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  1. #16
    The one and only! :3 Samwin's Avatar
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter three: Icarus}

    I have to agree, this is one of the most interesting fics I have encountered for a while! :D I look forward to seeing where you take this :)

    ~Immortal Sin~
    "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."

    Arthur Conan Doyle



    http://z13.invisionfree.com/Rainbow_Starworld/index.php?act=idx

  2. #17
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter three: Icarus}

    All right, I read the chapters a couple of days later but better late than never right xD

    I think this chapter did a good job on expanding from the last one, we got to see more of our still unknown protagonist (has he named been mentioned? I might've forgotten) as well as Icarus, we got to learn more about Icarus such as the fact he can actually speak...sort of, I wouldn't thrust wikipedia :p nah I'm just kidding I was actually surprised that you used that little note about crows, which makes it more ingenious since you're also incorporating things from real life so as to expand on it, that always helps.

    You know what I like about your story, it's a good cross between serious and funny, like it's supposed to be a serious situation I mean the protagonist is on the run now and he's with a Pokemon that could kill him at any second, but still manages to be freaking hilarious so it creates a good and at the same time fitting contrast, I don't know if I could call it dark humor but something like that yeah.

  3. #18
    BABY MURKROW ♡ Crystalanachrony's Avatar
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter three: Icarus}

    Okay, firstly: I would like to thank you for thinking of a Murkrow of all Pokémon to give to her as a starter. They're actually my favourite Pokémon, and pretty much never get any appreciation in anything, so having a badass one like Icarus walking around just makes me all happy inside. c:

    Aside from that, I'm enjoying the rest of the story as well. You've really set up a compelling take on the Pokémon world; it's not uncommon for writers to use "dark Pokémon planet" as their setting, but few actually put in the effort of thinking about what makes it so dark, and your magnetism thing is very cool and original. (Hopefully we will learn more about the other Regions and how they've responded to the crisis!) I also like how Team Rocket is putting in the effort to at least appear nice to the people of Johto, unlike in some other productions where they would just run the place into the ground and laugh about it. I think you've succeeded with the dark humor you've put in, for the most part; it's very hard to get the timing right, especially for cynical senses of humor like our protag's, and I can definitely appreciate the stuff in here so far.

    So overall... really good job so far! You've clearly put a lot of thought and effort into making this world, and it doesn't hurt that you included my favourite Pokémon of all time either. Definitely looking forward to more.

  4. #19
    .______. Elysia's Avatar
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter four: Gaia}






    iv. gaia




    “Sentret, sentret, pidgey!”

    My murkrow could talk, and while we’d gotten past the fears-of-murder phase decently enough, I realized that, now that I wasn’t terrified for my life, I wanted nothing more than to make him shut up. More on that in a second. As we trudged through the endless forest, I was slowly beginning to understand the seemingly-simple concept that life without electricity sucked.

    You’d think that, for a nation whose power grid could be taken down so easily, we’d have put together some precautions for the magnetic apocalypse. As far as I knew, we didn’t have any: there’d been tornado drills back in the flatlands of Goldenrod, but I’d never taken any classes on, say, how to build a fire using a pile of rotten leaves and some sticks.

    I made a mental note to self to obtain a fire-type pokémon as fast as possible, which would be—

    “Pidgey, sentret, pidgey, pidgey!”

    —seeing as Icarus was taking the liberty of listing every pokémon he saw from his perch on my back, and apparently there was a whopping total of two species of pokémon out here, it might be a while. Add to that the fact that Icarus seemed liable to murder things he didn’t like, and it was quite possible that I would spend my time freezing to death.

    Which would probably suck, because winter was coming, to quote Ned Staraptor.

    “Sentret, pidgey!” Icarus offered unhelpfully.

    As it turned out, in addition to making me terrified for my life, marking me as an enemy of the government, and taking far too much pleasure in violence, Icarus enjoyed pissing me off.
    The only thing more chilling than Icarus’s incessant chatter—“Master, sentret, pidgey, sentret! Pidgey, pidgey!”—would be the silence. And there was plenty of silence to be had. Even the pokémon in the depths of the route between New Bark Town and whatever town lay ahead were silent. It was like they all knew that something terrible had happened this day, something that required their own silence out of fear. The only sounds were the occasional shuffling of talons from the branches above our heads and the dry crunch of my own feet on the loamy earth of the route. Every pokémon, it seemed, knew to hold its breath to see how the world would react to this horrible event.

    “Pidgey, pidgey, sentret, pidgey!”

    Every pokémon except mine. Icarus was quite pleased with his ability to talk once he discovered that it annoyed me to no end, and he dug his talons into my shoulder and proceeded to caw out as much obnoxious, inane information as he could. We quickly settled into a routine: I would try to punch him off my shoulder and then prepare to defend myself in case he lunged for my eyes; he would nimbly dodge my attack and shut up for five steps; he would begin cheerfully spouting rubbish; I would try to punch him on the shoulder. Rinse and repeat.

    I sighed. “Do you see anything else, Icarus?” I asked. It was a purely rhetorical question; I could see the retreating tawny feathers and sable fur with my own eyes quite clearly as we walked.

    “Team Rocket,” he replied nonchalantly.

    I tensed instantly, fingers curling into fists as I felt adrenaline start pumping into my legs at a million miles per hour. I could probably run into the forest before their psychics caught sight of me; otherwise, trying to run from a police force that could teleport would mean instant death. If I made it into the undergrowth, I could probably try to stay hidden until they—

    “Hah!” Icarus crowed, spreading his wings wide and flapping around so he could better project his reedy voice into my face. “Kidding!”

    —I was midway through charting out the least-painful trajectory through a nearby bush when his words sunk in. My eyes warily narrowed, and I let my gaze dart through the dark trees, wondering if there were agents lurking behind the branches.

    My murkrow, however, made a harsh croaking sound that could pass for a laugh. “Look on Master’s face absolutely priceless!”

    I grit my teeth to keep myself from cursing violently, and then I released the breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding. “Don’t do that,” I said tightly.

    Icarus returned to his perch on my shoulder, and I could feel his talons sinking into the threadbare fabric of my backpack. “Why not?”

    “Because Team Rocket is actually a threat, Icarus.” I tried to be patient. Really, I did. But the organization-government-dictatorship that ran my country wanted me dead, the electrical infrastructure was in shambles, and I was trying to explain politics and strategy to a talking bird. A talking bird that was supposed to be extinct.

    Yeah, today was a little weird, but I was learning to cope.

    The murkrow pumped out his chest a little, baring the tufts of black feathers beneath his neck. “Icarus protect Master,” he said proudly. “Why fear? Icarus not afraid of men in coats.”

    I was trying to explain politics and strategy to a talking bird that was supposed to be extinct, I told myself. Nothing to see here. “Look, we just need to avoid them. They don’t like you because you’re—” what the heck was I even supposed to say? “—they just don’t like you because of the kind of pokémon you are, I guess, and they’re going to kill us for that if they can.”

    “Bird? Forest full of bird.”

    No, it would’ve been perfectly fine if he’d been a flying-type. I felt a flash of pity for my murkrow: he probably hadn’t seen another dark-type pokémon before, and he certainly didn’t know why people might fear him. “You’re what they call a dark-type. They don’t like dark-types.”

    “Icarus still not afraid of men in coats,” he repeated, as if I were missing something crucial.

    “Well, Master is afraid of the men in coats,” I snapped back. “And they don’t like you because you’re a dark-type, and they don’t like me because you’re my starter, which means that we’re apparently really close to one another, so we’re going to avoid them.” Hopefully that would keep it simple enough.

    “But men in coats okay with birds?”

    “Yes, Icarus.” I tried to be patient. Really, I did. But I was starting to get a little stressed with how all of this was turning out. “But they don’t like you or me, even if you are a bird, okay?”

    Icarus gave what might’ve been a disappointed sight. “Okay,” he huffed, and then he fell silent.

    Thank Arceus. With that out of the way—

    “Pidgey, pidgey, sentret!”

    “Icarus, I swear to—”

    “Caterpie!” he shouted, suddenly more violent than normal, at which point he launched himself off of my backpack, talons extended, toward a nearby branch.

    There was that kind of edge in his voice that he tended to have when he wanted to murder things, so I my guard went up fast. “Icarus, you get back here right now!”

    The murkrow ignored me, of course—like I had expected anything different—and continued to wheel around the tree. He dipped out of sight for a moment and then shot like an arrow back to me, inky black feathers almost invisible among the branches.

    “Icarus!” I shouted, right before I remembered that shouting would probably be a horrible idea in my dastardly scheme of not drawing attention to myself.

    My murkrow flapped back laboriously to me, something struggling in his claws, and then he released his burden and swept back around to perch on a branch in front of me so I could better see his prize. “Caterpie,” Icarus said proudly.

    Indeed, in front of me was a very stunned caterpie. Its buggy eyes, large, white, and bulging, stared vacantly off into space for a minute, and then it righted itself with a soft squelching sound, its suction cup-legs searching for traction on the damp ground. Pink antennae twitched in fear as it slowly focused on me.

    I turned away at first, intending to leave without looking back. Having one new pokémon was bad enough. Adding another one, and a caterpie at that, wasn’t part of my plan. I had no means of capturing it anyway because my pokéballs were broken, Icarus was likely to rip apart the caterpie if I even tried, and on top of that caterpie weren’t all that powerful. I didn’t want to sound like some sort of jerk who only cared about strong pokémon, but I knew enough about bugs to know that caterpie weren’t all that impressive. Caterpie were weak, picked apart by birds like Icarus, and evolved into slightly better versions of themselves that could—

    “Fly,” Icarus said calmly, jabbing at the caterpie with his talons and then back at himself. “Caterpie.”

    The leafy-green bug shied away, and I realized just how smart my bird was. Caterpie weren’t the most powerful bugs, but they evolved into flying-types. Flying-types like xatu, or, more pressingly, murkrow.

    “I thought you were afraid I was going to replace you?” Oh, well done, I mentally congratulated myself. Let’s shoot ourselves in the foot while we’re at it, shall we?

    The murkrow cocked his head to one side, beady red eyes narrowing as he studied me. “Caterpie weak,” he said, judging my reaction carefully. “I not afraid Master try to replace.”

    When he said it so bluntly, actually, I sounded like some sort of jerk who only cared about strong pokémon. “What if I did?”

    “Master says afraid of Team Rocket because starter is dark.”

    “I’m not going to raise a caterpie, Icarus.” Team Rocket wasn’t exactly friendly to bug-types, either, now that I thought about it.

    Icarus made that sighing sound again, as if he were being incredibly patient enduring simple conversation with yours truly. “Pretend caterpie is Master’s starter.”

    That would be—

    Brilliant.

    As much as I hated to admit it, Icarus had done something brilliant. I could catch the caterpie and pass it off as my starter. I could say that the xatu had told me I was destined to be a powerful flying-type trainer, and I, a dumb kid, had seen this very obvious black flying-type on the road and captured it to complete my specialized team of awesomeness. What, it was a murkrow? Murkrow weren’t seen in the wild because they’d mostly been killed off after the Rockets came to power? How was I supposed to know that—my pokédex broke, and I had no idea why! What was a dark-type? Rebellion? Me? Never!

    Heck, if I wanted to, I could avoid starting a revolution altogether and actually believe that the xatu wanted me to specialize in flying-types. Maybe I could convince Icarus to let me capture a pidgey as well.

    “Learns psychic.”

    And he was still several steps ahead of me. Butterfree could use psychic-typed moves, which could at least buy me a few brownie points in the likely event that I had to explain why I had a murkrow. Still beaming, I reached into my backpack for an empty pokéball and aimed it at the downed caterpie. It stared back at me, large, beady eyes wider than normal. I would have had Icarus attack it, but it already looked battered up from its collision with the ground.

    In terms of first pokémon captures, this one was quite lame. I didn’t care. I had a pokémon that wouldn’t mark me as a terrorist if I used it as my starter. I pressed the center of the pokéball to expand it.

    Nothing happened.

    Right.

    Icarus cackled again, this time making no effort to keep it to himself, and I silently fumed. Of course my pokéballs wouldn’t work. No one’s would.

    Yeah, life without electricity was probably going to get brutal after I finished freezing to death. If anything, though, failing to capture the caterpie only cemented my fears—previously, I could delude myself into believing that life was still fairly normal and the power grid wasn’t down and Goldenrod wasn’t in crisis mode, but now, with the dead pokéball in my hand, I knew that that wasn’t the case. This was all happening.

    “Piii?”

    And now the stupid bug seemed to be laughing at me along with my murkrow. All of my previous joy started to simmer away.

    “Stupid female,” Icarus said, flapping from my shoulder and landing on the ground between me and the caterpie. At first, I thought he was talking to me, but he kept his beady gaze fixed upon the caterpie. He cawed at it—no, I realized, her—again in a mixture of some sort of pokémon-conversational-language and English, and she nodded happily. “Stupid female wishes to accompany Master on own accord,” he concluded. “Not need pokéball.”

    I crouched down so that I was somewhat level with the caterpie. She waved her pink antennae cheerfully at me, and I could have sworn that she was smiling despite the general lack of mouth. “You want to come with me?” I could hardly believe my luck. I mean, caterpie weren’t known for their bellicose natures, and I hardly expected them to be super-belligerent and resist capture, and if it came to it I could probably just pick up the caterpie and carry her around Johto, but at the same time, it was nice not to have to resort to kidnapping this early on in my adventure.

    “Pi!”

    I stood there for a moment, two roads dangling in front of me for yet another time this day. But there was a way out, if I was careful with my facade. “I’m supposed to have a dangerous path ahead of me,” I said at last. “You don’t mind?”

    “Pi.” She shook her head and then returned to nibbling at the grass. She didn’t seem like the warring type, which was nice. I had a hunch that Icarus would be bad enough.

    “And you don’t mind either,” I added, turning to look meaningfully at Icarus. The last thing I needed was for the little blighter to change his mind and murder my caterpie in a couple of hours.

    “Caterpie make better company than Master,” he said proudly, picking at a bit of dirt between his talons with his abnormally-large beak. “Master head full of air sometimes. Caterpie make nice conversation.” He paused and thought about something. “Also, nice not to be chased by men in coats.” Another pause. “But I not afraid of men in coats either, so that matter less.”

    I didn’t have any brilliant strikes of naming ideas, and there wasn’t much by way of inspiration. The forest around us was filled with flying-types. Yes, they were mainly sentret and pidgey, as Icarus proudly informed me every five seconds, but I could probably try to catch one. Or, more accurately, I could try to catch one if Icarus wasn’t scaring away all of the wildlife in the immediate area with his oh-so-dulcet tones. But it didn’t matter. Without working pokéballs, catching pokémon became exponentially more difficult. I could probably tie one up, sure, but I had no rope and I wasn’t exactly in the kidnapping mood. Most of the pokémon on my team for a while would have to be the ones stupid enough to join a totally-not-aspiring-terrorist-to-be.

    But for the time being, I had a caterpie that was stupid enough to follow me. She suctioned her way on to my arm—it felt a little strange, and her feet were a lot colder than I’d expected—and looked at me with wide eyes while I looked back. “Last chance,” I said finally. If Icarus and I were going to go down in flames, I was going to feel a little guilty bringing something as helpless as a caterpie down with me.

    But if I had the chance, which would probably be never, I was definitely going to catch a couple or twelve of the local birds. Preferably a hoothoot or two. I’d heard that they had minor psychic powers as well, and that would really help with the non-threatening-non-rebelling vibe that I needed to develop. But without pokéballs, I’d have a hard time making sure they even stayed with me, and then there was the issue of carrying everyone. If they were all going to camp out on my backpack, I wouldn’t be able to lift the thing soon enough. I would have to make do with Icarus and then my caterpie. My caterpie and then Icarus, actually, if I was going to pretend that the xatu had never given me a murkrow to begin with.

    The name came to me then. “Your name is Gaia.” The first. The foundation. The roots of the earth.

    “Piii,” the caterpie replied solemnly, and the murkrow bowed his head.

    Our foundation was made of lies, of course, but that was a matter for a different day.


    Last edited by Elysia; 12th December 2013 at 10:41 PM.

  5. #20
    Wordsmith Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter four: Gaia}

    A quiet chapter, this is a first for you @Elysia eh? You're getting better, I'm sure of it. Still very coy about where this is all going, and as usual I don't see that as a weakness. I can see that you're thinking about practical matters - the coming winter, for example - and I'll be curious to see how the rest of Johto is coping without electricity.

    A rare moment of well, very nearly warmth at the end of this chapter. It's a nice change, I rather liked this line

    The first. The foundation. The roots of the earth.
    I'm hoping this means a little more attachment ... it would be sweet if that little Caterpie became a firm companion. Don't pander to me, mind ;)

    Oh, yes, and I did have A Song of Ice and Fire in mind when I referenced Commander Mormont's raven (Dead! Dead, dead! Corn)

  6. #21
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter four: Gaia}

    Well I have to say the comedy was actually top notch here. I like the fact that our nameless protagonist has added a new Pokemon to her party, though I did laugh my ass off when I read Icarus's reasoning as to why it allowed a Caterpie in the team but not a Pidgey, and I like Gaia...she's really deep and knows what she's talking about *shot*

    Not much to say since it was a short chapter, except I do hope the story moves a bit more in the next one, they've been in the forest for about three chapters after all.

    Also here are my notes point by point in regards to how I judged this fic in the awards and why I think it deserved best dark

    Before I give out my rankings for this I wanna clear up the fact that I’m only going to be judging the story based on what’s known now, I won’t point out things that should be done since the story is only 3 chapters and one prologue long as of right now so there’s too many missing spaces for me to give it a more critical judgment.

    Plot 8/10: While the story is just starting we can make a pretty good idea of what the plot is going to be about, Elysia does a great work of introducing an interesting and basic plot that can actually get you interested and wondering how it’ll evolve. There’s still not much known about what’s going to happen or how it will but it’s one of those plots that leaves you expecting impatiently.

    Setting 9/10: Set in a post-apocalyptic Johto I think that the setting is what really stands out from this story. It isn’t the first time I read a setting like this but it’s much more than just that, Elysia exposes on how things turned out to be like that in a way that makes it interesting and engaging and all the things that she adds to it makes it unique in turn. It’s a setting that, much like its plot, leaves you guessing and expecting more to come from it.

    Characterization 9/10: So far we only have one core character and we don’t even know his name…and yet it works, we are able to dwell into his mind and his thoughts as he faces these ordeals, and while we don’t know his name we get to learn what his personality is and it’s very interesting and intriguing. He’s a flawed character as well as a fish out of water, someone that doesn’t think of himself as special and is happy that way suddenly being special is a very interesting concept and I want to see how he deals with all of this.

    Style 9/10: Elysia’s style is very fitting and it helps get the story across pretty well, it’s rare to see a first person fic, by that I mean there aren’t that many and there aren’t many that are done really well. So far this has been done pretty well and it’s thanks to her own writing style.

    Grammar 8/10: While her story is pretty clean there are a couple of mistakes here and there in some chapters, but they manage to not detract you from the story as a whole.

    Overall I think this story has a lot of places to go, it’s just starting and it started on a good note and there’s a lot of things that could happen, though what will happen is something that is still unrevealed.

    So I’ll give this story a 82 out of 100, again based on what’s currently being offered rather than what is missing.

  7. #22
    .______. Elysia's Avatar
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter five: argentum}

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    v. argentum




    “Morning, Master!”

    “Piii.”

    “Go away.”

    I moaned and tried to roll over, only to find that I’d successfully rolled onto a large root and was ingesting a face full of dirt and tree bark. See, in an ideal world, I’d have slept in a pokémon center, on a pokémon center bed, with a pokémon center hot breakfast waiting for me after I used the pokémon center shower and—

    It was morning, though, and time for me to wake up and smell the metaphorical coffee. I had to get moving, an idea that was complicated because my back hurt like the blazes from its not-so-enjoyable stay on hard ground. I sat up. Slowly. Then, I stood up and put on my backpack, and that was about as much effort as I put into breaking camp.

    Given that my camp consisted of my backpack and a knobbly tree—a camp choice I was starting to regret, since I smelled like knobbly tree and had a killer backache now—it wasn’t exactly for lack of trying.

    Icarus fluttered around my head cheerfully, nipping at my ears as I began, somewhat irritated, to comb my fingers through my hair and make a braid, more out of neatness than for beauty. It wasn’t like anyone was watching, anyway, and I was having serious doubts about the availability of wilderness showers. “It’s six in the morning,” I grumbled, glancing up at the sky, which was markedly too-bright for any time before ten. It didn’t really matter; my pokémon couldn’t exactly tell time.

    “Morning, Master!” Icarus repeated cheerfully, and I bit back a sigh.

    “Piii,” Gaia said, looking mournful and resigned, and I started having reservations about dragging her into this again.

    I made a mental note that today was going to be a perfectly normal day. We were going to wander around the forest for a while, get lost, maybe find a few more bird-pokémon to add to our totally-not-a-threat-bird-pokémon-troupe, and generally do what a trainer was supposed to do. No extinct dark-types, no magnetic apocalypse. That was for yesterday. Today—




    “What do you mean, she doesn’t like battling?”

    Icarus made an upward motion with his wings that might’ve been a shrug, and then he resumed flapping around the treebranches and cackling maniacally. “Gaia not violent like you and me. Surprise?”

    Fast forward a couple of hours, where I was still untangling clumps of dirt from my braid and trying to convince my pokémon to do some battling so I could see what they could do. Icarus, unsurprisingly, enjoyed attacking whatever he could find, and did a decent job of keeping the destruction down to gentle mauling when I yelled at him, so there was that.

    Gaia, on the other hand, had taken three wiggle-steps into the clearing, waited for a rattata to come out, and then frozen, pink antennae darting back and forth. The caterpie, it seemed, was a pacifist—which, while a relief after the murderous murkrow, wasn’t quite what I had in mind for my deadly not-starter.

    “Piii!” she called out, still staring at the rattata carefully, unmoving. “Piiiii!”

    I sighed. “Icarus?” I could’ve never afforded translation devices for all of my pokémon, short of my pokédex, but everything was shorted out, still, so it wasn’t like those would’ve been useful anyway. I was starting to doubt how easy things would be with Icarus, though.

    “She say violence unnecessary!” the murkrow called out, and I could almost detect a smirk in his voice. He alighted back on my shoulder, eyes glinting dangerously. “I think she afraid. My turn?”

    “We’ll catch him and call him Ajax!” I called out encouragingly, but my caterpie refused to move, even as the rattata looked at her with mild confusion and then bared its sharp fangs.

    Icarus took off from my shoulder again and returned to circling overhead, a steady stream of narration mixed with expletives coming from his beak. “Ajax stupid name! Stupid name!”

    I felt, rather than saw, the gust of energy that knocked Icarus off my backpack. I spun around, eyes widening and adrenaline making me fully awake, but the murkrow caught himself before he slammed into a tree and managed to right himself with a few flaps of his inky wings, squawking indignantly all the while.

    “Nice shot, Dante. That bird finally shut up.”

    Half of me had guiltily been thinking the same thing, but the rest of that feeling was replaced with a twinge of alarm for my pokémon, and then myself when I realized I wasn’t alone. I whirled back around to see a trainer about my age with dark red hair that reached nearly to his shoulders—I vaguely wondered if he’d had a nice time sleeping with that in the dirt. He wore mostly white clothing, expensive by the looks of it, and an arrogant smirk that suited his pinched face far too well, and I decided then that I hated him, shortly after I realized that, holy crap, there was a trainer in the forest and he’d attacked my pokémon.

    But what was most threatening about the trainer was the pokémon hovering next to him, floating of its own accord with what I knew was telekinesis. If that was his starter, he was one of the Rocket’s chosen pets—it was a psychic type. The creature was short, about the size of a small child, but it sat in a meditating pose and kept its eyes tightly shut. Its tail, golden-brown, lashed through the air and was the only sign that it was conscious at all. Pointy triangular ears twitched occasionally, and if I hadn’t known better, I would have thought it was sleeping or dumb.

    But I did know better. Abra lived in the grass outside of Goldenrod where I grew up, and were devastatingly powerful when well trained. At first they abhorred violence and could only teleport, but this one seemed to have moved beyond that stage pretty quickly and was skilled enough to snipe Icarus from twenty feet away, where they were standing. And when they reached their final evolution, there were few pokémon, psychics or otherwise, that could hope to compete with them.

    Time to break the ice. “What was that for?” I tried to keep the fear I felt out of my voice. Had he been following me since yesterday? Shit, had he been watching me sleep?

    The boy smirked, one hand stroking the abra beside him like a Bond villain might stroke a persian. “Well, you know how the saying. When two trainers make eye contact, they have to battle.” And with that, he looked me squarely in the eyes, his dark brown gaze locking with my own.

    I decided then and there that “hate” was not an adequate term to express my feelings for this trainer. I held out my right arm, and Icarus fluttered over and landed on my wrist, narrowing his beady little eyes and glaring at the boy and his abra alongside me. “The whole of Johto is in crisis mode and you try to jump me so we can battle?”

    “Yeah.” He sounded like he meant it, too, speaking with a careless authority that came from years of getting his way.

    I didn't have time for this. I had a rebellion to not-start and a villainous team to avoid, and I wanted to get to Cherrygrove before nightfall so I didn't end up freezing to death without proper supplies. "That's cute. I'll be leaving now."

    "Dante, if you would be so kind."

    The abra moved faster than conscious thought, or at least faster than my conscious thought, and I found myself staring at its squinted eyes even as I tried to side-step the two of them. Teleportation. Of course. Just like the xatu. {My trainer asks you to battle. I ask you not to refuse.}

    "Mine declines," Icarus growled, flapping errant circles above my head. His talons flexed unconsciously, and I could tell that he was prepared to dig into the abra's throat, if it came to it. He seemed content to trade banter with the abra, though, although whether he was doing it to help me avoid a fight or for a closer shot at the golden pokémon remained up in the air. "We pass now."

    "It won't take too long," the trainer scoffed, lazily examining his fingers. "Dante can crush your petty little pokémon in an instant."

    Ass. "Thanks for the offer," I replied. I had to actively resist the urge to roll my eyes, and even then, it was close. "But we'll be leaving now. You know. Gotta get to town before the armageddon strikes again."

    This time the trainer himself moved to impede my path, throwing out a gloved hand and slamming it into my shoulder. I staggered back in surprise as he said, "Cute, but if you don't send out a pokémon soon, Dante here will pop your head like a zit."

    The abra hovered into my face again, eyes glowing menacingly, and I wondered if he'd actually meant it. Pokémon on human violence was rare, and trainers were forbidden to attack other trainers with their pokémon, but we were in the middle of a forest devoid of any witnesses save for the wind in the branches, and the rest of Johto was too busy with the magnetic apocalypse to care, anyways. Also, the kid was a Rocket-to-be or something, so violence probably ran in his blood.

    “I don’t believe you,” I retorted, eyebrows creasing into a frown. He wouldn’t dare.

    The boy raised an eyebrow, and the abra spun around, its three-fingered hand extended. Gaia had taken the opportunity to scuttle behind my legs at some point during our conversation, but the rattata was still there, scavenging among the grass and watching the proceedings with veiled interest.

    There was a burst of blue light, and suddenly the rattata was no longer there, but slumped at the base of a tree ten feet away, crumpled in a too-small ball with angles that were too unnatural to be healthy.

    HolyArceuswhat.

    “Piii!” Gaia shrieked, and fully hid herself behind my legs while I stared mutely at the rattata. If I squinted enough, I could almost see blood on the—

    I tried not to vomit.

    Icarus seemed unfazed by the violence. “Alas, poor Ajax! I knew him—” he began, and I didn’t even bother reprimanding him.

    The rattata was plastered to a tree.

    I mean, I hadn’t known it at all, but it was plastered to a tree. Was it even alive?

    “Shall we try this again?” he asked, and I realized about then how screwed we were. This kid was so full of it, and engaging him would be the stupidest thing I done all day, even if I had just woken up two hours ago. But my head had a happy and welcome place on my neck with all of its internal fluids, well, internal and not splattered across a tree. And besides. Dark-types beat psychic-types. Bug-types beat psychic-types. I had a legitimate shot at this.

    What part of plastered to a tree did I not understand, some rational part of my brain asked in frustration. It then suggested that we call the police and run.

    Except, wait, the police probably were already hunting me down. “Did you just kill—”

    “It’ll live,” he said shortly, which wasn’t exactly reassuring. “I can do the same to your other pokémon if you’re really that intent on ending this so quickly.”

    Plastered to a tree.

    “Ic—” No, I had to start using Gaia. If I leapt into battle with Icarus all the time, people would start getting suspicious. Especially trainers with psychic types who were probably destined to join the ranks of Team Rocket. And besides, even if I’d only picked up Gaia to cover for the xatu’s meddling, I didn’t want to neglect her. Butterfree were pretty nice to have around, but Gaia needed some experience to get there, and this was as good of a time as any. “Gaia, we can take him,” I lied. “You’re up.”

    “Piiii?” Gaia looked uncertain, but she obliged and began scooting out from behind me legs with all of the speed and finesse of a glob of mud. Her pink antennae twitched uneasily, and I could see her curling her green body into a smaller target, suction cups pulsating as she struggled for ground.

    “No,” the boy said, his lip curling in disgust as my caterpie finally made it forward. He gestured to the abra beside him. “We battle with our starters only, not some sort of piece of shit that someone decided to call a pokémon. I want to fight that murkrow.”

    My response was immediate and sounded only halfway like a lie. “What’s a murkrow?”

    He smirked.

    I tried a different approach. “The murkrow’s not my starter. The caterpie is. And you aren’t allowed to choose what pokémon I use.” Too late, I realized that he had insulted Gaia, but I had other problems on my mind.

    The boy snorted and rolled his eyes in disbelief. “Even if I didn’t watch the xatu give you that murkrow yesterday morning, you can’t tell a lie to save your life.” When I didn’t move, his smirk only widened. “We battle with our starters,” he repeated. “I want to fight your murkrow.”

    “And if I refuse?” I probably shouldn’t have asked, but I was feeling daring and he was starting to piss me off. Starting was a lie, actually; he'd pissed me off quite a while ago. I didn’t have time for this. I wanted to reach Cherrgrove before nightfall, and I needed to reach Goldenrod as soon as possible. My mother—

    What part of plastered to a tree—

    “Then I report to Proton that I’ve found the kid with the dark-type starter. They’re looking for you; a couple of agents can’t be too far out.”

    “Report to Proton?” I asked numbly. “Why would you—oh.” The red hair. The dark and expensive clothing. The perfect psychic-type pokémon. The entitlement. The violence. “You’re Giovanni’s kid.”

    Of course he'd have an abra as a starter. They evolved into nigh-unstoppable psychics, and the heir of Team Rocket would, naturally, get no less. I assumed that he'd been stuck with an abra only because Mewtwo wasn't a legal starter.

    He did a mock bow, his dark red hair falling into his eyes, but I could see hatred burning there, and contempt. I didn’t know for whom or what. “Codename Silver, the one and only.”

    The Rockets didn’t give their real names, although I didn’t know why not—it wasn’t like they faced any sort of opposition. Most of the higher ranks claimed to operate under codenames, although I preferred to pretend that their parents were stupid enough to name their kids stupid things like ‘Proton’ or ‘Petrel.’ Or here, ‘Silver.’

    Heh. I toyed with the idea of giving myself a badass codename. Something awesome, like Crobatman or the Green Lanturn or—

    But in all seriousness, Mr. Codename-freaking-Silver was the last person I wanted to see in the forest. I took a step backwards. This was bad. I’d been hoping to evade Team Rocket for at least a day. I wanted to get a trainer card up at Cherrygrove, preferably one that listed Gaia as my starter; with the records down, they’d have no choice but to believe me, especially if I managed to convince Icarus to keep his mouth shut while I was registering. But if Silver knew who and where I was, it would only take a matter of time before the rest of Team Rocket found me as well. “Why are you battling me?” I asked. Stalling for time, really. Half of my mind was searching for a way to keep him quiet. Bribery wouldn’t work; he was too rich for that and I too poor, but maybe—

    He took his hand from the golden fur of his abra and folded his arms in front of his chest. “The xatu thought you were special.”

    “No, he didn’t.” My response there was automatic as well, even as my strange conversation with the bird replayed itself in my mind.

    “He gave you a murkrow,” Silver retorted calmly, leveling that icy glare toward me once again. “Clearly that means something, and I want to see what potential he saw in you that he didn’t see in me.”

    “Oh, yes, not getting your way for once must kill you,” I retorted, even though I could feel the metaphorical thin ice beneath me. I risked a glance over my shoulder, wondering if I could scoop up Gaia and run for it. Icarus would follow, but where would we run? The forest stretched on for miles, from what I could see, and I didn’t want to try outrunning him. I probably couldn’t, and his abra could teleport. “I didn’t ask for anything special. I don’t want to threaten Team Rocket.”

    Silver laughed humorlessly. “You think I care? You think I’m going to go blabbing back to father about the ickle little trainer on the road with her pathetic bird?” When I didn’t respond, the smile faded from his face, and I caught a glimpse of that hatred again. “I don’t run around for them like a pet. They’re a bunch of idiots, and they don’t know what you look like or where you are,” he snarled. His voice had suddenly turned harsh. “And all I had to do to find out was follow you, but they botched that one up. You don’t threaten us, anyways. The xatu thought you were special, and the second you got your starter, Johto went to hell. I believe in fate. I want to see why.”

    Someone clearly had daddy issues. “Fine.” On my wrist, Icarus bristled at the insults. I nodded curtly at him. This conversation was over, and if I wasn't going to be allowed to leave until we pounded him and his stupid abra into the ground, then so be it. “Icarus, he’s all yours.”


    Last edited by Elysia; 13th December 2013 at 07:08 PM.

  8. #23
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter five: argentum}

    Well this chapter really was kind of a game changer. I didn't expect to see Silver, though I guess I shouldn't be surprised now should I? he seems really interesting though and a bit different from the games. I really loved the protagonist's narration in her head in this chapter, especially the splattered to a tree running gag, it was really funny.

    I do wonder what will happen now, the way I see it either Icarus and our main character will grow closer or Icarus will get splattered to a tree...or maybe Abra will be his lunch.

  9. #24
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter five: argentum}

    This may be a bit late, considering you have posted a few chapters since then and I have not had time to read, but here are my thoughts from the latest awards round.

    A lot of my judgement was based on the potential that this story has and not necessarily the current chapters, purely as you are still quite early in the story but even in the first few chapters you manage to paint a very interesting picture of this dystopian Johto that is quite captivating. Your world is very unique as well as your style of writing and the your use of characters, and it is clear you have put a lot of thought into making this a very real and interesting world. Spelling and grammar was decent, but the occasional jarring error so watch out for those when proofreading, though I know how hard it is to find mistakes sometimes. The plot so far is interesting, but like I said, there will need to be a few more chapters before it is properly laid out and I can see how things are going. With terms of the thought patterns of our main character, she thought about the same things several times in those few chapters, which made things a bit repetitive, so I would recommend finding new chains of thought for her to travel down on rather than have her re-think about the same things constantly. Also, I am not sure if the magnetic field/aurora borealis things are going to be important later on, but they did feel a bit random/'get out of plothole-jail free', so maybe expand those elements more so they don't feel quite so out of place. But this is a great story, hopefully by the time of the next Awards in a few months there will be more to work on: there is a lot of potential here, your story is very imaginative, but I would suggest bringing your bigger picture in sooner/crafting your big plot so we can see what you are working with :) I can happily expand on these at any point.

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

  10. #25
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter five: argentum}

    I think I should say now, that you do first person narration rather well, @Elysia. Your writing is definitely getting smoother with time - if that's down to the extra time it took to write a post, so much the better. I've got to be honest, I didn't expect the Protagonist to keep my attention, but she(?) does, so well done, you. Might have already mentioned this, but don't be afraid to have a little more warmth in. It'll give the dark moments more meaning, and give your story a more adult voice

  11. #26
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter five: argentum}

    I finished all the chapters a few days ago, and figured it would be nice of me to post a response.

    I really like your setting, and I personally think that's the best element in this story. Even though I haven't read a lot of fan fiction, yours is the only one I've seen so far that portrays a dictatorship and a very unqiue way of how Johto is run. I thought that the way trainers received their first Pokémon was neat, and certainly original.

    As for your characters, I like them all, especially Icarus. Even though the rest of the world portrays him as a blood-thirsty, murder-machine, he's hysterical. On the flip-side, Gaia is completely opposite from Icarcus, but the combination of the two work really well. Your unnamed protagonist intrigues me, and I'm quite curious to see how she is going to handle her destiny.

    I think someone mentioned this before, but I'll put it in here anyways: my only suggestion is your pacing. It's a bit slow for my taste; by chapter five, she really hasn't gotten too far. Although, she did catch a Caterpie.

    Overall I really love this story. I'm interested to see where you'll take it next!
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  12. #27
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter six: all that glitters}






    vi. all that glitters




    Clearly glad to get fighting at last, the murkrow leapt off my arm and took to the air in a flash of black feathers, cawing angrily. The joking drawl, the casual naming of the native pokémon to piss me off, the lazy flapping was all gone now, replaced with a beady crimson glare fit to kill beneath the feathered protrusions that formed his little top hat. It was almost cute, and then I remembered that this was still a murkrow, after all, and they travelled in flocks called murders for a reason.

    Across from us, Silver nudged his abra with a nod of his head, and the golden pokémon levitated forward as well, its eyes pressed firmly shut. It wasn’t sleeping, of course—they said it was a bad sign of you could see an abra with its eyes open, and I didn’t want to find out. Instead, it was focusing its latent psychic energy, a fact I’d picked up from living in Goldenrod my entire life. Psychic powers which, conveniently, would have no effect on Icarus.

    I was beginning to see why Team Rocket could view us as a threat.

    I opened my mouth to shout out an attack when I realized I didn’t know what moves Icarus knew. I’d figured out some of the local pokémon around Goldenrod, of course, but murkrow weren't native to anywhere, let alone my backyard. I’d ask him, but that would look dumb. I’d use my pokédex, but it didn’t work. Arceus. This whole ‘no technology’ thing wasn’t working out too well.

    We had to start somewhere, though. “Peck it like we practiced this morning.”

    Thankfully, Icarus seemed to know what I was talking about. He drew his wings close to his body and dive-bombed the abra, golden beak glinting in the sunlight.

    Silver raised an eyebrow. “Confusion.”

    What was he playing at? He of all people would know that abra’s psychic attacks wouldn’t have any effect on murkrow. I frowned, wondering if perhaps I had overestimated his skills, before his abra nodded, spread its hands out, and levitated the rocks around it with a flash of blue energy.

    Ah. Of course.

    “Icarus, pull out of there!” I shouted, and the murkrow barely swerved out of the way as the rocks around him rose into the air and began hurling themselves at him, almost of their own accord. I flinched. Dark-type or not, getting hit with a large boulder would still hurt. I was impressed against my will. Silver didn’t seem to be unnerved that I was using a pokémon absolutely immune to his starter’s attacks of choice, and he’d revealed a battle plan in the first few moments of our skirmish. A really successful battle plan.

    And I had no idea how to tell Icarus to fight back.

    “Swerve around. Get behind it!”

    This was just another reminder not to fight the Rockets, I told myself. They were smart. I might've had a murkrow that was immune to their primary form of attack, but the Rockets were more than just grunts. They'd found ways to check their weaknesses, even if I hadn't.

    Ideas: I could still run away while his abra was distracted and trust that Icarus would follow, and maybe I could use Gaia as a sort of pokémon-shield and then—

    I was also beginning to understand that I made really, really bad decisions under pressure.

    Icarus, meanwhile, began darting in and out of the abra’s range, flitting close to it before pulling out quickly and flying in from a different angle. He was faster than the abra, but barely; each time, the rocks and dust flying around crept a little closer to Icarus before he managed to get out, and he narrowly dodged a crushing death with every pass.

    He got the first hit off, a fleeting peck that was hardly more than a brush before he had to retreat again. But then he got another hit off, and another, and the abra’s attacks were slowing. I couldn't tell much from its face at all, frankly, and it kept its bland expression the whole time, but it seemed to be tiring.

    Icarus cackled victoriously. "Slow, slow, slow!"

    {Foolish,} came the calm reply.

    I allowed myself a small grin. Maybe I could—

    Silver didn’t seem amused. “Shock wave,” he said, his voice cool. “I’d like to see you dodge that.”

    Not only was his first pokémon an abra, but it was an abra that had already been taught special moves. It could do more than sleep, it could do more than teleport, and now it could do more than use psychic-type attacks. All of this from a starter that had been given out yesterday morning from a xatu that was supposed to distribute pokémon that were tame and completely untrained so that everyone could get an equal footing.

    Yet I got the murkrow and the heir of Team Rocket got the electricity-wielding abra. Silver's abra, I noted distractedly, also didn't seem to annoy him to no end by, say, listing names of wild pokémon or pestering Gaia all the time. If Icarus weren’t in direct danger, I’d be livid. The stacking unfairness of this whole journey was starting to weigh down on me. Fate was not on my side, and I was getting sick of it.

    Unfortunately for me, Icarus was in direct danger. The abra spread its paws apart, and a web of crackling blue electricity formed in the air around it. It pointed a stubby paw towards Icarus and released the fizzling lightning, arcs of blue light splitting from the fistful of energy that it held in its palm. {I shall not say this a third time, but you are both foolish.}

    “Dodge!”

    Icarus tried to dodge, folding his wings and dropping like a stone in a steep dive, but the lightning followed him, painting the air and the surrounded forest a washed-out blue. The murkrow squawked in pain as the shockwave hit his tail feathers and then coursed through his body, and I found myself wincing as he hit the dusty ground with a thud.

    I bit back a curse. “Icarus?” I asked tentatively. He lay on the ground in a limp heap of tangled feathers. “Icarus, are you okay?” One crimson eye cracked open.

    “One more should finish the job,” Silver said. Whatever interest he’d had during the battle had faded, and a bored expression was spread across his face. “Dante, do be so kind as to pick off the weakling, would you?”

    I couldn’t lose this battle now. I couldn’t. I was not coming this far and fleeing Team Rocket only to get beaten by some upstart, arrogant heir to their organization who had apparently started training on the same day I had and had effortlessly pounded us into a pulp and if we didn’t make it out alive he was going to kill us or worse. “Icarus. Get up.” I couldn’t keep the pleading note out of my voice, and Silver smirked. “Icarus?”

    The abra prepared another orb of electricity between its two paws and aimed at its downed target. Now that Icarus wasn’t flapping around like a bat out of hell, the abra had a much easier target.

    Silver looked up from a careful examination of his fingers. “Don’t take me the wrong way, but I was definitely expecting more out of you.” I didn’t bother responding to him. “I mean, if the xatu actually chose you to start some sweeping revolution—”

    “—he didn’t choose me,” I growled, teeth gritted. I wasn’t going to do anything stupid to get myself killed.

    “—I’d have thought that he would’ve picked someone actually competent to do the job.” Silver gave a mock sigh. “A pity, too, because your starter was the last starter that xatu will ever give out.”

    I felt a cold chill wrap around my heart. No.

    He smirked at the shocked expression that must have been spreading across my face. “Arianna killed the stupid bird herself. Didn’t even use her pokémon for it.” He looked up, those dark brown eyes of his glinting with perverse and savage satisfaction as he folded his arms across his chest. “Did you know that that xatu belonged to one of the trainers who took down the old government? It took out two of the old Elites by itself, fought zapdos alone to a draw, and helped tame Mewtwo. One almost had to wonder why it turned against us by doing something as stupid as helping you.” Silver’s smirk widened. “But as it turns out, that xatu didn’t match up all that well against a shotgun. Four slugs was all it took.”

    The xatu. The xatu… oh, Arceus. He was dead because of me. I felt the blood drain from my face.

    “I wonder how much your murkrow will squawk after the first shot?"

    {We cannot let him escape,} the abra confirmed, taking its sweet time in preparing its attack. Fine. If they were going to gloat, I was going to take advantage of it, but I didn't know if there was any advantage to take at this point. {The murkrow is an abomination to pokémon everywhere.}

    Damned psychic. He wasn’t laying a finger on my pokémon. I mean, I hardly trusted it either, but— “Icarus, move!

    The murkrow cracked open his other crimson eye, looking weakly at me. His wings were splayed across the ground, and I realized with horror that he wasn’t going to make it out in time. I was going to lose, and Icarus was going to die. I could get Gaia to attack while the abra was distracted and maybe she could try to surprise him, but I doubted she was strong enough to—

    Then Icarus winked at me. Moments before the electricity hit him, he propped himself up on his wings and pushed himself airborne, a trail of dust behind him as he skimmed across the ground in a flash of yellow and black.

    {What.}

    The little blighter tricked me.

    Then he was whizzing past me alongside the smell of burnt feathers, the electricity not too far behind him, and I realized that we weren’t quite out of the frying pan yet. He couldn’t outrun the shock wave attack forever, and I was sure that despite his brash appearance and jaunty smile, he definitely wouldn’t enjoy taking another hit.

    “Icarus, try to, uh…”

    Before I could finish giving a command that would’ve been absolutely unhelpful, Icarus executed a tight backward loop, arcing gracefully behind the abra. The steely glint had returned to his eyes, and it was clear that he’d planned something without my telling him to. Wonderful.

    Any other thoughts I had were quickly silenced as Icarus was obscured by the sitting abra’s figure, which was turning to meet him but all too slowly. For a moment, Icarus was completely hidden by the abra’s golden fur, and then I saw his face and beak sprouting out of the psychic-type’s chest.

    Mother of Arceus, he did not just—

    Before I could start vomiting at the sight of tiny abra blood and guts spewing everywhere, my brain kindly kicked in and I realized with a flash of relief that the abra was not spewing bodily fluids from its intestinal cavity and this was not a scene plagiarized from a Ridley Scott film.

    Of course, my kindly brain had no explanation for what Icarus was doing emerging from the chest of anything, let alone Silver’s pokémon. Tendrils of darkness trailed away from the murkrow’s tail feathers as the rest of him emerged smoothly from the abra’s brown chest plates, what might have been a smirk painted across his beak.

    The abra itself looked at its chest in confusion as the murkrow slipped out of its abdomen like an apparition, leaving flesh and skin completely intact. It tried to swat at the murkrow, but its paws were too slow, and then its eyes widened, almost comically, from small slits to slightly less small slits in pain.

    The shock wave was still targeting Icarus, but unlike my murkrow, it lacked the ability and motivation to pass through solid objects. The electricity hit the abra squarely in the back, and this time the blue, fizzling energy made the abra cry in pain rather than my murkrow. Not letting up for a moment, Icarus swerved back and latched on to the golden pokémon’s face, pecking at it until the stunned abra finally lost the energy to stay floating upright.

    I blinked. I won?

    Silver scowled. “That Faint Attack was a dirty move.” He glared at his abra, now unconscious, and pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket and threw it at me.

    I caught it and slipped it into my pocket without counting it, too shocked to even consider doing so. I’d heard that trainers used to give each victor money, but that was a tactic as ancient as the old government—no one outside of the gym league had that kind of money to spare any more. No one, it seemed, besides the Rockets and their spawn.

    I opted against telling him that I hadn’t given Icarus any command and only filed the name of the new attack in the back of my mind in case I needed it again. “Yes, well, it worked, and you were threatening to kill us.” I balled my hands into fists. Without a pokémon to help him, Silver probably couldn’t take me and Icarus at the same time. If I wanted to attack him, now was the chance.

    Then again, all semblance of neutrality would be lost the moment I laid a finger on his pristine white clothing.

    Then again (again), all semblance of neutrality had probably been lost the moment I’d told Icarus to go after Arianna.

    Not my best plan, in hindisight.

    Silver took a half step toward his fallen abra, and then pried its mouth opened and shoved his hand into its mouth.

    What was he doing?

    Silver removed his hand from his pokémon’s mouth, wiping off its spit from his white gloves with an air of disgust, and then smirked. Beside him, the abra awoke with a jolt, and in a movement so fast it must’ve been practiced, it wrapped its paw around Silver’s leg and teleported the two of them away.

    This seemed oddly familiar, and some part of my brain was screaming at me to run.

    I turned around to run, but no sooner had I processed what had happened when Silver appeared at my back in a flash of blue light. Maybe, I thought blearily, lower-powered psychics had to had physical contact with their teleportees and couldn’t hide the light. Whatever thoughts I had next were violently cut off and Silver reached grabbed the base of my braid from the small of my back and pulled, yanking my neck back and causing my scalp to burst into flashes of pain.

    “Then again, I suppose using a revive was a dirty move as well,” Silver whispered into my ear. Icarus unsteadily took to the air as Silver adjusted his grip on my hair and pulled back harder, ignoring my incoherent curses.


  13. #28
    Wordsmith Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter six: all that glitters}

    A battle, okaay! I liked the way it played out. Not quite the anime call attack/talk for a very long time/"Pokémon! No! but still with some structure there as well. I love how you're not glamourising Silver at all (No Leather Pants for you, har har, tropes), and for that matter, that he's not as good as he thinks he is.

    This:

    but that was a tactic as ancient as the old government
    looks a little odd to me - I'd use "convention" or "tradition" rather than tactic. Beyond that I really would be nitpicking if I were to point out more errors - this is a good chapter and I enjoyed it
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


  14. #29
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter six: all that glitters}

    Well I actually think that battle was pretty well done, it really showed off Icarus's talent for murdering things to death. I thought that you had a good handle of the description needed to write a good battle in this chapter and that's actually good, especially since writing battles can be one of the toughest aspects of writing a Pokemon fic. I didn't expect Silver to pull out a Revive after he gave her the money, but I'm glad that you decided to pull out all the stops and not go with that predictable outcome in the end.Things have taken a turn for the worse for Ely (yes I'm calling her Ely cause I gotta call her something) so I'm definitely curious as to how she's gonna get out of there without losing all her hair.

  15. #30
    .______. Elysia's Avatar
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    Default Re: {some rise by sin} {chapter seven: eye for an eye}

    Geeeeeeeeeeez this chapter is so long overdue, lol.




    vii. eye for an eye




    Mother of Arceus, all I’d ever wanted was to make some money as a trainer and this was where I ended up.

    The asshole had revives. I’d seen them in the Goldenrod department store before, but they were always kept locked up in pristine glass cases with laser-triggered alarms and pressure-sensitive plates because they were so expensive. Apparently they contained enough raw adrenaline to kill a reasonably healthy adult, but pokémon could ingest them and recover from fainted status within seconds. Most of their injuries would be healed and they would be ready to fight again, as clearly evidenced in my case. With most of Silph in shambles, the supply had become even more scarce.

    And of course the people I was facing had so many that they could give them away to children.

    Honestly, the smart thing would’ve just been to call it quits right there and surrender.

    {Do not move,} the abra calmly advised my murkrow before blasting him out of the sky with another shockwave.

    “Fucker!” I managed to spit. I normally didn’t curse, and I’d certainly never said anything as bad as the f-bomb before, but there was the pressing matter of Silver had pulled the jump on me and Icarus was spasming on the ground and holy shit we were all going to die. I moved my hands up to try to force him off of me, lashing out with my feet as I did so—and froze.

    “Bad choice,” Silver continued, his breath scarily warm and close on my neck in contrast to the cold metal pressed to my throat. I could feel a little blood dripping from the scratch where he’d pressed the knife—he had a knife?—too close to my neck.

    That escalated quickly.

    My mind went a little dead there, numbed by fear.

    I lived in the nicer side of Goldenrod—we didn’t have the money to live in the up-scale area, of course, but I knew to stay out of the crime-ridden areas like the Underground. I’d heard rumors, of course, but I’d never thought that I’d find myself in a situation like this. That was for the people in the movies, really, or the idiots like that girl and her butterfree who had tried to challenge the Rockets fifteen years ago and oh my Arceus we were all going to die here, weren’t we.

    The abra casually floated over to my downed murkrow, which was struggling to recover from the numbing electricity and regain his footing. {I am going to continue shocking you until you die,} the abra explained casually. {If you fight back, my master will cut your master’s throat.}

    “Don’t touch him!” I shouted. This time, I wasn’t able to keep the raw fear out of my voice.

    Holy shit. We were all going to die. Holy shit.

    The abra, of course, ignored me and instead released a small pulse of blue electricity from its palm. The shockwave hit Icarus and enveloped him in sparks that spent spasms down his wingtips, but instead of crying out, the murkrow kept his beak clamped firmly shut and glared up in abject defiance even as the numbing electricity racked his fragile body. He refused to move, even as the shocks became too intense for him and he had to sink to the ground, glaring daggers all the while.

    My world smelled like burned feathers.

    “Icarus, get out of there!” I cried in frustration. He had to get out. I wasn’t going to be Johto’s savior—and let’s face it, I never would be— but he could go out and find some other, better trainer to overthrow the assholes that called themselves Team Rocket.

    “Icarus promised,” he cawed weakly at me, and I realized that my murkrow really did care enough to die for me, and I had no idea why.

    Then again, once he died, we were all going to die, and it seemed like my stint at rebellion was really going to be as pathetic and short-lived as everyone had ever told me it would.

    “Piii.”

    Gaia launched herself into the air and latched on to the abra’s head, pivoting around to fire off a web of sticky silk aimed at Silver with enough precision to hit him in the face and knocked him away from me, the knife falling from his hand. The abra raised its paws to launch a psychic wave at its newest attacker, but Gaia launched herself up with no small amount of difficulty to clamp down with tiny mandibles on its ears, hard, throwing off its concentration for a moment.

    I disentangled myself from Silver and ran over to Icarus, who was still breathing feebly, although his feathers were charred and had lost their sheen. But he wasn’t dead. Thank Arceus.

    It occurred to me then that everything I was and ever would be was inextricably linked to my starter—I was exiled because of him, and now I was on the fast-track, it seemed, to terrorism, all because of him. But without him?

    I didn’t know.

    Silver managed to peel the webbing off of his face, spluttering indignantly as he freed himself. His abra bucked wildly, trying to dislodge my caterpie, high-pitched keening sounds erupting from its mouth as it did so. “Teleport!” he shouted.

    The abra obliged, and teleported a few feet behind its original position. Lacking a firm base, Gaia fell to the ground, bewildered, only to find the abra looming behind her, bleeding freely from one ear and looking furious.

    “Confusion.”

    Gaia and I didn’t have much time to blink before the abra waved a paw in a pushing motion and threw her into the nearest tree trunk, which she hit with a thud. “String shot him in the face!” I called out, my feeling of elation at being rescued dissipating significantly when I realized we weren’t out of this by a long shot.

    “Confusion.”

    Gaia collided with the tree again before she could even regain her footing, and the abra floated up to her and casually bashed her into the trunk repeatedly, sending chunks of bark from the ground and dislodging a few berries from the upper branches.

    Shit. This was why dark-types were so useful—no one had ever truly impressed upon me the fact that psychics were so powerful. I had to think of a way to get my pokémon and myself out of here. Fast. “Gaia, try to…” There was nothing we could do.

    I shut down completely then. We were going to die. I’d never considered death before, and I hadn’t become better acquainted with the idea in the past fifteen minutes. I wasn’t ready for this. I was too young, too immature, too unprepared to go off on some random quest to save a world that probably didn’t even want saving to begin with.

    “Piiii.” Gaia, hovering in midair where the abra held her, calmly fixed her opponent
    with an expression that might have been distaste, if not hatred—then again, she wasn’t exactly the most belligerent of pokémon, so I couldn’t really tell.

    {Do not think that you frighten me with idle threats,} the abra said with a sniff of distaste, raising its paw again. {Or do you expect me to congratulate you on getting further than your foolish comrade even though you shall both soon meet the same fate?}

    “Piii.”

    {And do not flatter her. The foolish girl did not make you stronger. You made you stronger, and there is no need to give her credit she does not deserve.} The abra tilted its head, studying the caterpie, and then it added, {Your trainer and her murkrow have no chance of escape, and neither will you, should you choose to join them. You should flee while you still have the chance; we will be lenient. You were taken against your will.}

    “Pii.”

    {No? To which part.}

    “Piiiii.”

    {Ah. All of it.} The abra paused. {I see.} It raised its paw once again, the blue glow returning to its palm and eyes. {You can take your loyalty and your love and—}

    Gaia cut the abra off by spitting another blob of silk at its head like a bullet. The abra’s entire body snapped backward with the force of the collision, and then it collided into the tree trunk beside it, sliding to the ground. It began to get up, but Gaia was already moving, rearing back on the segments of her body. Another steady barrage of stringy silk erupted from her mouth.

    And promptly pummeled the trunk of the tree behind the Abra, missing it entirely.

    {You missed,} the abra said dryly, vaporizing the first string shot attack from its face in a flash of blue. Behind it, the tree was perforated with little bits of webbing. {Pathetic. You can’t even move enough to adjust your aim to compensate for my new position.}

    “Cattt,” Gaia remarked, and then tilted her body upward with herculean effort to fire off one last lump of string shot.

    {Move out of the way? Why would I—}

    The tree groaned and then collapsed, exhausted from the barrage of string shot it had received seconds earlier. Satisfied, Gaia waited for the abra to reappear from beneath the mass of leaves and branches that buried it, but nothing happened.

    “Piii.”

    She dropped a freaking tree on him.

    My caterpie had just saved my life.

    In the most badass manner possible.

    I would have celebrated, but I caught Silver’s movement in the corner of my eye and whirled around as he reached to the ground to pick up his knife where it had fallen. I couldn’t let him do that. Alarm flooded through my veins. “Touch the knife and I’ll tell Icarus to bury his beak in your forehead.” My voice didn’t sound like my own, and there was a steely edge buried in it that I didn’t recognize, but when I saw the glint of metal in his hands, my voice only got harder. Oh, Arceus. I’d only seen this in movies, but that didn’t mean I knew how to avoid getting stabbed or shot. “Hands in the air, asshole. Now.”

    He froze and slowly raised his hands and interlaced his fingers behind his head with a tired air, as if he’d expected this and had done it before. The knife lay on the ground by his foot, and I wondered if he still had any plans to turn this to his favor. Most likely.

    I pointed to the knife. “Slide it over to me.” As he moved with one hand to pick up the metal object again, I flinched. “No. Use your foot.” I’d read about this part in books, but it was so much scarier in real life. I had to sound like I was willing to kill him, though. I had to sound committed.

    “Aren’t you a clever girl,” Silver drawled, but I could see a trace of fear in his eyes that mirrored my own. At least he thought I was serious, and at least I’d foiled part of his plan. When I raised my eyebrows insistently and Icarus wearily caught on to my plan and ruffled his charred feathers, trying to sound murderous, he rolled his eyes and kicked it towards me.

    The object skidded towards me in a flash of silver and hit my foot. I glanced down at it, reluctant to tear my gaze from Silver in case he tried anything, but I spared myself half a moment to pick it up. I think. I didn’t even know what he’d wanted to do with it, and I didn’t want to.

    “Kill?” Icarus asked, sounding curious and fascinated. He seemed to have recovered enough to return to thoughts of death and destruction, but I could still hear the exhaustion creeping into his voice.

    “Icarus, shut up.” The murkrow's whimsical squabbling wasn't helping my threatening image, but this whole situation wasn't helping my non-threatening image, either. I wasn't sure which one was worse.

    “Maim?” he tried hopefully.

    “Hands at your sides.” I motioned with my head toward Silver. “Gaia, tie him up.”

    My caterpie shot me a confused look but obediently shot another web of silk toward Silver, binding his arms to his torso. She looked at me, apparently sensing my intentions, and let loose a doleful, “Catt.” I ignored her. She didn’t understand how much danger we would be in if Silver walked away.

    I didn’t know what to do after this. I didn’t want kill him, for so many reasons. I didn’t have the heart, first of all. He was the heir of Team Rocket, second of all, and killing him would be the only thing stupider than what I was doing right now. And, third of all, I didn’t have a good weapon and I didn’t want Icarus to have to disembowel someone. Fourth…

    Oh, Arceus. I was actually contemplating killing him. Not out of hatred, even though every word that came out of his mouth only made me dislike him a little more and he’d just tried to slit my throat, but out of… I didn’t even know. Survival, really. If he lived, I would be in danger. He would run back to Team Rocket and blab. And he had ordered his abra to kill Icarus while he held a knife to my neck and…

    I shuddered. The most logical response was to make sure that he couldn’t come back after me again.

    I couldn’t believe I was actually considering any of this. “Kneel.” I pointed with my foot. He did, cringing.

    I wondered how the xatu had died, and why.

    And I knew it hadn’t been for this.

    “Count to five hundred,” I snapped. “I’m heading out. Don’t move until then." It occurred to me that it would be stupid to let him see where I was going, but there was precisely one road through the forest, and we were both on it. "If I see you following me, I will not hold back.” Yes, I definitely would, but he didn’t need to know that.

    Icarus fluttered limply onto my backpack, tired even from that small exertion, and I scooped up Gaia in my arm, who, for all of her heroism, seemed exhausted as well.

    We were barely walking away from this fight alive. But we were walking, and we were alive.

    I didn’t turn around, but Silver moved his head so he could see my retreating figure, nervous and afraid, Icarus squabbling at me in protest. “You aren’t going to kill me?” the red-haired trainer asked in disbelief.

    "Maim!" Icarus suggested again. "Kill!"

    “Piii,” Gaia whispered mournfully, and although I couldn’t understand her, I knew she was fairly morally opposed to my becoming a murderer.

    My cheeks burned, but I didn’t want to let him see my face. If he did, he would see just how scared I truly was. “Shut up!” I shouted, but there was a hitch in my voice and we could both hear it. “I was going to escort you back to town with Icarus and help you carry your stupid abra, but if I see you near us, you’re a goner.” That didn’t matter too much, either. He probably had enough revives to wake up his abra in no time—those things were as expensive as heck, but then again, he was the heir to Team Rocket.

    I chanced a glance behind me. He was still kneeling in the dirt, pristine clothing splattered in silk rope, but the smirk on his face and the fire in his eyes had returned. Then he opened his mouth and laughed, mirthlessly, the sound echoing in the empty treetops. “You can’t seriously be this pathetic.”

    Maybe I was. I didn’t care. I kept walking.

    “The xatu picked wrong, then, if he vested all of his hopes in a stupid, naïve girl who can’t even bring herself to kill the fucking heir of Team Rocket!

    I thought of the tired silver wings, the rheumy eyes, the ancient voice of the xatu that had screwed me over. All of which would never be felt or seen or heard by anyone again, because of—

    Not because of Team Rocket. Because of me.

    I grabbed Silver’s knife from where he’d left it on the ground and hefted it in my hand. The metal was cool to the touch, and the blade flicked out violently as my fingers curled around the handle. A switchblade. Fairly long, very sharp. And the handle was worn with use.

    “Piii!” Gaia shrieked violently from my arms, while on my back, Icarus cackled maniacally. This was as close to the whole “demon perched on one shoulder, angel on the other” cliché as I was ever going to get.

    I ignored them both and strode towards Silver, the metal of the switchblade pressing hard into my hand and my two pokémon created a cacophony of protest and encouragement. There was true fear in his eyes now, and I stood in front of him, breathing heavily. “I’m a sucker for karma,” I growled. “And that means I should kill you for what you and your friends did to that xatu, let alone all that you did to me”

    “But what,” he asked mockingly, and I realized that both of us were trying to hide our fear and failing, “you’re just going to threaten me with that and then walk away? Or are you actually going to kill me? What kind of message are you trying to send across, anyways?”

    “You know how the saying goes. An eye for an eye.” I lashed out with the knife and caught him on the cheek, right beneath the eye. He flinched but didn’t turn away, even as blood began welling up and streaking down his cheek.

    “Killll!” Of course Icarus would be angry. The abra had nearly shocked him to death.

    “Piii.” And of course Gaia wouldn’t understand.

    But as I remembered her anger and how she’d held it back and managed to defeat the abra without killing it even as it laughed in her face, I knew. She understood quite well. She was trying to get me to be a good person in a world where good people got screwed over and heroes got publicly dismembered.

    Arceus.

    I just maimed a person. I resisted the urge to vomit. “And then the world goes blind,” I finished in a shaking voice before throwing the knife to the ground. “There’s your stupid message, and here’s your stupid knife. Now you stay the hell away from me.”

    He threw back his head and started laughing again, but this time I didn’t turn back.


    Last edited by Elysia; 24th February 2014 at 06:11 AM.

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