The next and final mission is called "For the Bride and Shaymin
!", again in that weird-ass Japanese style of naming. Nobody gives a shit about the groom either. Though on the other hand, marriage pretty much takes away their rights anyway.
Today is the big wedding day! A celebration!
I'm going to stop right here right now in the middle of the intro. What big wedding day? A celebration for who? Aren't these the kind of things you should tell a guy before getting into something?
But trust Team Dim Sun to ruin everything!
Stopping again. Uhh...Team Dim Sun isn't a marriage crashing organization, last I checked. Why would they possibly want to ruin a wedding?
Race to find Shaymin
ad take it under
your protection before those slimy Team
Dim Sun criminals find it!
A legendary Pokemon? Well...I can tell you that Shaymin isn't all that it's cracked up to be. It can make plants sprout and...no, that's kinda it. I mean, it's better than the Regis at least, but when put up against the other options, it's kind of weak. Reading up on it, Seed Flare could be useful for causing destruction in Pittsburg or LA, but not a country full of outdoorsmen living in harmony with nature.
So let's start this shit.
Vlad, we've received a wedding
invitation on your behalf.
So it seems Vladimir has been invited to a wedding! Whose wedding? He is as equally confused as I am.
Until the wedding ceremony, it's a secret
as to who is marrying who.
All right, what the hell. I don't know what real-world traditions Almia's are based off of, if any, but they are more fucked than a twelve-year-old in Thailand. I've heard of the groom and bride not seeing each other on the day of the wedding, but what the hell. Why would you not know whose wedding you're attending. I could be attending the pagan wedding of Roy Dennis and Michael Jackson for all I know. That's a wedding I wouldn't want to be at!
You may have fun imagining who the loving
couple may be.
Oh god. Fuck you Hastings. Fuck you. Those kinds of images are better left unimagined.
The wedding ceremony's to be held in
That reminds me: wouldn't they want to rename it after all the horrible things they did, even if it was taken over and reformed?
Let's go together.
Oh god, you don't think...nah. That's just crazy. And I'm serious. Dead. Fuckin'. Serious.
Okay, so Altru Park is set up kind of like it was when the Go-Rocks were here, but with a red carpet I don't believe was there before. Oh, so the red carpet is good enough for a bride, but not good enough for rock stars?
The bride is fabulously pretty!
On a funny side note, I kept typing "bridge" whenever I went to type bride while doing this. Luana is here, Crawford is here, Barlow is here...even the nameless Operator and Ollie's mom are here!
I have to say I am thunderstruck.
I'm floored by these two as a couple.
But thunder is just...ah, fuck it. I knew what he meant, as little as that figure of speech means. If what he said is correct, though, we're going to see two people who make no sense to be lovers in the first place.
No really, I'm serious.
What in the red, white, and blue FUCK
is with Japan and saying that two people arguing is a hint of love? I mean, what in the whole spectrum of colors FUCK
. It's like: if they hate each other, they love each other. If they love each other, they love each other. THAT MAKES NO GODDAMNED SENSE AT ALL!
Oh, and being indifferent to each other means they love each other too. Now that I think about it, I can't really blame retarded shippers.
...okay, I can let some
off the hook. But I really fucking mean it. They twist anything, ANYTHING at all that does so much as barely support their ridiculous belief into a so-called "hint". Do they seriously not see the dislogic in it at times? There is the odd one that is reasonable, but between not knowing the definition of unrequited love, heterosexuality, legitimate animosity, friendships, and the friend zone, you really have to question whether they, and Japanese game designers are not fucked up in the head.
I cannot stress this enough. How do you go from absolutely hating someone and wanting to implale them on a ceramic pole, to absolutely loving someone and wanting to "impale" them on a "ceramic pole"? The answer is YOU DON'T!
Guilt trips aside, it makes NO GODDAMNED SENSE! NO GODDAMNED SENSE AT ALL!
And you can't always use the "guilt trip" argument, because not everyone would feel guilty about hating someone. Same goes for the "warming up to over time" argument! That works too at times, but IT DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERYTHING! WHY THE FUCK DO THEY THINK IT APPLIES TO EVERYTHING!?!?!?!?!?!!
Like, here's some more examples. Lufia II - Rise of the Sinistrals. You meet some cunt, she's a bitch. You save a castle, she comes to respect you as a soldier. FLASH-FORWARD-A-YEAR and you're married to her. I mean, really, that. Makes. No. Sense. At. All. One temple area cleared out, and one little scrub vanquished, and she's head over heels for Maxim. Did the Japanese not see Speed? Of course they didn't - but that movie put it best: relationships started in intense situations tend not to last.
Okay, that movie also said you can base it off sex, and although it supports my case, as far as I'm concerned, the second one...never happened. But seriously, it's right. Unless you have something in common besides being in that intense situation, together, it. Won't. Last! Every day, day in, day out, every night, you'll be bored! Bored because you have NO
common interests, and NO
other thing to do with each other but screw like rabbits! Aside from the make-up sex, marriages with constant fighting involved WILLEND IN DIVORCE!
It doesn't matter what a bunch of Japs have to say about it!
Maybe, just maybe, it may work out in Japan with its different cultural standards between men and women, but not in other countries! Why do they keep trying to force their culture down everyone else's throat through video games, Japanese cartoons, Japanese comics, and all that crap? Who really knows. Maybe they're just trying to annex the US through peaceful resolve in revenge for World War II by turning everyone into a Japanese-culture loving pack of drones. But regardless, if that is the case, the cultural differences just cause aspects like this to get lost in translation! What, you don't believe me when I say a non-literal translation is much worse than a properly localized one? Play Star Ocean 2 on the Playstation and then tell me that.
Okay, I know, it'd be pretty ridiculous to change major plot points in a game just to cater to a worldwide audience. But maybe that's something that has to change, too. By making games that appeal to all but the most extreme of cultures, they will really have a chance to shine. What I'm saying is don't
make games too heavily vexed in culture. Don't be culture-free (otherwise you get a lifeless shell of a game), but don't focus too much on one culture. And don't focus on cultures that are long dead or obscure, either.
The Grand Theft Auto series is one of the most popular series, and titles from that series were the only American series to make a list of the readers of Famitsu's favorite games. Everything else was Japanese. That's saying something; they obviously must be doing something right (of course, GTA4 was a trainwreck that had unendearing characters, and 80% of the missions were "drive from point A to point B" or "follow this guy"). Also saying something is how Theft Auto is popular among casual and hardcore gamers.
One of my favorite quotes about Japanese gaming pertains to a Dragon Quest game. I forgot which one, but it basically said, "2 million Japanese can be wrong" or something along those lines. This is the PERFECT example of another problem in gaming: milking a series to death. I mean, going back to Grand Theft Auto, in a good series, things are significantly changed from game to game. The setting, the plot, the characters, and even the mechanics. But no. In Japanese games (well, Japanese ANYTHING), you get the same old shit every time. Same setting (though some do break tradition), same kind of characters, same enemies, same voice actors, same everything. It makes John Cena of WWE look entertaining by comparison. Sure, you get stocky characters in American media too, but at least there, you get a lot more variance, and the repetitiveness is far between.
The voice actors point is a big one. Take Brock, for example. In the TV show, he has a distinct voice to him. I can't really describe it, but it's just the kind of voice you'd recognize. Now that's cool. What isn't cool, though, is how the guy who voice(d) him used the same voice for COUNTLESS OTHER CHARACTERS!
Now let's look at someone else: let's go Japanese for once and look at Metal Gear Solid: Solid Snake. He has a distinct voice. If you heard his voice, you'd say "that's fuckin' Solid Snake", not "That's Solid Snake, or this guy, or that guy..."
Another thing many video game/Japanese cartoon voice actors are guilty of is not putting any emotion into their roles. The most they might do is making noises in anger or despair, shouting, and whispering. They sound as boring as the people who play them. In acting, you need to become
your character. Well, okay: I know it is, in a way, the proper thing to do, considering there are so many of the same, but bear with me for a second. While there are bad American actors (some extreme, like Sofia Coppola, who almost made The Godfather Part III unwatchable), there are many good ones. Heath Ledger, the guy who played the Joker in The Dark Knight, really got into his role. He is an extreme example: he tried to simulate the conditions of being the Joker by staying in solitary confinement for a while under harsh circumstances to see what it's like to be truly insane. It may have even been what killed him. Even I try to get into my roles when I go to act, be it Malvolio in Twelfth Night (which some people said I nailed the role of), or the Duke in A Midsummer's Night Dream. But I can't think of one Japanese voice actor who I enjoy.
Now that I've transitioned properly, we can get an example of what good characters are like: in Shakespeare. The Japanese are aware of him: they reference him. But the difference is he could write distinct characters. And he knew when to write non-distinct characters, and how to even give them a few of their personal traits. So why won't they employ his techniques to create unique characters?!
A character like Hamlet is one to be analyzed. Is he truly insane? Does he love Ophelia? Is he being cruel to be kind (maybe that's where they got the whole "hating is loving" idea from)? Or does he have an Oedipus complex? Are the spirits he sees real, or is he really insane? Does he start off faking the insanity, but descend into true madness? There is a large amount of analysis possible on basically any character he made. But in Japanese media? You get nothing but a bunch of shit.
There's the odd good one. Though I loathe to admit it, Final Fantasy 7 was interesting. However! It was plagued with problems at first, and does not deserve much, if anything, on its own. Crisis Core, the prequel on the PSP, had some good shit in it: it depicted Cloud as being a person 20x more upbeat than he ever is in the original game, and the Aeris/Zack (she'll always be that to me) relationship actually makes the Aeris/Cloud one interesting in how it basically makes the latter look fake, as if Cloud is a substitute for Zack in Aeris' eyes. But was that in the original game? No. You'd think after Cloud remembers everything about what happened after he escaped Shinra Manor with Zack and learns to accept it (that has to fuck up a guy in the head), he'd become more upbeat - and he does. But nowhere even close to what it should've been. But he's the same old Cloud - or same new one to be exact. Meanwhile, nothing aside from a small blurb is in the original pertaining to Aeris and Zack, and even then she's like "eh". Everything else is so close, yet so far. It's all the same there too: everyone lost something they had or wanted, except Cait Sith, who's only around to be a spy and be the third best magic caster. It's interesting, but they should've used Sith as a more distinct contrast to the other characters. Instead they just fucked around. They even managed to make "everyone has something this distinct in common" even worse in Final Fantasy 8.
But getting back to Shakespeare. Yes, I'm aware that some of the contrasts can be made with some of the characters there, too. But the difference is Shakespeare didn't try to cash in one Hamlet or Macbeth's popularity. Nor did he have to go back and fix/improve things he messed up.
I'm not obsessed with Final Fantasy 7, but I will admit it's good by comparison. It is far from what it could've been, though. And if they can do that good, how come they haven't done well in recent years? Now it's just a bunch of leatherbound metros and shit that manages to be even more boring.
Now let's tie two points together: analysis of things, and games. Take The Final Fantasy Legend, aka SaGa for example. At first, I thought it was pretty boring, but then, I read something about how a lot of philosophical implications are in it. Subtleties like that are what make a game INTERESTING
. It's mindblowing to find out, for example, how Gigyas in Earthbound was actually a fetus, how in Sonic 3 & Knuckles, when you play as Sonic or Tails, Angel Island is in the ocean as shown by the background, but the ocean is not in the background as Knuckles, signifying it is in the air, or - even though it's not game - how they snuck so many adult references into old cartoons. From the subtle, like the doctor in Rugrats who gave the parents bad advice for raising the kids being called Dr. Lipschitz for how bullshit comes out of his mouth, to the blatant like a shadowed stripper taking off her bra in an episode of Two Stupid Dogs.
, my fellow users of the internet, is what there should be more of in gaming. Subtleness. But no. Just no. They don't do that anymore. Nowadays, they just let the fans decide things based off the smallest, irrelevant pieces of information (once again bringing us back to shipping) and blatantly state everything else. It makes Tim Buckley look like a creative genius by comparison. It's like they're appealing to a bunch of retards.
So let's come full circle: how is it that they can get away with dealing with that? As I have concluded, it is because they think, nay, know, that most gamers are retards. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but retards in how they will believe and worship with the fury of a thousand suns ANYTHING
that is put out for them that fits their tastes. They have it nailed into their head that hating someone is a sign of loving of loving them, and they not only believe it, but use it to jump to conclusions on other things. All the while, the Japanese are making their characters boring. Why? Simply because they do not have to.
As I just said, the ones they appeal to will accept anything that is given to them. They are completely oblivious to what the things they worship actually are. They think that what they like is the cream of the crop, and that everything else is boring. But no. That is not the case. The Japanese simply use the firm belief these people have to cover up the truth. The truth, that their characters, settings, and storylines are nothing but a bunch of...
PIECES OF SHIT!
...holy shit, that's got to be the most I've written for a single point. How the hell did I even go from insulting one point I will stand by no matter what to writing a boardline psychotic essay filled with pure rage?