
Originally Posted by
Aladar
Sooo... I guess we all kinda know that as the only one nominated, you are going to win in this category. O'course, you shouldn't feel bad about it or anything- that means you are the only one good enough to enter in this category now. You deserve this award and, before I start with the review, I'd liek to point out one thing:
Ah, that makes me feel a lot better, but not quite. I do wish someone would have nominated something else so I could get some competition.
As I said, you are worthy of the prize. So I want waste any time pointing out the good stuff but I'll just play the bad Sith Lord and point out to you how to improve so next time, if you are nominated (hopefully) and there is another or more guys running, too, you could beat them as well. Also, sorry about that but I've virtually no knowledge about Dragon Ball as a franchise 'cause last time when I watched it I was around 6. No need to worry, tho, because I'll tell you about stuff that is crucial to writing as a whole, so no harm done there.
That's just fine.
1. Show, don't tell. This is one of the major rules in writing. It's not that you break it al lthe time or anything but 90% of the descriptions in your fic can be mentioned in the passing as the character does something. Like how you pointed out the ole' sensei's bald spot in the beginning. You need more of that and lots of it.
Am I doing that bad? Geez. Been writing for nine+ months and thought I had that downpat. Eh. I think these next few chapters will have more of that -- a little less in some chapters than could be done (honestly [out of not trying to spoil, I am purposefully being vague] because I was lazy and took the method of having another character watch the events instead of writing in the perspective of one). And I'll work on this harder in the future.
2. Character interaction. One thing that boggled my mind several times is the relationship between the main char and her mother. I get the whole bad non-step mom routine but it just seemed forced. It comes off as something that is, again, just told to the readers and not shown. Sure, she calls her daughter "shit" and other bad stuff but the way it's done is more hilarious than anything. It's like your usual average morning breakfast with your family but instead you are cussing at each other as normally as you would say "good morning". Hell, at first I thought you are trying to parody the whole trope/cliché/etc with the bad abusive parent routine.
Maya and her mother's relationship was meant to be humor. This story is half-serious, half-humor.
3. The character themselves. It is quite early in the fic so I'm not gonna go and say they don't have character development- you haven't had enough time, naturally. But, again, some stuff about the main heroine seemed kinda forced. At first you seem to try and go out of your way to show she is most definetly not a Sue and repeatedly point out how her looks are below social standards/average and such- which, at least to me, kinda makes her skirt close to the other end of Sues that are abused/look bad/many bad things happen to them just because the authors are afraid that the characters need some totally shitty life not to come off as Sues. On the other side, I like the Turtle Hermit.
I like the Turtle Hermit to. As for Maya being a sue? Jeez. I really have let my standards go wrong 'round this. I see what your point is. On the character development part, you get to see some with Maya later, and I will admit, for the others it will be a bit slow - but it will happen.
4. Description. That's one thing the fic probably lacks the most. Describe the scene to help the readers immerse themselves in the fic- when they are that means they'll keep reading which, unsurprisingly, is what you want them to do. Describe the town/city. the weather, the houses, the stadium or whatever where the tournament takes place. The sky's the limit. Literally. I don't see any future chap taking place in space so you should limit yourself to describing the sky and such. For now. :)
Eh?! Out of all the things that I thought I was- jeez. x_x; Thanks for sort of pushing me into awareness of all this. I'm shocked at myself. This, if anything, will improve over time. I promise.
BTW, I personally prefer the overly-long titles, like the main title of the fic itself. Keep doing it for the chapter, too. Aaand, I think that's it. If you have any more questions or somehow you think I'm wrong in a point I've made or you've been offended or anything, drop me a VM/PM, I'll answer.
Got'cha.
Peace, dudes and dudettes, Aladar out.
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