Sometimes doing what you should've sucks.
by, 14th December 2012 at 07:15 PM (463 Views)
In the nine months since I got my dad to leave, it's been playing on my mind a lot. He was horribly warped and abusive for so many years, yes, but lately I have all these nightmares that he comes back furious, all these horrible feelings of guilt about what his feelings might've been, all this regret over giving up the only dad I will ever have had. Usually I try hard not to linger on the past or to mourn stuff too much, but the past couple of weeks have just been horrible in that sense because it's a struggle to admit that part of you regrets taking such strong action. He was still my dad, even if he did shout and threaten and guilt and continuously insult and blame and undermine. If I could've just made him stop treating my mum and sister like that, I wouldn't have done anything about how he treated me. I know I did what was best for the family in the long run and I know my mum has never stopped being proud of me for it since, but sometimes I just find myself thinking "crap, he was your dad. why did you do that? only you would go and get yourself disowned just because you couldn't shut up and carry on". I'd tell anyone else they had made the right choice, but it's just eating and eating at me and I feel ill and unsure and maybe it's only just sinking in that I just don't have a dad any more and maybe it's stupid, but I miss having one. So very sorely. It's like there's this terrible gap in the family and as time passes I realise that I gave up not just him but an entire life situation, because now I have lost a lot of family on his side and we sure as heck aren't holding out too well at all financially.
Sometimes I just sit and ask myself what the heck I did and why and why I couldn't just shut up and endure it like my mum and sister did. I feel stupid for missing him but he's my dad even if he was a pretty terrible one. I'm petrified that somehow some little part of me will always wish I hadn't done this because I just still don't know if I really did the right thing and it's the most sickening feeling.
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