4th April 2012, 08:19 PM #1
The First Homunculus
Abdication [Chapter 3 posted]
Hey everyone. Here is the full first chapter for my new fan-fic Abdication. Hope you enjoy. I put a lot of work into it. It's a different kind of take on I guess what you could call a PMD fic. Hope you enjoy!
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Imprisoned (below)
Chapter 2: Getting Acquainted
Chapter 3: Confessions, Confessions
Chapter 4: Prison Life
CHAPTER 1: Imprisoned
“Here we are live at the scene of the trial for Banette, Pokémon # 354,” said Mr. Mime. He took a pause before continuing, “Banette was arrested 3 weeks ago for murder, and after having his trial postponed, is now in the court room, waiting to hear his sentence.”
It was a dark, rainy day, no cloud in the sky. Police Staraptors flew above the court, circling the above space with stiffness like it was their last flight ever. Police barricades blocked off the sides of the path into the court, while the public and media nervously waited to see for any sign of Banette exiting the court. Police were trying their best to keep the public at ease, but the pandemonium was too much to control. You couldn’t blame them. Crime among the Pokémon wasn’t common ever since… well, we’ll get into that later.
(Meanwhile, in the court room.)
Banette ran his fingers over the top of his head and sighed. Not one of tiredness or pity, though, but one of disbelief. To think my greed brought me to this place he thought, the place that decides whether I’m home free, or stuck dying in a prison for the rest of my damned life. The whole court room was shrouded by tension, the jury going over all the evidence preparing a statement, while the judge waited for their decision. Banette had no lawyer present, but he tried his best to justify his actions when he was asked questions by the opposing lawyer.
Murder, he thought to himself. The word was fresh in his mind even though he had heard before a million times. Maybe it had a new essence to it, since he personally committed the crime. He curled his hand into a fist. It was for the right reasons Banette stated in his head, I couldn’t let them hurt all those kids… and I couldn’t put up with them hurting me. He shot a quick glance over to the jury still discussing the situation, and then another to the judge, a bulky and disciplined Dewgong, seeing that he was growing impatient. He began quickly looking over everyone seated before him; the victim’s parents, his two friends…and his own parents. It took every ounce of self-control for Banette not to jump into the crowd and cling to his father, to be consoled by his mother, to cry until they could cry no more, and most importantly to leave, without a care in the world. Go to Undella Town for vacation, play with his cousins and eat Oran Berry sandwiches made fresh by his mother with a side of Cherri Berry Soda. Instead, all he probably had to look forward to was a dull, boring prison with no life, no color, no emotion, nothing. Just to work, eat, and sleep until the fateful day when you finally passed away.
He felt guilty for this, but Banette couldn’t help but smile a little thinking about all those good times. But that smile immediately turned into a grimace as he thought about the idea of rotting away in a prison for the next 70 or so years. He looked over to his mother, pink-face and eyes red, still from crying. She couldn’t even make eye contact with him; the thought of losing your son must have been unbearable, and Banette felt a sudden pang of guilt wedge its way into his heart. Banette’s eyes moved to his father, one hand on his mother’s shoulder, and another in his pocket. His father looked weary and distraught, waiting just as nervously as everyone else for Banette’s sentence. Banette looked over to where his two life-long best friends were seated, Litwick and Drifloon. Litwick’s eyes were sad and his face seemed to be full of sorrow. He saw Banette looking at him, and Litwick flashed him a sad smile. Drifloon looked tense and nervous, looking like he was ready to boil over at any minute. He saw Banette looking at him and turned away, but Banette saw Drifloon looking at him when he thought Banette didn’t notice. The look on Drifloon’s face was one of pure grief, but one of compassion as well.
“Our statement is ready,” announced the jury. Among them included Quagsire, Xatu, Bayleef, Dugtrio, BIissey, Pansear, Noctowl, Slowking, Munchlax, and the leader of the jury, Hypno. The judge bellowed, “Well, don’t leave me hanging. Is he guilty or not?” Noctowl stepped forward, “We find the defendant…” Banette’s heart was racing. This is it he thought. Guilty or Innocent. One of those words can put me in hell, another in bliss. His heart was beating so loud it felt like the world could hear it. He crossed his fingers, and said a short prayer to God. The tension, which was already thick, seemed to rise to a new level, like the minute before a volcano erupts. Banette snapped back to reality. Hen noticed that the whole court was noisy, the room engulfed in chaos. “SILENCE!” boomed the judge. His voice was like thunder. The audience dropped their voices and stopped talking, squirming in their seats and shifting their position until there was finally silence again. Noctowl cleared his throat, and said “Your Honor, we find the defendant…” Suddenly, Hypno stood up. “Just a minute, Your Honor.” Noctowl became annoyed and cried, “Sir, I re-” The judge waved him down and said, “Continue, Hypno.”
Hypno cleared his throat and said, “To make this a fairer trial, and to know the real truth, I have a proposition. I can use my Mind Reader move to peak into Ban-…err this criminal’s mind to see the incident through is eyes, see his feelings, and most importantly find important details and evidence to help with this case. He paused for a second and took a breath before stating, “Invasion of privacy, yes, but in the end it’s to finish this…sad case.” Banette felt a thousand eyes staring at him, hate burning in their eyes, shouts and angry yells aimed towards him. He blinked twice, and noticed that everything was quiet. Dewgong thought it over for a second finally before stating, “Permission granted. You may begin when you are ready.” “Yes, sir.” Hypno stated. He turned at nodded at Banette, who closed his eyes, and waited for Hypno to say something. In his head, he recalled the incident: the fight, the first hit, the blood, and most importantly his feelings. If I think of the right things he thought. I could get out of this mess.
“It is done,” Hypno announced. Banette opened his eyes to see a look of astonishments and pure evil in Hypno's eyes as Dewgong roared, “What did you find?” Hypno didn’t say anything for a second, before responding, “Y-Your Honor, t-this Pokémon… is a cold blooded KILLER!” Gasps arose from all over the crowd. Anger and rage shot up every inch of Banette’s body. “THAT’S A LIE!!!” he screeched. It was to no avail, however. The judge ordered, “SILENCE!” and once again all the noise drained out. Banette looked up to see his mother and father leaving. He didn’t know why, but for some reason, it felt like right then and there that he had already lost the battle. Dewgong motioned towards Hypno and said, “Tell us more about what you saw.” Hypno seemed to gather himself for a moment before replying, “Your Honor, I felt the defendant’s anger and hate. It had been bottled in him for years. He just hated Gengar so much. He couldn’t take it anymore. For his own selfish reasons, just to get rid of him, Banette simply slayed him as if throwing out a used toy. This criminal deserves no mercy, sir. I suggest maximum life with no parole. Once again Banette screamed, “Lies!! He’s making it up, Your Honor, Lies!! That’s not tr—.” Dewgong merely turned to meet Banette’s eyes, the judge’s eyes cold and unforgiving. It seemed that he was so full of rage, he forgot his manners. “Shut up, you monster.” Banette, startled, became quiet at once. His heart was now like a fierce drum, loud and rebellious. Banette felt his legs grow weak, and goose bumps form on his arms. Monster. Is that really what I am?
He didn’t try to say anything after that. He knew where he was going and there was no point stopping it. He braced himself for the big news. “Your Honor, after receiving this new evidence, we have come to a new statement.” proclaimed the jury. “Go on.” replied Dewgong. Pfff Banette rolled his eyes. Like he even needs to hear it to know what’s gonna happen. “Your Honor, we find the defendant guilty on all counts.” Shocker… said Banette sarcastically in his head. But he couldn’t act like there wasn’t a problem. Banette knew he was on the verge of tears and he was doing everything he could to hold them back. “Then it’s settled.” bellowed the judge. “Banette, #354, I sentence you to maximum life with no possibility of parole.” The judge slammed his gavel down on his podium, and the crowd turned from distraught to happy, as cheers erupted from all over the room. The judge once again banged his gavel against his podium and said, “Court has now ended. Please leave now in an orderly fashion.” People quieted down and began to pack their things, getting up and quickly leaving. They huddled in big groups and walked out, talking and laughing as they exited the building. Banette didn’t get to see Litwick and Drifloon leave, though he knew that they were probably shocked and depressed beyond word. He couldn’t take it anymore. Maximum life... Banette thought. Prison for my whole life. That was the point where he gave up, the thought of never seeing his family, never seeing his friends, never seeing the world…
His legs gave way and he fell to his knees, crying quietly as the noise from everyone leaving drowned out his silent sobs.
After what seemed like hours, when the guards came to take him, he didn’t even try to resist. He wasn’t mad anymore, he wasn’t sad. He felt as if he had cried his eyes out, but he knew he wasn’t even close. There is really no emotion to describe him at this moment. Perhaps one word you could use was...”empty”. He was quiet when they took him, didn’t say a word when they handcuffed him, and was completely silent when the guards walked him out. What could he do? What could anybody do? It was a war he could never win. Like a bear taking on a cat. Every minute in that court room, he was getting devoured. Devoured by the crowd’s harsh glares, devoured by all the evidence, devoured by the judge. It was one of those moments where you curse your own existence. Actually, you know what? Maybe there was a word that could describe how he was feeling.
(Outside of court, back to Mr.Mime)
“…Ladies and gentlemen, we’re getting word that Banette is exiting the building.” Mr. Mime reported. “It appears he has been incarcerated by the local authorities and has been given maximum life with no possibility of parole.”
Mr. Mime paused for a second listening to an incoming transmission before saying, “Here comes Banette right now. I have just now received information that says Banette will be taken to Rara Vex Penitentiary. Look, here comes Banette now!!”
It still wasn’t very dark, but the sky was gray, and rain was pouring. Still, people were gathered all outside the barricades waiting to see Banette walk down the path. Sure enough, the court doors slammed open to reveal Banette, two guards in front, and two guards in back, being escorted out of the court to a police car parked at the end of the path. Banette kept his head down in shame. As he passed by people jeered and made noises, spitting on him and screaming insults.
“Wow, what a retard. Way to go.”
“Haha, holy shit. This little man is the killer? Looks like we’ve got a badass over here.”
“You think you some tough guy, little man? Why don’t ya come and fight me?”
And so on. The things mentioned above and more, everything you could think of. The entire time, only five words flowed through Banette’s mind. As if on repeat. It was all he could think, all he could say to justify himself. And yet, it was no use. He was already arrested, being sent to the slammer for the rest of his poor life. But time and time again, the only thing he could think of was those five words.
It’s not what you think. It’s not what you think. It’s not what you think. It’s not what you think….
If he could’ve, he would’ve used a Shadow Ball or Shadow Claw to get himself out of this mess. He would’ve ran, ran as far as he could. Ran until he could run no more. But of course that wasn’t the case. The cops weren’t that stupid. Nobody really thought of Pokémon trying to use their powers to escape until it was personally done by a Feraligatr. They caught him, though, and went to work on a new pair of handcuffs that would change the energy used to make a move into a jolt that would shock the arrested one. And using powers in the court? That may have seemed like an option, but you are given a shock before you enter that shuts down your moves for the next 24 hours. Besides, even if that wasn’t the case Banette probably wouldn’t have done it anyway. The terror and fear of the moment don’t really let you think. So basically, struggling was impossible; both with Pokémon moves and without. Throwing a punch at those 6 foot giants they called “guards” was like trying to break a brick with a toothpick.
They reached the police car, and without even looking at Banette, the guard barked, “Get in.” Banette was given a seat in the back with two guards, while the other two hopped into the front. Once again, Banette felt himself getting weak and starting breaking down and crying. The guards howled with laughter and said, “Ah, don’t worry bud. Let it all out. It’s only for eternity. You’ll have plenty of time to become strong again in there!” Banette stopped crying after a while. Not on purpose. He just couldn’t cry no more. Tears simply wouldn't flow from his eyes anymore, he had drained himself out. He had let down everybody, and for what? A lifetime in jail? Why couldn’t I have controlled my goddamn temper?!! he thought. Why did I give a shit? Why did I care? He shuffled uncomfortably in his seat as he looked out the window, trying to enjoy his last moments of freedom before total desolation.
The skies cleared up, but by now it was dark. The rain had reduced to a minor drizzle. They were riding up a steep incline to Rara Vex Penitentiary, commonly called Rara for short. It was pretty rare for someone to commit crime these days, ever since… well, I know I said later, but it’s not time yet.
Banette never really believed in a God. Everybody was always offering praise and worship to the 3 spirits, Azelf, Uxie, and Mespirit. Most importantly, Arceus. But he believed that those people were wasting their time. The way to accomplish things wasn’t to say a couple of prayers and hope for the best. It was to actually act on whatever you wanted to accomplish that brought you good things.
Besides, after seeing a rainbow which was probably the result of the earlier heavy downpour, Banette was sure “God” was toiling with him. And he couldn’t even tell if it was ironic or depressing.
Last edited by Pride; 21st May 2012 at 07:46 PM.
5th April 2012, 12:46 AM #2
Reader and Writer
Very good start!
You do an especially good job of describing your intro to your world for the reader. Banette is looking like a strong character and I love the realism of your dialog.
Phone suggestion might be to break up the long walls of text and start new paragraphs more often.
Overall, a great start!
5th April 2012, 01:26 AM #3
5th April 2012, 06:55 AM #4
The First Homunculus
Thanks for your feedback. :)
Originally Posted by Feliciano
The perspective is told in 3rd person, where the little bits where the audience is addressed directly is by the narrator. Banette never addresses the crowd.
Also, by choppy sentences, I'll try to use different words to make the sentences flow better, but those sentences such as:
"Devoured by the crowd’s harsh glares, devoured by all the evidence, devoured by the judge."
I'm gonna keep those because I think they are vital to describing objects, feelings, or people in the story. I also think they help you connect with the characters and setting more.
I hope this clears things up and thanks again!
Last edited by Pride; 5th April 2012 at 07:18 AM.
5th April 2012, 02:25 PM #5
Clarion of Revelations
5th April 2012, 02:30 PM #6
The First Homunculus
No, the entire thing is in third person. The narrator tells the story in third person, but the bits addressed to the crowd are said by the narrator.
Originally Posted by Feliciano
Those bits will barely be there, so don't worry. Even if they bother you, they'll barely be in each chapter.
I'll try to limit myself, but I can't make any promises ;P
Next chapter will be up soon!
9th April 2012, 01:35 PM #7
Eh, I spotted a contradiction.
First it said; "He crossed his fingers, and said a short prayer to God. "
And then; "Banette never really believed in a God."
So, does he believe in God or not? :P
Or is that simply how Banette is?
Other than that, interesting concept. I was certain that Banette would be released but seems like you have other plans for him, looking forward to seeing what happens next. Keep it up!
9th April 2012, 01:43 PM #8
The First Homunculus
I actually did that on purpose. It's to show that everyone needs God at some point, but the God thing isn't a big deal just simply a detail. But observant of you to spot it.
It's simply how he is.
Thanks I will :)
Sorry for the delay on the second chapter, should be up by tommorow.
9th April 2012, 09:00 PM #9
It wasn't much!
Well the idea behind it is good, though I'm confused it takes place in a world like in PMD right? so does it also take place in the same world as in the games like they have the same city bot no humans?
I suggest separating your paragraphs a little in future chapters, it's just that some of them ended up turning into large blocks of text and that can make a reader lose interest. Also when characters speak it gets kind of confusing so I suggest starting a new paragraph every time a different character speaks to make it easier, that will also help with the spacing too.
Other than that I'll wait for the second chapter.
10th April 2012, 01:08 PM #10
Let's get funky!
As I said in your provisional chapter, I love the premise of this, it seems like a great idea and I can't wait to read more.
Two issues: in the scene with Hypno and Noctowl, there seemed to be a little confusion between the two. Which of them is meant to be the leader of the jury? Also, Hypno's outburst seemed a little unrealistic. I feel like that scene could have been delivered better if, for example, Bannette remembered that happening during the trial, as it seems like something that would happen during the standard process of the trial rather than suddenly at the end. Alternatively, you could have it so it is something standard that is done once a guilty verdict is reached in order to help make a decision regarding what the sentence is going to be.
Additionally, I felt there was a little too much explanation of the handcuff stuff, and why Bannette is unable to attack. Have you ever heard of a creative writing concept called "Show, but don't tell". It essentially means that you should show the reader what is happening rather than laboriously explaining it to them - a more enjoyable read is one where you can fill in the blanks for yourself. In this case, I would've simply said something along the lines of "Bannette would have loved to use a Shadow Ball or Shadow Claw, but was unable to thanks to the restrictive powers of his handcuffs."
Hope this is helpful, and I'm looking forward to another chapter.
11th April 2012, 02:59 PM #11
The First Homunculus
Really sorry about the delay. I was busy with stuff.
And procrastinating. Anyways, here is the chapter!
CHAPTER 2: Getting Acquainted
The squad car had reached a stop in front of the prison. Rara Vex Penitentiary...thought Banette, Place where I’m spending the rest of my life. “Get out,” growled the guards. The two guards who were driving had stepped out and opened the back doors of the car. Banette hopped out along with the other two who accompanied him.
He looked up to see the penitentiary. It had huge gates in the front similar to the ones of a huge mansion. There were two security cameras each perched at the top of each gate, stationed at the end. They all strode over to the front of the gates where the security cameras focused in on them. Soon enough, the gates opened to reveal the prison in all of its glory.
Banette was surprised at the size of the jail. Everything else, not so special though. It was a large, rectangular building. The building was a dull shade of gray and it looked very old. Pretty much your average prison, except the one thing about Rara that made it stand out was that it was one of the most heavily guarded prisons in the whole world. Escape was impossible. And the worst part? You had no chance of getting out since you had no chance of parole. Yikes.
“I’m surprised by how big it is” blurted Banette accidentally. The guards looked up as if they all snapped out of some sort of trance and one snorted, saying “Ever since the Fall of Fires, there ain’t been much pests like you. Nobody’s got the guts.” Banette’s mind immediately flashed back to the horrific incident.
The Fall of Fires took place over fifty years ago. But it changed the lives of almost every single Pokémon. People disagree on the details but the main idea is that one fall night, five outlaws snuck into Dark Crater and released a horde of wild fire-type Pokémon. They mostly released Torcoals and Camerupts. The Pokémon were very confused as they reached a cliff on the side of the mountain, and the five vigilantes used their psychic powers to control them, and the Pokémon shot up load after load of flames, sending them into the sky.
The fire rained down over the land, and burned over half the region. The incident led to the death of over ten thousand Pokémon, and left a permanent mark on the Pokémon universe forever. The five vigilantes were never caught, and their reason for doing so was never very clear. They are still loose today. Rumor says though, that there are actually only four criminals, and the other one is their leader.
Ever since then, no one had the courage to commit a crime. It truly scared millions. It took almost half a century just to recuperate from the wounds. Ever since then, there was a zero-tolerance policy against crime. Which wasn’t a big deal since mischief wasn’t really in many peoples’ heads after the incident. But now that Banette came along, well, that kind of rocked everybody’s world didn’t it?
Banette shuddered at the thought of the region being engulfed in flames. He winced at the thought of all those dead people. But most importantly, he was filled with rage at those five criminals. I will admit that they’re pretty smart for hiding out Banette said in his head. If they were even seen in public… Banette paused for a second and realized that nobody actually knew who they were. Meaning that they could be walking the streets right now. He was angry at the thought. And he immediately thought of something that made his heart leap into his throat.
What if they do it again?
Two of the guards shuffled forward and opened the giant metallic doors of the prison. Banette was led through by them as they took him to the reception desk. After registering him as a new inmate, the guards took him to a room where he was given his uniform. Nothing fancy of course. Just a simple white T-shirt with the logo of the prison imprinted on the left side of your chest. It felt like putting on cardboard.
The guards left him after that, but before they did, they told him, “Go see the warden, Dusknoir. It’s policy for all new inmates to meet him.” After that, they turned around and walked back out, disappearing into the shadows. Banette swallowed hard and decided to go see him.
“Play it cool,” he mumbled to himself. “Nothing’s going to happen.” Even as the words left Banette’s mouth, he still wasn’t so sure though.
After climbing what felt like six flights of stairs to get to the main deck on the top floor, he was exhausted. Just as he was about to open the door to the warden’s office, he overheard a phone conversation. Banette put his ear to the door and listened.
“Yes, everything’s ready.” Dusknoir replied.” There was a vague voice coming from the phone that Banette couldn’t really hear. After the voice stopped, Dusknoir said rather harshly, “No it’s the third. You can’t mess this up. The boss will freak.” They exchanged some more words after that, and then Banette heard the phone click. He immediately straightened up, and put his hand on the door, but just as he was about to open it, the door slammed open, sending Banette flying backwards.
“You ok there, prisoner?” Dusknoir inquired. He hovered over to the spot where Banette was and put his hand out. Banette rubbed his head, and after regaining his senses, grabbed Dusknoir’s hand as the giant lifted Banette to his feet.
Giving Banette a minute to straighten himself out, Dusknoir then said, “As you may or may not know, I’m Dusknoir the warden. I’m the boss around here. Any problems you come to me.” Dusknoir motioned for him to follow as he led Banette down the stairs. He began explaining the prison rules.
“First things first, when you hear a siren at the end of the day, that’s when it’s lights out. Wherever you are, I don’t care. You are to be in your cell by the time the prison lights turn off. Guards will patrol the hallways to make sure you are in your cell. If not, you get thrown into solitary confinement for a day.” Dusknoir paused, and then went on. “When you hear a siren in the morning, that’s when you wake up. You are to go to the bathrooms, brush your teeth, and shower. Afterwards, report to the cafeteria for breakfast.” Banette’s head was spinning. Jesus Christ he thought. Only allowed to go to the bathroom once a day?
As if reading Banette’s mind, he responded, “Going to the bathrooms throughout the day are your responsibility. You must alert a guard first. You will hear two sirens after that before lights out. One will be after breakfast, where you will all report to the jobs room to see your jobs running across the computer screen. Your job will have your name next to it.” Banette could now see the bottom floor. He was being taken to another giant metallic door. “While working, that’s when the second siren will sound. It means work is done for the day, and to go do whatever you want for the remainder of the day until the last siren. Basically, most of the people here just loiter around in the yard.”
Finally, they reached the door. Banette could hear voices from the other side. “This is where we part, son.” Dusknoir said with no expression. But that turned into a wicked grin as he said, “Enjoy your time here at Rara Vex Penitentiary.” As Dusknoir began opening the door, the voices stopped from the other side. There was only dead silence.
He unlocked the door, and it opened to reveal a giant yard, a little bigger than the size of a football field, filled with about 1,000 prisoners. On the side of the yard was another building, larger than the building they had just exited. “That building is the main prison. This was just the entrance.” The both of them walked forward to a giant white circle in the middle of the yard where Rara’s logo was imprinted. Three guards stepped forward. The logo was beginning to fade and already looked vague.
The prisoners huddled around the circle, eyeing Banette with fierce eyes. “Banette, Pokémon Number 354, Prisoner Number 562. Cellmate: Weavile” Dusknoir boomed. “You kiddin’ me?” said a voice as part of the crowd began moving to reveal Weavile walking to the center. He was the same height as Banette, but looked much more vicious. He snorted, “Ain’t it my luck to be stuck with the new guy. I said my prayers and everything.”
“I don’t want to hear your complaining. Honestly, it’s not like it’s going to change anything.” Dusknoir said sternly. It was easy to tell that he was annoyed. “That’s all for now.” The warden stated. Dusknoir turned around and walked towards the lobby building. He opened the doors and disappeared into the blackness.
The guards went back to their posts, and once again the yard went full with chaos. Banette simply looked upon the ground, and didn’t say much as Weavile eyed him up and down. After about a minute, Weavile said, “Let’s go to my cell. I’ll explain some of the rules we got round here.” They strode through the crowd and through the door to the main prison building. Weavile explained to the guards that he was going to show Banette around, and they opened the doors for them.
As they entered the building, which was much more immense and intricate than the other, Banette immediately sighed as he saw almost six floors of cells. Weavile chuckled and said, “I remember doing the same thing when I came here. Lookin’ at all those stairs. Kind of makes ya dizzy don’t it?” He motioned for Banette to follow, and they began climbing up the stairs. Actually, “climb” was an understatement. Weavile was darting up the stairs as Banette struggled to keep up. They may be the same size, but Weavile was definitely more agile. He finally came to a stop in front of a worn-out looking cell. “This is it.” He stated rather proudly. Banette, panting stood to the side, as Weavile opened the door.
“Top bunk’s mine.” Weavile declared as he jumped up on top. Banette walked in and sat down on the bottom bed, and took a minute to analyze his surroundings. The cell was nothing special; just a simple four-walled room. The left side wall had a table, and the wall forward was where the beds were put up against. Pretty bland after that, the paint was dark from dust and was chipping at some places, there was no carpet or stone floor or anything, just a bare, rough floor that felt like walking on rocks and the mattress was like sleeping on plastic.
It was the most uncomfortable thing Banette had ever attempted to sleep on. He eventually laid down on the bed, putting his hands behind his head, and looked up to see the top bunk’s bottom right over his face. Great he thought.
Weavile’s head popped up from the side of the top bunk, upside down though. Banette turned to meet his eyes and Weavile blurted, “Sorry ‘bout earlier. In this place, you gotta look tough. That way, nobody’s gonna mess with you. If I jumped for joy and yelled, ‘Yay!’ when he said you was my partner, I would’ve probably got a knife in the back... If you follow me.” Banette nodded, and Weavile hopped down from the top bunk. Banette straightened up and sat in his bed, and Weavile propped himself next to him. “That’s the first rule: Always look tough.” Weavile said.
He continued, “Second rule: Don’t mess with anybody unless they mess with you. You don’t want an ass-whooping your first day here, do ya?” Banette shook his head and he nodded for Weavile to continue. “Third rule: Always carry protection. Just in case you get into a fight, make sure you got a weapon to end it fast” He got up for a moment and reached for something under the table, and then tossed it to Banette.
“What’s this?” Banette asked. The object looked like a small machete, with a weathered point- not too sharp, but sharp enough to cause some pain, or even blood. It had a small, dark handle, with a perfect grip.
“It’s called a shank. Small-sized knife basically. Carry it with ya at all times. You don’t know how many times it’s saved my sorry ass. Most of the time, you won’t even need to use it. Just pulling it out is usually enough to intimidate someone into backing down.” Weavile paused, and then hesitated before saying, “Sometimes, though, you gotta cause some bloodshed, if ya get me.”
“Yeah, I get it.” Banette mumbled. Weavile nodded and reached into his pocket, pulling out his shank, and held the handle in between two fingers letting the weapon dangle, saying “Don’t think I’m singlin’ you out. You’ll find out that most people carry some sort of protection with ‘em. You don’t look that tough, but for all I know, you could actually be a real fighter.” Banette observed Weavile’s shank and noticed he could see dried blood on it. He shuddered.
Weavile chuckled at this and said, “If ya gonna shudder at dry blood, then damn boy you’re gonna be throwin up by the time you see a real scuffle here.” He looked towards the door leading to the yard and said, “These fellas take that type o’ shit real serious. You better watch out.”
Weavile then sat down at the table and began doing something, but Banette was too busy lost in his mind to notice. Damn it. How the hell am I going to survive?
“Hey, kid!!” Weavile yelled. Banette snapped back to reality and blinked before looking at Weavile. “Zoned out there for a sec. Thought I lost ya.” Banette looked to Weavile’s hands and saw that he was holding a deck of cards. He pulled the table out. “Wanna play Blackjack?” asked Weavile. Banette shrugged and nodded, sitting down on the seat. He squirmed around for a bit, and Weavile said, “These chairs really suck, don’t they? I remember my butt getting’ sore the first week or so I tried to sit on ‘em. Get used to it after a while.”
He handed the deck to Banette. “Here, deal the cards. I already shuffled.” Banette began dealing them, and he couldn’t believe it but was actually kind of starting to feel at home. Sure, home wasn’t the word for it, but being in the presence of Weavile made him feel like he couldn’t be hurt. It made him feel happy, but anxious at the same time.
“So, kid.” Weavile said. Banette was beginning to get annoyed at that and said, “My name’s Banette.” Weavile looked up and nodded, continuing. “So, err... Banette. What was it exactly that you did to get yourself locked up?”
Oh God thought Banette. Here it goes. He swallowed, and said quietly, “Well, you see…”
That's it! What do you all think? I tried to take the stuff people said before and improve upon it.
Last edited by Pride; 8th May 2012 at 08:16 PM.
11th April 2012, 03:37 PM #12
First off, this chapter was much easier for me to read than the first one. Second, there are many tiny mistakes (the ones I've noticed, anyway) so you better proofread your chapter better posting it here or try finding a beta. As for the chapter itself, eh, it was interesting. The fact that Pokémon would battle in prison with knives with no actual, like, moves or attacks kinda baffles me but I guess their powers are restricted so there's not much they can do about it. But that doesn't quite give me the PMD-y feeling. ^^;
I did, however, really like the introduction of "The Fall of Fires" event. It felt really monumental to me and I kinda hope it plays a role in the plot since I like the sound of it. I also really like how Weavile only acted tough in front of the audience, got me tricked there for a sec as I thought he was going to be this jerk type of cellmate. xD
But now I simply want to know what Banette actually did. I hope he gets out of the prison soon.
And yeah, I'll keep reading, of course.
11th April 2012, 04:42 PM #13
The First Homunculus
Thank you. Oh, don't worry, the Fall of Fires will be a BIG part of this story.
This isn't really based on PMD. It's kind of like our society today, but in the roles of Pokémon instead. Hope this helps.
If by errors you mean Weavile's speech, then I did that on purpose. It's to kind of make the dialogue realistic. Prison inmates don't really have good grammar, if you get me.
Anyways, not gonna spoil anything else for you. Thanks for saying your going to continue on reading. It really motivates me.
11th April 2012, 08:50 PM #14
nice start! your description is good, and the characters are rather interesting. i like the weavile xD.
there are some grammar mistakes here and there, but i have to admit, the second chapter is better than the first. the first chapter was kind of bland in explaining, but the second chapter is starting to get into the main part of the story (i'm guessing). i'm kind of hoping for some action to start. maybe a jail break or there's going to be a second fall of fires.
the chapters are kind of lacking in length, but i guess there isn't really a lot to add mostly. i sometimes combine chapters if they kind of go along with each other, despite having a cliffhanger.
other than that, i'll look forward to another chapter. can't wait to see what will happen!
12th April 2012, 03:54 AM #15
Clarion of Revelations
This chapter was definitely easier to read than the first. However, something kept nagging me throughout the chapter. For supposedly being the most high-security prison in the world, the prisoners sure get left on their own a lot. Banette is left to himself to go see the warden, inmates are left loitering in a yard when their day's work is done, there are no guards escorting Weavile and Banette back to their cells...and Weavile even has a weapon in his pocket, practically in plain sight. There might be guards and cameras everywhere, but that still seems like an awful lot of freedom, especially if this is where pokemon who have committed only the most heinous crimes are sent for life.
Other than that, I really liked this chapter. Weavile is shaping up to be an excellent character, and the Fall of Fires event is a great backstory. I'm looking forward to reading more
Also, I'm going to make the first wild mass guess of the fic - Dusknoir was part of the band that orchestrated the Fall of Fires, and the Hypno that was on his jury is the boss.
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