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    Default Ace Black, Dragon Tamer(Chapter one up!)

    Hello everyone. Yes it's back. But I'm clompletely redoing it.... well, almost clompletely.

    This a story of a boy and his dragon, team rocket, Johto, and all the stuff in between. It takes place Six Years after HGSS, Now, heres the Prologue.

    Prologue
    Ace looked out at the lake he had seen so many times, because today was the day. He was definitely going to do it. Get his first Pokémon.

    3 Years Earlier, Whirl Islands, Johto


    “Arch… hey… you’re not Archer! Who are you?” Julia Black asked when she finally found her way to the head office of the rocket building.

    “Doesn’t matter. All that matters is Giovanni is dead and so are the four executives. And soon you will be to. This base, here in the whirlpool islands, is set to explode. But I will get out.” A voice said behind a mask.

    “Really? Then why did I set all those bombs? Now fight coward!” Julia said.

    “What bombs? Oh, hey, my ride’s here.” The masked person said. Just then a helicopter smashed through a giant window in the back of the room. “Goodbye Julia!” The masked person said, hopping on the helicopter.

    “COW-” Julia was cut off by the explosion. The whole base blew.

    “I win. Wait, what’s that mysterious ticking noise?” The Masked Person said. Just then the helicopter exploded.

    Present Day, Blackthorn City, Johto

    Clair looked at the other side of the lake. Ace was coming from the city on a canoe. “Hey Ace! Come on in!” Clair said.
    Last edited by The Miniryu; 27th May 2011 at 07:39 AM.
    The wind howls...The rain pours...A figure appears in the darkness...The Minryu approaches..............

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    Default Re: Ace Black, Dragon Tamer

    Here's Chapter one:


    Ace bowed. “Hello, Elders of Blackthorn.” Ace said.

    “Tell me Ace, What are Pokémon to you?” One of the Elders asked.

    “Friends, why?” Ace said, confused.

    “Name something that helps you win battles.” Another one asked.

    “Raising Pokémon.” Ace said, still confused.

    “What kind of trainer do wish to battle?” Another one asked.

    “Anyone.” Ace said, annoyed now.

    “What’s important for raising Pokémon?” Another one asked.

    “Love and Knowledge.” Ace said.

    “Strong Pokémon. Weak Pokémon. Which is more important?” The final one asked.

    “Both….” Ace said. The first elder threw a Pokeball at Ace.

    “You passed.” An Elder said.

    “Wait… what? What happened to the 30 question test on the history of the dragon, dragon’s den, and Blackthorn city?” Ace said.

    “You weren’t ready for the real test.” An Elder said.

    “What!” Ace said.

    Meanwhile, at Route 45… “Reggie! The bomb goes there!” A strange person says.

    “Shut up Jeff!” The other one says.

    A crisp autumn wind flows by on a bright sunny beautiful day, and all is calm. A Wild Dunsparce slowly exits Dark Cave and walks into route 45. The Pokémon hears a beeping noise. “Dun?” It says. A bomb goes off nearby it. Several Pokémon let out cries and flee from the area. Blackthorn citizens take a canoe across the azure blue water and hide in the 10dragons den. But Ace and Clair take a boat in the opposite direction.

    “Go to the den Ace. Now.” Clair says.

    “You aren’t my mother.” Ace says, making it to shore.

    “Your mother told me to take care of you, though.” Clair said. The two came upon shattered remains of the bridge to route 45. “Oh my gosh…” Clair said. An Earthquake hit. Huge grey rocks blocked the way into the Ice Path. Just then almost one hundred mysterious people in black clothes came in from the mountains followed by Several Black Helicopters with a neon green “NR” painted on each of them. The men and women in black suits took every radio, Cell phone, Pokegear, Pokenav, Xtransceiver, and whatever they found that could contact the outside area. Then they made a magnetic field around the city to keep away planes and helicopters.

    “Ace! Run! Ace…?” Clair said. But Ace was gone. He had climbed over the mountain.

    “I finally got out of there!” Ace said. A Curious Dunsparce came up to him.

    “Dun.” It said. The Dunsparce jumped up and nudged one of Ace’s Pokeballs. One Shake, Two Shake, Three Shake. Click.

    “Well… Ok then.” Ace said. Ace turned around to face Blackthorn City. “I will free you citizens I will.” Ace said.
    The wind howls...The rain pours...A figure appears in the darkness...The Minryu approaches..............

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Ace Black, Dragon Tamer(Chapter one up!)

    This looks promising. I have two negative things to say about it, though:
    The first one is pretty minor, but can slightly improve dialogue: When someone says something and then adds the other persons name to it, or some other form of referring to that person, put a comma between those two. Example: "Shut up, Jeff." instead of "Shut up Jeff." and "Now fight, coward!" instead of "Now fight coward!" Again, this is a very minor issue, but it does slightly improve the flow of the dialogue.
    My second issue is more important: Chapter One feels very rushed. The two paragraphs of Team Rocket taking over are written so curtly as if it were a background event of little importance, and it was actually not until the end of the first of those paragraphs that I realised something important had just gone down. The beginning of the chapter, with the test is also a bit strange, with the way Ace just gives the correct answer to each of those questions as if he had been thinking about it constantly or prepared for that test. I think showing his thoughts about each question might have improved that part.

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