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  1. #1
    Registered User Trainer Stanley's Avatar
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    Default Adventures through Maciel [Ch4]

    Adventures Through Maciel!
    (Name Subject to change.)


    Chapter One

    Schools out for Summer!

    Around five minutes after the school bell let off its ring or relief to the children on Snowell High School, Adam Greenwing walked out the gates slowly. He pulled his hat out from his backpack and put it on. He pulled the cap over his blue eyes and sighed happily as he began walking home.
    "Adam!" A voice called.
    Adam turned to see his friend Rose Turner. He had known her pretty much all his life. However she recently moved away from him so they only saw each over at school.

    "Adam, have you thought about what you're doing over the holidays?" She asked him.
    "Well since its six weeks with no school, I think it's about time I started my journey." Adam replied.
    "Finally! I've been waiting for months now!" Rose cheered happily as she threw her pokéball in the air releasing a Minccino.
    Rose has caught her Minccino around four months earlier on their school field. She has taken a pokéball from their English teachers desk the day before and used it as soon as she found it. Luckily she caught it without hassle but she hasn't been able to go on an adventure with it because of school and the thought she might get lonely. Since she caught Minccino she has just been training it up on any wild Pokémon she saw at school. Occasionally she would battle another student but not very often.
    "I've always had the dream of taking on Maciel's Elite Four in Pokémon battles, but I've never got round to catching a Pokémon, I am fourteen now, I had my heart set on going on an adventure when I was ten!"
    Adam and Rose both live in the town of Snowell in the Maciel region. The region is full of Pokémon from other regions and doesn't really have Pokémon that you couldn't catch anywhere else like some regions. However even with the wide range of Pokémon spread across Maciel, Adam Greenwing was left with no Pokémon.

    "I'll tell you what, how about we go home and tomorrow we go and see the Professor?" Rose suggested.
    "Yeah, ok." Adam sighed as they walked home, followed by Rose's Minccino which was now chasing a Rattata across the street.

    Have already written chapter two but I will wait untill I get some feedback on this before I post it. Before you see chapter two I must say its probably not what you expect. Plus I gotta say the first couple of chapters will be fairly short. Kinda like an introduction really.
    Last edited by Trainer Stanley; 24th April 2011 at 12:13 PM.

  2. #2
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    I think that served more like a prologue than a first chapter.

    You started out fine; there were no spelling mistakes I could spot, but there were one or two grammatical mistakes. I can't really say much about the plot or characters yet except that Adam seems depressed. It would help to have a little bit more description of the setting as well as the characters. I would also suggest spacing out every paragraph and line of dialogue, as it makes it easier to read when you're looking at it through a computer screen.

    Will be checking back if I can.

  3. #3
    Registered User Trainer Stanley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuuketsuki View Post
    I think that served more like a prologue than a first chapter.
    Sort of what Im trying to get at. As to your other comments see what you think of this.

    Chapter 2
    Criminal Minds


    The black gloved fist of Damien Ringlocker hammered on the white door leading to Connor Reptate's flat. Connor and Damien had met in at Snowell High school, although Connor was two years older than Damien, he still hung around with him, he was his only friend. Connor had left school at the age of Seventeen and Damien no longer thought that there was a point in him going to school. The past year he had bunked more days than he actually arrived at school.

    Connor was eighteen now had joined the infamous gang known as Team Rocket. However he was too scared to do any jobs that had been set for him and was paying Damien half his wages to get them done for him. Damien didn't count Connor as a friend anymore. He hated cowards, no he despised them. But he had to do the work for him, he had run away from home after an argument with his mother and was staying wherever he could. The money would pay for his food and residence.

    "Back already?" Said Connor, with a smug grin on his face, as he opened the door.
    Damien held his hand out, demanding the money.
    "Hold up Damien." Connor said anxiously," I have got more work for you!"
    "Fine. Give me the address." Damien replied throwing the Pokéball containing the Pokémon he had stolen on his last job into the flat. He couldn't care less about what Connor decided to do with it, as long as he got his money.
    "Here it is." Connor pointed out whilst handing a note with the address on it, "The Pokémon is a Treecko, quite rare I'm told."

    Damien took the paper and walked away from the flat. His scratched his dark brown hair, wondering about what he wanted to do with his life. He could always join Team Rocket, stealing is what he is good at. But something inside of him kept telling him that he shouldn't, and that he should just go home and apologize to his mother. He let his thoughts leave his mind as he prepared for what he was about to do.

    I am starting to write Chapter 3 right now.
    Last edited by Trainer Stanley; 20th April 2011 at 07:29 AM. Reason: Needed a change of font to match

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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    There were a few grammar mistakes, but regarding the chapter, I thought the story was weak. Your story is starting to fall into the cliché genre, and it still needs more description. For once, a single argument, which you didn't expand on, wouldn't drive someone into leaving their home at that age unless they were a stereotypical whiny teenager. You also gave no explanation to why he decided not to act on the impulse to return home. And both characters come across as annoying ones to have in the story; one who is too cowardly to do anything for Team Rocket, and for some reason, won't leave it, while the other is a teenager full of angst who does nothing but listen to his friend, who he despises.

    I'm not trying to bash your writing or discourage you. I think you tried too hard to make the story dark, and it ended up failing. Combined with the Adam we saw in the first chapter, the only character who isn't an annoying teenager is Rose.

    However, there are some redeeming qualities about the story so far. The first of which is character development. I can see how starting out the way you set them out to can lead them to having major twists and tweaks done to their character, and actually builds an air of anticipation for the reader. Second, this could just be me, but stories in which the main characters' paths cross somewhere in the story are very exciting to read, and this helps with the third point, which is how these characters can interact with each other. The way in which they meet each other, form some kind of relationship, and interact with each other and others around each other should be a strong point.

    All in all, I hope you don't get discouraged by my comments. I also hope that don't change what you have planned drastically based on my comments; it's your story, do what you want with it.

  5. #5
    Registered User Trainer Stanley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuuketsuki View Post
    For once, a single argument, which you didn't expand on, wouldn't drive someone into leaving their home at that age unless they were a stereotypical whiny teenager. You also gave no explanation to why he decided not to act on the impulse to return home.
    I am planning on elaborating more on this as I go into the story. I tried to make it seem like Damien is trying hard to forget what happened but I will try to make it seem like he is even more in the next chapters.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuuketsuki View Post
    Second, this could just be me, but stories in which the main characters' paths cross somewhere in the story are very exciting to read, and this helps with the third point, which is how these characters can interact with each other.
    This is what I am planning. Anyway thanks for the comments I will take them into account for the next chapters.

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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    Thank you for being a good sport; I was seriously worried you might take my comment as an attack.

  7. #7
    Registered User Trainer Stanley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    Chapter 3
    Professor Fidan


    Rose had phoned Adam before he left his house to tell him that She was already at the Professor's research facility. She spent a lot of time there with the Professor and had taken Adam there a few times to look at the Pokémon. It was a hot day and Adam has rolled up the sleeves on his shirt and was thinking about what Pokémon the Professor will give him. Since Rose had got her Minccino before Adam got his Pokémon it would be definitely stronger, unless Adam was given a fighting type like Machop as it would have an advantage.

    However, Adam's goal was to defeat all the Gym leaders and the Elite Four in Pokémon battles, and not to beat Rose. Snowell's Gym leader specialised in flying type Pokémon, so they would have the advantage against a Pokémon like Machop. An electric type would be great against a flying type Gym. Adam thought about all the amazing battles he has seen on Television. He wondered if he would be a good enough trainer to have his Pokémon battle on Television.

    Before he knew it he had arrived at the gates of the Research facility. The sign read: " Professor Fidan's Research Facility."
    Adam smiled and sprinted along the path to be greeted at the door by Rose.
    "Hey there, trainer!" Said Rose cheerfully.
    "Hey Rose, is the Professor inside?" Adam asked impatiently.
    "You bet, I've told her about you, but there's a slight problem." Explained Rose.
    "What is it?" Adam asked nervously.
    " She has already given away all of the starter Pokémon. But she can still give you your Pokéballs, belt and Pokédex." Rose claimed.
    "Alright then!" Adam exclaimed, "Let's go inside!"
    The pair walked inside the facility. There were lots of scientists working on complex things and many bookshelves full of books about Pokémon. Rose explained that Professor Fidan had written many of the books on the shelves. The Professor was definitely Rose's role model .

    In the corner of the facility was Professor Fidan herself, she was at her desk and looked as if she was preparing something. Adam and Rose walked over to her together and she stood up and began to speak.
    "You must be Adam." She began, " It's nice to meet you!"
    Rose had only taken Adam inside the Facility when the Professor was out doing field work so they wouldn't disturb her. She was a lot younger than he had expected her to be.
    "Hello." Said Adam nervously, not knowing what else to say.
    "I imagine you have told Adam about the problem we have, Rose?" She asked
    "Yes, yes Professor" Rose said smiling to the woman.
    "Well then, do you know how to catch a Pokémon Adam?" She questioned.
    "With Pokéballs." Adam replied, knowing he knew the right answer.
    "Well done." She exclaimed, she was testing him, "What is a trainer's job?"
    Adam was about to say to battle with Pokémon to get Gym badges, but decided against it.
    "To help the Pokémon they make friends with grow!" Adam claimed.
    "Great! I think you are ready." She said with glee.
    She then handed him a box containing six Pokéballs. She also handed him a belt to keep them on and a strange device. He knew he was supposed to be getting a Pokédex from the Professor, but this didn't look like any Pokédex he had ever seen.
    "That is my invention." She explained, "Its a Pokédex, but it has a few extra tools that you might find useful. Firstly it goes on your arm, like this."
    She slid the device onto his arm, it acted like a wristband and Adam could see all the buttons and dials. He pressed one call "Check Moves."
    "The Check Moves command is very useful. Why don't you scan Rose's Minccino with it?"
    Immediately Rose sent out her Minccino, it was if she knew the Professor would ask this. Adam moved his arm so the camera was pointing at the Minccino. A list came up on the screen and Adam read it out.
    "Pound, Growl, Helping hand, Tickle, Doubleslap, encore, Swift." Adam read out.
    "Swift?" Rose looked puzzled, " I didn't know Minccino could use that move."
    "Are you planning on going with Adam on his adventure?" The Professor asked.
    "Of course!" Cried Rose excitedly, as if she was waiting for this question to be asked.

    The Professor then gave all of the items she had given Adam to Rose. They were finally ready to go on their journey. However Adam still didn't have a Pokémon. Therefore the first thing the pair did after leaving the Research facility was look for a Pokémon for Adam to catch. Rose explained she often went to Snowell Park to train her Minccino and there were lots of Pokémon there.

    When they finally arrived at the park, Adam began looking for a Pokémon right away. However after a few minutes, he was interrupted by Rose calling to him. She had found a Pokémon. He sprinted over there to see a creature that resembled a monkey however it was purple and its tail appeared to have a hand on the end of it. Adam instantly scanned it with the Pokédex. It was an Aipom and not a very strong one. Adam unclipped one of the Pokéballs from his belt and threw it towards the Aipom. The creature leaped into the air and slapped the ball away with the hand on the end of its tail. It then landed back on the floor jumping around excitedly. Adam was about to throw the Pokéball again when Rose stopped him.
    "Adam! Try and weaken it with Minccino!" She suggested.
    He hadn't even noticed that Minccino was out of its Pokéball.
    "Ok Minccino, use Swift!" Adam shouted proudly. This was his first ever Pokémon battle.
    Minccino put both of its arms forward and sent a wave of stars shooting towards Aipom. The Aipom tried jumping over them but they moved upwards and hit it on its back. It fell to the ground with a thud, then it leaped up and charged at Minccino. It landed a scratch attack right across Minccino's face before Adam could do anything.
    "Use pound!" He shouted, noting that the Aipom was now close to Minccino.
    Minccino spun around smacking Aipom across the face with its tail. The Aipom stepped back looking dazed. Adam then threw the Pokéball that had failed once before again, this time Aipom got sucked inside of it. It began rolling around on the floor but before long stopped and made a clicking sound. Adam had caught his very first Pokémon, nothing could stop him now! At least, thats what he thought.
    Last edited by Trainer Stanley; 21st April 2011 at 09:36 AM.

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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    I can definitely see the potential of the story, but you still need more description. Try giving the reader more of an idea about the surrounding, and the character's thoughts. The battle could have included Rose clenching her fists in front of her or tensing up; a simple detail that could have given a much better perspective about Rose's personality and her relationship with Adam. He himself could have used more thoughts expressed, which you did well at the start, but seemed to forget it as you went along the chapter. Your dialogue also needs some tweaking; it seemed like you were rushing through it.

    But anyway, relating this chapter with the previous, I like the contrast you created between a happy sort of start, and a gloomy place with anti-heroes or antagonists. Your characters have a lot of potential in them, except for Rose, which I think needs more expansion other than a friend of Adam's. Keep writing, you have improved.

  9. #9
    Registered User Trainer Stanley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuujux View Post
    I can definitely see the potential of the story, but you still need more description. Try giving the reader more of an idea about the surrounding, and the character's thoughts. The battle could have included Rose clenching her fists in front of her or tensing up; a simple detail that could have given a much better perspective about Rose's personality and her relationship with Adam. He himself could have used more thoughts expressed, which you did well at the start, but seemed to forget it as you went along the chapter. Your dialogue also needs some tweaking; it seemed like you were rushing through it.

    But anyway, relating this chapter with the previous, I like the contrast you created between a happy sort of start, and a gloomy place with anti-heroes or antagonists. Your characters have a lot of potential in them, except for Rose, which I think needs more expansion other than a friend of Adam's. Keep writing, you have improved.

    Thanks for all your comments. I am taking all of them into account when writing chapters.

  10. #10
    Registered User Trainer Stanley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Adventures through Maciel

    Chapter 4
    Snake Attack


    Damien checked the address that Connor had given him. This was the house. He walked round to the side, next to a high fence and pulled a black balaclava out of his bag. He put it on and let out a deep breath. He then clambered over the fence and ran up to the back door. He tried to open it, it was locked, but he was expecting this. He put his hand on one of the Pokéballs on his belt. He sent out his trusty Pikachu.
    "Pikachu." He said, "You know what to do!"
    The Pikachu nodded and jumped into his arms. He held it next to the handle as it poked its ear inside the keyhole. After a minute or two the lock made a click sound and Damien pushed open the door. The house was very modern and the owner was probably quite rich. Damien saw a wallet on a coffee table and took a reasonable amount of money from inside. Damien checked the rest of the ground floor to find nobody. He walked up the stairs cautiously with Pikachu by his side. He heard snoring coming from a room.
    He turned to see if Pikachu was ready. The small yellow mouse nodded, as if to say it was. Damien stepped back and kicked the door open, this wasn't necessary but he needed to wake the man up. The man burst out of his bed and grabbed a pokéball from his desk. He was quite small and overweight.
    "Wh- what are you doing here?" The man stuttered.
    "Is that Treecko?" Damien shouted pointing at the pokéball that the man was clenching. He was shaking in fear. He then threw the pokéball in the air sending out the Treecko that Connor had requested.
    "Quick attack." Damien said calmly looking at Pikachu.

    Pikachu burst into action, leaping over the bed and crashing into the Treecko all within a second. The two Pokémon smashed into a wooden wardrobe that wobbled a little but didn't fall over. The Treecko briefly looked to its trainer, awaiting a command. The man was so scared he just stood there with a dumb look on his face. Treecko turned back to face its opponent and spun around hitting Pikachu with its tail without waiting for a command. The green creature was itching for a fight, and Pikachu was prepared to give him one.
    "Thundershock!" Roared Damien.
    Pikachu let off a bolt of electricity that struck Treecko causing it to faint.
    "No!" Cried the man returning his unconscious Pokémon, "What do you want from me?"
    "Your Treecko." Damien spoke calmly once again, he knew what was coming next.
    "But it's not yours!" Shouted the man stepping away.
    "Pikachu, get ready." Damien commanded.
    Pikachu leapt onto the bed and growled at the man. The man who was now cowering in fear had witnessed firsthand the power of this rodent. He then sighed and held out his hand with the pokéball. Pikachu the jumped forward grabbing it and then spun around running back to Damien, who bent down and took the pokéball from his loyal Pokémon.
    "Please, don't hurt it." The man said as a tear ran down his cheek.
    Damien sprinted down the stairs and ran out the way he had came. As he was running down the road he pulled off his mask and returned Pikachu to the pokéball.
    "Good job, Pikachu." He announced, "Mission success."

    Damien walked up to the door of Connor's flat feeling quite pleased with himself. He had managed to get the Treecko without Pikachu using thundershock directly at the trainer. As he got closer to the door the positive look on his face changed. The door was wide open. Damien put his hand on Pikachu's pokéball and he slowly entered the flat. It stunk of alcohol, but that was normal for this place. As he got further into the flat, he turned a corner into the kitchen and gasped as he saw what was in there. Connor was tied to a chair with a blindfold around his eyes. He looked unconscious but Damien wasn't sure.

    "Connor?" Damien whispered trying to be as quiet as he could, however he didn't try hard enough. A man's arm grabbed him around the neck and pulled him to the cold tiled floor. Damien was almost choking when he managed to send out Pikachu from its pokéball. The creature turned to see what was going on but before he could the snake Pokémon Ekans had whipped itself around Pikachu with a wrap attack. Damien didn't even see where this Pokémon had come from. Pikachu struggled to get free and it wasn't doing very well. The man's hold on Damien made it barely impossible for him to breath, let alone give Pikachu a command. As Pikachu struggled Ekans moved its head above Pikachu and sprayed it with a deadly acid attack. Pikachu stopped struggling as it had fainted.

    Another man came into the room from behind Connor and sent out another Ekans, this one was slightly smaller than the one that had dealt with Pikachu. Damien unclipped the second Pokéball from his belt but hesitated to send it out. He thought back to the last time he had used this Pokémon, when he had had the argument with his mum. He groaned in anger. He kept telling himself it was just an argument but it was much more than that. He had no more time to think about it as the other man had ran over to him and kicked him in the face with his boot. The man that had been holding him down stood up and the two men in black jumpsuits looked pleased with themselves. They looked across the floor at the unconscious Damien along with his Pikachu. They gave each over a high five as they returned their Ekans to their Pokéballs before returning the unconscious Pikachu to its.

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