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The Siberian Cave

In need of relationship advice

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So, uh, I've got a bit of a problem, Bulbagarden. I'm slowly trying to make myself part of this community again, so I figured I'd go to you guys for advice, since what I love about this place is that it attracts all walks of life (bound by one common interest), so multiple opinions and all that.

I have this girlfriend, see. I've been dating her for a little over a month. Keep in mind I don't exactly have many years under my belt.

A bit of background: I just had a drudgingly long and overall depressing school year, filled to the brim with the unnecessary drama you'd expect from us stupid teenagers. At the heart of it, I was trying to fix myself by pursuing a relationship, but each and every failure just made my depression and situation worse. I began to feel like I wasn't worth it, because girls clearly didn't like me. I reached my goal twice, but neither relationships lasted long. About a week each. Eyeroll-worthy, I know, but stick with me.

Towards the end of the year, I resolved that as broken as I was, pursuing a girl wasn't going to put me back together. My friends were all I needed in that meantime, and maybe my time would come for a relationship someday.

What I didn't know is that one of my female friends (my guy friend's ex, let me mention) had a mad crush on me. A very rare breed.

I had a little bit of interest in her when I was first introduced to her by that friend who also dated her. At the time, I was trying really hard to get over my ex but to no avail at all, even though it had been 3 months since I got dumped, ending a week-and-a-half-long relationship. I thought maybe she'd be the one to save me from that. But not the overwhelming feelings I'm used to. And for a guy, I'm pretty emotional.

A few days after I met this girl (which wasn't that long ago at all, actually), my ex/crush started dating another guy. I was insanely depressed for quite some time, but eventually, I started to feel numb. Numb, as in, I've taken so much bullshit over the years, I'm just way too tired and jaded from it all to even worry about it anymore. I wasn't even happy or anything, just... Blank. I still felt emotions, but they weren't nearly as strong. I still feel this way.

So, school ended, and my friend broke up with my now-girlfriend. I still continued talking to all my IRL friends on Skype in our group convo, her being one of them. Long story short (it's quite a silly story), she soon revealed that she liked me, and recalling the initial feelings I felt for her when I first met her (I backed off when my friend starting dating her, naturally), I decided to do my best to re-ignite them and admit reciprocation. Thus beginning our relationship. Of course, I still felt empty.

I talked to one of my close female friends, who is the main person I go to for advice, about it, and she told me that I had an amazing girl and in spite of my empty feelings, I should wait at least two weeks before I decide. I agreed.

So, time goes by. I was in California when she confessed her crush on me (I live in Washington), and only saw her in person once before I left a few days after my return to go camping. It was with the support of one of my other friends, too. I came in thinking that if it didn't go well, I'd break up with her. But it did go well, so I decided not to. I've been away twice since then for a few days and have hung out with her a couple times (once when we were completely alone, twice tomorrow). It's always fun when I do. Oh, and I talk to her on Skype every day, mostly messaging.

Oh, and not to mention my friend who dated her before didn't speak to me for two weeks after I began going out with her, but he eventually got over it.

She's REALLY into me, which surprises me, because I don't see anything in myself. Sometimes, I really am feeling it, and am smiling widely at the flirty messages and texts she sends me, but sometimes, it kills me to reply knowing that I'm not feeling it like she is. She's an amazing girl, she really is. I wish this had all happened in a time and place where I wasn't numb and empty, and feelings strong emotions like before. And better yet, I wish she was the one who could fill my emptiness, but it doesn't look like she can. Maybe at least to a limited extent. I wish I had gotten more time to heal myself and find peace before this all occurred. Maybe then this could all be going better.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to break up with her because, like I said, she's an amazing, sweet girl who I don't want to look back at later as "the one who got away." At the same time, she probably deserves a guy who feels more strongly for her, and she probably wouldn't have any trouble finding one. But, it's me she's into. Ugh. *sigh* I'm really torn.

She's going on a trip for two weeks starting tomorrow night, and I feel like that will be a lot of time to reflect on our relationship. It probably won't end up a good reflection, which makes me go back to me not wanting to let go of such a nice girl. And then there's the hope that I will start feeling it like I used to. I don't know.

(Dammit, I hope she doesn't see this. I mention Bulbagarden and the CuboneKing identity to my IRL friends occasionally, but I don't know if she'd catch and remember that, much less go as far as to search for me.)

Bulbagarden, please help me out. Ask for clarification if needed.

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Comments

  1. Helioptile's Avatar
    Plot is too complicated, need a character map.
  2. CuboneKing's Avatar
    TL;DR: After having the emotions virtually sucked out of me by depression, one of my female friends who I was mildly interested in comes around and admits feelings for me thus beginning a relationship, but I'm unsure about it because I don't think I feel for her like I potentially could, due to my "emptiness."

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