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  1. #16
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abdication

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    This chapter was definitely easier to read than the first. However, something kept nagging me throughout the chapter. For supposedly being the most high-security prison in the world, the prisoners sure get left on their own a lot. Banette is left to himself to go see the warden, inmates are left loitering in a yard when their day's work is done, there are no guards escorting Weavile and Banette back to their cells...and Weavile even has a weapon in his pocket, practically in plain sight. There might be guards and cameras everywhere, but that still seems like an awful lot of freedom, especially if this is where pokemon who have committed only the most heinous crimes are sent for life.

    Other than that, I really liked this chapter. Weavile is shaping up to be an excellent character, and the Fall of Fires event is a great backstory. I'm looking forward to reading more

    Also, I'm going to make the first wild mass guess of the fic - Dusknoir was part of the band that orchestrated the Fall of Fires, and the Hypno that was on his jury is the boss.
    Thanks for your feedback. I'll definitely explain more about the whole "prisoners can do anything they want thing" in the next upcoming chapters.

    As for your guess, you'll just have to see if it's true, cuz I'm not gonna tell. Thanks for continuing to read, though!!!

  2. #17
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Abdication

    Well I have to agree with Feli about the prisoners having a lot of free terrain for being...you know prisoners.

    Other than that, the description was pretty good in this chapter and your spacing and pacing of the story was definetily better. I understand that the chapter didn't have any kind of action or anything because we're still in the introduction phase of the fic. I liked the "Fall of Fire" tale you gave us but...well that's the thing the way you explained it was like you were putting it on us it's different to have the author give us the information than to have a character explain it while talking to another that doesn't know or hearing about it. Basically the rule of "showing not telling" describe past events or people through the characters unless it's too hard or it's just better to explain it through paragraphs.

    Now I wonder if we'll get to see what really happened with Bannette and why he was incarcerated

  3. #18
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Abdication

    Good chapter on the whole, it feels like you've got the characters to the place you want them to be, and I feel like you've got a good plot lined up. I can't wait to read it.

    The Fall of the Fires thing seemed like a bit of an... odd tangent though. I'm guessing it's going to have some relevance later in the story. If not, I'm not sure why it was included.

    What I found weird anyway though was that the Fall of the Fires should suddenly lead to no crime whatsoever. Typically, in times of enormous disasters, crime increases as people no longer trust in the rule of law, and start looting and rioting in an attempt to ensure their own safety. Perhaps the government adopting an incredibly strict attitude to crime in response to the FoF (as you said they did) would have reduced crime a lot, but if it was fifty years ago, surely not completely. Also, they don't seem to be that strict on crime. The prison doesn't seem amazingly harsh. It seems fairly harsh, sure, but that's mostly because of the no parole thing. The prison itself doesn't seem that bad, particularly since Banette has met a friend straight away.

    Anyway, I'm interested to see what you've got in store for us at prison, and I'm certainly interested to finally find out what it is that Banette did to get himself landed in there in the first place!

  4. #19
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abdication

    I agree with GMa. The Fire thing was cool, but seemed a bit oddly placed if that makes any sense. Not to worry though, your overall writing skill and characterization is very good. Overall, very enjoyable!

    Keep it up!

  5. #20
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abdication

    SO SORRY for the enormous delay!! I was caught up in other things, but regardless, here's the next chapter. May be kind of short, so sorry for that too. Not short enough to really notice, I guess. Expect chapter 4 tomorrow and maybe even chapter 5 ;)

    ABDICATION


    CHAPTER 3: Confessions, Confessions

    Banette pondered over how exactly to tell the story. He needed to explain it in a way that didn’t make him look like a violent killer who lashed out ruthlessly, but he couldn’t tell it and make himself look like someone who only did it because they were pushed to their limits. He ran a hand over the back of his hand and sighed. I might as well start from the very beginning he thought. With a choked gulp, he began.

    “okaysoyouseethisguyswaspissingmeoffandhewassomeananditoldhimtostopandhewaslikenoandhewaspickingon thiskidandbeingmeantolikeeveryoneanditmadememadsowefoughtafterschoolandikilledhim.” Banette said in one breath. He exhaled and Weavile raised an eyebrow.

    “Dude, what the hell? I didn’t understand a word o’ what you just said.” He chuckled but Banette could tell it sounded a little forced. “Tell me what you did-from beginning to end.”
    Banette sighed helplessly. “Alright,” he muttered, “Here it is.”

    “Before I ended up here I used to go to the local middle school. Don’t really remember what it was called, but basically, there was this really mean kid. Name was Gengar.” Banette paused and Weavile nodded to signal for him to continue.

    Banette continued to explain, “Ever since the first day there, the kid was a complete douche. He picked on everybody, until even the cool kids became complete dorks. He did have a posse that “hung out” with him, but even they weren’t safe from his giant waves of insults. Besides, rumor has it they only followed him around because of fear.”

    “Ooh, that sucks. “ Weavile replied. “In all honesty though, I was the same way back at school. Never gave a shit ‘bout nothin’”

    “Well, this kid was probably worse. He used to pick on me, too. I usually just shook it off, but the pain he caused stayed inside. And the more he bullied me and everyone else, the more that pain transformed. We were outside at recess, and this one time, a kid disagreed with him on something, and Gengar socked him. Right in the freaking kisser!”

    Banette looked a little hesitant to go on, but he did so anyways. He didn’t feel like getting yelled at by his new cellmate again. “So anyways, he eventually starts really beating up the kid. Like berserk. He just goes into this wrath and starts trashing everyone else. He launched a kick at the one dude’s balls and chokes the other with both hands. And then he turns around…”

    Weavile could see the fear in Banette’s eyes as he recalled the scene. Banette shuddered as he went on, “He turns around, and looks directly at my friend, who’s like right next to me. His eyes…Holy shit man, they had death written all over them. Those red triangles were like portals to hell! He charges right at my friend, who doubles over and starts sprinting.”

    “What about you? Did you get hit?” Weavile asked. Banette shook his head and said, “I flung myself backwards when he was still charging. I don’t have to tell you that I obviously ran for my life. I only stopped when I met up with my friend at the entrance to the school. We stopped to catch our breaths, thinking that Gengar gave up and we were safe.” Banette chuckled softy, “Well, turned out we were wrong.”

    “The bastard was running behind us the entire time! We were outside of the exit, and we definitely weren’t running anymore. We barely got to catch our breaths. Everybody else had scrammed inside, we ran to the school’s entrance instead like a couple of retards. Me and my friend knew that there was no choice but to fight him.”

    Weavile was amused by the story, he hadn’t even bothered to start their game of Blackjack even though the cards were shuffled and everything was set. He frowned and said, “Well, don’t stop! Did you fight?”

    Banette nodded and replied, “Yup. My friend went at him first. He charged head-first into Gengar’s stomach, making the big purple fiend stumble backwards and fall onto his back. While Gengar was struggling to get up, he launched his foot at Gengar’s chest, the sound of the crack reverberating around the entire parking lot. Made me cringe.”

    “Anyways,” he went on “Gengar yelled out in pain and struggled to stand for a while, staggering around like a lost puppy before eventually getting onto his feet and tackling my friend. I was really scared, so the entire fight I made sure to be away. My friend collided against the brick wall of the school, and Gengar lashed out repeatedly, hitting my friend hard in the face. Gengar laughed as my friend yelped aloud in pain, and lurched backwards as my friend tried to land a blow on him.”

    “Not much happened after that, went like that for a while, both hitting each other pretty badly, until Gengar right hooked my friend, his fist landing at his temple. Stumbling backwards, my friend fell to the floor and passed out. This really scared me, because now I was alone with that monster to face.”

    “Gengar turned to me and said, ‘Just me and you now, pussy.’ But I wasn’t listening. At that moment, that was when the pain and anger transformed-turned into pure hatred, which turned into viciousness. Here was I, being ridiculed by this lowlife excuse for a living thing, who just knocked out my friend. I wasn’t gonna let it slide.”

    “Oh, snap!” Weavile joked, “Shit just got real!” The two laughed and Banette cleared his throat before going on, “I ran towards Gengar at full-speed and body slammed him, both of us tumbling onto the ground. Luckily, I was on top, and blasted him right in his face with my fist. He cried out in pain, and I used that moment to get up, and kick him square in the side. The prick was fast though, rolling over and jumping up. Stars exploded into my vision as he punched me right in my face.”

    “I blinked a couple times and regained my vision, but not before his shin collided with my spleen. I stumbled backwards and decided to end it there and then. Yes, this was where in my head I said I’m gonna kill this sorry son of a bitch.”

    “So I charge forward and jump while I’m in front of him, jerking my foot out and catching him in the jaw. He fell to the ground, and I began flailing hits with both of my arms, hitting him in random locations. His lip was breathing, and he probably had some broken ribs too. I guess he must’ve looked into my eyes, because the next moment he was filled instantly with fear, each blow causing him more pain, the skin where they hit beginning to form contusions underneath them.”

    Weavile was now wide-eyed, full of fear and excitement, similar to what you feel when riding a roller coaster. Banette sensed this, but was too into the story to stop. “I wouldn’t stop now. I couldn’t stop now. The remainder of the fight was fueled purely by anger and adrenaline. Mixing those two together is a pretty dangerous combination. Gengar was pretty much pleading for his life now, but the only thing I remembered was the way he’d treated all those kids, all those people, including me.

    “In fact, it took me a while to see people coming out of the entrance to see what was going on. People must’ve realized we were missing and told the teachers, who were now scurrying out to see where we were, petrified from shock as they saw the situation in front of them.”

    Weavile was speechless and Banette took it that he was waiting to hear the rest of the story, so going on, he said, “They didn’t know about the bullying. They didn’t know he started the fighting. Nope, all they saw was me with bloodied hands punching Gengar while I was on top of him, while he sat there, eyes closed. Dead. I didn’t know it at first. I thought he passed out, but know, the repeated blows had given him a lethal concussion, and a piece of his broken rib pierced his heart. That’s what the coroner said, anyways.”

    There was a long silence after that. Eventually though, it was Weavile who broke the ice.

    “Damn. It’s just…wow. I know not to get you mad! You musta been real angry to beat someone to a pulp like that.” Weavile’s mouth remained open like he was going to say more, but he couldn’t quite figure out exactly what to say.

    Banette sighed and said, “Yeah, I know. The trial was even worse. This guy…I don’t remember his name…I think it was like Hypno or something? Anyways, he was leading the jury, and to get a more accurate ruling read my mind to recap the incident. I ran the entire incident through my head so he could see, but it’s almost like he only saw the violence even though I know for a fact he could see the whole story.”

    “Well it’s no mystery Sherlock,” Weavile said as he rolled eyes. He got up and walked toward Banette, pointing his finger at the black Pokémon’s chest and continued, “He obviously set you up. I don’t know why though.”

    Actually, that thought had been bothering Banette since he first entered Rara. Why would Hypno set him up? Why would he get Banette into trouble on purpose? Did he do it because he believed Banette deserved it? I mean, he did beat someone senseless. But still, even though Banette tried to make that the final verdict, it just didn’t seem right.

    “Wait, what did you do?” Banette said, trying to change the subject. Weavile seemed to tense up at this, and as he took a seat again squirmed in his chair said, “It’s not too pretty. Bottom line is that my mom’s boyfriend got drunk and it looked like he was gonna hit her. I took a wack at him with a plate and he died at that moment. Mom couldn’t come to my trial. Even if she did, I’m not even sure she woulda defended me.”

    There was an awkward pause after that, which was broken by the distant, but ear-piercing cry of a bell somewhere. The two Pokémon heard the two main metallic doors creak open followed by the pattering of a thousand footsteps as the inmates flooded the prison, each one scurrying to get into their cells.

    “That’s the alarm for the end of the day,” explained Weavile. He got up and jumped onto the top bunk, sitting there and motioning for Banette to do the same. “Warden and the guards come around to make sure you’re in ya cell. They get real cranky if ya not.”

    Banette did as Weavile told and laid down on the bottom bunk. Surely enough, the warden and his guards passed by their cell, checking off that they were present. Weavile told him to never look awake and pretend to be asleep, so Banette curled up underneath the covers-actually, large napkin was more of a fitting name- and screwed his eyes shut. He could hear Dusknoir’s booming voice as he said, “Cell #623. Inmates present.” The guards boots slapped against the rocky, dry floor as they continued down the aisle to see that everyone was there.

    Later that night, Banette awoke to see a shady figure standing out his cell. The prison was completely dark now, filled with the choruses of snores and the soft wheezes of the sleeping prisoners. Weavile was sound asleep, and even though Banette couldn’t make out the figure completely, he thought he oddly enough recognized the shape. His ears appeared to wake from their slumber as he heard the figure whisper, “Sleep well. Because in time, you will be part of my army.”

    Banette, still half-asleep, was surprised when he heard the words, not wanting to turn around in fear that the figure would see him. The shadow left after a while, but the words bounced around in Banette’s head making it impossible for him to fall asleep again.

    Sleep well. Because in time, you will be part of my army.
    __________________________________________________________________________________________

    Whew, I had a lot of fun with that one! It was cool getting to describe the fight scene. Anyways, please tell me what you think, I love to hear feedback!

    Spring Awards are starting! Don't forget to cast your nominations! Do so here: Writer's Workshop Spring Awards 2012 Nominations Thread

    Not going to ask you to vote for me, but it would definitely be appreciated :D

  6. #21
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    Part of someone's army? Well it's always cool to end your chapter on an interesting cliffhanger.

    The only thing that personally bothers me is that I still can't get used to the fact these Pokémon actually fight, physically, with fists. I mean, you'd think that Gengar would use Shadow Ball or some other attack but nothing of that sort was described.

    But it was a good chapter, nevertheless, you seem to have a good idea of where your plot is heading and that's always a good thing.

    Keep up with your work, you have potential! :)

  7. #22
    i am guro an illegible mess.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    i'm surprised banette didn't use one of his moves on gengar, and gengar didn't either. i'd also like to know what pokemon banette's friend was lol.

    by the way, middle school usually doesn't have recess (well mine doesn't). it sounds like he's more of in an elementary school than middle school. oh and, i bet SOMEONE would have told the teachers or guidance counselor about gengar's attacks, unless they were all too scared.

    i liked the ending! cliffhangers are good. just don't post too many of them xD.

    but i like where this is going so far. looking forward to more, and i hope you win something in the awards! :)

  8. #23
    Christmas Bubble Frog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    Wow, that chapter was a tad short. Nothing to worry about though.

    Agreeing with everyone else on being surprised Gengar and Banette didn't use actual attacks on each other, though I guess this could be explained as moves not being allowed in school or something. Either way I liked the back story on Banette a lot, we really got to see quite a bit of him and know a lot more about him and why he's locked up in that retched hell hole.

    Hypno sabotaging Banette's case is pretty interesting as well as the cliffhanger about Banette being apart of an army. I'm liking the characterization behind Banette and Weavile's characters, sure they're prisoners, but Weavile did it for his mother's sake and she still chose not to come to his court hearing and defend him, so I'm assuming she did it because she loved her boyfriend more then she did her own son, which is sad if that is that case. Either way I feel bad for Weavile and liked his back story too.

    Wow, Gengar was an asshole. I really felt like Banette's situation was relatable in many aspects, Banette has that sort of sheepish meek personality that makes him an excellent target for put downs and insults, he finally reached his breaking point when Gengar once again tried his same old stuff. In the end the teachers simply assumed things, you really "feel" for his character.

    Either way you seem to be going somewhere with this plot, you've given me characters I can feel for, you seem to be foreshadowing something, you've given back story, so that's quite a bit right there. Totally looking forward to what you're cooking up next chapter.

  9. #24
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    It's obviously Banette's viewpoint, but at times it seems like he's instantly nearing individuals (making the actions of the story a flashback), while other times it seems like we're predicted to be experiencing the actions as they're happening. Beyond those, however, I think you've got something very guaranteeing going on.

  10. #25
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    Thank you all for your feedback. I meant to explain that schools-actually, ever since the Fall of Fires, using Pokémon moves in public places has been banned, it just became infamous pretty much. No one really thought about doing it either, the idea just vanished from peoples' heads. Chapter 4 should definitely be out on the weekend, maybe even chapter 5.

    Just to clear something else up, if you're wondering, Banette is 14. Weavile is around 16. Just wanted to say that so you would have an idea of how old they are

  11. #26
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    I think the chapter was pretty good, we got a good luck at Bannet's past, however I feel that you should've described his own feelings while telling the story.

    However, as most other people have pointed out, you should've mentioned the attacks being banned in school thing; last chapter would've been pretty good since you explained the war and everything that occurred after it. But there is something that bothers me, how could they forget about their moves, they're an important part of Pokemon so it's hard for them to forget them it's like animals forgetting their instincts it's impossible for them to disappear out of their mind, especially in a situations of extreme danger like the fight between Banette and Gengar.

    Another thing was that the teachers didn't do anything to help, sure we can go with the excuse of them being scared, but they being teacher and being more experienced Pokemon than the students...well I just think they should've done something to at least try and stop them rather than just letting them fight it out.

    One thing I wanted to point out again is the "Show don't tell" thing, you did a lot during this chapter were you told us what was happening or rather what happened instead of describing things as they were happening. Overall I still think you need some more description but you'll get better, I can tell.

  12. #27
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    The fight was cool, but the reason for Banette's arrest was, on the whole, a little disappointing. After the build up, I was expecting something more dramatic. I guess it was still cool that he killed a school bully, although it almost seemed too convenient that no one knew that Gengar was a bully - that's the sort of thing teachers know (even if they don't do anything, it's usually because they can't rather than because they don't know or care).

    Anyway, I don't feel like that's that central a part of the story. The cliffhanger at the end of this chapter tells me the real meat of this story is yet to come, I look forward to it!

  13. #28
    Clarion of Revelations Feliciano's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    Banette is...14? Wow. That seems...really young. And Weavile is only 16? Is this some kind of juvenile hall?

    The events that happened in this chapter are good, but I really feel this could've been a lot more effective as a flashback. As it is, it's an exposition dump - Banette is removed from the story, and therefore, so is the reader. The thing about no attacks being allowed in school really should've been brought up, too, and while the cliffhanger ending was good, to me, it ended up being too little too late. Your concept is really interesting, but your execution frankly leaves a bit to be desired. I think what will help you most is to have things happen in an active way - have the characters do things, rather than say things. Instead of exposition dumps, have flashbacks. That sort of thing.

    Looking forward to the next chapter
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  14. #29
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]

    I wanted him to not be too old, and not too young. Setting him as a teenager, seemed to be the right idea. The prison is can range from all of these age groups, however, but nothing too old.

    Thanks a lot for this! I can definitely see what you're saying. I want this fic to have an action-y feel to it, even as a drama, mystery, and horror-tinted fic. I do try my best though, but yeah, I think this'll definitely help in the future.

    Update should be by today :)

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