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  1. #1
    Hero Erdrick's Avatar
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    Default The Adventures of the Toad Brigade

    WARNING: While this is rated Everyone, there is some minor violence, which includes some from seemingly harmless creatures with mushrooms on their heads. And fire.
    ...Oh yeah, and this is a non-Pokemon fanfic.

    CHAPTER 1
    Many months ago, Princess Peach, the princess of the mushroom kingdom, was kidnapped by Bowser, a fierce, fire breathing turtle-like thing with spikes on his back . The red-wearing plumber hero, Mario, went out on an adventure to save her. A month went by, and we heard nothing from him. Usually he comes back by now, the blonde-haired, pink dress-wearing princess by his side. Sometimes he's small. So we requested help from a Luma, a round, star shaped being, and made a starship shaped like a mushroom. We called it a Starshroom. It had a red cap and clear windows, made to resemble the mushroom that Mario uses to grow bigger. I assembled a crew of Toads to assist me in my quest. And we were off.

    We heard news, and it was not good. Mario was captured by Bowser! This happened once before, but it still surprised us. Some of our crew wanted to turn back. But I refused. Mario had been there so many times for our kingdom, we had to save him. And now, two months later, I started to write a log.

    Wait, why am I writing this like a book?


    "Toad!" a female voice called from behind me. I turned around in shock. It was only Toadette. Like me, she was a Toad, people with mushroom hats and vests. Unlike my cap, which was white with red spots, hers was pink with white spots. I blushed slightly.

    "What?" I asked, confused. She was supposed to be working the controls.

    "You might want to see this," she said, motioning towards her. I followed. We went to the top of the Starshroom, which was were Toadette worked the controls. Luma was also up there.

    "Look at this," the yellow star being commanded, pointing to a gauge. I looked at it. "What is this?"

    "Our energy levels," he replied, looking concerned. Or at least as concerned as you can be when you only have two black eyes.

    "I'm guessing that we're almost out of energy," I said, looking at how there was only a small portion of yellow left in the gauge.

    "Correct," Luma said. "But luckily, there is a power source nearby."

    Toadette, who I didn't even know left, came back up with Tye, a Toad with a white cap and green spots, and Nye, a Toad with a white cap and blue spots, who also sported glasses. "I brought the other two up, sir," she reported.

    "Excellent," Luma replied. "Now, I have an important announcement: we are going to explore!"

    "All right!" Tye said, pumping his fist. "I'll get my pickaxe!"

    "NO!" Luma yelled. "We are not exploring for no reason. We are exploring to find a Power Star, the source our ship needs to go on." Tye looked disappointed. "But this is important. We will not be able to go home if we do not find a Power Star, let alone find Mario."

    "May I ask where the Power Star is?" I interjected.

    "Certainly. Over there," Luma said, motioning towards large masses of what appear to be dirt. Tye looked even more disappointed. I could barely make out a robot on one of the smaller dirt clumps, but I couldn't be sure.

    "Now come on, everybody!" Luma said, and began to twirl. He flattened out, and became a large, disk-like star. "Hop in!"

    I decided to go first, and found out that Luma actually seperated into two parts. Before I could question it, the outer part started spinning, and I was launched towards one of the clumps of dirt, screaming.

    BAM! I landed face-down in the dirt, which was harder than I expected. A few moments later, my teammates landed next to me. I got up, and found a small, drill-like object near me.
    Last edited by Erdrick; 20th March 2012 at 06:03 AM.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: The Adventures of the Toad Brigade

    i'm not quite sure what's going on here, but first and foremost... please double space your paragraphs. it makes it easier for people to read. also, this is quite a short chapter. chapters (for me) should be about three pages in microsoft word.

    the second thing is your lack of detail. you don't describe what the toads are. imagine if no one ever heard of the mario universe and decided to read your fan-fiction. try explaining things in your writing as if people who don't play the mario games are reading your story. so, explain what a toad is and what they would normally look like. also explain more about what mario looks like and what bowser looks like and who he is. also explain who princess peach is, etc. add a little background and detail; in the end it will make your chapter longer.

  3. #3
    Hero Erdrick's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Adventures of the Toad Brigade

    While I can agree I needed to double space, and maybe work on the plot better, I think that you should have at least used the word more, given that I did describe the Toads (Toad himself described them as "people with mushroom caps and vests"), and I also gave the description of the colors the Toads hats were. I do agree that I could have done more to describe Mario and Bowser, and definitely Princess Peach.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: The Adventures of the Toad Brigade

    ah, i see. i was skimming over it, as i am a fast reader, but the lack of double spacing threw me off so i might have not caught that detail.

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