I have no plan in life
by, 4th June 2014 at 01:10 AM (838 Views)
Now see, although I'm in university studying Psychology, when it comes to jobs - I still have no idea what I'm doing. I find it super hard in society to be what I want to be in life, because I just get called 'Lazy' or 'Weird' or I'll be told that I need feminism (wow, I need feminism to tell me I can't do something I want to do, because I'm a woman?)
All my life, since a small small child - all I wanted to be was a housewife. Which is reasonable, but after watching my mother struggle throughout the past 20 years, and seen her be brought to tears many times over the idea that - although my Dad had enough money to provide - she still had to have a job. Even though she had two very young children to raise. In life she always taught me that if I have children, that I should look after them and that it's unfair to have a child and then go back into work and leave someone else to take care of them. I'm not saying I look down on people who have their children taken care of by Nannies, babysitters and childminders - or whatever else because I fully understand that some people can't afford to not have a job, or they don't want to be stuck raising a child all the time, or whatever other reasons - I'm saying if someone wants to look after their baby, they should be able to without being judged.
But sadly when my parents split up, that left my Mother with the problem of having a 4 year old and a 6 year old to raise on her own, without any form of financial stability and with no real life plans other than "I want to be a mother". So since then, I've seen my mother go in and out of possible careers, and training and never finding something she actually wants to devote decades to and climb the career ladder of, considering the only job she had ever had was before she became a mother - where she worked in MotherCare in her late Teens. In fact my Mum had no idea what she wanted to do in life until I started college, and she realized she could go back into education and train to be a Midwife and by this point she was in her late thirties with 6 children and just couldn't find the time to do that.
Sometimes I worry I won't ever actually find something I really enjoy doing in terms of a career. At the moment I'm on the road to becoming a Pediatric Psychologist, specifically looking at low birth weight babies, but to be honest - whenever I think of the future: I think of the 50s, where I have a spotty coloured dress on, cooking in a kitchen and looking after the children - because that's just what I want. I want to dedicate my life to looking after and caring for my children and husband. I want to raise my children to be open minded and honest hard working people who feel they can do whatever they want in life.
Me and my boyfriend have been together two years now, yet we've planned out when we'll get married, when we want to have children, how many (3), what their names would be (Lyric/Ivy, Leon/Sophie or Rory/Lawliet), how we want to build our own house, how we plan on decorating - buuuut neither of us know what we want to do in life yet, and that worries me. I mean, I know more than Tim because I'm hopefully going into Pediatric Psychology, but Tim does Theoretical Maths and Physics at university and doesn't know what he wants to do with it. Whenever I ask, he says "I dunno, I'll probably just go into banking" and looks sad about that. So... I dunno. Which is a pretty disappointing life plan for two people who are trying to get a Bachelor in Science and a Masters in Mathematics.
If you're wondering where this random rant came from, there's a 50s diner up the street and I want to go so bad! But also I wanna dress up for it, because I'm super weird like that, so I was looking up poodle skirts and dresses and bobby socks and I found some really pretty clothes, which confuses me because I really like 50s teenage girl style, but I also like a lot of punk style, and I dress completely different on different days. Some days I look like I could be an extra on the Big Bang Theory, others I dress like I'm going off to work in an office and other days I dress like I'm one of the main characters of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Okay now I'm going off on a completely different rant now. So back on topic:
So I always presumed one day, it'd be like Sims 2 when they do a hobby for the first time and they're like "Yes, this is what I want to devote my life to!", but that day just hasn't happened. It happened to Tim. When he was 5, he was a bad kid and got very bad grades constantly - then one day he was just sat in class doing math and he suddenly had this "wow, this is super important to me and I want to dedicate my life to it" moment. Anything I get interested in - I become painfully uninterested in further down the line. The only consistent things about me, from the past 19 years, 1 week and 6 days of my life - is that I've always wanted to grow up and be a Mother. Like, yeah I had my "Wow, I'm going to dedicate the next year of my life to getting into University" moment - but I'm almost 100% sure I only went to university as something to do to kill time before I'm old enough to have children that I know I can provide for (that and when my children are old enough to go to school, I'd like a job during school time - which is my main reason for wanting to find a job I'm interested in). Blah-de-blah, I forget where this rant is going...
*oh and what I said earlier, I wasn't saying feminism is that women should get jobs, I'm saying that's what that person seemed to think feminism was about making all women work, when it's about giving them as much of a right as men to get jobs
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