replied, his eyes glowing red and a purple aura surrounding him, the sky outside turning dark with lightning and rain falling.

    “How odd, it was clear out just a few minutes ago! This Kanto freak weather, huh?” Ai excitedly whispered to Satoshi-kun~, as he whimpered in fear even more.

    H-h-he can go first, Grandpa, I'm s-sorry...

    WHAT WAS THAT?!

    L-lord Master Eternal Grandfather. I meant.

    “Good, it seems you learned your lesson, UNLIKE YOUR BROTHER.”

    In an instant, the weather outside turned clear, and Oak was back to normal, although Blue was now weeping next to the shaking file cabinet that failed to grab his attention, leaving Red to be smothered by Ai, much to his silent terror.

    “So Red, I think you should pick Bulbasaur! You’ll pick Bulbasaur, right?”

    Red grabbed the ball labeled “CHARMANDER” and pointed it at Ai like pepper spray. The effort was in vain, and many harguru* were had.

    “Oh. That’s Charmander. O.K. Hey Blue, want me to toss you Bulbasaur! I think you should take Bulbasaur! He’s Green! Like your dead brother!”

    “N-no sir, I’ll take Squirtle.” Blue said, cautiously walking up and grabbing the ball labeled “SQUIRTLE”.

    “Oh. O.K, then… Well in that case, I think we’re all set to go on a POKEMON ADVENTURE!”

    “Grandpa, we’re hardly qualified for that.”

    “Ohohoho, but Red’s sister went out and became the League Champion!”

    “No she didn’t, she was taken into an Asylum after they found my brother’s body because she said you were a—“

    ANYWAY we’re going in teams! Red, Blue, you can be Team A! Ai, since you don’t have a partner, you can adventure…” Oak removed his clothes to reveal a tiger print thong. “With yours truly.”

    “I’m sorry, Oak-sensei*, but I love Satoshi-kun~! I couldn’t possibly—“

    “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!”

    Suddenly, a mysterious girl with flowing blond hair and an adorable sailor sushi* burst through the window, who totally looks like my BFF Jill who would rather go by Sakura, but is not!

    “Sakura-chan*! It’s you!”

    “Ohohohohohohoho! Yes, that’s right, Ai-chan! I have come to challenge you!”

    The sky outside darkened. Ai released Red from her grip, and scuttled off to the opposite corner Blue.

    “Ohohohoho! I choose you, Mewthree (my fan Pokemon, Mewthree is the strongest Pokemon ever even stronger than Mewtwo and Arceus and Mew combined)!"

    “Hmph! I choose you, Ichigo!”

    “YO YO YO I’M MEWTHREE IN THE CRIB, BITCHES. I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT SPEAK LIKE [artist that author is into]. GON’ FUCK YOU’ SHIT UP.”

    “I want to Deiiiiiiiii…no.”

    KAWAII means CUTE
    BAKA means IDIOT
    BOUSHI means HAT
    HAGURU means HUGS
    SENSEI means LARDASS
    SUSHI means RIBBON
    CHAN means BEST HOMEBOY FOR LIFE
    Last edited by CypherFDP; 4th July 2011 at 11:15 PM.

    Quote Originally Posted by V Faction View Post
    "Harumpf! I do say, THIS counterfeit was more impressive than THAT counterfeit!"

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